Ask Dan and Jennifer » relationship

Is It a Relationship Rut…Or About Time You Give Up?

Andrew Wang — Sun, 21 Mar 2010 21:00:08 +0000

All relationships ebb and flow, regardless of their longevity or level of commitment. The relationships change over time because the people within those relationships are changing. Sometimes those ebbs can be particularly treacherous, though, threatening to dissolve years of a couple’s hard work. When unhappiness rears itself—whether it is because of loneliness, external stress, or one of the million reasons a couple drifts apart—it can be very difficult to decide whether the relationship is temporarily out of service…or bound for the junk yard.

Digging Deeper

The first thing to figure out is what are you unhappy about? This is very important for one reason: is it directly related to your spouse? If it is work stress or a sudden death in the family, chances are it has nothing to do with your relationship. Rather, your spouse has become a scapegoat for your frustrations. However, if it is because of something your partner is doing (or not doing), that may be different. Is it your partner’s decreased sex drive? Is he or she not showing enough affection anymore?

Next, how long has this been happening? Are you on Day Three or Year Three of feeling like your marriage is doomed? While there is no definitive length of time within which you can consider your relationship to be in a rut, you may want to give it at least a couple months. Within that time, circumstances can drastically change, behaviors can adapt, and a looming problem can be resolved. However, this does not mean you should stick your head in the sand during this time. By all means, work on these problems as they crop up…but don’t consider your relationship null and void after a bad couple of weeks.

Can You Work It Out?

Third, is there a light at the end of the tunnel? Is there anything present which gives you hope for the future? Maybe it is an unexpected, passionate kiss in the kitchen while cooking dinner. Maybe it is the admission that he or she was thinking about you all day. While these gestures are small, they can give just enough hope to the desperate partner to keep trying.

Next, is your partner willing to work on these issues, as well? You can read all the self-help books in the world, apply the techniques created by experts, plan extravagant dates to sweep your spouse off his or her feet; but if that person is not reciprocating or even trying, your efforts are in vain. It takes two people keep a relationship going. While the amount of effort may change over time, there must be at least a little exertion coming from each spouse.

Saying Goodbye

Finally, think about your life without this person. Would you be happier without this person in your life? This is the most telling sign of whether your bad relationship has reached its expiration date. Even in the gloomiest lulls or the most volatile arguments, a person can still think objectively: “My partner may frustrate the bejeezus out of me, but I still want him/her in my life.” If you think of a life without your spouse and all you feel is relief or hope, however, it is time to call it quits.

When A Woman Tries To Control, Rescue, Or Fix Her Man

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 21:00:54 +0000

Every once in awhile I get to experience what it’s like for a man when a woman tries to control, rescue, or fix him. Every time it happens, I get a hint of how humiliating it is for men to have women mother them in this way.

Did you know that women do to other women what they do to men? They try to control, rescue, and fix their friends. I don’t know how other women react to it but I don’t like it. I have a mother. She’s the perfect mother for me and I don’t need another woman attempting to fill that role. Gentlemen, does this sound familiar?

Depending on which woman friend in my life attempts to control, rescue, or fix me determines the degree to which I feel humiliated by her efforts. Some friends are so endearing in their approach that I can’t resist them. To be perfectly honest, when I get in the same mothering mode, I try to be as endearing as possible! I admit it is sheer manipulation meant to make me feel better about interfering in my friends’ (or my husband’s) lives. Yet I can fall for the manipulation when it’s delivered in a sweet and loving way.

Manipulation vs. Sheer Will

Today, I felt manipulated in a way that irritated me. A friend interrupted my attempts to clean up after a social event. I thought I was done clearing away trash and had washed my hands. She had more to add to the garbage bag. Because I mentioned I’d washed my hands, she tried to take the task away from me whereas I’d resigned myself to complete the task and just wash my hands again. She argued with me and tried to physically take over. I wouldn’t let her and as I was finally finishing up, she shoved one of those hand gels in front of my face to rescue me from having to rewash my hands! I chuckled and said, “No thank you. I’d just as soon wash them again.” She sort of stormed away at that point.

Why didn’t I just let her take over? Because I took pride in the task and wanted to take care of it myself. With each attempt on her part to rescue me, I felt increasingly manipulated and patronized. If you are a woman reading this article, you might not be able to empathize. But if you are a man reading this article, I bet you understand. It feels awful to have a woman try to mother you by attempting to control, rescue, or fix you. When you are handling any situation, you don’t need rescuing. And if you need help, you will ask for it!

So, to help my female readers gain some empathy with a man on this issue, let me put it another way. Chances are you have someone in your life that makes you feel patronized every time she belittles your efforts, tries to rescue you as though you are a child, or attempts to make you better by making you over in her image. If you will bring that person to mind and remember what it feels like to be treated thus, I guarantee you can empathize with your man when he resents your attempts to make him better – or make him over.

When Women Manipulate Men

For my gentleman readers, if you have a lady in your life who tries to control, rescue, or fix you; pay attention the next time she complains about the manipulative woman in her life. Then the next day (not in the same conversation), gently and lovingly say, “Would you like for me to confide in you something that is very tender for me? Something that makes me feel vulnerable with you? Sometimes you want me to open up. I have something to share but I need you to really listen to me. Are you ready?”

She’ll look at you with big, puppy dog eyes ready to lap up this self-disclosure. Depending on her personality, you may have to add, “Now, this may strike you as offensive but if you’ll stay with me, I think we can help each other and improve our relationship. Would you like to try?”

“YES!” she replies.

Then in your own words and as gently as possible tell her that the way she feels when her friend patronizes her is how you feel when she tries to ________ fill in the blank______.

When He Opens Up

If you are gentle and loving and if her heart is in the relationship, she ought to be able to hear you. Tempers might flare a little bit. But if you stay with wanting to let her know how you feel rather than make her wrong, you will go far with this. You can even say, “Listen, this is a problem all men have. It takes even less manipulation for us to feel the way you feel when your most manipulative friend does her number on you. I’m just laying it all out here. Because the more you trust me to be the man, to take care of things in my own way, the happier you will be because there will be less tension.”

I have one more piece of advice. If your woman is the kind who takes advantage of your opening up in order to dig really deep inside you, don’t let her. Assure her that this piece is huge. It’s enormous! If she will absorb the information and integrate it over the next several days, she will see how very much she has been given with this one self-revealing topic.

Ladies, if you can respect how meaningful this is and not require him to go deeper or share more, you’ll reap big benefits. In addition, within about twenty-four hours, you’ll have your new understanding tested as something happens and you find yourself itching to control, rescue, or fix him. The real work begins when you choose to not go there!

Q&A: What’s The Best Age For Your First Committed Relationship? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 21:00:42 +0000

Having a committed relationship can be challenging, and having a committed relationship over a long distance can be even more difficult. What is the best age for a committed relationship, especially for one over a long distance? Can long distance relationships really work? Here’s how you can give your relationship the best shot at success.

Question: I have a question on long distance relationships. I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for about 2 years now and we’ve been in a long distance relationship for about 6 months now. I live in Belgium and she lives in Canada. I’m 18 and she’s 16. What is your opinion on long distance relationships? Do you think we’re too young to have a committed relationship?

–YouTube Viewer

Click here to view the embedded video.

Too Young?

There really isn’t a “set age” for how old you have to be to be in a committed relationship. However, many teens are committing themselves to relationships with their partners before they’re even ready and this can often end in heartbreak. A person’s body – both mentally and physically – really isn’t ready to have a healthy, committed and happy relationship until at least the age of 26 and maybe even 27 or 28. Mentally and emotionally, we’re still growing before then. We’re still trying to figure out who we are and learning how to live in our own skin comfortably, and that can be difficult enough without adding another person to the equation. Getting into a committed relationship before you’re really ready – and have truly accepted yourself and grown into who you are as a person – can seem fine at first but can quickly turn disastrous. While some young people do have successful committed relationships, it is often not without struggle. Before you make a real committment to another person – long distance or not – make sure you’re really ready and don’t take the decision lightly.

Long Distance Relationships

Many people make long distance relationships work, but the most successful of these types of relationships are between two people have made plans to make the long distance part of the relationship a temporary one. Having an indefinite long distance relationship can be extremely difficult, and often doesn’t end well. If you haven’t already, consider making plans – even if that requires one or both of you to make some changes – to be together sometime in the not too distant future. The biggest hurdle you are going to face during a long distance relationship is not having any personal contact with your partner. Even a hug or a kiss makes a big difference in a relationship and goes a long way in making both you and your partner feel loved and valued. To make your long distance relationship work, make sure you and your partner are completely honest with each other. Having open and honest communication with your partner daily or as often as you can is the best way to try and keep your relationship afloat. Any dishonesty or a let down in communication will easily break the threads of the relationship, much more easily than if you and your partner were in a face to face relationship.

Fighting Fair Is Necessary For Fidelity, Passion And Health

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Sat, 13 Feb 2010 19:00:54 +0000

On the heels of the news this weekend that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt will allegedly be separating, I wanted to take the opportunity to encourage people to learn how to fight fair. Fighting in a relationship is not in itself a bad thing – in fact it’s usually necessary for a relationship to survive. A relationship without passion enough to launch arguments likely won’t last for the long haul. However, arguing in the wrong way can also drive a relationship into the ground. I talk about the dialogue necessary to fight fair in my book Make Up Don’t Breakup (which will be re-released in March with new chapters).

Additionally, Brad and Angelina are definitely in a unique situation, but also share some common denominators that many of us have experienced. Angelina is likely looking for a new adventure as a response to her feelings of separation and loss she may still be dealing with due to her mother passing away. She’s experiencing what I call a Biochemical Craving for Connection. This can be momentarily assuaged by engaging in thrill-seeking behavior such as requesting and open relationship, traveling, working, or engaging in an affair (among many other things) but it only leads to a more pronounced cycle of stress, separation and loss when each “adventure” winds down and the person is left with the original feelings.

Have A Heart To Heart Talk With Your Partner

I encourage having a weekly ten minute heart-to-heart with a figurative emotional “bullet proof vest” to protect from hurt, anger and defensiveness, as you listen and echo back what you heard. It is essential to walk in your partner’s shoes rather than trying to be right. Instead of shame and blame you should give three solutions, and your partner has to pick at least one. Arguing fairly creates the tension that gives you passion and makes you feel safe. Here are a few other pointers:

Ask permission – you want the other person to be engaged in the conversation, so make sure it’s a good time for them, too. You should make an “appointment” for a specific time to make sure that the issue will be handled.
Put time limits on the “fight” – it’s OK to walk away and come back later as long as it’s mutual and done with respect. Everyone has different thresholds for what they can tolerate during an argument.
Use “I” sentences – don’t blame or criticize.
Echo what you hear and validate your partner’s feelings – truly listen to the other person and let them hear you repeat their thoughts and concerns back to them. This assures them that you ARE paying attention and not just continuing with your “agenda.”
Detach from your emotions – try not to let your responses be emotional, but rather focus on the facts and the truth.
After a fair and productive fight, remember things that each person needs to work on, and commit to trying to change the behaviors that may have created.

Q&A: Will It Be Me Or Her Ex? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 21:00:12 +0000

Choosing between two good things is not the easiest thing to do, whether you’re deciding on what dessert to get or which guy you want to be with. However, if you’re one of the good things that a girl is choosing between, it can make for a pretty uncomfortable situation. Is she going to choose you or someone else? What should you do?

Question: I courted a girl 4 months ago and want her to be my girlfriend, but she still loves her ex-boyfriend. but she just told me that she has feelings for me. What should I do?

–Facebook Question

Click here to view the embedded video.

The Decision Is Up To Her

Like it or not, she is the one who will have to make the decision in this situation. Does she want to work things out with her ex-boyfriend (and this depends on the reason he’s her ex and not her current beau) or does she want to try having a brand new relationship with you? Unfortunately, there’s really nothing you can do to influence her decision except being supportive of her. Encourage her to sit down and really think about what she wants. This may be uncomfortable for you to do, but if you don’t support her thinking through this decision and she chooses you, you’ll forever wonder if she’s wishing she would have chosen him. She has to be sure.

Don’t Let Her Play Both Sides

A choice between two men she has feelings for is difficult, and many women in this situation have simply neglected to make a final decision. They end up riding the fence and being wishy washy – a way of getting their cake and eating it too. While you need to support her making a decision, allowing her to play both sides is only going to cause everyone involved pain and emotional damage. She needs to make a concrete decision and stick with it once she’s decided. If she chooses you, she needs to discontinue having contact with her ex-boyfriend. If she chooses him, do the right thing. Don’t call, don’t text and let her go.

Don’t Put Her On A Pedestal

When a guy finds a girl he really likes, it’s tempting to put her on a pedestal. It’s tempting to believe that she’s special, she’s different and she’s THE ONE. Even if she chooses another man over him, he’ll still try to contact her and be in her life in some form or another hoping against hope that she’ll eventually see they were meant to be together. This is only going to prevent you from finding someone who does want to be with you and try having a great relationship! If she chooses her ex-boyfriend, realize that she’s not the only fish in the sea. Sure, it’s going to sting. Allow yourself to feel disappointed, sad and even angry. These feelings are all normal. But at the end of the day, she’s not perfect – she’s human. There are lots of other great catches out there, ones that you may very well develop fulfilling and satisfying relationships with and who do choose to be with you.

Are You In A Relationship With A Boy, A Guy Or A Man?

Maryanne Comaroto — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 17:00:07 +0000

A fulfilling physical relationship can be amazing. The sex may be great, you may have a high level of physical compatibility, and every time you’re together it reminds you what a great couple you are. But what about beyond that? What would happen if, despite using protection, you suddenly became pregnant? Just because your partner is good in bed doesn’t mean he’ll automatically be good as a dad.

Instead of crossing your fingers and hoping that a journey of nine months will culminate in a wedding or at least a commitment, don’t you think it would be a better idea to find out now, before it’s too late, what kind of man he is and what you and your child would have to look forward to with him? It’s important to know if you’re with a man who understands the potential surprise consequences of sex, and feels an equal and unconditional responsibility no matter what the outcome.

In other words, it’s important to learn whether you have a boy, a guy, or a man.

A Boy

Boy sees girl, and the first thought in his head is what she would look like naked.

The girl introduces herself, and the boy immediately thinks that she wants him.

The girl gives the boy her phone number, and he’s starting to think that getting laid is a real possibility.

The girl agrees to a date, and the boy decides to bring a condom.

The girl allows a kiss, and the boy pushes it to second base.

The girl gives up and allows the touching, and the boy pushes on until he gets sex.

Sooner or later the girl wants a commitment, and which point the boy starts shopping for other girls.

This sort of story happens most often among teenagers, before either party has recognized their self-worth. Sometimes, however, the adult version of this scenario can have a lot of similarities.

A Guy

Guy sees gal, and immediately ponders what she would look like naked.

The gal smiles at him, and he knows she’s wanting him.

The gal says she’ll call the guy, but just to be safe he gives her his office voicemail.

The gal sets up a date, and the guy suggests early drinks on a Tuesday, just in case he needs to bail.

The gal pictures their future children, while the guy just hopes she doesn’t talk through the whole date.

The gal initiates sex, and the guy rehearses his story so he can get out of there as soon as possible.

The gal calls the guy constantly, while he thinks, I knew I should have bailed.

The gal writes him off as a typical male pig, while he wonders if she’d be game for some more sex.

A Man

Man sees woman, and wonders what she’s aiming for in her life.

The woman opens up a little to him, and the man wonders how genuine she is.

The man asks her out, and the woman accepts without hesitation.

The woman tells the man about her dreams and goals, and the man notes how much they have in common.

The woman notices over time that the man’s actions back up his words, he builds respect.

The man opens up to the woman completely, she drops her drawers.

The woman and man are honest with each other, and do their best to enhance each other’s lives!

To be close to someone is one of the most natural desires in the world, and along with that comes the desire to be touched, to be held, and to have sex. We are all on our own paths of growth, and when we start to want to build a relationship, it’s important to remember the differences between boys, guys and men, even if children aren’t involved.

Q&A: How Do I Get Over My Ex? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 21:00:24 +0000

We’ve all been through it before – we’ve been dumped, and it’s been extremely difficult to get over our ex. In fact, it often happens to us more than once throughout our lives. Pining over an ex can wreak havoc on your social life and your love life, and prevent you from accepting new relationships with people who might be more compatible with you than your ex was. So the question is, how do you get over your ex?

Question: Why is it sometimes so hard to not love your ex girlfriend even though she was quite cold and left you because she didn’t love you? My brain says I should not think of her, but my heart says something different. Well, I hope one day I will find a more intelligent woman.

– From The Dan & Jennifer Love & Sex Forums

Click here to view the embedded video.

Living Up To The Expectations

Everyone has an idea of what they feel a good relationship is. Going into a relationship, the expectations are applied and when their partner doesn’t meet those expectations, those loving feelings start to go away. This leads to an inevitable breakup, whether it is a quick and dirty one or a long, drawn out process. When your ex broke up with you, it was because you didn’t meet their expectations of what a good relationship is. You can’t change their ideas of what a good relationship is, so what do you do? You look for someone who has relationship expectations that are similar to your own. Look for someone who has similar life goals, and someone who has expectations that you can easily meet.

Keep The Hope Alive

The hardest thing to get over after a break up is the feeling of rejection. It cuts deep, and we often feel like we’re unworthy of love and unworthy of a great relationship. Don’t let these feelings overtake your life! Recognize that it’s normal to feel rejected when you get dumped, but realize that you and your ex just weren’t compatible as far as relationship expectations go. And more often than not, a break up has nothing to do with you being a bad partner – it has everything to do with unrealistic expectations. So try your best to work through the emotions instead of trying to stop them – because your feelings absolutely deserve to be validated. Allow yourself to feel them, but also allow yourself room to let them go. There is always hope for another relationship – an even better one – down the road.

Learn From The Past

Each relationship that we are in gives us multiple learning opportunities. Failing to use the opportunities you’ve been given to learn from the past will only make you repeat it in the future. You don’t want to go through a situation like that ever again, right? So think about the things you can do in the future to prevent it, like finding a partner with whom you share similar relationship expectations with. Dwelling on the past and the hurt it has often caused will do nothing but get you running around in circles! Let it go and move on to a better and brighter future.

When You Take Care Of Yourself, You Take Care Of Your Relationship

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 00:02:19 +0000

If you have a supportive personality, if you usually put other people before yourself, or if it matters to you that people like you back, this article may seem like a radical piece of advice! For hyper-supportive types, you only know how to feel good about yourself by taking care of others. Let me show you the benefits that your relationship and those you love will receive when you take some time for self-care.

How Self-Care Benefits Your Relationship

Increased self-care leads to more self-love, creating a kinder, more receptive you. Receptivity is important to your relationship whether you are male or female because your lover feels secure with you when he or she trusts that you won’t reject him or her.

Increased self-care and self-love creates a more confident you. Confident people are sexy! Confident people also go to bat more easily for those they care about. That makes you very attractive to your partner and makes them feel good about themselves and about you. For instance, a confident man will go to bat on behalf of his woman if ever she is disrespected by another. A confident woman will go to bat on behalf of her man by affirming him in her conversation with others. Confidence can build trust and grow love.

The more you actively care for yourself, the less needy you are of others. Spouses love this! The less needy you are, the more time and energy your have for the stuff of relationships that creates bonding and deepening of your love! Trust me, a big fight or emotional session brought on out of need strains a relationship. It doesn’t deepen the intimacy! Making love, having adventures, loving conversation, and discovering new places together are just some of the stuff of relationships that creates bonding and greater intimacy.

Increased self-care leads to greater awareness of where others are “at.” As you grow your sensitivity to your own needs, you can become down right psychic about the needs of others. This doesn’t mean you go around rescuing everyone because you can more easily “read” them. It looks more like being able to acknowledge where they are in such a way that they feel seen and heard and can more confidently handle whatever’s going on. Rather than seeing you as a rescuer, they experience you as someone who has their back.

Increased self-care means that you slowly but surely get more comfortable saying “no” to the things, people, and circumstances you really have no business taking on. Supportive types especially are prone to offer support beyond their ability to provide, resulting in resentment and grudges held. One of the most beautifying things a supportive person can do for him or herself is to learn to calmly and peacefully say “no.”

Being able to say “no” also means your “yes” means “yes” and your “no” means “no.” No wishy-washiness. No saying “yes” only to find you’ll come to resent everything and everyone associated with that “yes.” This level of integrity makes others trust you more. And trust is good for relationships.

What Does Self Care Look Like?

It looks like just about anything that brings you pleasure! Some people take the word and apply it to getting caught up with doctors’ appointments or eating right or exercising more. Well, I think all that stuff is about being responsible. For self-care I look at things like bubble baths, favorite foods, petting my dog or cat, enjoying a belly laugh with my husband, the way the air smells after a big snowfall, the way the rain sounds when its drops are big and fat, taking time out for me, a good book. Self-care also means going through life slowly and sensitively enough to recognize when I’m hurting or “off” so that I can stop and address my need.

Do you see? It’s just taking the time for the stuff that brings me pleasure and paying attention to my needs the way I would anyone else’s. It’s simple but it’s hard to do when I’m putting everyone and everything else first. And when I don’t do it, my relationships suffer because I feel taxed and resentful.

I don’t know if I’ve persuaded you but if you even take a few moments out of each day to slow down, breathe deeply, and be present with something – the food you’re eating or the way the air smells at whatever season it is or the touch of someone’s hand in yours – and take in the sensual and emotional pleasure of being present just because you’re worth it, you will find that your eyes twinkle just a little bit more at the sight of your beloved. That twinkle can warm the cockles of their heart (whatever “cockles” are!). That twinkle in your eye and the warmth in their heart can fan the flames of your love and attraction for each other.

You, your relationship, and the person you love best of all are worth you taking care of you!

5 Things To Do When You’re Lonely But Not Ready For A Relationship – Part 1

Maryanne Comaroto — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 21:49:23 +0000

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you were lonely enough, longed SO MUCH to be loved and cared for, that you did something stupid. Looking back, do you think it’s probably because you weren’t ready for a relationship, so you weren’t selective about who you decided to enter into one with? Here’s a story for ya – and some tips to make sure you don’t find yourself in the same situation!

I once knew a woman who gave a guy she was seeing – someone she hadn’t known long and knew to be a criminal – all of her life savings. Then, he fell off the face of the earth. When she began to try to figure out where he ways, she learned that he had died in an automobile accident. Not only that – he had left behind a young widow and three small children. Yikes!

It’s Normal To Feel Lonely

For some of us, being internally referenced or taking responsibility for all you experience is a foreign concept. I know it was for me. I, like so many of us, believed that my circumstances were designed or slated by some dark fate, bad luck or perhaps my difficult childhood.

While you’re busy trying to sort out who really did what, whose responsibility your life actually is, and healing your heart, I offer you some “here and now” antidotes to feeling desperately lonely. (So you don’t go and find another relationship just like the last one, or just like our friend’s.)

5 Things To Do When You Feel Desperately Lonely

Feel. I say we gotta feel it to heal it. And if we don’t know what we feel, we don’t know what we need. And I discovered something – if I was gentle, waited and sat with myself long enough, I would begin to feel and heal. I spent many nights (and days) just letting the floodgates loose and seeing what was underneath all my anxiety.
Move. Release what’s inside. Let it out. Oh my, can I just tell you that moving saved my life?! Sometimes I had so much energy, so many feelings welled up in me, that I stood in my kitchen barefoot on the hardwood floor and gyrated around spastically flailing my fists at God and everyone, like James Brown on crack. I screamed and cried and danced and collapsed until I was empty.
Read. Yes, it is not easy to quiet that restless mind, so pick books that are inspirational and that will engage you every time. I always had a stack of self-help books and autobiographies nearby, and still do.
Write. One of my single girlfriends told me she writes herself love letters. One every night, and they get longer and longer. Then when she wakes up she reads them to herself. Whatever you have pinging around up there, put it on paper. Doesn’t matter how you do it. Journal, write letters to God (he/she will answer back). Who knows, maybe you’ve got the next NY Times bestseller in there!! I wrote copious amounts of dark, intensely feeling poetry in words from the 13^th century, channeling my “DNA gone bad” from the past. It was so great to get it out of my body!
Collage. I love to collage, as I am very visual. Pulling pictures out of new magazines (great way to recycle) of people, places, and things that made me feel happy or inspired always worked for me. Sometimes I was surprised at what I learned about myself, what I really liked or longed for.

I’m not simply talking about activities that take up time, but rather, things that will help you discover who YOU are, and put you on a path to where you want to be!

How To Break Up With A Nice Guy

Michael Freeman — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 23:00:39 +0000

It’s easy to leave someone who hasn’t treated you well: You give them a piece of your mind and then say goodbye. But what if you find yourself in a relationship with a “nice guy”? He’s kind, sensitive, not a game-player or emotionally manipulative, but he just doesn’t “do it” for you.

Deciding You Want To Break Up

Perhaps you’ve decided you’re more into “bad boys,” or maybe you’re just bored, but for whatever reason you want to get out of the relationship. Breaking up with a nice guy takes a little more finesse. The traditional advice holds true: A telephone call generally isn’t appropriate (unless it’s long-distance, or other circumstances demand it). An email isn’t any nicer, and a text message is inexcusable. The only nice way is in person.

Arrange a time to see him so that you can tell him how you feel. Once you’re together, it’s best to say what’s on your mind sooner rather than later. You don’t want to have to fake your feelings or pretend that everything is OK. There’s no easy way to let him know. The words you’ll say will depend on the exact reason you want to leave, but let him know that he deserves someone who wants to be with him with all her heart, but right now that person isn’t you.

Break Up How To

This may be difficult for him to hear. On the other hand, he may have felt the same, but because he is a nice guy, he didn’t have the heart to tell you. If you’re really lucky, he’ll be relieved, and you can relax and start on a journey towards “just-friendship.”

Of course, he may be crushed and feel horrible. Tell him how sorry you are to cause him any pain. If he tells you how much he loves you, ask him if he would be happy with someone who didn’t love him equally. The only reasonable answer is “no.” Most nice guys are great, but for others it’s just a mask behind which they can manipulate people. Watch out for emotional manipulation: attempts to elicit pity, accusations of cruelty and selfishness, or other similar behavior. You can cut him some slack because of his pain, but be careful of taking him back out of sympathy.

If you’re overcome with guilt, relax: We all sign up for the possibility of heartbreak when we enter a relationship. You owe him your honesty, compassion and kindness. You don’t owe him another chance, sex, or anything else that you don’t want. Finally, remember to be cautious about pursuing a friendship – give him a proper amount of time to recover (which will vary depending on the length of the relationship). Here’s a good test: If you think he’d feel bad when hearing about your new boyfriend, you shouldn’t be friends.

Blowjob Tip: How To Make Her Want To Give You More Oral Sex (Video)

Daniel Rose, author Sex God Method — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 14:00:36 +0000

Men want blowjobs – it’s a fact of life. Some women enjoy giving blowjobs, but others don’t. What if you’re a guy with a gal who you wish would give you more oral sex? Does she not do it enough? Does she not do it at all? Either way, you wish she would go down on you more. How do you get her to want to give you head?

Most guys just wish there girl would give them more oral sex – call it a blow job, giving head, or going down on him – fact is there are a lot of women out there who just don’t do it. Here are some things that you can do to actually help her enjoy the process so that she’ll want to do it more. Come on… You’ve just got to give a little to get a lot!

Click here to view the embedded video.

Getting Her To Want It

That’s the key statement right there – getting her to want to give you a blowjob. There’s nothing that turns a woman off more than a man who wants to “make” her give him oral sex. Have you pressured your woman into giving you a blowjob? Have you tried to make her do something she doesn’t want to do? We bet you didn’t get very far, did you? The trick is to help her to want to give you oral sex. Pressuring her to do it, or complaining or whining about how you don’t get enough oral sex…well, that’s just not going to get you very far.

Lead By Example

The best way to get your partner to give you good oral sex is to give her good oral sex first! There’s nothing more giving than a satisfied woman, and if you give her the orgasm of her life by going down on her, it’s only natural that she’ll want to return the favor. Read a few female orgasm tips to help you get in the mood to give her oral sex, and try some of the new, fun techniques that she’s never experienced before. She’ll be putty in your hands before too long! After you’ve given her excellent oral sex, relax and let her take the bull by the horns.

Make Blowjobs For You Fun For Her Too

A woman won’t give a blowjob twice if it’s not good for her too. That doesn’t necessarily mean pleasuring her while she’s pleasuring you (although that’s not a bad idea sometimes), but it does mean that you have to make giving you a blowjob less like a chore and more like something fun for her to do to pleasure you. Make sure you’re clean – a sweaty, smelly penis is no fun to go down on. Trim if you’re hairy, or shave if you want to give her a real surprise. The best way to make a blowjob fun for her is to let her know how crazy she’s making you! Give lots of good feedback. Before she gives you a blowjob, make sure to tell her how excited you are that she’s going to do it, and how much it turns you on to think of her giving you head.

While she’s going down on you, give her plenty of verbal and non-verbal feedback, such as groaning, shifting your hips, grabbing her head (if she likes that) and really getting into it. Don’t fake it – she’ll be able to tell. Just let yourself go in a way that you might normally do. After the blowjob, make sure to tell her how good it was for you, how much you love her and how happy she made you. She’ll definitely want to do it again!

Take just a minute to check out ‘The Sex God Method’: “If You Want to Give Women Screaming Orgasms, This Video May Be The Most Important Video You’ll Ever Watch”

Another Argument – Here’s What You Can Learn From It

Laurie Weiss — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 19:01:32 +0000

It’s amazing how often conversations between people who truly love each other get totally confused. Most of the couples I work with are in this predicament, regardless of what else is going on.

Sometimes they wait a long time to come for counseling, because one or both of them is scared about what’s going to happen in that mysterious place, the counselor’s office. You may even be wondering about what actually happens in a counselor’s office yourself.

This couple gave me permission to report on their conversations with me. He is a respected professional, and she has been a stay-at-home mom until recently when she took a part-time job. They have two children, a teenager and a nine-year-old.

Good relationships are built and rebuilt one conversation at a time. This is one of the many conversations we’ve had, rebuilding their relationship after they came close to ending it.

The Conversation….

Do You Have Both Feet in Your Relationship?

Wendy Strgar — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 13:49:29 +0000

Although I don’t remember the exact day that I pulled the one foot that I had out the door back into my marriage, today, celebrating 24 years of marriage, I can’t remember the last time that it occurred to me that I would ever leave.

It seems like I should remember when that change took place as it so profoundly changed the very fabric of what we were doing together, but like most things in life that are daily, we don’t see them as they are happening. They are clear as we look back.

The Not So Fairy Tale Marriage

We never had a fairy tale marriage, and in fact anyone who claims to have one is probably either not really present or honest. Our love for each other was uneven and the common issues of attraction and initiation- who wanted who, first and more, plagued our ability to connect for years.

The classic, “I am not in the mood” or “I am tired” responses create a cycle of defensive and offensive reactions that is almost like a pre-patterned dance. It’s a scenario that many couples just don’t have enough language to find their way out of.

In hindsight, I know now, that there is no winning side to that argument, but whichever side is your familiar view can color your lens so completely that the other side seems like a holiday. The shame of rejection is really no better than the guilt of turning away.

The pain is equal. I have read that the rejecting partner is the more powerful of the two, but having been on both sides, I don’t think its true- both sides make you unable to connect and leave you feeling equally powerless in having the relationship that you really want.

Choosing The Relationship

Two things transpired in my marriage to lift this issue and allow us to experience sexual desire with out the burden of fear and unmet longing. The first one was choosing my relationship without reservation. Being in my marriage with both feet in the door,

I had a lot more balance and flexibility that gave me more room and ease in dealing with the issues that kept me distant and disconnected. When I gave myself permission to truly stay, to not be looking for the reasons to leave, it changed my relationship to both the issues and my husband.

Finding True Forgiveness

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How to Get Rid Of Your Emotional Baggage Before Your Next Relationship

Nick Arrizza MD — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 13:44:08 +0000

If you’ve been in a relationship before and you’re entering a new one you likely carry the war scars of the last one with you. What are to consequences to you and your new relationship of walking in handicapped?

Well you’re likely feeling a bit defensive, somewhat jaded about the opposite sex and about relationships in general, you’ve likely started to engage in some sort of “game playing” in order to stay safe or to manipulate your new mate, you are unlikely to allow yourself to become too intimate early on or perhaps at all and so on.

What does all this amount to?

Well certainly not a healthy relationship and definitely another failed one!

The Danger of Carrying the Past With You

You see so many individuals who have had unsatisfying relationships in the past actually carry the trauma of these within yet assume that is a normal part of the learning process and never question it.

It has been my experience that this is not unlike a form of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) which clearly affects and undermines the person’s ability to achieve a successful, healthy and happy relationship in their future. This is the reason that so many individuals, later in their lives have turned away from the idea of relationship and towards a solitary existence.

Is there a solution to this problem? Absolutely!

Uninstall the Memories of Past Relationships

You see now for the first time it is possible to uninstall the memories of previous unhealthy relationships from the mind/body consciousness. As hard as this is to believe it actually helps to restore one to their original state of purity and authenticity.

This then allows them not only to enter the new relationship feeling more present, open, honest and confident it also gives them a great sense of resilience. The latter is something that few individuals ever have yet the most important component in my view.

The process that uninstalls memories is called the Mind Resonance Process® (MRP) and it is based on a very simple yet powerful principle that I discovered over a decade ago while I practiced as a psychiatrist.

MRP, unlike psychotherapy, unearths and outrightly challenges unconscious beliefs you have stored within you about memories such as a) why they are apparently useful to you, b) why you “think” you can’t release them and most amazingly c) the belief that they actually happened to you.

MRP compares the apparent “usefulness” of having negative memories inside you against what it actually feels like to have them there. This simple yet profound approach can literally help restore one’s relationship life in a very short time as has been witnesses by hundreds of individuals in thousands of sessions.

Can you imagine entering into your next relationship and feeling as exhilarated as if it was the first one all over again? To have such an experience kindly visit my web site for a free consultation.

Don’t Let A Financial Downturn Cause Financial Infidelity in Your Relationship

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Sat, 03 Jan 2009 13:39:29 +0000

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m calling this economic crisis "Financial 9/11." And it’s obvious that this downturn has been around for awhile, and may be here to stay for quite some time.

A report was recently released that the recession is said to have started this time last year. Meaning we’ve already been experiencing a decline for nearly a year.

Not to start this article off on a down note, but it can be hard to keep spirits up, especially during the holiday season, when news like this hits the airwaves. So how can you avoid committing financial infidelity in this tough economic times?

Avoid Financial Infidelity

Those who end up falling into financial infidelity are often seeking to duplicate the euphoric feelings of "falling in love." They are trying to re-create their feelings, maybe not specifically with adulterous affairs, but by other means, including out-of-control shopping, or other risk-taking behaviors.

It may seem counter-intuitive that someone would "binge-shop" during tough financial times or that a person would actively seek out risk, but the satisfaction that is felt from this "quick fix" can appear to be worth the risk or the cost.

Talk to Your Partner

The key to avoiding such destructive behavior is communication. I touch on various types of relational/financial communication in my book, Financial Infidelity, and there are many different ways to communicate your feelings about money and finances.

You could engage in Smart Heart dialogue where you use a transition in life to ask crucial questions and uncover you and your partners ideas about money. You could focus on your "Imago," the way you look at money based on your past both as an individual and as a couple.

Don’t Let Stress Get to You

The important this is to not let the stress get the better of you and to keep engaging each other in honest conversation. It’s hard not to let these conversations escalate, but it’s important to keep a neutral tone so that each person feels comfortable talking about their concerns:

*Echo what you hear and validate your partner’s feelings. Truly listen to the other person and let them hear you repeat their thoughts and concerns back to them. This assures them that you ARE paying attention and not just continuing with your "agenda."

*Detach from your emotions. Try not to let your responses be emotional, but rather focus on the facts and the truth.

After a fair and productive conversation, remember things that each person need to work on, in order to avoid financial infidelity or a need for thrill-seeking behavior.

How Headaches and Migraines Can Destroy a Relationship

Alan B. Densky, CH — Thu, 25 Dec 2008 14:48:29 +0000

We’ve all heard, and laughed at, the line “Not tonight, Honey. I have a headache.”

For those who suffer from migraines or other chronic headache pain, though, this phrase takes on an entirely new meaning. It’s hard to do, or think, anything at all when the pain of a migraine is racking your skull.

Sometimes, too, it’s hard being in a relationship with someone who suffers from migraines. Unexpected pain begins to occur, often without any warning at all. Within 15 to 30 minutes, migraine sufferers are sometimes completely incapacitated. Their thoughts, feelings, and moods are completely interrupted.

Why? Because even though the brain itself is not sensitive to pain, many areas of the head including the scalp, face, mouth and throat have pain-sensitive nerve fibers, which ache.

Two Kinds of Headaches

Headaches can be divided into two kinds. The first type is primary headaches, which are not associated with any disease. The other kind, secondary headaches are associated with another medical problem.

Just how widespread is this problem? If your date or special evening has been interrupted by migraine headache, you are by no means alone.

Everybody will be affected by them at least once, but up to 55 million Americans, suffer from them regularly. In fact, the World Health Organization claims that one in 20 adults suffer from migraine headaches.

Problems Associated With Headaches

People with headaches often have trouble working. This can cause serious problems with their jobs and financial situations. Headaches often affect people’s social skills. The pain, or the fear of the pain, can cause people to become tense and anxious, even when they are not hurting.

Bright lights, some foods and smells can even trigger migraine headaches, so people have to be careful about their surroundings. Worst of all, many people who do not suffer from migraine headaches have no idea how much a sufferer’s life is affected by this experience.

This inability to relate to the migraneur’s situation can cause people to become frustrated, angry, and even give up on an important relationship.

Furthermore, many people with migraines…

The People You Love – Giving The Benefit Of The Doubt Even When It Feels Like The Last Thing You Want To Do

Wendy Strgar — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 14:26:51 +0000

Here’s a new years resolution that anyone can keep. Give the people you love, starting with yourself, the benefit of the doubt.

Generally speaking and almost without exception most of us are doing the best that we can at any given moment. We are being as loving as we can be, as kind as we can be, as generous as we can be, even though our best might not make it, even and especially in our own eyes.

The People We Love Sometimes Bring Out the Worst in Us

This was brought home to me in a deep and personal way as I spent the holidays with my original family. Although the visit did not include any storming out or other traumatic arguments that suggested the end of the relationship, the very lack of them and what was left over made the reality of the relationship clear.

It was a bittersweet departure, with this realization of what was left between us, and our agreement to not try to be understood or provoke a healing in all the old wounds.

My fifteen year old son commented that my mother did not bring out the best in me. He loves his newfound wisdom and I could not argue the point.

Sometimes the love we can express doesn’t bring out the best in us, and although we may wish to be kinder and more loving the reality of the past and all the baggage that is visceral in us allows only the benefit of the doubt to protect us.

Seeing the Limits of Our Capacity to Love

It is a humbling realization. To see the limits of one’s own capacity to love so clearly and still try to come to a place of loving oneself. This is actually our only choice and in the words of Martin Luther King, Jr. in his speech “Where do we go from here?”

He calls this creative redemptive love “ultimately the only answer we have as a human family.” This redemptive love, which is far from the way we idealize loving relationships, is what we are given to build family and community with. It has to be enough.

When Love Brings Out the Best in Us

With many people in my life, loving them brings out the best in me. I am inspired by my ability to give generously of my time and resources. It is comforting and easy for me to accept even my weaknesses when I am with these heart connections.

Needing to Give the Benefit of the Doubt

I don’t have to think about giving the benefit of the doubt so much in these relationships because they make me feel strong and, on good days, confident.

But what this new year taught me is that until I can embrace the relationships where I am weakest, and meaner than I want to believe, I can’t fully embrace the rich heart connections because all those parts of me live in me and can’t be neatly separated by the quality of the relationship.

In fact the more complex the relationship the more likely that the benefit of the doubt is the only thing that can sustain us living on this little blue planet spinning in space.

Next Time You Have A Breakdown In Communication, Consider This…

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Sat, 20 Dec 2008 14:26:28 +0000

When a woman falls in love with a man, he makes her feel safe, protected, and cherished. She makes him feel seen and respected. These gifts we give each other satisfy ancient longings housed in our biology. They are why we trust each other so quickly, connect so deeply, and start planning for the future!

Moving From Trust & Fulfillment to Irritation & Frustration

At some point, couples move from this position of trust and fulfillment to irritation and frustration. It is as if a pendulum swings them back and forth, sometimes against their will. Maybe it begins with simple things.

For instance, one is a slob and the other is a neat freak. These differences started out being cute but aren’t anymore! Eventually, she will drive him nuts wanting to talk about the relationship.

He will make her worried and insecure withdrawing at every attempt she makes to talk. Before you know it, they feel like enemies to each other either some of the time or all of the time.

Breakdowns in Communication

The next time your relationship suffers from a breakdown in communication, consider what drew you to each other in the first place. For her, feeling safe, protected and cherished satisfy deep, fundamental needs. For him, feeling seen and respected satisfies deep, fundamental needs.

Instead of putting your attention on what you are not getting from your partner, put your attention on what you once gave and try giving it again.

Personality Conflicts and Communication

My husband, Joseph, and I have a personality conflict that contributes to breakdowns in communication. It has occurred to me that addressing the personality conflict isn’t the way to improve the situation.

If we go there, we will wind up monitoring each other and/or ourselves, adding to the frustration and contributing to an even bigger breakdown! Instead, focusing on what we originally gave each other in this situation might just save us a lot of heartache.

What the Personality Conflict Looks Like

The personality conflict looks like this. I have a very active mind. Whenever anyone speaks to me, they are intruding on my thoughts. This means that for the first few seconds of conversation, I am in two places at once in my mind. I’m finishing up my thoughts and beginning to pay attention to the person speaking to me.

Things can get lost in translation because of my active mind!

In addition, my sharp mind prefers details. Instead of telling me something like, “That was the best hamburger I’ve had in a long time,” when it’s been a couple of days since that hamburger was eaten; I prefer more details such as, “Remember when we ate at the Stony Knob Diner last week and I had a hamburger and fries?

That was the best hamburger I’ve had in months. We need to go back there soon!” I realize people don’t talk like that. Folks pick and choose from hundreds of thoughts to share and often begin mid-sentence. I speak like that because details matter to me. See, it’s just a personality issue.

It Isn’t Personal

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Understanding the Sex-Money Connection…

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 19:01:25 +0000

Money and sex are more closely tied than you may have first suspected, and there’s scientific research to back that up. A new brain-scan study showed that when young men were shown erotic pictures, they were more likely to take a bigger financial gamble than if they were shown a picture of something scary.

Perhaps not-so-surprisingly, the arousing pictures lit up the same part of the brain that also lit up when financial risks are taken.

The Sex and Money Study

The study involved 15 heterosexual young men at Stanford University and focused on the sex and money “hub” of the brain, which is near the base of the brain and plays a central role in what you consider to be pleasurable.

When the erotic images activated that hub, the men were far more likely to bet high on a random chance game that would earn them either a dollar or a dime.

The Triggers

Stanford psychologist Brian Knutson, a lead author of the study, says the trigger doesn’t HAVE to be sex. It could just as easily be something like a winning lotto ticket, good food or delicious dessert. Basically, he says, it’s all about the power of emotion and arousal and our financial decisions.

“It didn’t matter if the sexy woman didn’t tell you anything about the odds of winning a roulette game,” he explained. “What really matters is that the sexy woman is having an emotional impact. That bleeds over into your financial decisions.”

Part of a fulfilled life and relationship is keeping these emotional triggers, whatever they may be, from spilling over into your financial decisions too much. Letting sex, or food, for example, affect your financial relationship can have a severe impact on your emotional relationship. As I talk about in my book, Financial Infidelity, what typically leads to multiple types of infidelity, whether it be sexual, financial, emotional, etc, is a need for a thrill.

Thrill Seeking Behavior

Thrill seeking behavior, as this study shows, can be triggered by sex or sexual images and the reasons at at the root of this behavior can often be tied to stress and fear.

When it comes to financial infidelity, one person may use money or shopping to relieve the stress of a bad day at work, a fight in a relationship, any one of a number of things. These things are similar triggers to what can cause a sexual affair, as well.

The bottom line is, there are behaviors going on behind the back of one of the partners. Obviously honesty is important, and it’s VERY important to be honest and not let the stresses, problems and temptations in your relationship get to the point of an infidelity! Learning how to talk through things you face, both as an individual and a couple, can be crucial to building a strong relationship.

Cheating And Infidelity – Can It Really Be Prevented?

Chick In Heels — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 13:05:19 +0000

I always find it fascinating to hear people discuss infidelity and what could have prevented it or what the cheater ‘should have’ done before stepping outside of their relationship.

Are couples really supposed to think about how to KEEP their partner from cheating or how NOT to cheat?

Do We Really Need to Anticipate Cheating?

The thing about cheating in most cases is, it’s not an anticipated occurrence. I mean, no one gets married or enters into a relationship thinking that they will cheat or that their partner will. So all of the ‘couldda-wouldda-shouldda’ talk seems meaningless to me.

Some experts suggest that the partner who was cheated on did not adorn enough attention or appreciation on the cheater. Other experts solely blame the cheater on breaking their vows or stepping outside of their relationship in greed.

Talking About it Before it Happens

Many tend to agree that couples should sit down and have a discussion at the first sign of trouble or to be open with the other partner about their unhappiness in the relationship prior to having an affair occur. I find that thought wildly unrealistic.

I think if you are at a stage where you have to sit down and have ‘that conversation’ things are already too far gone. Plus, I would bet that there are a very minimal percentage of people who would actually HAVE a conversation like this prior to any affair happening. It just doesn’t happen like that.

As much as we’d like to believe that our partner would ‘at least’ show us the respect of exiting the relationship before a third party interferes, most times, it just doesn’t work that way. The list of what ‘to do’ or what ‘not to do’ when it comes to a faithful relationship is endless.

A true realization of the risk factors to cheating are never fully appreciated until the scope of the reality sets in. In other words, until the cheater is caught or confesses out of guilt. Many men (sorry guys!) have stated that they would indeed cheat if they KNEW for sure they could get away with it.

Unless you can erase your memory, I don’t believe you can ever truly get away with cheating. In most cases, something’s gotta give. Sometimes that will include losing custody of your children, losing your home, losing the person you may have actually loved more.. never truly anticipating that you might be found out.

Does Cheating Really Add Something to the Relationship?

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