Ask Dan and Jennifer » relationship questions

How to Stop Resentment From Killing Your Relationship (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Sun, 20 Jan 2008 15:54:09 +0000

After being married for a while, many couples find themselves in a situation where one partner feels angry, hurt, and/or resentful toward the other.

They feel that they’re the only one who’s made sacrifices for the relationship, that they gave up their dreams, so that their partner could succeed.

Is it possible to overcome these feelings of resentment and move forward to have a loving and caring relationship?

Here’s a question from Jim in Michigan who’s trying to work through these feelings himself.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

How do I stop resenting my wife for all the things I gave up for her to have all that she wanted?

–Jim, Michigan

Watch this short video for our thoughts on this very interesting question…

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Then, be sure to chime in and tell us your thoughts – leave a comment below.

All The Things I Gave Up…

We often choose to ‘give up’ certain things in our lives for the ones we love.

They don’t force us to give them up, and because of this, it’s not fair to blame our partners, or anyone else, for the decisions that we make or for the things that we choose to give up.

Making sacrifices for those we love is a very admirable thing to do, and most of us do it because we want what is best for our loved ones.

Of course ‘give up’ is an interesting, and often misleading, phrase to use when referring to something in a relationship.

What ‘give up’ really means is that we’ve chosen to do something (or to not do something) in order to make our partners happy rather than to make ourselves happy.

Then we try to blame them because we’re unhappy with our decisions!

Parents are particularly notorious for this one, often saying things like, "All the things I gave up for you, and this is how you repay me!"

We did not ask our parents to change their lives or to give up their dreams for us, and yet many parents somehow blame their children for their own misery.

How Silly Is That?

We all make decisions every day that determine how we live our lives and whether or not we pursue our dreams – whether or not we’re happy.

Happiness is a choice.

We are not victims of circumstance, though many of us would like to believe that we are. If we were victims of circumstance then we wouldn’t have to take responsibility for our own lives. How convenient…

…

How Well Do You REALLY Know Your Partner? 1000 ‘Must Ask’ Questions for Couples

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 18 Sep 2007 12:25:21 +0000

How compatible are you really with your partner? Down deep, where it really counts?

How would you know? Just because you like the same types of foods and pets certainly does NOT mean you’ll have a happy, blissful, long-term relationship.

Do you know why your mate does or doesn’t attend church? Do you really? Do you know how they really think about the way you dress? Have you ever asked your partner what are the three most sensitive parts on their body? Thinking you know doesn’t make you right.

Does it really matter what your partner thinks about sex, religion, careers, household work, money and the future? ABSOLUTELY! Even if you are one of the lucky FEW who will never argue about these topics (like most people do), core differences like these can cause many, many issues in a relationship.

Love and a strong relationship can indeed conquer anything, but you have to know what you’re facing and what you’re really dealing with.

Don’t fly blind – find out where you stand.

Learn how to listen! Sit down, ask, and LISTEN to what you partner really feels.

Here’s our review of Oprah Love Expert, Michael Webb’s excellent book, 1000 Questions for Couples.

In 1000 Questions for Couples, Michael asserts that “An estimated 83% of divorces would not take place if couples asked each other the right questions”. Wow!

Fact is, a lot fewer couples would get divorced (or even marry each other in the first place) if they actually knew each other well enough before they got married. Married couples could cut down on a lot of their clashes if they simply knew more about their partner’s thoughts, beliefs and emotions.

Do married couples really need to bother with asking each other questions like these?

Absolutely. Not to mention the obvious point – showing your partner that you care enough to take time to get to know them EVEN BETTER (no matter how long you’ve been together) is sure to bring you closer. And that’s always a good thing.

While most of the questions in 1000 Questions for Couples apply to couples that are in their first months together, an amazing 700 of the questions are critical to married couples as well.

So many times a secret from one partner’s past comes out and you hear the question “how could you have not told me about that?”. The usual answer is “you didn’t ask”.

Amazing, isn’t it. And it can really be that simple…

Fact is, most couples are honest with each other, they just don’t take the time to actually get to know their partner, to actually ask each other about their past, their feelings, their convictions.

The best way to get to really know someone is to ASK!

Here are the key relationship areas where you’ll now have great questions to ask…

Personality, Feelings & Emotions
Sex
Morals, Convictions and Beliefs
Religion & Spiritual Matters
Relationships, Past & Present
Favorites
Pets
Attractions
Health, Food & Well Being
Vacations
Car & Driver
Holidays & Celebrations
Home & Home Life
Past & Future
Hobbies & Entertainment
Love, Romance & Date Nights
Friends & Family
Communication
Career and Education
Money
Children & Child Rearing
Wedding & Honeymoon

Michael Webb recommends trying doing this as a fun activity with your partner. Get creative, make it into something enjoyable, and you’ll get a LOT more out of it.

Make it a fun date and treat your partner!

Set aside an evening every few weeks to stay in and get to know each other more intimately. Set a romantic atmosphere… red wine, candles, just the two of you. And get to know each other better, on a deeper level. Choose a couple of the more probing questions and have fun revealing secrets to each other… getting closer.

How about an intimate, daily ritual for one special week?

Have fun with this! Here’s an idea. For a week, spend a few quiet, intimate minutes every evening and ask each other any two or three questions you’ve picked that day.

You’ll be amazed how much you can learn about someone you’ve spent months or even years with – if you just take the time and care enough to ask!

So what CAN you possibly ask someone you’ve been with for months or even years?

Here’s a hint… go through the book and pick a question or two from each category that jumps out at you. You’ll be surprised how much that gets you thinking, and how easy it is.

Whatever you do, have fun with it, and don’t make it a chore. Show your partner you care and truly do want to get to know them better, and become even closer – and enjoy the process!

Summary:

While we really love this book, there was one major problem with 1000 Questions for Couples… the sheer number of questions! Wow, 1000 of them! Where the heck do you start? Can you actually get anything useful out of this and not get totally lost? It can be a little overwhelming at first.

But we’ve got good news… Michael tells you exactly which few critical questions to start off with, so you don’t get lost – and most importantly – so you don’t get off on the wrong foot and come off like you’re grilling your special someone instead of just trying to get to know them better.

Overall we highly recommend this book.

Get your copy right now before you get busy and forget. Surprise your partner with something they’ll never expect – a true willingness to get to know them better and become more close and intimate.

While you’re at it, you’ll definitely want to check out Michael’s other terrific resources below.

Spice up your sex life with 500 Sex and Love Making Secrets (Our Review…)
Enjoy Lick by Lick – How to Go Down on a Woman and Have Her Begging for More (Our Review…)
Learn how to really please your man with Blow by Blow: A Tasteful Guide on How to Give Mind-Blowing Blow Jobs (Fellatio)
Discover 300 Creative Dates (Our Review…)

Don’t put it off.

You’ll kick yourself if you don’t get 1000 Questions for Couples today.

High School Sweethearts In Jeopardy – Are We Growing Apart? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 22 Aug 2007 15:20:59 +0000

It’s hard enough for grown adults to stay together and have a happy, long lasting relationship… but that’s nothing next to the challenges faced by high school sweethearts.

These young lovers have the odds really stacked against them, and yet many stay together for the long run.

But put yourself in a very young woman’s place…

What can you do to save your relationship and actually stay together through these turbulent years?

The biggest challenge you face is at that age you’re both changing so fast. We don’t believe that any of us begin to settle in and know who we until our late 20’s.

Young women face special challenges with their young partners, since they tend to mature faster. And at that age, all most guys seem interested in is drinking and partying, and having fun. From the guy’s standpoint, he can easily start feeling held back and trapped. This interaction can be very frustrating and can certainly put a strain on the relationship.

Sure, he’s enjoying his fun. But is that really so bad? Seriously. Consider yourself lucky if he ever matures. But be thankful if he doesn’t. Mature turns into "stuffy" surprisingly fast. BORING! And there’s nothing like boredom to kill the magic in a relationship.

On top of that, there’s the pressure of picking the right college, keeping those grades up so you can graduate, and entering the workforce, whether it’s a job or starting your own business. Wow, nothing stagnant here.

Where does all this change leave you? Will you still be together in a year or two?

It doesn’t matter! Really, it doesn’t. IF you spend all your time worrying about the future, you’ll never enjoy today. Focus on where you are right now, today, and worry less about the future. Today is ALL that is real. Yesterday is just a memory, and tomorrow is a promise, a hope, a dream…

One guarantee… your life and relationship will change. Don’t try to keep things the same, allow room to change and grow.

"Hold on loosely"… You can still hold on to each other and love each other, just not so tightly. Understand that in a period of extreme change, not only are YOU changing, but so is your partner. Respect and embrace that change, and your chances of staying together are much higher.

You’re both young. In time, as you both grow and evolve, you may grow together, or you may grow apart. Either way, it’s OK.

Was your time together wasted if you break up after a couple of years?

Absolutely not! This is where so many people get stuck and keep themselves miserable for years. Fact is…

My Girlfriend Is Acting Distant – Is She Cheating? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Sun, 19 Aug 2007 13:57:47 +0000

If your girlfriend is acting distant, does that mean she’s cheating, or even that she’s planning to break up with you?

Here’s a scenario…

Your girlfriend goes off for the weekend to celebrate her birthday but does not invite you, and she was extra nice to you the week before she left – unnaturally nice. This by itself is enough to raise some red flags, but what if she stops returning your calls and text messages while she’s away? Now that’s enough to drive most men crazy!

There are two possibilities here…

Most likely, she did hook up with someone else while she was away. That’s why she suddenly stopped responding – she doesn’t want the new guy to think he’s unimportant.

The second possibility is that for some reason or other, she’s intentionally putting distance between you. Maybe she’s thinking of breaking up or maybe it’s just moving too fast for her. Maybe she just needs some space.

Either way, this isn’t looking so good for you.

So what can you do?

First, be honest with her and let her know that her recent behavior hurt your feelings and that you feel neglected. It’s very important to be honest, but NOT judgemental or accusing. You need to create an environment where she feels safe being honest with you. That is if you REALLY do want the truth…

And when she does tell you the truth, be supportive and understanding – even if what she says makes you angry. Face it – you cannot control how she feels or what she does. Read that again. You cannot control how she feels or what she does. The only thing in this life that any of us can really control is our actions and our emotional responses to others’ actions. Period.

So take a deep breath and tell her how you feel.

Here’s a question from Ty in Nebraska who is facing this troubling issue right now.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Yeah so my girlfriend had her birth this weekend and I have been having issues not trusting her lately for some reason or and other. Well she went out of town back home for her birthday and she didn’t invite me! She has been real lovely talking to me lately like she is trying to cover up something it seems. Well I talked to her yesterday afternoon at about 2:30 and she said she would call me back so i waited it out all night and I texted her about 9:30 and never heard from her and then texted her happy b-day at 12:00 am this morning wishing her happy b-day and no hear back from her!

This is totally not like her because she is a text message freak and she has been calling me like crazy the last couple of days! I am starting to wonder if is being unfaithful or just ignoring me or what’s up I don’t know how to confront her on her birthday? I need to say something because it really is bothering me big time!

Lets hear back soon.
Thanks, Tyler

Watch this short video for our thoughts on this very interesting question…

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He Said “I Need Space!” and Stormed Out! Are We Breaking Up? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Fri, 17 Aug 2007 13:39:55 +0000

Isn’t it just amazing how a regular conversation on a happy day can turn into a vile, nasty argument? One minute you’re happy and in love, the next you’re screaming at the top of your lungs, and can’t think of enough hurtful things to throw at your partner! AAAhhhhh!

And then something snaps, and one of you yells "I need space!" and storms out!

"I Need Space!" – What it Really Means

It’s typically the man who needs space, but not always… Maybe it’s the pressure of the argument, maybe it’s something else. The fighting just gets to be too much… and he just can’t take it anymore. So he backs, or runs away to catch his breath and get some air.

"I Need Space" is avoidance, a cry for help from a wounded animal. The argument, the fighting, or life in general has gotten to be way too much and he needs a break from all of the stimulation.

When he says that, you should respect it as frustrating as it may be. Sure you want to understand what’s wrong, what triggered it, and at this point, how you can make it better. But that’s not always possible. Trying to approach someone who’s pulling back like this will often just push him farther away. In this emotional state, he is truly acting like a wounded animal and will likely bite if you try to approach.

So is this the first sign of a break up? Is the end in sight?

Probably not. People argue and fight, and that’s unfortunately just a normal part of any relationship. It doesn’t necessarily mean that he wants to break up, just that he needs a break at that point. It can be as simple as that.

However, if your relationship gets into a cycle of arguing and drama all the time, it very well may lead to break up! People spend time together to find happiness, companionship, and love. Not to fight and argue. No one likes to fight all the time and eventually, someone will leave.

Clash of the Personality Types

Some people thrive on conflict, and others avoid conflict. We are all different, which is really a great thing – wouldn’t it be boring if we were all the same? But here’s where problems can start…

Those who thrive on conflict, will debate a topic until they’re completely exhausted. Others simply hate fighting and arguing, and will do anything to avoid conflict.

So for obvious reasons, a relationship between a person who thrives on conflict and a person who always avoids conflict can quickly end in a bitter break up unless they learn to work together and respect one another’s boundaries.

3 Golden Rules to Keep Fights and Arguments from Destroying Your Relationship

Here are our 3 Golden Rules for resolving disagreements and avoiding fights:…

Relationship Advice for a Desperate Man: Do ALL Women Want Kids? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 16 Aug 2007 15:53:19 +0000

Many men find themselves frustrated with dating and understanding women…

This is compounded if he doesn’t want to have children because many men assume that ALL women want to have children. It even seems that many women use the topic of ‘kids’ in the early stages of the relationship to test how serious a man is about their relationship.

So if you’re a man, who does not want children, how are you supposed to have any chance at a long term relationship? As soon as you say "I don’t want children", the friction begins and the relationship ends soon there after.

Should You Avoid Long Term Relationships All Together?

If you’re still young, say less than 30, you may actually change your mind as you get older. So saying very adamantly, that you never, ever, want kids is not only harsh, but possibly untrue. How can you possibly know how you’ll feel in the next 5-10 years? You can’t!

If you are however, absolutely certain that you never, ever, want kids, then what is the best way to approach this problem with your new girlfriend?

Absolutes are never a good idea, not in life, and especially not in relationships. Rather than telling her "Never ever, no way in hell!", try a more subtle and less offensive approach, like "At this point in my life I don’t believe that I want children". Don’t lead her to believe that you’ll change your mind, but there’s no need to be so FIRM either.

After all, the only thing you can possibly know for sure is that you don’t want kids NOW, and you don’t want kids in the near future.

Do ALL Women Really Want Children?

You see, it’s not that all women ‘want’ children, but society teaches them form day one that they ’should’ want children and there must be something wrong with them if they don’t. Hopefully that’s changing as we mature and evolve as a society…

There is a very good chance that you will meet a woman who also does not want children. There are fewer women who feel this way, but they are definitely out there. A woman typically doesn’t make this decision until she’s a little older and these women tend to be the more driven and career minded. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with her decision, and she’d be thrilled to know that she’s not the only person in the world who doesn’t want children.

There are also many women who, for one reason or another, are unable to have children. I’m not talking about the adoption crazed mommy wanna-be’s, but the women who have come to terms with their situation and are actually OK with it.

One other point that is important to remember is…

Can You Trust Your Partner to Be JUST Friends with a Previous Lover? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Fri, 15 Jun 2007 23:22:42 +0000

So your partner claims to be just friends with a previous lover…

Fact is, it’s only natural to continue to have feelings for your ex even after the break up. But what happens when your partner remains good friends with their ex? Is it possible for them to be ‘just’ friends or will they be prone to ’slippage’?

Is this really possible? Should you trust them?

We feel that love is not finite and that it’s very possible to love many different people for different reasons. We love our children, our parents, our friends, and our pets. We love them all dearly, but in slightly different ways.

So, yes. We do think it’s possible for your partner to remain friends with their ex girlfriend, boyfriend, or spouse. There’s nothing wrong with this as long as there are no secrets about the relationship. Your partner should be completely open and honest with you about their feelings and where they stand.

How can you address the jealousy monster?

Even with full disclosure, there’s bound to be some jealousy from either their previous partner or from you. In today’s society, many treat their partners like they own them, telling them who they can talk to, where they can go, and when… The best way to combat the jealousy monster in this situation is open and honest communication and lots and lots of reassurance.

What if you suspect that there’s more than friendship going on?

So you’ve been completely flexible and trusting, but you have this nagging feeling that there’s more to this friendship than meets the eye?

If you believe that your partner is playing the friend card to hide an affair, you should…

Lying and Dishonesty: Are You in a Toxic Relationship? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Sun, 10 Jun 2007 19:57:56 +0000

Have you ever been in a relationship you knew wasn’t GOOD for you, but for some reason you stayed in it anyway – much longer than you should have?

Maybe you put up with lies and indiscretions. Maybe you even put up with verbal and physical abuse but for some reason just couldn’t bring yourself to end the relationship.

For many of us, when we do get the courage to break it of, we often look back through rose colored glasses and wonder if we made a mistake. Maybe it was me? Maybe I should have stayed, tried harder? There really were a lot of ‘good times’ mixed in with the bad…

But now, looking back, you know deep down that it should have lasted as long as it did.

So what’s the attraction behind these magical intoxicating relationships?

At first it feels like it must be love. But is it really?

Maybe it’s just really amazing sex… Or maybe the attraction is because the other person seems very exotic and different from anyone you’ve ever met. Whatever the reason, you find yourself in a destructive and toxic relationship that’s obviously going no where fast, and yet you just can’t seem to leave.

There are lots of reasons and excuses for staying like "The sex is so great", "I feel alive when we’re together", or "I just can’t explain it". And to a person trapped in this type of relationship, it is hard to explain.

But at some point, the infatuation and mystery starts to wear off just a bit, enough for you to open your eyes and start asking questions. Is this person really good for me? Are they honest with me? Do they really care about me?

If any of this sounds familiar to you now, it’s time to trust your instincts and take off those rose colored glasses. Be honest with yourself about the reality of the relationship. If it feels toxic, then it probably is. End it now and move on with your life. Find a partner who treats you with the love and respect that you deserve.

Here’s a question from Kim in South Carolina who’s suspects that she may have just left one of these toxic relationships and is now having doubts about doing the right thing…

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I have been seeing a guy that I have known for many years. He is 12 years younger than I am, and we have been seeing each other for about 10 months. I called it off because this relationship feels toxic to me!

He lies about things that I know aren’t the truth, but I love him! Did i do the right thing?

Signed Kim, missing him so much!!!

– Kim (South Carolina)

Watch this short video for our thoughts on this very interesting question…

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Then, be sure to chime in and tell us your thoughts - leave a comment below.

How to STOP Arguments and Fights from Killing Your Relationship (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 04 Jun 2007 17:09:20 +0000

Endless fights, arguments, and snipes late into the night…

You’ve seen it time and time again. Everything is going great, you and your partner love each other dearly, and your relationship couldn’t be better. Then, it strikes without warning. Someone says something, the other responds, and it’s on!

What appears to be a simple misunderstanding escalates into an argument, a fight, and someone ends up sleeping on the couch. Worse yet, one of you starts throwing things, then storms out of the house. Remember the frustration, the anger, the resentment?

Remember how puffed up your ego got? "Yeah, so there!" OK, clearly that didn’t go as planned. And you can bet nobody gained anything from that exchange.

What happened? How did a simple question turn into a screaming match?

In your mind, the other person "just doesn’t get it". But here’s the problem – in their mind, YOU "just don’t get it".

And what’s even WORSE is having ANY kind of emotional discussion (read: argument) by phone or email. NEVER do that if you can avoid it.

So how can this possibly be resolved without endless fighting and eventually maybe even breaking up?

When a "discussion" escalates into an argument, all sense and reason seems to leave the building. At that point, it’s all EGO, and going downhill hard. Everybody is getting puffed up trying to one-up the other person by saying something just a little more hurtful in response to what they just heard last. A guaranteed path to achieving nothing useful.

Could you agree to disagree?

Imagine…

Relationship Problem – Fighting Like Wild Animals?

Melody Brooke — Wed, 23 May 2007 16:16:48 +0000

Standing in Quick Sand

How many times have you found yourself in a discussion with your partner that suddenly turned sour and you don’t really know how you got there? You’ve said or done something that set them off and you are not sure how it happened, it’s just that suddenly you are standing in quick sand and sinking deeper by the second. Now, of course, you want to dig yourself out, but everything you try just pulls you in deeper. At this point your heart is racing, you are sweating and unsure of what to say or do. Your partner is behaving like a wounded animal and you don’t have a clue how to fix it. Sound familiar?

Well, it should sound familiar because we all do it. We all have times when our communications do go as we intend and we find ourselves battling a battle that we don’t understand. We don’t know what started it and we sure as heck don’t know how to stop it. Sometimes divorces result from just such interactions!

All of us have our moments. All of us have certain things that set us into a survival mode that leaves us feeling isolated, terrified, angry, hurt, or just plain depressed. This survival mode feels personal, as if our partners deliberately intend to wound us in our most sensitive places. Momentarily our partners may lose sight of who we are and, yes, say or do something to deliberately hurt us, but unless our partner is a psychopath, they don’t go into the conversation with the intention of hurting us. So why is it we so often find ourselves in the quick sand?

Human beings are animals. We have an old part of our brain (old in the evolutionary sense) that reacts in a primitive manner to any hint of perceived threat. We can’t really help it; our reactions are part of our brain function. The more insecure we feel in a relationship, and the more important that relationship is to us, the more likely we are to be triggered into this primitive reactivity. The set of behaviors triggered by our brain chemistry are pre-programmed into us from our ancestry to increase our chances of survival in the wild.

Lauren and Stan had been married for over 20 years, yet they had never established trust. Their “old brain” was still behaving as if their partner were a threat to them. Lauren’s mother was depressed and her father was an angry, frustrated man who raged at and physically abused his children. As a result, any time Stan expressed his frustration with anything that Lauren did, she accused him of being abusive. She shamed him and withheld sex from him. She believed herself to be protecting her children. Her old brain kicked in and she went into what I now call “Self-Protector” mode. Her attacks threw Stan into his own “Self-Protector” mode. She would snap at him…

Can a Relationship That Starts Out as an Affair Succeed? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 14 May 2007 17:45:25 +0000

Some couples are blessed with eternal happiness and an amazing relationship that gets stronger day by day, year by year. But others are just not so lucky, for any of hundreds of possible reasons.

Even though their relationship can start out great, they slowly start arguing and often grow apart until they’re downright miserable being together. Counseling can frequently help them mend their differences, but sometimes even that fails. Yet they stay together in an unhappy relationship because no one wants to think about break up and divorce; because to many, that means they’ve failed.

Often times, these unhappy people meet other unhappy people in a similar situation, and start an extramarital relationship, a.k.a. an affair. And no, it’s not always just about sex. Many times, an affair serves to fill an empty emotional void.

This new relationship can seem stronger and happier than the current marriage either partner is trying to escape. But, with the extreme stress and social pressure they’ll both face, can a relationship that starts out as an affair succeed and end up as a happy, long term relationship?

Today’s question is from a lady in Australia facing this very real issue.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

OK, I’ll prepare myself for an onslaught of hatred…. it’ll just mirror reality anyway. Two years ago I fell in love with a married man and the feelings were mutual. He had not loved his wife for many years – he had been feeling depressed and decided that was "his lot" in life.

We have tried a few times over the past two years to end things with each other, but we can’t. We feel – maybe as every affair couple does – that we are meant to be together. He has decided he cannot keep living a lie, and is making the first moves to move out. No, he is not going to tell her about me because it would make things even harder than they already will be (they have a 10 year old daughter). He has told her that he does not love her and wants to leave. She is resisting that, and is trying to do whatever she can to encourage him to stay. But he’s determined to leave, and eventually we will make our relationship public.

My question is, knowing that the statistics are poor for couples who get together as a result of an affair, what are the pitfalls we should be aware of, and how do we get through them. We want to be together forever. We know this is not ideal. But can you please offer some advice?

– Ria in Australia

Watch this short video for our thoughts on this very interesting question…

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He’s STILL Living With His Ex Girlfriend After The Break Up? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 01 May 2007 22:45:01 +0000

New love and previous lovers

New love is wonderful and full of joy, but there’s always that little matter of your new partner’s previous lovers.

We usually file that under "baggage" and hope they’re over those previous relationships, but sometimes those relationships live on in some form.

Letting go and moving on

Imagine dating a guy who still lives with his ex-girlfriend, for, ahem "financial reasons". Now, it’s not that hard to understand that they may have gotten themselves in debt and he can’t afford to move out (and maintain his lifestyle).

Trust… is he really over her?

But it does make you wonder… is he really over her and ready to move on, or is he holding on to the past and hoping to get back together with him.

How can you know for sure if he is really over her? Even if he is over her, how can you be sure that he won’t accidentally give in to an urge on a dark and lonely night when he’s alone at home with her? Can you ever know for sure?

It’s a lot easier to slip up and have an "oops" moment with a previous lover, since you’ve already been intimate and you know each other well. All it takes is a little alcohol and a surge of passion, and you’ve got "slippage"!

Trust in a relationship is very important, but if you put yourself in a position to mess up, eventually you will. So do you demand he moves out from his girlfriend’s place, or can you just trust him to be faithful to only you (and to not get any urges on that dark and stormy night after he’s had one too many glasses of wine)?

Be sure to read the question, then watch the video and leave your thoughts below.

Here’s the full story…

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’ve just started going out with a bloke who classes himself as single but has told me he still lives with his ex girlfriend (if she’s really his ex!). According to him, he still lives with her for financial reasons only, (I guess this means he couldn’t afford a place of his own). He tells me there is no longer a relationship going on between them.

His work mate told me on the quiet that it was genuine what he is telling me, but he agreed himself that it was an odd set up. I can’t bring myself to fully believe his work mate, because if he does know he’s still sleeping with her, he wouldn’t tell me anyway, would he?

Supposing he is telling the truth – how do I know? I don’t want to continue this with the thought that my boyfriend and his work mate are having a laugh behind my back.

- Jen from England

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Why Won’t He Tell His Family About Our Relationship? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Sat, 28 Apr 2007 02:27:24 +0000

Friends and family can often be very unsupportive of your new relationships.

You know the drill… your mom keeps finding faults with your new girlfriend, your friends don’t think she’s "not right for you", and so on. Or your dad just thinks "that new boy just isn’t the one", and makes sure to remind you of that 3 times a day.

So if you’re in love and want the relationship to blossom, you’ll have to decide what side to take – and who can make those decisions in your love life.

Some people ignore this "well intentioned" advice and make their own decisions on life and love, while others just give in and walk away from their newfound love.

And then there are those who decide to live a double life with their newfound love, and hide this relationship from their family and friends. For whatever reasons, they decide the secrets and lies are worth it.

But is this really better than facing your family and friends and making the hard decision? Where do you draw that line?

You decide. Be sure to read the question, then watch the video and leave your thoughts below.

Here’s the full story…

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I am 71 years old and I have been seeing this guy who is 80 off and on for 3 years

He lives one hour from me and I met him on line

The question I have is that after that long and being intimate he still keeps me a secret from his family

He says he is divorced for 5 years but I asked him once does your daughter and son know about me he said no

They couldn’t face the fact because of the divorce – she is 27 and son is 28 he has no phone and I have never been to his home he has been to mine many times and has met my whole family

Whenever I bring up the subject about his home or anything he evades the question he said he loves me deeply but if I mention I don’t like all these secrets he thinks I have found a young stud and that makes no room for him and if I even think I should look somewhere else I feel guilty.

Please tell me where you think I stand because I am thinking of joining a singles club in town. It isn’t that I want to be with him 24/7 it is the mystery behind all this.

I have the computer for communications unless he calls me from a card phone which I can’t call back on. Thank you for your time.

-Rose

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