She was fired because her employer discovered her anonymous sex blog. By anonymous, I mean that she authored her blog, The Beautiful Kind, under a pen name like many successful authors do.

How can someone be fired for something they do after working hours — anonymously? Was she writing about her employer, her work, her colleagues, or her boss? Was her blog disparaging to her employer? No and No.

So why was she fired? The Beautiful Kind (TBK) recounts her experience that morning, when she was called to her boss’s office immediately upon getting to work.

My story boils down to this: I made it a point to keep my personal and professional lives separate (kept name and face off my site & did not mention my job on my site). My boss was advised by the corporate office to Google employees. When they found my site due to a social media glitch, they fired me on the spot. The reason they gave for firing me is because they took offense to me discussing my private affairs online. — The Beautiful Kind

TBK’s boss was able to find her true identity due to an unintended Twitter related caching issue. She had entered her real name in her profile and then changed it as soon as she realized it was publicly visible. TBK immediately changed it, but the damage was done. One of the search engines had already cached the information — ugh… That’s when it all hit the fan.

TBK received the following letter after being terminated, apparently written by a lawyer to try and cover their bases.

We simply cannot risk any possible link between our mission and the sort of photos and material that you openly share with the online public. While I know you are a good worker and an intelligent person, I hope you try to understand that our employees are held to a different standard. When it comes to private matters, such as one’s sexual explorations and preferences, our employees must keep their affairs private. — Company “X”

This is really starting to sound like the military’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” approach to gay men and women in the service. A person should not have to hide their sexual preferences to keep their job or stay in the military. It’s time that we, as human beings, learn to live together and to respect that we all have unique preferences and perspectives.

All that aside, rather than firing her on the spot, why not ask her to simply take down her blog or refrain from this activity in the future? Or how about giving her two weeks to find another job or provide her with a healthy severance package? I believe that firing her on the spot was an extreme and emotional over reaction that should make us all very wary. It was just mean and vindictive!

Did her boss really fear bad PR, or was he just icked out by the content of her site?
Tony Rothert, legal director of the American Civil Liberties Union of Eastern Missouri, tells The Riverfront Times that the company could have assuaged its PR worries by simply asking that TBK take down her blog. He says, “The fact that they didn’t do that and instead just fired her causes one to believe that it really is the content that they had a problem with, and not really that they were concerned about a connection between her blog and the employer being made in the public.” He adds, “One of the unfortunate things is that a lot of people are uncomfortable about unconventional sexuality, especially when a woman’s involved. That is not an employer’s job — to police the sexual lives of its employees — and when an employer discriminates on that basis it is sex discrimination and it’s against the law.” — Jezebel.com

Ultimately this is not even a question of legal rights — it’s a question of what’s right and who gets to make that determination for you. In an at-will employment state, you can be hired and you can be fired for no reason other than personal preference.

TBK wants people to realize that this CAN happen to you.

Don’t have a sex blog? How about that wild party you were at last weekend, you know, with all those pictures you posted to your Facebook page? What about the bar you checked into with your FourSquare account? Nothing is private on the internet and its all fair game for an overbearing HR person or a peeping tom (or closet pervert) employer with nothing better to do than to poke around in your private life.

Here are some thoughts that TBK shared with us about this painful experience.

The whole situation is unfortunate, as I think this is not a fair reason for being terminated. It is lifestyle discrimination. In this day and age, sex is still such a taboo topic. Some people believe it should be kept a private matter, hidden in the shadows, but I think talking about it openly and honestly is a much healthier approach. My website truly inspired and helped people via education and inspiration. I feel good knowing that I have made a difference and brought happiness to thousands of people. – The Beautiful Kind

At Ask Dan & Jennifer, we absolutely agree with The Beautiful Kind. Our human sexuality is a beautiful thing that should not be hidden away and treated as if it’s wrong. A healthy sex life is critical for a happy relationship but most people suffer in silence because they’re afraid to talk about their sexual desires and preferences. We believe that education and awareness are the answer to all questions. Sexuality is not the exception. It’s time to bring it out of the closet.

So here’s the question we have for you today.

Is person’s personal sex life really any of their employers business? Should a person be fired for something (completely legal) that they do on their own time, outside of work? Please tell us why you feel the way you do about this topic.

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Question: I have just found you on YouTube. Don’t you think some of your videos are against Islam? In Islam you cannot have sex without marriage. My question is what should somebody do if he cannot marry but is under pressure of orgasm and any relationship out of marriage is against his religious beliefs? Please consider Islamic limits more on your answers.

–YouTube Viewer

Respecting Religious And Moral Beliefs

Since everyone has different religious and moral beliefs about sex, it’s impossible for everyone to agree on what is right and what isn’t. Right and wrong are subjective, and can be different for everyone based on their religion and morals. If you want others to respect your own religious or moral beliefs, then it is important that you do the same for them. Don’t criticize other people’s beliefs or religion and if you can’t agree, just agree to disagree. It never hurts to listen though and you can simply take away whatever works for you and leave behind what doesn’t.

Sexual Frustration

For people whose religious and moral beliefs dictate that they stay away from sex or sex before marriage, it can be difficult to have your sexual needs met. People with strict beliefs about abstinence are easily sexually frustrated and may not know where to turn. Masturbation, however, is an easy and simple way to experience orgasm and sexual relief without having sex with another person before marriage. This may satisfy both your sexual needs and your religious doctrines without breaking any of your rules. However, some religions don’t allow masturbation or frown upon it, or don’t allow the use of pornography or other masturbation aids. Find out what your religion says about masturbation, because you may find that masturbation is something that isn’t restricted. Even if masturbation is restricted in some way based on your beliefs, you may want to weigh the alternative and decide which abides by your religion or moral beliefs best – masturbation or sex before marriage?

Are Your Beliefs Working For You?

Sometimes, you may find that your religious or moral beliefs aren’t working for you in your current lifestyle. If you’re sexually frustrated and have no way of achieving sexual relief under your beliefs, you may want to question your beliefs and whether they’re allowing you to live a full, happy and fulfulling lifestyle or whether they’re inhibiting you in some way. Everyone has the right to be true to themselves and live the way they want to, as long as it’s not harming anyone else in the process. If you find that you’re not able to be true to yourself with your religion or morals, do some soul searching to find out what is really right for you.

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Question: I was circumcised when I was born because of my Dad’s stupid religious beliefs. I’m really angry about it knowing that I didn’t ask for it. I’ve read places that the foreskin is necessary for protection and stuff. What do you think about circumcision?

–YouTube Viewer

Is Circumcision Medically Necessary?

Medically, circumcision is not a necessary procedure. Society has told us for years that an uncircumcised penis is “unclean” and can get infections. Thousands of years ago, when circumcision first became popular, the surgery may have helped keep a boy’s genitals cleaner due to the lack of clean, running water and proper hygeine habits. Even then, however, circumcision was never necessary. A boy who is not circumcised does not face any health issues relating to his foreskin as long as it is kept clean like any other part of our body. To clean an uncircumcised penis on a young boy is easy – the foreskin is fused to the head of the penis and doesn’t separate until about age 7. Simply wash the penis with soap and water. When the foreskin becomes moveable, retract the foreskin from the head of the penis in the shower and again, wash with soap and water. This is generally all the care an uncircumcised penis needs to stay clean and healthy.

Whose Body, Whose Rights?

While many advocates of circumcision state that the child has no recollection of the pain of the procedure, that doesn’t change the end result. A child who is circumcised can never become uncircumcised, however, an uncircumcised male may choose to get the procedure later in life. While most body changing procedures, such as tattoos and breast augmentation, require the informed consent of the person being operated on or being tattooed, circumcision does not require the consent of the child, only the consent of the parents. Babies unfortunately can’t give informed consent for their genitals to be operated on and their foreskin removed. They can’t tell you whether they would like to keep their foreskin or whether they would like to have it removed.

Support For Circumcised Men

If your parents had you circumcised due to their own religious or societal beliefs, you may be left wondering why you never had a say in how your genitals looked or felt. It’s normal to be upset when you realize what was taken away from you before you even had a choice about it. Some devices and surgeries exist claiming to help restore the foreskin, however, it can only stretch the skin on the shaft of the penis to make it appear as though you are uncircumcised. The nerves endings lost during the original circumcision can never be recreated. There are many support groups for circumcised men to deal with their feelings about having their rights taken away from them and many men choose to advocate for circumcision rights.

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Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Some men are circumcised and some aren’t – should you get circumcised? Does it hurt? What’s the right age for circumcision? Will it improve sexual pleasure or increase the risk of getting STD’s? What’s the truth?

–Will, TX

Religious Beliefs

Circumcision actually stems from old religious beliefs, in the days where the lack of running water, soap and an abundance of sand and dirt made it difficult to keep a penis clean. Today’s families who do not have religious reasons to circumcise their children may still get their boys circumcised for cleanliness and even appearances. It is true that a circumcised penis is easier to keep clean, but as a modern society, we have the ability to teach our children how to clean their genitals properly, circumcised or not. So what is circumcision, really?

A Cosmetic Procedure

Now that we have evolved as a society – you know, one with soap, running water and the whole works – there are no medical reasons that suggest not getting circumcised is harmful to a boy’s health. There are also no medical reasons suggesting that the final outcome of a circumcision is harmful, aside from pain and possible infections that may arise during the healing period. So essentially, a circumcision is a cosmetic procedure.

Be Informed

Before making the decision to circumcise your child, or to have your own penis circumcised, it is important to research the topic yourself. Be smart about it – don’t make the decision blindly, just because your father had it done, or you don’t want your child to look different from other boys in the locker room. Actually sit down and read the information available on circumcision – and there’s a lot of it – to make an informed decision for yourself.

The Truth

Does circumcision hurt? Yes! Babies and men who are circumcised are anesthetized during the procedure, but the healing period is quite painful for both babies and adults. Adults do have a reduced risk of post procedure infection however, as their fresh wounds aren’t sitting in a diaper all day, exposed to excrement. If you do have your child circumcised, ask your doctor how to best reduce the risk of infection and how to keep your child’s wound clean in spite of the fact that a diaper must be worn and the wound will be exposed to urine and feces. Does circumcision increase or decrease the risk of contracting sexually transmitted diseases? No! Does circumcision increase sexual pleasure? No – in fact, it can do just the opposite. The foreskin that is removed from the penis is packed with nerve endings that are extremely responsive to sexual pleasure in the same way that a woman’s clitoris is. So it’s safe to say that uncircumcised men do, in fact, have greater sexual reception than circumcised men.

If your religious beliefs or morals mitigate getting circumcised or having your child circumcised, go for it! But think about it first – what would your child say if he could choose? How many men have been circumcised only to learn later in life that they’ve lost a part of their anatomy that could have given them greater sexual pleasure – and they never had a choice about it? When it comes to circumcision, just think about it first!

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Nearly five years since starting Christian Pro Erotic, after years of struggling with my faith and my sexual needs, after hearing the stories of many people of faith in the same situation I finally read the article in the July 7th Time Magazine.

Sexuality for Married Couples

And God Said, “Just Do It” is about Christian fellowships and churches tackling sexuality for married couples. It seems a movement is burgeoning where ministers and ministries are focusing on one issue: married couples in the church need more sex!

Finally, after so many years, we are cleaning a stubborn speck in the eye. Instead of putting down those in the world whose marriages do not live up to the snuff of church standards Christians will finally try to take out the plank of high divorce rates and failed sex lives from the eye of the body of Christ.

Christian couples are finding programs such as New Directions Christian Church (Memphis, Tennessee) with their series“40 Nights of Grreat Sex” or Relevant Church (Tampa, Florida) with their “30-Day Sex Challenge“ available to them to help their marriages grow and prosper.

I can tell you 20 years ago or so the advice would have been to “just pray about it and God will give you the clues to figure our how it will work out”.

A step in the right direction

Not anymore.

Now along with the Good Book we are finding couples armed with (gasp) the Joy of Sex in their arsenal to take back their bedrooms from a stale existence.

To me this is a step in the right direction and one which is way overdue; if these materials were available to Christian couples in the past–leadership and members–many marriages could have avoided heartache and tragedy in their lives. To realize they are failing in the battle in the bedroom is a signal playtime is over. The church is ready to catch up with many other couples who made each night a night to remember.

The church had a flimsy argument to folks outside the church about engaging in spicing up their bedroom life. We kept serving Vanilla when everyone else dove into cartons of Rocky Road and Cookies and Cream (whether you add this to your bedroom play is up to you).

The church balked at toys, oils, massages and (gasp) alternative venues to make things interesting. The thing I could not understand was how those folks who lasted 40 plus years together keep it together when it came to times of intimacy?

The road that led to adultery

It made it seem the wife just lied back and took what the husband gave her year end and year out without question. If they (she) did question (God forbid) then it would mean points off the eternal trail. It is the kind of thinking that opened the doors to all sorts of problems such as adultery, divorce, etc. Husbands would find themselves caught up in adultery and slaves to pornography; women found themselves in the arms of another man (or woman) to ease the pain of such a boring life.

Snubbing the church?

I am sure there are some who see such “straying” tactics as an attempt to snub the nose over the traditions of the church (i.e. “if it was good for mother and father, then it’s good enough for me). Some would even say our society is over saturated with sex and to adopt some of the manuals of the world would mean we would be giving in to the enemy. That reasoning is flawed and failed. When did sex become the enemy here?

Making sex your friend

These churches are finally realizing beating up on one of God’s greatest gifts to humanity is not the direction to give to couples. Making sex their friend, and making sex work for them, can really kill the boredom and stress many families face in their homes.

One thing I like from these teachings are the stress of having husbands do their share around the house and make the wife’s to do list shorter. The consequence of not doing them: you, sir, become part of her list of “to do”. Sex then is reduced to a chore instead of a delight.

My prayer is they continue with this and couples can grow to become stronger and more vibrant couples. I also hope the church would take a good hard study over sexuality regarding the single person because I think if they are prepared to face sexuality before marriage they can handle the rigors of day to day life with another mate during marriage (again, my opinion).

But who wants to throw dust in the eyes of progress? I am just glad groups like ours and programs like the those in Tennessee and Florida are helping to take the plank out of the churches eyes so it can see better.

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Many people believe that sex before marriage is wrong or immoral and others believe that it’s not an issue.

While there may never be a universal agreement on whether sex before marriage is acceptable or not, many men and women find themselves in this situation before they’ve even given much thought to the question.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Hello, I’m Lizeth from Turkey. I want to ask a question about virginity. Here doing sex before marriage isn’t common. I have a foreign boyfriend, and he want to have sex with me and  I it want too.

I know in America you don’t care so much about it. I just want to learn your things. Is it bad?

- Lizeth, Turkey

Is having sex before marriage wrong?

That’s not a question that anyone can answer but you. You need to take into consideration everything about the situation before you make the decision to have sex before marriage.

What are your religious or spiritual beliefs?  What are your moral beliefs?  How comfortable are you with the person you want to have sex with?  Do you trust this person?  How comfortable would you be with the consequences of sex should they arise. For example, pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases?

These questions should be answered, but not by your friends, family or anyone else.  You need to sit down and really think about what having sex before marriage means to you.

Does it make you feel wrong?  If it does, don’t do it!  If you really feel that it’s not a big deal, that’s okay too.  Ultimately, it’s all about what you want and how comfortable you are with the idea.

What if I do?

Well, first things first. Use protection.

Sex is enjoyable, but you can get pregnant and you can contract sexually transmitted diseases.  Guard against possible consequences by using sensible protection and by being smart and safe.

If you have any questions about safe sex, pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases, a great person to ask would be your doctor.  They’ll give you unbiased information and can educate you on how to safely have sex while still enjoying your partner.

Remember, sex is something to be enjoyed between two consenting adults.  You should never feel pressured into having sex or feel like you “have to.”

If you want to have sex before marriage, that’s fine.  If you don’t, that’s fine too.

Don’t let anyone else tell you what you should do or persuade you into doing something you don’t want to do.  It’s not up to your friends, family, relatives, church officials, neighbors or anyone else!  Trust your gut instinct and go with what you feel is right.

With that said, you basically want to just be sure you’re ready to take the step forward and have sex before marriage.  If you don’t feel that its right, by all means trust your gut instinct and stay abstinent, at least for now.  If you’re perfectly comfortable having sex before marriage and comfortable with the person you’d like to have sex with, go for it.  It’s your decision.

Don’t rush it though – take your time thinking about the situation and taking a look at how you might feel after the fact.  You don’t have to now, but you might want to later.  That’s fine too.  Remember, you call the shots.  What you say goes!

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But the more typical subjects on sexual issues and relationship issues in the church and elsewhere range from marriage, single dating, and sex before or during marriage, abortion, and the dreaded gay and lesbian surge.

Sadly, there are other issues out there believers in Christ should be hearing from their pulpits. So permit this writer to expose some of those subjects because its high time believers and non-believers alike fight against such things for the sake of everyone on the planet.

Why don’t we hear about rape?

Why don’t we hear a preacher talk about how rape affects everyone? EVERYONE! According to Rape Abuse and Incest National Network 1 out of 6 women and 1 out of 33 men are raped in their lifetime. This leads to depression, suicide, and drug/alcohol abuse, not the pretty “sweet by and by” topics heard but something every believer and non-believer needs to hear about.

And the children, that’s a whole article in itself; incest and ministerial abuse is even as disgusting and falls under this category. There is also the topic of prison rape that is largely ignored by the best of minister (especially when dealing with prison ministries)

If the church really wants to see healing of the body, mind, spirit, and soul then they need to deal with this topic head on. Until it is, thousands of men, women and children will keep in silence never finding healing or release for the things they’ve experienced. Anger, bitterness, rage, and deep hurt are issues that need the churches attention more than if two men or women live in loving relationships.

Why don’t we hear about the international sex trade?

Around the world the sex trade is so huge it is catastrophic to many families and friends. From families who can’t afford to keep their kids and give their kids away to the sex trade to women taken from villages from eastern and developing countries to satisfy the needs of their “clientele” this is a crime which needs a voice.

Where are the ministers in the world who will give these women (and men) a voice? Girls from preteens and older need someone to speak for them or they will be nothing more than objects in the hands of people who have no care for their welfare.

Why do we not hear about adults with urges for sexual relationship with children?

Call it a sickness, call it an easy out for those who feel guilt over their sexual urges and turn to children for an “easy out”, urges by adults to satisfy their desires with a child under the age of 18 is wrong.

Pedophilias in the Catholic faith rocked the church to its core and have seen the exodus of many members tired of Rome ignoring the issues. The Protestant side shows similar cases with everyone from the minister to the janitor around the world taking advantage of our children.

When will we hear a sermon or a movement to address the sexual issues adults have and to find help to steer them to a healthier expression of their needs? I hope soon. If not, the faith cannot continue standing on the high moral ground when the ground is moist with hierocracy.

What about comprehensive sexual education?

I can find tapes, DVD’s, even on-line sermons dealing with sex before marriage warning teens and adults of the spiritual “dangers” of proceeding this way. I would love to hear a frank sermon from a pastor willing to talk about what happens if abstinence fails and you find yourself wanting to be sexual? Corpus Interruptus isn’t an option by the way; nor is running away into the night.

Can one pastor in the world talk about contraceptives without feeling like betraying the church? Can one man or woman of the cloth deal with condoms and “the pill” without gagging in between points behind the pulpit?

That’s what the people need to hear, not a lot of “thou shalt nots” but realistic approaches to a real world. And if you want to add spiritual touches to the sermons, then talk about people asking for God for the strength to find help and wisdom in taking some of the approaches I’ve just mentioned.

These are just the tip of the iceberg, but now that the cards are on the table will someone take the lead? It’s easy for me to talk about this, but until the people of the church demand to have these issues addressed those affected by these subjects will live in silence without any hope.

With billions of dollars spent on how a person can be prosperous and self assured maybe money could be spent in the direction of putting programs together to help these victims. Instead of stopping the gays or paying for workshops to stop abortions can’t we try to help the broken from loosing all hope that God will ever hear their pain?

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There are those who believe it’s okay to have sex on the first date. Others think the third date is the right time, but still others believe you should wait much longer. Perhaps as long until after the wedding.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

How long should I date a man morally speaking before we have sex??

And so it will be a better relationship if that’s what is meant to be…

–Erica, California

The morality of sex

Morally speaking, there is no right or wrong answer to this question – which is what makes it such a great question.  People who are uncertain about what boundaries they have when making the decision to have sex with the person they’re dating might be a little surprised to learn that the only boundaries they have are the ones they set for themselves…

Some people feel that it’s perfectly fine or natural to have sex with someone on the first date, or even shortly after meeting.  Others certainly might not agree, but it is ultimately up to the couple in question.  If both parties involved feel that it’s okay and feel confident about having sex soon after the relationship begins, by all means – go for it!

Other people feel that sex is only for those who are married.  Whether it is due to strict religious beliefs or purely philosophical ones, this approach works well for many couples.  They are committed to each other before getting physical and when they finally do the deed, they feel more comfortable with each other.

Then there are those who wait until they gain their footing in a relationship and start to feel comfortable before getting sexual with their partner.  Some people abide strongly by the “three date rule” and others wait a few months, but not forever.

When is the right time to have sex?

There is no magic “time” that would make it morally right to engage in sexual activity with your partner and unless you feel otherwise, there’s no magic “time” that would make it morally wrong either.  It’s all up to you and your partner.  If you are both consenting adults, you’re free to engage in sexual activity whenever you like.

Before doing anything, however, you should take a deep look at your own religious or moral beliefs.  Do you feel it would make you uncomfortable to have sex with your partner before the one month mark?  Does your partner?  Are you completely comfortable having sex with them after only a week?  How would it make you feel if you did?  Really think about it and don’t be afraid to come to terms with how you feel about the situation.  You have the right to decide when and if you’re ready to “do it” and with who you’re ready to “do it” with.

When it comes to figuring out your own personal rules, you are free to be as strict or as lenient with yourself as you like.  Do whatever works for you.  Don’t do anything that would make you feel uncomfortable or make your partner uncomfortable.  No one should ever be pressured into having sex.  Don’t be afraid to fly by the seat of your pants either – if you’re with someone and feel comfortable with the idea of having sex with them, you’re welcome to throw any ideals you previously had out the window.  Or you can stick to your guns – it’s up to you.  Remember, the only boundaries you have are the ones you set for yourself.

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Who is she? She was a Lubbock, Texas high school student (she’s now in college as of this writing), a church attendee, and comes from a conservative home. Knox was also the subject of the PBS series “P.O.V.” called “The Education of Shelby Knox” where she is the focus of her four years in high school and her fight to bring comprehensive sexual education to her school. Why would someone like her be leading a fight like this?

The Prophet

Like any good “prophet” she saw her people—classmates—suffering form increasing teen pregnancy in her school and others in Lubbock and the spread of STDs. She challenged the Lubbock School Board several times but to no avail; in her journey she realizes places like Lubbock and other areas in the country need to give teens the tools needed to help them to make informed choices when being intimate with another person.

Knox is one of my heroes because she was willing to step outside of her comfort zone and ask the tough questions needed to be asked. Her example helps me to write what I write and ask those tough questions the church and Christians are afraid to ask. I also share her passion over ending the abstinence only teaching in most country and start teaching a through sexual education program around the country and the world.

Choose abstinence for the right reasons

Don’t get me wrong; abstinence is not a bad thing to decide to do for your sexual health. I remember taking my human sexuality course and the instructor taking a sheet of paper and drew a line through the page.

On one side, the risk of being abstinence, the other side, the risk of being sexually active was on the other side of the sheet. While the risk on the sexually active is evident—STD, pregnancy, emotional issues, etc.—those who stay abstinent avoided any of those possible pitfalls. Now proponents supporting the latter view will smile, give high fives, and point at me saying, “see, I told you so!”

Real world issues

However, lets look at the real world shall we? We are human beings, but we are many different parts that make us who we are. We are spiritual beings with the need to be connected with the divine. We are social beings with the need to connect with other people around us. We are sexual beings because, I believe, God made us with the great power to enjoy our sexuality and create life.

With such a great power and responsibility, shouldn’t the final say of how it is used be left to us? The Spiderman geek in me harkens to the mantra created by Stan Lee:“With great power comes great responsibility.”

Give them some credit

I think the main reason why we see such a push for the abstinence only program is they—religious leaders, politicians and moralist– don’t think young people and adults don’t have what it takes to handle the great gift of sexuality with care. Funny.

We trust them to make a decision to give their life for their country, take a drink at a bar, vote, and drive a vehicle. God forbid if they are given the right keys to take control of their own body and to make choices concerning their sexual lives.

The Christian community has done everything from pushing school boards to teaching their view about sexuality to our kids to forcing state and federal governments to spend billions of dollars to quell the rampant sexual drive. Truth is, it doesn’t work.

The better alternative

What a waste to spend all the money, time, and sermons to scare the devil out of kids touching themselves (or each other) when you can save money and talk about ways to treat your potential interest with concern and care.

What a waste of time to avoid people even seeing a condom—let alone knowing what to do with one when you open the foil—when you can show the guys how to put the darn thing on and the benefits of preventing pregnancy and the risk of contacting an STD.

Why abstinence only isn’t working

One fact stuck out to me was how after years of declining rates in teen birth rates in 2007 saw a jump:

The difference between these two approaches, and their impact on teen behavior, remains a controversial subject in the U.S. Teenage birth rates had been dropping in the U.S. since 1991, but a 2007 report showed 3% increase from 2005 to 2006. –CDC National Center for Health Statistics Dec. 12, 2007.

This despite efforts by leaders to show this line of defense alone will curb the tide. Some figures show in some places around the country there was little to no signs of real change. But the hidden toll is the silence from those who either have taken these courses at school or took some sort of pledge of abstaining from sex in their churches (i.e. “The Silver Ring Thingy”).

For the few who succeed in achieving their goal of being “pure” those who are active sexually must feel like failures not just to themselves but to God. Is this what we want to produce in our children?

Not everyone can live up to the ideals of Paul the apostle or the ideas of many in our society so wouldn’t it make sense to give people tools to help them better address the problems young people face than to go into a relationship with a wing and a prayer?

My advice is to take the money making sex a foe and make it a friend and ally. Install respect for this great power, prepare for our young people the possible, and hope the things we teach them will help them make better decisions in the bedroom.

Related Posts

1. What Does Abstinence Mean To You?
2. Sexual Abstinence – Can You REALLY Have Intimacy Without Sex?
3. That “Mothering” Tone Of Voice And Behavior Does Not Work For A Man: Which Means It Doesn’t Work for You!
4. Do We Need Real Sex Ed In Schools?
5. Long Distance Relationships – Can They Really Work?

–Gene Eugene, lead singer of Adam Again

I always admire people who are not afraid to come out in the light and live their life fearlessly. The Naked Cowboy in Times Square playing his guitar and giving a smile in the busiest city in the world.

An exotic dancer at a Gentleman’s club showing off her skill, talent and her body knowing full well their relatives or friends could walk into the door at any time. They are honest and open about who they are and despite their inner fears they face it and deal with whatever the outcome.

Unfortunately, people of the Christian faith have a harder time dealing with being an honest people. Oh don’t get me wrong, their faith is strong and many don’t have a trouble getting dressed to head into church to worship God. But if there is any subject that causes even the truest of believer to cower into the corner its sex.

Sex keeps even the truest believer to find a good excuse to be somewhere else other than in the place where you are. Why? In many pulpits around the world it is taught that sex is wonderful when it is placed in the marital bed.

Sex outside of that (or any variance of “God’s design”) is an abomination in the eyes of God, so they say. Yet many a believer—myself included—find us in situations where we say one thing and do another.

This is the hypocrite’s tale. It is a tale of longing, wanting badly to be honest about what we are attracted to. Our love of everything sexual, and a desire to have a relationship where there are no secrets between our partners and ourselves is a dream that seems so far away.

Some in the church say that’s an oxymoron! I say this is not only attainable but something I think God supports in our lives. But if we are to get to that place of honesty there is one thing you and I need to say from the get go:

I LOVE SEX!

Say that three times to yourself or stand in the mirror and say it out loud. There, don’t you feel better now? I hope so. If we are to start on the road to honesty we need to say this to ourselves and admit we enjoy this great gift God created in us. So you like sex eh? Good. Now lets get down to the next phase of an honest life.

Here is a revelation that is going to shock the socks off of you. Baring any sexual abuse to children, animals, an adulterous affair, or other adults who are forced upon sexually you can enjoy pretty much anything else provided it doesn’t offend your conscious or the conscious of anyone else.  God has given you the freedom to enjoy the wide range of sexuality. From masturbation to even (dare I say it) inviting others into your bedroom you don’t have to act in the shadows again.

Too good to be true, you say?…

I thought so too because for many years I lived in the shadows sexually gorging on anything erotic to whet my appetite while in public I denounced these very acts as wicked and wrong. The best way to describe it is like you gorge on mounds and mounds of sexual material and experiences as if you never had sex before.

Then you get so stuffed (sexually speaking) you go to church or to your own home and regurgitate all those experiences with promises of “I’ll be a better Christian Lord if you’ll help me never to do this again”. You’re then caught in a vicious cycle of craving for sex, getting filled behind the backs of everyone, regret, repenting and re-repenting to never do it again.

Sit back and look at what’s going on here. You are letting this cycle take control of you and one day it will destroy all the things that is good within your life.

Relationships with spouses, boyfriends and girlfriends are ruined because you can’t bring yourself to the truth you like sex. Take it from me you don’t have to beat yourself up for having a sexual thought.

Break the cycle. Learn to accept yourself not just as a spiritual being but also as a sexual one too with needs for intimacy and love. Accept yourself not as evil for touching yourself, for seeing bodies entwined in passion, or enjoying entwining yourself but as a normal person of God. Paul said it best in Romans: “Therefore do not let what is for you a good thing be spoken of as evil.” (Rom 14: 15).

Today is the day to stop living in the shadows and start living an honest life. It is sad the rest of the church is more worried about sex toys or whether a child sees a nipple and not enough time encouraging fellow sisters and brothers to enjoy their God given right to sex.

Determine today that this will be the time in your life you don’t have to be crushed by guilt and manufactured fear (fed by tradition and misinformation) and find out how much of sexuality you really can enjoy.

Related Posts

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2. What The Church Should Be Telling You About Sexuality But Isn’t…
3. Uncovering Sex and Sexuality Censorship in Today’s Business World
4. Break Up and Divorce – Should You Condemn Yourself to a Bad Relationship for Life Because of Religion and Guilt?
5. Is It Wrong To Be Bisexual? Should I Explore My Sexuality?

They especially take issue with their partner’s sexual history. But the problem comes in when they pass judgment on their partner for “sexual indiscretions”, and try to “save” this person. This is a very common problem with men from very religious backgrounds, when they discover their wife or girlfriend has had sex before them… and, gasp! sometimes with more than just one man!

This of course results in serious relationship problems, and often a break up or divorce.

We are today the product of our upbringing, experiences, and choices

The person you love is who they are because of their upbringing, their experiences, and each and every choice they made up to this point in their lives. Without all those factors, this person would not be who they are today, and would likely not have ever met you – since all those circumstances in their life also ultimately led to the two of you coming together.

So it is naive and hypocritical for people to talk about “forgiving” their partners’ sexual past, when they love this person for who they are today.

Women and virgins… “Hey – who broke the safety seal on this one?!”

This whole thing about “I want to marry a virgin” sounds nice in theory, but it doesn’t reflect the reality in our society today.

The real question to ask is – “who cares?” So what if she’s had sex before? Maybe then she’ll actually know what she’s doing when she has sex with you – better yet, maybe she’ll actually know what she likes.

Gasp! Women taking pleasure in sex. No, it can’t be! Sure, it’s barely been over 100 years since the ever enlightened medical establishment of the day (read: men with large egos) was telling us that women don’t actually take pleasure in sex. Of course during those glorious days doctors could only examine the parts of a woman that weren’t covered by her mandatory head-to-toe clothing. No, seriously. This is not fiction. It’s the height of the arrogance and hypocrisy of the Victorian age… a time from which many of today’s sexual taboos stem, and thus many of today’s relationship sex and intimacy problems.

There are places in today’s world still where women cannot show their faces. Lifting their veils amounts to public pornography, and is against the law of the land. Can you believe it? And let’s not forget that it’s barely been sixty years since women have been allowed to vote.

We live in fascinating times, but our dark history is not far behind.

Strong religious upbringing and sex education…

Something we see very often from people raised in a very strict religious manner is a complete lack of sex education. Unfortunately, when we hide away from sex and don’t teach our children about the realities of sex, the inevitable will happen… from teen pregnancy, to sexually transmitted diseases, to child molestation, and so on.

We are sexual beings. Ignoring this very important part of our very nature results in many of the sexual and relationship problems we see today. In addition, there’s a strong trend toward the “behind closed doors” type of sexual activity and experimentation.

There are many wonderful things that have come out of religious circles. But it’s important to remember that at the core of most of today’s religious teachings is the original message of peace, love, and forgiveness. The problem comes in when organized religion tells us to pass judgment on others and change them.  What happened the peace, love, and forgiveness part?

Can you forgive her past indiscretions and move on with your relationship?

That’s a tough question since there’s nothing really there for you to “forgive”. She didn’t do anything to you.

The real question is… can you embrace the love that you have been blessed to partake in, or is your anti-sex bias more important to you… important enough to give up your love and move on?

Here’s a question from a man in Ontario trying to cope with this same dilemma.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I have a really loving and caring partner that I love and care for too. I have concerns about previous past with that person. Before I start I want you to know that I am 25 year old Catholic and this is my first serious relationship. My fiance is 27 years old and she is Greek Orthodox who had a few previous relationships.

And this is what is bothering me… the fact that I have not dated and got affiliated with people whom I knew that I would not want to stay with but also I lived a very lonely life because of that. My bother comes from her past that for one she had a first marriage that in her early twenties but got a divorce shortly after. That bothers me because I was expecting to meet a girl who would be a virgin.

What also bothers me is that she dated more guys after and got affiliated with them also. It was very painful for me to find a box of condoms with condom cream in her bathroom that was hidden under a big mess. Now you may see where I am coming from I feel that she has done such horrible things and here I am the person who loves her who is suppose to accept her.

This person has lived on her own at a very young age and only has a mother because the father passed away. I can see that she may have a reason that this has happened and I believe its from being alone also.

She loves me with everything and says that she has never met someone like me before who is caring, emotional, very sensitive and not a typical guy who drinks beer and watched tv all the time. I need your help in making me understand why I am feeling sad, anger at times, unhappy and no being able to talk with my partner. It is very hard to forgive and move on. Please help.

– Rafal, Ontario

Related Posts

1. Break Up and Divorce – Should You Condemn Yourself to a Bad Relationship for Life Because of Religion and Guilt?
2. Sex, Religion, and Hypocrisy – Will Embracing Your Sexuality Offend God?
3. The Truth About Circumcision
4. Do We Need Real Sex Ed In Schools?
5. What Causes Irrational Fear Of Sex?

While Texas may be perceived as a highly religious and conservative stronghold, deep in the heart of the Bible Belt, it’s beat out only by California, and Florida is a close 3rd in the number of adults actively looking for sex on the internet.

Are we making this up? Now way!

These revealing numbers are reported by one of the largest adult web sites on the internet. The numbers will really surprise you… 

If you don’t already know, Adult Friend Finder is the largest sex and swinger personals web site on the internet today with 22,319,717 members. That’s almost identical to the population of Texas which is 23,507,783. Hmmm… That’s a lot of people on just this one website.

What is a sex and swinger personals web site? Well, it’s basically a dating site for singles and couples looking for sex. What many people don’t realize is that Adult Friend Finder gets more visitors every day than Match.com and eHarmony put together!

That’s no big surprise. But what IS a surprise is that Texas is ranked #2 in the number of subscribers to this web site.

Here is the state by state breakdown of the top sex enthusiasts in the U.S., according to Adult Friend Finder:

• California – 1.2 million (That’s 3.3% of the state population)
• Texas – 800,000 (That’s 3.4% of the state population)
• Florida – 743,000 (That’s 4.1% of the state population)
• New York – 660,000 (That’s 3.4% of the state population)
• Illinois – 429,000 (That’s 3.3% of the state population)

Wow, what’s truly amazing here is that Texas – the heart of the Bible Belt – is #2 in all of the U.S. with a larger percentage of the population subscribing than California!

Is Texas shedding it’s ultra conservative facade? Or will the truth remain buried behind closed doors with faceless pictures on the top sex personals sites like Adult Friend Finder?

Here are some more interesting facts about sex on the internet 

While it’s difficult to identify the exact number of internet users, ComScore Media Metrix reports 4% of all Web traffic and 2% of all time spent Web surfing involved an adult site.

• According to a recent study by Google, adult content is the most sought after content by users with cellphones. Google’s team found that 20 percent of searches on cellphones were for adult content, while only 5 percent of searches on PDAs were for it. The researchers sifted through 1 million searches by users of their mobile search software to come up with these numbers.
• The AVN Annual Survey of the Adult Industry 2006 asserts that the adult entertainment industry is nearly a $13 billion business in 2006, mostly in the form of adult videos. But the delivery mechanism is changing… Internet sales of adult content, which includes images, live-chat and live-streaming video, has now become the second largest adult entertainment segment, with 22 percent of the market or $2.8 billion in sales.

So, are more than 23 million people wrong? Or are the rules and social stigmas against sex and enjoying our sexuality outdated remnants of the Victorian age?

Obviously the demand is there, but so are the ultra conservative religious extremists and the lawmakers that they keep in their pockets. Which explains why prostitution is still illegal in most states and certain sexual acts between consenting adults are illegal in the privacy of their own homes. The fact that consenting adults cannot do whatever they choose in the privacy of their own homes, without causing harm to anyone, is outrageous!

This is also why Janet Jackson was persecuted for her wardrobe malfunction during the Superbowl a few years back (the most replayed moment in TiVo history) and Chicago TV reporter, Amy Jacobson, was persecuted for doing an interview in her swimsuit. Exactly what is wrong with a breast and a belly button anyway? Really… Stop and think about that for just a moment.

When will we say enough is enough?

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For us, this is not a cut and dry decision as there are many factors to consider.

As you all know by now, we’re not afraid to approach what some would consider to be forbidden topics. We like to think outside of the box and question everything while staying true to ourselves.

Our goal with this post is to help Karen follow her heart and make decisions based on love rather that fear and guilt.

Hang on tight! This could get bumpy. We’re about to step outside the box and ask you to question beliefs that you may have never have thought to question before.

Don’t forget - take the poll at the end of this article to make your vote count on this incredibly controversial topic.

Background – Is this a bad relationship?

This question is a bit involved, so we’ll break it up into sections.

I was married for twelve years to a man (S) that deserted me twice. He also had numerous extra-marital infidelities. He took his stuff and left this last time about a year and a half ago. I tried and tried to talk to him but he refused to talk to me or answer my phone calls. I was just heartbroken. He was my second husband. My first husband wasn’t unfaithful, but he had an explosive temper and shouted and screamed at me. And even though he never actually hit me, I was afraid of him.

Anyway, seven months after my second husband left me I decided to try and move on with my life. I met a wonderful man (D). He was everything I had wanted – Caring, responsible, trustful and very loving. We started slowly, but after awhile I fell deeply in love with him. And he fell in love with me.

I hired an attorney. I filed for divorce. After I had been with D for around four months he proposed to me. I was very excited and accepted. I knew our relationship was perfect and we had a wonderful life ahead of us. We were doing everything together and I was so happy.

S somehow found out and started to phone me. He told me he wanted us to get back together. He told me he would never do any of the things he had done to me before. He said he had found God and was going to church now. He said that he was a changed man. He said I was still his wife and I owed him another chance to prove he had changed. He told me he was a broken man and was thinking about suicide. I finally allowed him to see me he cried and cried and pleaded with me telling me he had changed. I felt so guilty.

Love and Fear

Karen, while this is a very emotional situation, don’t allow yourself to feel guilty about anything another person does or experiences. They make their own choices in life and their experiences are their own. You can be understanding and empathize with the other person, but never, ever, make yourself responsible for what another person is experiencing.

You can control how you behave and respond to a situation, but that is where your control ends. Never let another person make you feel guilty. There is no right or wrong choice in life because we grow from each experience – some choices just work better for us than others. Even the ones that didn’t work out quite like you hoped provide the opportunity to grow.

Sometimes the best way to figure out what we want is to experience what we don’t want. Just try to learn from that experience so that you don’t keep repeating it. I’ve noticed that the Universe will keep sending you the same situation or experience over and over until you learn the lesson that you need to learn from that specific experience.

Our emotional scale has two extremes – love and fear.

In every situation – ask yourself if you’re acting out of love or fear, and always try to act out of love. Now that doesn’t mean letting someone walk all over you… You need to make decisions that feel right in your heart, in the core of your being, in your gut, however you want to explain it. Just make sure that you’re not making your decisions out of fear, anger, guilt, jealousy, revenge or any other negative emotion.

Others may react to your decisions with a negative emotion, but remember what we said in the beginning – You can only control your responses, not theirs. If another person chooses to respond to something you do with a negative emotion, that’s their decision and you can’t control what they do. You can only accept their reaction with love and understanding.

Make your life decisions based on what feels right for you. Many, but not all, will disagree with me, but the only person that you are ultimately responsible for in this life is you. Others come and go from your life so that you can further the experience of life, but you come into this life on your own and you leave on your own, so make sure that while your here you take care of YOU.

Religion and Guilt

I told D and my church counselor that if S really has changed then I thought I should give him another chance. My church counselor said I needed to forgive S and try again.

What else would a church counselor say? Your church counselor is bound by the rules and regulations of whichever religion he chooses to follow. And those rules and regulations are not always based on love, but are based on control. Having said that, forgiveness is the most powerful tool that you have in this life. I believe there’s a quote that goes something like… “Forgiveness is God’s gift to the forgiver, not the forgiven” – something like that. It’s very true because you let go of all the negative emotions around the situation whether or not the other person even knows that you forgave them. So whether or not your stay married, try to forgive him.

D was very upset and told me I was not thinking straight. He told me I had been emotionally abused through both my marriages and that S was manipulating me. D said that my marriage to S was over the minute he abandoned me. I still felt guilty.

There’s absolutely no reason for you to feel guilty. He left you. Remember? You are under no obligation to take him back – unless you wish to keep repeating that same pattern until you’ve learned everything you need to learn from it.

I went to psychiatric counseling with D and the doctor couldn’t understand why I considered going back to S. I felt such pressure and told D I needed some space to figure this out. He left me alone for about a month. Meanwhile S kept calling and following me. I finally agreed to go see my church counselor with S. The counselor said that we couldn’t rebuild our marriage if we lived apart. So I allowed S to move back in.

This may sound harsh, but I would ditch the church counselor. He does not have your best interest in mind. His only concern is that you follow the rules of the church, whether you’re happy or not. I believe that we are all here to experience happiness.

The doctrine of misery is fabricated by modern organized religion. They tell us that we have to suffer to be good people. Have you really read the Bible? I can’t find anywhere in the Bible that says we need to be miserable to be good people.

My interpretation of Jesus’ teachings and the Bible is that we should love and accept everyone and every experience that comes into our life unconditionally because life is perfection.

Sure, modern religion misquotes many specific passages in the Bible which have been translated by many different writers with many different perceptions through many different languages over thousands of years and tells us to follow their rules or go to Hell. I believe that Hell is defined by the self perpetrated misery that many people put themselves through each and every day. Hell is what we experience when we are not true to ourselves.

We don’t need religion to tell us what is right and wrong. As long as we come from a place of love and acceptance, we’ll always make the right decisions. That’s what we’re here to learn. I’ve never known a truly spiritual person who judges another person. Why would an all powerful God need to judge us – that would be like us judging the actions of ant in an anthill on a tiny island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean… OK, enough ranting on modern religion…

It wasn’t right. I knew it. After all the love and joy I had found in D I now was back in a very dark and unloving relationship. He follows me everywhere. He calls me on the cell phone constantly to make sure where I am. He checks my calls on the internet during the day. He times everything so if I am home late he wants to know why. I let him sleep in my bed, and I’ve allowed him to have sex with me but it makes me sick to do it.

After awhile D contacted me. He told me that our time apart was awful for him. I felt such love and excitement hearing from him. I had missed him so much. He said that he loved me more than ever. I love him more than anyone I have ever loved. I started seeing D whenever I could find an excuse to get away from S. We hold hands and kiss and the magic is greater than it ever was.

But S hounds me about everything I do. He intercepts and reads my mail and anything he doesn’t want me to have he takes. He tells me that God has forgiven him so now I have to just “Get over it”. He tells me now I’m the sinner because I love D.

And sometimes I wonder, is S acting this way only because he knows I love D?

I know what I am doing is wrong. At first I thought that if S has really changed that I had to give him another chance. Now I see that even if he does change, this is not the life I want. I want to be with D. But now I feel trapped. Also, S has got himself into great debt – Almost $80,000.00 on credit cards. I feel guilty just leaving him to get out of debt by himself. I feel I should help. I even thought of moving out and letting him live in my house until he gets back on his feet again. D tells me not to do that. D says that S got himself into this. It’s true, S caused and did everything.

Why do I still feel so sorry for him? I just don’t know what to do. I think going to church is such a good thing, but I’m not sure that they are giving me the right advice. I’m so confused. D tells me to pack a bag find a refuge for a while, tell S to leave and not talk to him anymore.

I think the only right thing I’ve done in all this is not to cancel my divorce. I’ve told D that I’m going to do something by the end of the month. I know the right thing to do is tell S to leave and continue my relationship with D. I’m going to try but it is so hard. S cries all the time and begs me not to “throw him away”.

Please give me some advice.

Go back and re-read the begining…

You are not responsible for another person’s decisions or experiences. He is going to have to deal with his own emotions and circumstances. If you feel compelled to help him and that resonates true to you, then help him.

Just don’t do it out of obligation, guilt, or fear.

Summary

It sounds to me like you already know what you’re doing is wrong for YOU…

• Follow your heart and do what you feel to be right.
• Stop listening to other people who are not on your path. You’ve heard the old saying to walk a mile in another’s shoes before judging them. Well, the fact is that no one has walked in your shoes, including us, and they have no right to tell you what is right or wrong for you.
• Stop repeating old patterns and stop punishing yourself for things that others perceive to be wrong. Follow your heart and your passions. Only then will you truly be happy.
• It is not your responsibility to make anyone else happy, but it IS your responsibility to make yourself happy.

First, answer this short poll to see where you fit in with the rest of the world on this incredibly controversial topic.

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