Ask Dan and Jennifer » relationship tips

Don’t Let The Passion Fade!

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 14:00:25 +0000

Passion is not to be confused with love, but it still is an important part of a relationship – and it’s important to understand WHY it’s important! Because the feelings of passion we experience – especially pronounced at the beginning of a relationship – aren’t actually love, couples should be aware that the absence of passion is not the absence of love. However, losing passion in a relationship is something that should not be taken lightly.

As one therapist on PsychologyToday.com described it:

“But those couples who have failed to keep the passion alive can sometimes resemble a stagnant pond that has no fresh water coming in or going out — the relationship just sort of sits there. It isn’t going anywhere and it certainly doesn’t have enough freshness to it to bring life.”

Especially once you’ve been in a committed relationship for a while, it’s easy to get to that point of stagnation. Life is busy and demanding. There are frequently careers in the picture, perhaps kids, home ownership, financial demands and relationship stress, family issues, and much more. I bring this topic up particularly around the holidays when – although it’s a time we SHOULD be using to spend with loved ones and reignite passion in our romances – it’s often instead a period of the year that is incredibly stressful and draining.

How To Keep Romance Alive

I talk about a few techniques to keep the romance alive in my book, Make Up Don’t Breakup, and I also use these strategies for couples that have been through an affair or feel themselves pulling away from their partner. They work in less serious circumstances to – because, let’s face it, everyone in a relationship at one time or another has needed a little change to their routine. So give them a try this holiday season and focus on what’s important in your life!

Make A Decision To Fall In Love Again

Fidelity – both sexual and financial – results from intent to REMAIN in love. These types of commitments don’t just happen. A strong relationship may feel fun and exciting at first, but it’s not based on those feelings! It’s normal that these initial impulses start to fade, but you have to commit to growing your love stronger than it was before.

Treat Each Other Like You Did At The Beginning

Why does it seem to be the case that we only hurt the ones we love? We tend to show our “best selves” to the people who play less-important roles in our lives. Aside from learning to be nice to each other again, and learning to treat each other respectfully, bring back things that you did when you first met – and feel free to spice it up – go back to the honeymoan! Make these activities your top priority!

A Touch Can Be Magical!

It can get your hormones flowing and build attraction. Rediscover romance by bringing physical connection – at whatever lever you’re comfortable with – back into your life.

Give Up Your Old Money Relationships

Just as you would have to do if you had an affair and decided to work things out with your partner, you must give up your old ways of dealing with money and re-map these problem areas with healthy habits.

Sustainable Relationships

Maryanne Comaroto — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 14:00:44 +0000

If you have had a few relationships you know what I mean by “sustainability,” especially ones that have been a source of pain or suffering to some degree. (Some of which have compelled you to dispose of them by almost any means, organic or not.) But what of the ones you wish to keep, nurture and grow? Given all the energy most of us spend putting ourselves “out there” on the emotional limb let’s wise up and turn those seeds into wisdom. Let’s instead get on with how to make our lives fertile so that we can more optimally attract and create more healthy, fulfilling, sustainable relationships.

Okay, enough with the plant metaphor. You get it (hopefully). The deal is that if we come to relationship broken up, with some serious unexamined baggage, expecting to attract great relationships, odds are the next one will end up much the same—in disappointment and regret. At some point, as I have said many times, you gotta be thinking, “Hey, maybe it’s not just them.”

Here are some pointers for how to sustain any great relationship (platonic or otherwise), once you have carefully selected who you want to be in it with:
Respect Here’s a word. Know what it means? If you don’t, you have no chance at REAL, lasting intimacy (in my not-so-humble opinion). If you respect yourself, just double it. Don’t just talk about it either—this is an action item. Respect is not a feeling, it’s a way of behaving!

Responsible Communication

You get to choose from every word in the English language (or whatever language you share) in whatever tone you choose to communicate your thoughts and feelings to another, so choose carefully. You have no one to blame if you don’t tell the truth or say what you want. My teacher says “We are always doing one of two things; creating separation or connection.” What is your intention?

Integrity

Do what you say you’re going to do, when you say you’re going to do it, as often as humanly possible. And don’t BS yourself. Nobody trusts a flake, nor does anyone want their vulnerable hearts to be in the care of one. If you love and respect someone, ACT like it!

Compatibility

Just because someone has good energy doesn’t mean you do real life well together. Watch what people DO, not only what they say. Make sure you are compatible with them or you’ll be sadly disappointed, eventually bored and even resentful. There are 7 billion people on the planet—check some more of them out and quit trying to make someone they are not!

Compassion

Walked a mile in their shoes, have you? I recommend before you think you know whatever you think you know about the person you say you love, one of the most loving acts of all is to try and understand as much as you want to be understood. Old adage for a reason. ‘Cause it’s a damn good one!

Expectations

The fastest way to get back to love in any relationship is to want nothing. Period. Try it. No one is responsible for your happiness or anything else, unless expressly agreed to.

Consciousness Agreements

One of my all-time favorites. Let people know what’s important to you up front. As soon as possible, in fact. In any relationship the time to negotiate is up front, not after you are in deep! Don’t want to party a lot, but notice you keep giving in and feeling bad about yourself—but afraid to lose your friends if you stand up for yourself? Don’t want to have sex so much, but because you’re afraid they will leave, you do it anyway (see compatibility)? What are your non-negotiables?

These tools and skills have helped me immeasurably over the years and I rely on them all, as they are responsible for helping me maintain the loving, healthy relationships I have today! Remember, relationships take work, they are not just “add water,” and people are not disposable. They are precious blessings, and in their presence I feel blessed to keep on my path to becoming the best version of myself, as well as have the privilege to witness l those I love do the same!

The Problem With Pleasure

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 00:00:24 +0000

The problem with pleasure is nothing…except the interpretation we bring to it. Sometimes I think the only other topic with more confusion around it is that of money (i.e. the misreading of scripture that “money is the root of all evil”). From a similar, puritanical place we are taught that pleasure is synonymous with selfishness. That it degrades the spirit. That giving pleasure is better than receiving it. That we shouldn’t have too much fun because then something bad will happen.

Different Kinds Of Pleasure

There are aphorisms and superstitions around the topic of pleasure that do not serve anyone. Truth told: pleasure should be the predominant experience of a person’s life with pain being the exception. Of course, here at AskDanandJennifer.com, the kind of pleasure that first comes to mind is sexual pleasure. But pleasure is something that should be a part of most of our pursuits in life. In your job, career, volunteer work, hobbies, friendships, family, shopping, religious or spiritual expression, there should always be a pay off for giving your time, attention, and talents to these pursuits. And the pay offs should provide genuine pleasure.

For instance, some people choose careers in order to please their parents. To make a different choice, even if it brought personal satisfaction and pleasure, would produce too much guilt. There’s a negative pay off to pursuing the career or job that makes the parents happy and that is you get to feel loyal. But that loyalty can lead to dissatisfaction, resentment, and deep unhappiness. Whereas, suffering a little guilt and pursuing your dreams can produce satisfaction, joy, and tremendous happiness!

Over-Pleasing

Some people are the sounding boards for practically every single person in their lives. They wind up giving and giving and giving until it hurts! They give their time, attention, even their money, to make sure that the people in their lives know they are loved and valued. The problem is these folks don’t get this kind of love and attention returned to them. They are so easy to get along with and so pleasing, that everyone who uses them thinks they’re fine, that they have it all together, and that they don’t anything from anybody.

There is initial pleasure for the giver in such relationships because it does feel good to be so well appreciated. However, the day comes when most conversations with your friends and colleagues make you feel like a used, dirty rag. Real pleasure comes from relationships that have healthy give and take from both sides. Everyone needs to receive regular attention and nurturing support. Some give of themselves sexually in such a way as to please their partner for fear that attending to their own pleasure will have bad results. They fear coming across as too self-centered. Truthfully, there is no greater pleasure than knowing your lover totally trusts you with his or her sexual pleasure. It is a huge complement when your partner melts at your touch, or over the way your breath feels on the back of her neck, or through the direct eye contact he gives you that lets you know you’ve found the exact right spot.

Sexual Pleasure

If your romantic partner refuses to find pleasure in your sensuality and makes you feel wrong in any way for desiring sexual pleasure or sensual attention; it takes a lot of courage to confront the situation inside yourself, in the first place, and with him or her as well. Our bodies, minds, and souls were built to receive pleasure. If you deny yourself this natural, human expression, you’ll pay dearly with resentment, anger, even depression. Allowing someone to determine that you are bad or wrong for desiring pleasure is the same thing as denying yourself.

Having trouble with pleasure is built in to a variety of cultures around the world. However, there is a simple and effective way that will allow you to open up to receive more pleasure in your life. It does take courage and some effort, but it’s worth it. All you have to do is commit to loving yourself more each day. People who love themselves allow greater amounts of pleasure into their lives. If they are alone, they take care of their own needs and desires. If they are in a relationship, they learn how to effectively ask for what they want. Because they appreciate themselves and their own pleasure so much, they have a whole lot of love and pleasuring to give as well. A circle of energy is created in their lives with plenty of give and take in most of their relationships.

Pleasing Yourself

With a commitment to love yourself more each day, you find yourself doing and saying things to you that you would give to someone you highly value. You say, “I love you!” to yourself. You give yourself good strokes for things well done. You dress in such a way that you enhance your good feelings towards yourself. You are patient with yourself and yet you challenge you to be better, strive farther, and accomplish more because you value your potential! These kinds of things will give you pleasure. As your self-worth and pleasure increase, you will attract those who desire to give you pleasure as well. And then life will be fuller, richer, and sweeter – with the hard times handled with more grace and confidence.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T Is How Men Spell Love

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 00:00:18 +0000

I got a phone call this week from a woman whose relationship was falling apart. It had been fading for a long time and likely didn’t have the potential to be re-birthed. She wanted a magic cure for it. I worked with her from her perspective of trying to save it and towards the end of an hour long conversation, we got to the nuts and bolts of what had likely gone wrong; which was also the thing that could bring the relationship back to life.

Losing All Respect

What had gone wrong was within a couple of years of their relationship, she stopped respecting her man. When you stop respecting someone, there is no neutral. No respect results in words and behavior that communicate disrespect. Disrespect from his woman will tear at a man’s love for her. If they don’t catch the problem and fix it, that disrespect will ruin the relationship.

As I coached her to share respect in verbal and physical ways, I faced a challenge I always face whenever I have this conversation with a disrespecting woman. I said to her, “Men are just fine as they are. They don’t need to be fixed or improved. The way they are, the way they handle themselves, is perfectly fine.”

She interrupted me at that point and said, “For them,” meaning men are only perfectly fine just the way they are in the company of other men but not in the company of women. There is the rub. There is the relationship disrespect that makes a man walk away. It is subtle and insidious. Nothing says “I love and adore you,” to a man quite like verbalizing and showing your respect of him. Remember or imagine what it is or would be like when your fellow says, “I love and adore you!” It nurtures you, feeds you, and improves the relationship. In the exact same way, that is how a man experiences the words, “I respect you.”

How To Express Your Respect

I have to be honest, though. It isn’t easy for a woman to express her respect for a man either verbally or through her actions. I don’t know why it isn’t easy. It does seem to be a universal challenge for women. I imagine the answer to why is multi-dimensional and multi-generational. But at the end of the day, “why” doesn’t matter. This is a relationship problem that behavior modification can solve. It takes discipline but is quite simple. Whenever you find yourself respecting or admiring him for anything, no matter how small or big a deal it is, tell him so. It may feel awkward and uncomfortable. You may choke on the words, but say it. You’re not the only person in the room and I can tell you from experience, he will not experience your discomfort. Rather, he will feel seen, heard, appreciated, and deeply loved. Those are results that make the discomfort worthwhile!

Show him you love him. When your best girlfriend shares an interest with you that you could care less about, you don’t dismiss her or tune her out. But we tend to roll our eyes and huff and puff when the men we love request our attention for something they’re interested in that we are not. Stop those eyes from rolling, focus on him and give him your full attention. He will feel respected and he’ll adore you for it. This isn’t about becoming “perfect respecters.” Relationships can’t be perfect. Life and relationships are messy on this planet. The thing is there are ways to make life and relationships more fun and fulfilling. Women respecting men and men loving women are key ingredients to the recipe of making life and relationships yummy!

Grief Can Affect Your Relationship In Surprising Ways

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Our beloved dog, Buddy, died this week. As a rescue dog, we were never sure of his age, but believe he was at least fifteen. He was a big black dog with white and black dotted “socks” on his feet. Of all the breeds that contributed to his physique, the Labrador retriever in him was most evident. He was beautiful and he seemed to think I had hung the moon. He was a dear family member and, although it is a privilege to be able to help a pet exit this earthly plane, letting him go was painful.

How Grief Can Affect Your Relationship

This journey with Buddy brought home to me the affects of grief on a relationship. Grief is a part of every loss, whether it is the loss of a precious heirloom, a job or career, a quality like faith, or a relationship. Some women even feel grief when a fingernail breaks! It doesn’t tend to be long lasting grief, but the loss brings an experience of grief, even if it is short lived.

There are a variety of ways grief can affect your relationship. The most notable is how when we’re grieving our attention turns inward. It can be difficult to tolerate other people complaining about the trials and tribulations of their lives. If your significant other is used to depending on you to process the irritations of the day, you can find it bugs you in a way it never did before. Impatience and arguments can then ensue.

How Grief Affects You

Impatience with the things in life that don’t work tends to become inflamed during grief. Not being able to get the cap off a bottle can result in a broken bottle and feelings of rage. Too many things going wrong, even if they’re insignificant, can result in head banging or a fist through a wall. At this point the grief becomes complicated with the addition of shame for having lost such control over something so seemingly meaningless.

Another way grief affects you and your relationship is how it makes your body ache. It is as if your muscles respond to your emotional state. It can cause you to feel listless and lifeless. Things that used to bring you joy simply don’t any more. Your appreciation for those things will return; but in the meantime, your spouse may be frustrated as his or her attempts to lift your spirit with these things fall flat.

Grieving affects your appetite. Some people crave nurture food when they grieve and others eat less. If your relationship has problems with food, grief can shake it up. If dieting is a big part of your relationship, turning to food can cause a great deal of stress. If your partner is concerned that you are eating too little, he or she can come across as a nagging mother and cause consternation.

Grief Is An Expression Of Love

When grief accompanies a loss through death or separation; landmines (in the form of memories and habits) lie everywhere. My dog Buddy was my shadow. With his declining health, I was in the habit of sneaking out of my office when taking little breaks so as to not wake the sleeping giant. Usually I failed at this and he would pull himself up off the floor, following me to the kitchen or laundry or wherever. During this first week following his death, whenever I get up from my desk my stomach clinches as I anticipate trying to sneak out, hoping he’ll continue to sleep, only to find the floor beside my desk is empty. When the loss is a family member and the landmine is, for instance, bath time with a child that no longer takes place, grief can be crippling to the parents and to their relationship.

The solution to the problem is time and patience. Joy will return. Happiness will come back. Sleeping through the night will occur. Laughter will fill the belly. These things and more will creep back into your life (or your loved one’s life) unexpectedly. You won’t be able to plan them on your calendar but they will return. In the meantime, recognizing the toll grief takes while choosing to be patient begins the healing process.

If you or a loved one are in the throws of grief, hang in there. Grief is an expression of love. Remind yourselves that a day will come when choosing joy will be the best expression of love for that absent person or pet. In the meantime, giving grief the space it needs is love enough.

How Standing On Your Head Can Improve Your Love Life

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Sun, 26 Jul 2009 01:15:45 +0000

This morning I was out in one of our flower beds pulling weeds. I ran across the cover of the septic tank, which brought back memories. A few years ago, we had problems with the septic system when my husband had to be out of town. Handling it myself, I called a septic repairman who was glad for the work. Some restructuring of the tank was necessary, resulting in juniper having to be severely cut and a new and improved cover installed. I like the new cover. Larger and broader, it gives me a ledge from which to work in the bed. You see, we live in the mountains of Western North Carolina where every house, yard, garden, and flower bed is built on the side of a hill.

So, I stood on the septic tank cover this morning, bent at the waste pulling weeds, where for all intents and purposes my upper body was upside down; when suddenly, I had an epiphany about the opposite sex and what makes them happy! It was so brilliant, I’m thinking of making a habit of standing on my head to discover just how much I can see from their perspective.

Letting A Man Do The Work

In order to share the epiphany, I have to divulge a secret. All my married life, I have resented the man in my life needing me to let him do things that I can do for myself. Independent and resourceful, I was born singing the song, “Anything you can do, I can do better! I can do anything better than you!” At the same time, when he’s out of town and I have to handle calling the septic repairman or the electrician or whatever, I resent it that he isn’t available to take care of it for me.

Now before you think, “What a b___!” Hear me out. This is a common phenomenon for women. That means, gentlemen (and the rare lady who hasn’t had this experience) you don’t have to take it personally. Besides, I believe I have discovered how to walk out of the problem.

When I was practically upside down an hour ago with my memories of the septic repair, I got on a feeling level the following words, “They want to help and it makes them happy. What’s the big deal about waiting till he’s around to ask for his help, when something that simple makes him so happy? Does anything short of a real emergency really need to be done immediately by me alone when inviting him into the solution of whatever needs to be fixed is so gratifying for him?”

Swallow That Pride And Ask For Help!

It was as if by hanging upside down, a switch got turned on – a really good one that holds the true promise of big rewards. Ladies, I cannot express enough how satisfying for him it is for a man to help you. And it is so simple. You just have to be willing to pause and ask for help. You just have to be willing to give up a little bit of control.

When you ask for his help, let him do it his way! Just because men and women tackle problems differently doesn’t make either one inferior or superior, wrong or right. If you are going to surrender and let him help, surrender all the way. He’ll adore you for it.

You might try standing on your head every once in awhile and just see if new perspectives that make life richer and fuller come your way. Do it naked and see how playful the transformation of your relationship can be!

Are Your Words Making You More Relationship Attractive?

Greg Halpen — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 01:14:19 +0000

Have there been times when you’ve had a heated argument with someone and you wished you could have been a little calmer? Your Emotional Channels get so flared up, you lose yourself and you say things you wish you hadn’t? Or do you hold on to your resentments and when you do finally explode you spew off random complaints in what I like to call, “the list.” The list is a series of complaints that you’ve built up over a period of time and when your HOT button gets pushed, you start rattling off a list of things you had a problem with, instead of communicating them when they happen.

Through my own experiences, especially when it comes to becoming more Relationship Attractive, I’ve discovered that healthy communication is essential for becoming a Date Smart and Relationship Ready single gay man. Now, think about this: Are YOU the type of person who is highly reactive when your emotions are at a high?

Myth vs. Reality

There’s also a deeply ingrained myth regarding conflicts and relationships; that it’s healthy when you’re in constant conflict in a relationship. Well, I would like to bust that myth by saying it’s simply NOT true and it doesn’t have to be that way. Sure, conflicts are part of human nature, and what’s also part of human nature is the ability to either come to a point where conflict is dealt with ease or you work on conflict skills so they are not so HEATED when you do find Mr. Wonderful…..but it doesn’t have to be a normal occurrence in relationships.

You can rest your heart, because just when you thought there was no way to turn it around, I’m here to tell you there is. As a blissful and successful single gay man myself I have spent an enormous amount of time working on how to mellow out the emotions when in conflict. This was a HUGE learning curve for me, but I set an intention, applied what the experts taught me and I can proudly say I’ve mastered it.

To cut your learning time by at least half, I am going to share with you a simple formula that will take you from reactionary to the calm and peaceful communicator that you know you can be. You will learn how to resolve conflict with ease that will eventually lead you to a more peaceful existence, especially when it comes to that special relationship you are working towards attracting.

Learning How To Communicate

1. Active Listening. Remember, when in conflict, it’s not really about them, it’s about you. Stay grounded, keep the blame factor to yourself and keep your emotions in check. Try this experiment: The next time someone comes to you with a “complaint or who is emotionally dumping on you,” try reflecting back what they’re say to you, using their words. That means, no interrupting to give your advice or input in the matter. Our egos want to WIN, but there are no winners here. It’s not a competition. Simply reflect back what they are saying by beginning each phrase with “So, what I’m hearing you say is…” and when they are done, ask if you might have a turn to respond. This will help ground you, force you to listen and help you put into perspective what they might be needing and after some practice you’ll react less and become a highly skilled listener.

2. Use your words. I spent a few years teaching preschool and one principle always sticks out in my mind. We taught our kids to “Use Their Words” when in conflict. I believe as adults the same principle holds a lot of power and value; especially if you’re stuck in reactionary mode. This was one of the biggest lessons for me as an adult. Sometimes as adults we don’t use our words when expressing frustration, anger or even joy. That doesn’t mean using inappropriate words, but words that serve you and the skills of healthy communication. Children ARE amazing teachers!

3. Choose your battles. Pardon me while I use that word, “battle.” By no means do I promote conflict. What I mean is, if conflict does arise, cool down and take some time to work through it yourself first. Ask yourself important questions like, “What do I need right now?” “How can I take care of myself without involving others?” “How important is it really and am I blowing the situation out of proportion?” You will be surprised by the answers, and just by taking some time to reflect and actually thinking about the situation you might actually discover that what you were angry about wasn’t all that important to begin with.

Your Relationship Attractive Homework

The only way change is going to happen is if you implement these steps right away CONSISTENTLY. I can remember a time when I would attend seminars and read self-help books and wondered why I didn’t see changes happening in my life. I soon realized that until I apply the tips and strategies in my own life CONSISTENTLY, nothing was going to change. Ask a friend to practice strategies 1 and 2 with you. Role playing can be fun and you both will gain so much value.

Less Is Enough – Relationship Survival Tips For A Receding Economy

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 15:10:21 +0000

Remember in school when it was so important to have just the right pair of jeans or to carry a shoulder bag instead of a backpack? To a certain extent – depending on your circle of friends and acquaintances – things can stay this way as we grow up and become adults. Are there certain brands you just have to have? Are there gadgets that seem absolutely necessary?

When The Tables Get Turned

The interesting thing about this recession we’re facing is that the tables, in many cases, seem to have turned. Instead of being looked down on for not having the right brands, the right accessories or the right clothes, kids – and we adults too – are being judged when they DO have these things. As more and more people cut back, those that don’t have to do so are under more and more pressure and scrutiny. The idea that a child – or adult for that matter – should feel ashamed because they don’t have the right toys or clothes is being turned on its head.

It’s for this reason that even celebrities – who in most cases have more than enough – are not “strutting their stuff” out of respect for the predicament we as a nation find ourselves in. So how do we handle these issues if we’re the person who’s feeling guilty for not cutting back, or if we’re the one who is unable to continue in the lifestyle we once were accustomed to? The answer, while simple, is something we can take to heart when dealing with issues of money and friends.

How To Handle The Recession In Your Relationships

1. Be honest. I’m not suggesting you should divulge how much you’re making (or not making) but rather that many taboos of money have fallen away – even more so in this economy. It’s OK to tell friends that you can’t afford the Sunday brunch you had planned or that you’ll have to save up for a weekend away. If you’re in a position that hasn’t changed since the recession, don’t feel guilty for continuing to live your life the way you want to. But do be aware of those around you. Which brings me to my next point.

2. Be sensitive. If you have a friend who doesn’t have the resources she once did, while you shouldn’t feel ashamed for continuing to live your life, acknowledge what she’s going through. Suggest meeting for coffee and someone’s house or having a movie night at home. You’d be surprised at how much this can help take the pressure off. And if you’re the person who’s having to cut back, understand that not everyone is having to make the sacrifices you are and that’s OK.

Using my Smart Heart dialogue – which I mention in both Financial Infidelity and Make up Don’t Break up, will enable you to do this. This method of communication reminds us to take the other person into account and, while it’s designed to be used with couples, works quite well with friendships, too. Understand that a person’s money habits can be ingrained in them from a very young age – or they may be used to assuming a certain status or lifestyle, and therefore are usually held to pretty tightly, even if that person doesn’t realize it! Integrating your differences and views about money during a shift in a close friendship or relationship can be difficult but is important to the ongoing health of that relationship!

Please understand I’m not suggesting you air your gritty budget details to everyone, but letting the people in your life know what’s going on – in broad strokes – is perfectly acceptable and understandable nowadays.

Women Bringing Home The Bacon In A Recession

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 20:32:46 +0000

I’ve noted before that more and more women are making more than their partners and spouses, and although statistically in many jobs, men still make more than women, the balance of monetary “power” in many relationships is shifting. So how is this balance holding up in the recession? Turns out, it’s shifting even more toward women as their status as breadwinner continues to become more and more prevalent. According to a New York Times study. over the passed year – as companies from Citibank to GM announced massive layoffs, 82 percent of the people getting laid off have been men. It won’t be long before women become the majority of the American workforce.

Is This Good News?

This can be both good and bad news. It’s good because more women being primary money-makers is an opportunity to finally disprove the outdated idea that supporting a family is a man’s job. But on the other hand, for many, this isn’t what they had in mind. Being forced into a breadwinning role because of far less-than-stellar circumstances is probably far from what most women had in mind. Making more than a partner because the partner is out of work is not really something positive.

CNN.com talked to a few women who know about these pros and cons first hand. One women laments that now her boyfriend of 17 years has become needy, saying, “We haven’t gone out to a restaurant since and are buying store brands at the market. He’d never admit it, but he’s become more needy. When I’ve had a stressful day at work, it’s hard to come home and be upbeat and supportive.”

Another woman blames the recession for her breakup, as her boyfriend had to relocate to find work: “Between September and January, my boyfriend has been laid off four times. He applied for tons of jobs in Los Angeles, but got zero response. Then he posted his resume in Boston, where he’s from. He got 10 calls quickly. We decided it was best for him to move back to Boston. The recession has split us up.”

Yet another working woman explains how the duties have shifted to her stay-at-home spouse: “My husband Paul is now responsible for keeping the house clean, washing the dishes, doing the laundry, taking our son to practices, helping with homework, plus walking the dog.”

Communicating With Your Partner Is The Key

I’ve always stressed in my practice and with my patients, the power of non-judgmental communication, or what I call “Smart Heart Dialogue.” This type of communication is even more important now, when egos are fragile, stress abounds, and tempers are short. It’s important that each person give the other a place in which they can be honest and – just as importantly – a place where each person knows the other is going to take their honesty to heart. What good is a conversation if no change comes from the concerns voiced? It’s crucial to have constant, two-way communication, but each person must also be committed to making reasonable changes if necessary and compromising when applicable.

3 Simple Secrets To Staying In The Moment

Greg Halpen — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 23:21:39 +0000

Create a Relationship Success Plan PLUS the gift of Presence

As single gay men, we’ve had to endure some pretty heavy stuff in our lives and for the most part, it was stuff pretty much out of our control. We’ve had to work through coming out to friends and family. Some have even had to endure the pain of their parent’s being unreceptive, and how about the gay men who are secret at work because they are in fear of losing their jobs?

Think about this: How can you be present while carrying around so much baggage?

A very special spiritual teacher, who I hold a great deal of respect for, Eckhart Tolle said that, “The only thing that can free you from the past (or future) is “Presence”. I added the future part. : ) How often does the past hold you in its grasp? Do you often dream of a better life? Do you fantasize about the perfect relationship, but believe it will never happen? There is absolutely no way you can enjoy the gifts, the freedom, and the joy of pure love, if you are constantly bringing the past instead of bringing presence.

It’s Time To Bring It!

What I mean by being present, is not allowing the past or the future to take over and dictate your life decisions. You know what I’m talking about; when our buttons get pushed; when we show up for a first date; when there is conflict with your partner; communicating when your needs aren’t being met or when your boss gives you feedback and you take it so personally it paralyzes you.

Your Relationship Success Assignment:

So, what do you do when you feel like you’re slipping into the past or rushing off to the future? Well, I have good news? There is a way where you can calm your heart, settle your stomach and ease into emotional freedom AND get clear on what kind of relationship you want. So let me help you out here by sharing three SIMPLE SECRETS to staying in the moment so you wont miss Mr. Wonderful.

Relationship Success Secret #1

If you are dead serious about ending the cycle of repeating same poor choices over and over, then you’ll make it your practice to be vigilant, self-observant, and welcome the moment. Like most things in life when it comes to mastering something, it takes practice and discipline. Also it takes willingness to keep trying.

Why not go the extra mile by setting up a reminder on your computer calendar? Allow yourself 15 minutes of stillness each day to remember “Presence”. Also, having a presence buddy will make this 100% easier. It kicks things up a notch when you have an accountability partner.

Believe me, you will NEVER look at dating and relationships the same way.

Relationship Success Secret #2

Say YES to whatever is happening NOW (Bad or Good). Allow for whatever is happening to happen, without judgment. ex. You’re watching the daily news (not something that I do) and a story comes up that is very disturbing or violent. Instead of tripping over furniture for the clicker or cursing yourself for watching it, allow yourself to watch the section without judgment while saying gently to yourself, “I allow this to pass through me.”

What many of us do when it comes to bad dating and relationships and family history is, we tend to block them out as if the experiences never happened. This is a VITAL mistake and only leads to strong resentments and repeating patterns.

Relationship Success Secret #3

Know that life isn’t perfect; hopefully sooner, rather than later, you WILL sense spaciousness around whatever happens in your life. Everything will seem to balance out and when conflicts do arise, you will know how to approach them and let them go.

When A Woman Needs To Be Right

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Sat, 07 Mar 2009 01:00:57 +0000

I recently overheard a man talk about how often the arguments with his wife have to do with her apparent need to be right. It seems she is always correcting what he says and how he does things. And if he is “caught” having been wrong when she was right, she has to make sure he knows she was right. He seemed helpless to know what to do.

Catching his conversation, I thought, “What a neat topic to tackle for an article at AskDanandJennifer.com!” Clearly, I followed through on the impulse. However, I must admit that what I felt on the heels of my great idea was guilt and shame because I do this very thing to my husband. I don’t do it all the time but I do my fair share of 1) having to be right, 2) correcting him when I think he’s wrong, and 3) making sure he’s aware when I was right about something and he either should have listened to me or isn’t he glad he did!

How To Stop Needing To Be Right

So, I determined to write an article about it because I actually have advice for how a woman can stop needing to be right! Then, I ran across this quote today from Albert Camus, “The need to be right – the sign of a vulgar mind.” Heaven knows I do not want to have a “vulgar” mind and the coincidence of the quote coming at this particular time must mean this article was meant to be written!

Before I reveal the secret to no longer having to be right, let’s talk about how the need to be right is hell on a relationship. Even some men have the need to be right and it doesn’t work for them either! Whatever the motivation is for needing to be right, whether it’s a control thing or arrogance born of insecurity, letting the person who needs to be right continue the habit in order to satisfy their need isn’t the answer. Satisfying their need doesn’t work because that need isn’t healthy.

When people choose being right over any relationship, they set themselves up to experience shame and loneliness. People don’t like being around those who need to be right. Always being corrected starts out a shaming experience but ultimately just becomes boring. People who need to be right all the time are satisfying a need at the expense of the relationship and so they are not being real. Eventually, the person with whom you always have to be right doesn’t look forward to your coming around. They do not want to be with you any longer.

Having to be right sets up the couple for feeling more shame than is necessary in life! The one who is corrected feels shame for obvious reasons. However, the one who has to be right also feels shame because he or she knows the satisfaction that comes with being right is shallow and not really worth it.

The Secret

So, what is the secret to no longer having to be right? People suggest that you simply choose the relationship over being right and it will be all right. I say that is an excellent philosophy that isn’t easily accomplished in real life if you have a need to be right. Remember, I come from having experience with this issue!

My secret is more practical but will get you to the place where you can truly live choosing the relationship over being right. The secret is to treat it like a bad habit. That is all it is, really. Any time we routinely manipulate someone to satisfy a need that cannot be satisfied we are just gratifying a bad habit.

Treating the need to be right as a bad habit means that I try to catch myself before I do it. In the beginning, of course, it isn’t always possible. Sometimes, though, you can swallow your words in the middle of voicing how right you are and even disappear, if you have to, in order to deal with the discomfort of stopping yourself. That’s how it is in the beginning of stopping any bad habit. Sometimes, the best you can do is to catch yourself in the middle of it and just stop!

Eventually, though, you will find that you can stop before you speak and just not say the words that indicate the other person is wrong or needs to be corrected. If you have to, leave the room until the driving desire to open your mouth and make sure he knows you are right dissipates! It will get easier in time.

You can even develop a new habit to replace this one. You can practice being supportive, allowing, and compassionate. Just because someone does something differently than you do doesn’t mean he or she is wrong! And if how it gets done is less than ideal, you are dealing with an adult. That person can handle whatever he needs to handle to get it done.

Breaking this habit is an excellent pursuit. The amount of shame, fear, and even loathing that goes away with the habit is a worthy pay off for the effort!

Do You Have To Leave The Country To Find A Good Woman?

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 19:02:15 +0000

I have a friend who is preparing to move to Costa Rica for two reasons. One is financial as he believes he can live more cheaply there. Since all his grown children live here in the States, the second reason might be the more important one. He is also moving to Costa Rica for the women. He finds the women of Costa Rica more satisfying.

Just before I found out my friend was leaving for Costa Rica, I ran across a web site by a man who specializes in introducing American men to Eastern European women. His reasons for hosting the site are similar to my friend’s reasons for moving to Costa Rica. This man married an Eastern European woman a few years ago after discovering that they are beautiful and submissive. At least that is his experience of them. He believes they know how to take care of their men and homes in ways that Northern American women no longer know how to do.

Do Better Women Exist In Other Countries?

I don’t know what it’s like in your world between men and women, but I do know what it is like in mine. At the risk of coming across as arrogant, I thought I would write about what it is like in my world because I think Joseph and I have created something others can also create with the results being romantic relationship satisfaction. You see, Joseph is seventeen years my senior. He comes from a generation where women were expected to be homemakers, mothers, and submissive. However, 1) he doesn’t expect that of me and 2) I bring some of that to the relationship in addition to being a career woman.

I’ve heard it said that a woman can have it all, she just can’t have it all at the same time. A woman cannot be a stay-at-home-mom and a career woman (unless that career happens online or some other way from her home). She can have a career some of the years of her life and be a stay-at-home-mom other years of her life. A woman can be married, have a career and/or motherhood, and have a great sex life! However, having that great sex life, while balancing all the rest, takes proactive action plans and having the attitude that she is desirable. Those action plans and attitude take time and energy that have to come from somewhere, which means something goes without her attention. That something might be housework or yard work.

A man can have it all: a career, loyal friends, a beautiful wife who also has a career, children, and a sex life with that beautiful wife that rocks as long as he realizes that having it all may very well mean pitching in around the house and in his children’s lives in ways his own father never did. These days, having enough money to support our lives requires that both spouses work. Between technological advances and this information age we live in, both spouses need and deserve to have jobs and creative pursuits that satisfy them.

My house will never, ever look like something out of the “Southern Homes & Living” magazine! Even if I tried, I couldn’t make it happen even for a single day. But my home is important to me. I make it cozy and warm. Joseph appreciates this. The coziness and warmth make him feel welcome.

What A Real Relationship Is All About

When we work together, whether it is at a couple’s retreat, on our internet radio show, giving a presentation, in our writing, or relationship coaching; we work as equals. We know our own and each other’s strengths and weaknesses. We know how to complement each other’s strengths and weaknesses in order to produce the best results possible. Working in tandem is fun and juicy because we are free to appreciate the best in each other and support each other through the moderate and worst parts!

In our intimacy, whether that is date night, playfully teasing each other, sharing our day, or making love, I bring my respect for him as a man of action to the table (or bed) and he brings his respect for my feelings to the table (or bed). In other words, there are times each and every day for me to relax into my role as the receptive feminine woman and him to stand in his role as the active masculine man.

When we get crossways, we do not abuse each other. Nor do we abuse the privilege of knowing each other so well. When there is roughness between us, as soon as we are able, we each take responsibility for the situation and work our way back to connectedness.

All these things take effort from both of us. All these things and the effort they take are why the laundry piles up, the house and yard are not perfect, and our pets run us more than other pet owners would allow! But we get to have each other, cherishing and honoring each other in our love, passion, and friendship with one another.

There is an awesome quote by Brian Tracy that has to do with business relationships but might just as well have to do with romantic ones. It goes like this, “The fastest way to improve your relationships is to make others feel important in every way possible.”

Good relationships take work. But if you are willing to determine where in your life you can make sacrifices that are really not such a big deal, you can find the time and energy to be and do what it takes to remember you each think the other hung the moon, and find new ways of letting him or her know just how much you appreciate them for that!

What Happens When Women Gossip About Their Men!

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Sat, 28 Feb 2009 19:06:41 +0000

I cannot speak for what happens when men gossip about women. But when it comes to women gossiping about men, I have some experience on that one and have an insight to share that could make a difference in your personal happiness within your romantic relationship – even (or especially) if the romance seems to be waning!

What Gossip Really Does

When women gossip about their men, an energetic field of toxicity is created that, unless an intervention takes place, grows and expands with the ability to infect the romantic relationship of every woman participating in the conversation, even if they are only listening. Even when I overhear other women “bitching” about their men, or read it in print, if no one raises the bar on the level of conversation being had, I walk away irritated with any man who crosses my path!

Certainly, I can take responsibility for raising the bar. As a relationship coach, if I am in on the conversation, I demand of myself that I raise the bar. I raise the bar by inviting the women involved to take responsibility for what they are creating with their men. If I am the one processing my guy with my girlfriend, I do two things. First of all, I am clear about the period of time in which I am processing my feelings. During that time, the bar may be set pretty low as I am reacting to something said or done to me for which I feel like the victim. However, at some point I move into the second thing which is I take responsibility for having created it.

Processing Your Feelings

In addition, I only process my feelings about my guy with one or two close friends who take the same level of responsibility for creating their reality as I do mine. With other women friends, I monitor what I share because I respect the differences in our maturity levels. If I cannot trust a woman to be able to make the transition with me from victim mindset to taking responsibility for creating whatever it is I’m processing, I will not go there with her.

By now, you may have asked yourself why I equate “bitching” with gossiping. It is because whenever we are “bitching” about anything, we are stuck in the position of victim, making the other person totally at fault. It affects our perception and the things we choose to relate about the other person, things not necessarily true or fair. To the degree that the truth is not being shared, we give a representation meant to manipulate the hearer to our point of view, which means we are gossiping.

And therein lays the nugget of what I am talking about! To what extent do you or the women you know complain and rag on their men, putting themselves or each other in the role of victim, refusing to give it up and raise themselves to a more mature and responsible level? How many of your girlfriends do you trust to hang onto you as a friend if you dare suggest that the role of victim might be a role they should release?

Are You Making Yourself A Victim?….

I’m not talking about real victims here – victims of abuse and neglect. I’m talking about being the “victim” of his long working hours, his preoccupation with the sport of his choice, how he insists on relating to the children in his own way, how his belches are no longer cute, how the things you used to love about him now drive you nuts, etc.

For us females, let me make this announcement: men are different when they are courting us. They are more like us when they are courting us. They stop being like us once they have won us. This isn’t an insult. It is simply a reality. The happiest women in marriages and romantic relationships appreciate the differences between men and women and don’t waste time and energy gossiping or bitching about their men.

If you follow the Law of Attraction and draw the conclusion that we create our own reality; then, as a gender, we women have created a world where men are very different from us. Whether or not they are annoyingly different or deliciously different (as long as you are NOT being abused) is just a perception. And you have control over your own perceptions of your world – including how your fellow shows up in it!

The Truth About What Makes Men So Alluring

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 13:03:05 +0000

Peter Roth, President of Warner Brothers Television, who is proud of their hit and hot television series “The Mentalist” had this to say about the lead character played by the handsome Aussie actor, Simon Baker, “I think there is perhaps nothing more attractive to women than a man who is able to listen and to quietly deduce the truth,” Roth says. He is absolutely right. Whenever my husband listens to me and, in our dialogue, reveals that he heard and saw me more clearly than I did, I fall more deeply in love with him. Frankly, it is a huge turn on!

What Is It About Them?

Gerard Butler has this talent on the big screen. What is most alluring about Gerard is his ability to look his leading lady in the eyes, stare deeply into her eyes, listen, and come away from the moment knowing, understanding, and loving her better. Whether it is as King Leonidas in the testosterone filled “300” or as Gerry in the ladies’ choice “PS I Love You,” he does this amazing listening thing with every leading lady. She gets his full attention with lots of direct eye contact! While it sets up incredible expectations for men in relationships, he is the perfect “chick flick” actor because of this quality!

Of course, on television and in the movies, stories that take place over a period of days, months, even years are condensed to fill one or two hours. Being that attentive in real life for one or two hours is asking a lot! One of the reasons for the therapist’s 50-minute hour is because even professionally trained listeners can only attentively listen for just so long! The idea that a woman could expect a man to be perfectly attentive at a moment’s notice, a good listener any time of day or night, and always appreciating her is pure fantasy. However, taking some time to experiment with your listening skills and how you report back what you have heard could prove to have a nice pay off.

Being Seen And Heard

Everyone loves to feel seen and heard. It makes us feel valued and loved. As such, Gerard and Simon can teach women the same thing about love. Listening deeply to your man can be a big turn on. However, I believe there is one significant difference between best listening skills for men and women. While a woman loves it when her man deeply listens to her, discovering truths about her, and gently reporting those, it may be true that men prefer deep listening without a lot of feedback.

Deep listening requires two senses, hearing and sight. As you listen to the words that are said, you also pay attention to the body language on display. Chances are we can all think of conversations that turned into heated arguments when his or her words gave permission to speak while body language clearly said leave it alone.

Really Listening….

How to Reignite Your Love When It Feels Like The Fire Is Dying

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 19:00:42 +0000

The other night I watched Keith Urban’s video “Sweet Thing” about falling in love. It got me to thinking about that sweet, potent time when love is new. Here are some of the lyrics:

When I picked you up for our first date baby
Well, your pretty blue eyes, they were drivin’ me crazy
And the tiny little thought that was so amazing
Is they were lookin at me.
I held open the car door for you then you climbed
Inside and slid on over
To the other side.. I thought my, oh my..
Sweet thing
The moon is high and the night is young
Come on and meet me
In the backyard under the cottonwood tree
It’s a good thing and I’m wishin
C’mon sweet thing
Won’t you climb on out of your window
While the world is sleepin
Cause you know I need you
And there’s no way I’ll be leavin
Til we’re kissing on the porch swing
Oh my little sweet thing

Is Your Love Fading?

Whenever it seems like the fire of your love is fading, one of the quickest ways to fan the flames is to think, do, and be the way you were when you fell in love. Following are some reminders of how you were together back then.

When you fell in love, you looked at each other in the eyes with compassion, kindness, appreciation, and adoration. How long has it been since this was the usual way you looked at him or you gazed at her?

When you touched each other back then, you really felt it. Touching each other penetrated your skin, coursing through your muscles to your very bones. You felt it through and through because you craved this person’s touch. How long has it been since you were fully present while giving and receiving touch with your lover?

The first time you saw his chest hair, it sent a shiver through your body. The first time you touched her breast, it lit you up like a roman candle! You did not take this person’s body for granted but were mystified by its treasures. How long has it been since the sight of any part of his or her body filled your imagination with awe?

How To Bring It Back

Take a minute or two or twenty or more, go back in time, and remember the appreciation, adoration, compassion, and kindness. Feel the smile play on your lips at the memory. Then turn your attention to him or her and revisit those heart felt days. Fan the flame of your love with the kind of presence you brought to the relationship when it was new and reap the rewards!

If it has been years since you related to each other this way, you may need to get into the habit of this level of being present on a regular basis before the rewards really roll in. Lack of appreciation and attention, the fires of your love fading, can result in resentment and hard feelings. Suddenly becoming interested and amorous can feel false and pretentious. But revisiting that space, allowing it to open your heart and letting it work its magic bit by bit will make a difference over time.

If it hasn’t been that long since you related to each other this way, develop a “discipline” of returning to that potent time of falling in love as a booster shot for your love. It will be the most fun work you will ever put into your relationship!

Be Careful Your Independence Doesn’t Destroy Your Relationship

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 13:01:50 +0000

Andrea and Scott had been seeing each other exclusively for about four months. Andrea was ready to take the relationship to the next level. She wanted to live with Scott but neither of them had enough room in their respective apartments for the other to move in.

Andrea tried to lure the let’s-move-in-together conversation out of Scott to no avail. However, she had gotten him to share with her his dreams of the perfect house and then she went out looking for it!

Finding it, she rented it. Confident that making this house available to the two of them would turn the tide in her favor, Andrea could not wait to tell Scott her good news. The next time she saw him, she made her announcement.

“Scott, wait till you hear, I’ve rented a house! It is wonderful! It has three bedrooms and two baths. It has a charming little patio out back with room for a grill. The appliances are all brand new! Do you want to move in with me? It is exactly the kind of house we’ve talked about. I can have an office, you can have a workout room, and we can each have a bathroom if we want it that way! Um…Scott…what’s wrong?”

Scott quit making eye contact with Andrea. Feeling extremely uncomfortable, he knew that telling her he did not want to move in with her would mean risking a “relationship” conversation, where he would invariably find out his feelings about not wanting to take this step meant he had disappointed her.

He had never encouraged her in this way. He resented finding himself cornered and knew better than to agree to something he did not want at this time.

Finally, he said, “I’m happy for you with your new home. I can help you move, if you like.”

Andrea’s heart sank and her face fell, revealing all her disappointment and embarrassment. She felt rejected and feared the relationship was over.

This scenario and others like it seem to be the norm for romantic relationships these days. When I was growing up in the 1970’s, grade-school girls did not call boys. Boys called girls. If you wanted to hear from your favorite guy, you had to send the right signals while you were at school together and hope for the best.

Girls Chasing Boys is the Norm

Girls who called boys got reputations. By today’s standards that must seem naïve and innocent! These days, girls chasing boys is no big deal. Nevertheless, maybe it ought to be.

In the past thirty-five years, we have raised more daddy’s girls than ever before! We want our young women to be independent, action-oriented, and successful. We want them to be able to take care of themselves because in this uncertain world more women are taking care of not only themselves but also their children and their parents on their own.

Daddy’s girls traditionally have the moxie and personal power to make it in a man’s world. In addition, fathers do not have to be present for daddy’s girls to be created. Out of longing for or even out of resentment of a missing father, a little girl can be so bound to him that she cannot help but grow up her father’s daughter.

If You’re Not Careful, Independence Can Ruin a Relationship….

Another Argument – Here’s What You Can Learn From It

Laurie Weiss — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 19:01:32 +0000

It’s amazing how often conversations between people who truly love each other get totally confused. Most of the couples I work with are in this predicament, regardless of what else is going on.

Sometimes they wait a long time to come for counseling, because one or both of them is scared about what’s going to happen in that mysterious place, the counselor’s office. You may even be wondering about what actually happens in a counselor’s office yourself.

This couple gave me permission to report on their conversations with me. He is a respected professional, and she has been a stay-at-home mom until recently when she took a part-time job. They have two children, a teenager and a nine-year-old.

Good relationships are built and rebuilt one conversation at a time. This is one of the many conversations we’ve had, rebuilding their relationship after they came close to ending it.

The Conversation….

Have You Lost That Lovin’ Feeling? How To Get It Back!

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 01:00:57 +0000

“Wait, before we take another breath, before we’ve lived another moment of our lives, and now is fast becoming then. Wait, before you take your lips from mine, how quickly where we are is where we’ve been and give is given.”

~ Alan & Marilyn Bergman

Remember That Falling In Love Feeling?

Do you remember what it felt like when you fell in love for the very first time with someone who loved you back? Every word, every glance, and every touch filled the air between the two of you with such meaning.

Little confessions and secrets shared made you feel naked and vulnerable long before any clothes came off! There was no frame of reference for the experience of falling in love for the very first time! It meant every moment together was infused with the raw energy of newness and loss of innocence. It was intoxicating!

Innocence lost is never recovered. We measure every subsequent relationship by the relationships that came before it. You watch his or her behavior and choices as closely as you watch your own; looking for clues and hoping this time, it will be different. Maybe this time it will last. If you aren’t careful, the fear of repeating the past becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Heighten the Chemistry

In your current relationship, though, there is a way to heighten the chemistry between you; making this love, which has never been experienced or expressed before, full of meaning, purpose, and delight. Begin by turning off the multi-tasking and teach yourself to be present in the present moment.

Many things demand our attention, taking us out of the present moment. There is the ever-lengthening “To Do” list. There are deadlines at work, school, and at home. There are relationship issues with any number of people in our lives.

There are health issues tied to food, sleep, rest, and medications. There is study that needs to happen, entertainment, and fun too. There are so many demands on individuals and couples today that multi-tasking is as essential to living as anything we learned in school!

How do you slow down and be present with your romantic partner when there are so many demands on your time and attention? By making the commitment to choose, on a regular basis, to stop thinking, turn your attention to him or her, and then listen and feel where he or she is coming from.

Being Present….

In Love With A Mama’s Boy? How To Make It Work

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 19:13:38 +0000

Mama’s boys get a bad rap. Did you know, though, whenever you find a mama’s boy in a romantic relationship, you find a daddy’s girl as his partner?

These two can make their passionate love work in spite of the odds!

The picture of the traditional mama’s boy isn’t pretty! Imagine a soft male without much backbone who still answers to his mama whether he is twenty, thirty, or even older and there is the picture we find distasteful.

Real Life Mama’s Boys

That is the caricature. In real life, mama’s boys come in all shapes and sizes! A man who is charming and suave can turn out to be a mama’s boy. One who is domineering, bullying, and macho can also be a mama’s boy.

Another who is confident and a little on the dismissive side can be a mama’s boy. How does a woman know if her man is a mama’s boy or not? She knows by how he makes her feel, particularly once they move out of the courting phase and into a level of commitment.

Where He Gets His Power

Beginning with his mother, a mama’s boy believes he gets his power from the women in his life. He either pushes against or pulls on them to get a sense of his own power and worth. A woman can recognize the feeling of either being pulled on or pushed against. It doesn’t feel good.

When children are born, the parent whose sphere of influence they first occupy is that of their mother. Both little girls and little boys venture out into the sphere of influence of their fathers as time goes on.

How a Mama’s Boy Gets to be a Mama’s Boy

There is one thing that creates a mama’s boy. If in his early teen years, he did not receive an invitation to enter fully into his father’s sphere of influence; or,if that invitation was thwarted and he remains in the sphere of influence of his mother, then he will be a mama’s boy.

The invitation to the father’s masculine sphere of influence is lacking when a father is physically or emotionally absent or if he isn’t strong enough to compete with the mother’s sphere of influence.

When a man doesn’t get to enter fully into the sphere of influence of his father (also known as the masculine sphere), he doesn’t learn how to ground himself in his own masculinity, deriving his power and potency from that place.

Instead, he grows up believing that the women in his life, beginning with his mother, hold the key to his masculinity, his power, and his potency.

Daddy’s Girls Are Similar….

What Stories Are You Telling Yourself About Your Partner?

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 19:17:46 +0000

A habit anyone can fall into that causes relationship stress is believing the stories we make up about our romantic partners.

People can get tied up in knots inside because they believe the person they love the most is untrustworthy, controlling, dismissive, bossy, or any number of other things that have less to do with their partner’s reality than with their perception of the partner.

If we share those made up stories with our friends, we can get some serious confirmation that the relationship is about to fail! However, that confirmation is based on fantasy, not reality!

Stories Turned Into Fantasy

The stories we make up about our romantic partners may begin with a modicum of truth. However, as give meaning to the stories, we hurt the relationship and ourselves unnecessarily. Here are some examples of stories turned into fantasies.

“He still cares for his ex. They have children together. I can never compete with her.”

With this story, every time he feels he has to make a choice between you and the children, you can interpret this normal circumstance that shows up in blended families to mean he still loves his ex and would rather be with her so why doesn’t he just go do it!

Next thing you know, your blood pressure rises and you are feeling anger and jealousy that are more than the situation calls for!

“She flirts with my friends. I wonder if she will cheat on me. Maybe she is cheating on me. I don’t like the way she looks at Tim or the way he looks at her. She wouldn’t cheat on me, would she? But, damn, she’s a flirt!”

Here, you tune your antennae to every move she makes, waiting for her to break your heart. The distrust that builds up is a sabotaging energy that is more likely to make it happen than her flirtatious personality.

“He/she hates it when I …fill in the blank.” Does she really hate it? Does he? It is easy to project onto other people either the things we do not like about ourselves or the things that we have been told are our defects. Maybe the noise you make when you chew your food doesn’t bother her.

However, if you shrink up and apologize every time you become self-conscious about it because your last girl friend hated it, you have repeated moments of you appearing insecure to the woman you want to impress the most.

“He fantasizes about other women when he’s making love to me.” This one is a relationship killer! Unless he has been rude and actually told you he fantasizes about somebody else, let this one go.

This is something insecure or inexperienced lovers latch onto in order to stroke their insecurity. That kind of insecurity will look for ways and means to sabotage the relationship. Why?

Perhaps so they can feel as though they are at least in control of how the relationship ends. Maybe their self-esteem is so low that they cannot help but create challenges to their self-esteem rather than learn to grow healthier self-esteem.