1. Photographer & Model

This is a fun one that you don’t really need any costumes, lingerie or props for, unless you want them. All you need is a camera and whether it’s on your phone, a fancy digital camera or a crappy webcam, you can still have tons of fun with this role play game. Take turns switching between the photographer and model roles, so each of you gets to take pictures of the other. Come up with sexy poses, or take close ups of your lover’s most intimate areas.

Have a blast looking over the photos afterwards – you can even run them through a free online photo editor if you don’t have one installed on your computer to make them look even better. Delete them or keep them, it doesn’t matter. Bonus points if you have a timer and a tripod and can do photos of you and your partner together. 

2. New Age Artist

Get some body paints (edible or not, depending on what you’d like to do with them) and pretend you’re a new age artist whose canvas is your lover’s naked body. Don’t be afraid to get really into your role play and create a real work of art. If you’re actually really artistic, all the better! You can even take photos of your work and bring a bit of the photographer/model sex game into this if you like. If your body paints are edible, have fun licking them off! Don’t forget to let your partner paint you as well.

3. Mermaid Fantasy

Any guy who has ever seen Daryl Hannah in the 1980′s movie Splash has a mermaid fantasy – guaranteed. Play up on this by either renting or buying a mermaid costume. Curl your hair with loose waves (or crimp it like Daryl Hannah’s – hey, it was the 80′s, remember?) and throw some beads or seashells in there if you can. Body glitter is also great for this too – use your imagination to create a really ethereal mermaid look.

This is also an excellent bathtub sex game, but if you’ve done a lot of work on your hair and makeup, you’ll probably want to engage in a fair amount of foreplay and fun before you get soaking wet.

4. Vampire & Prey

No, this is not the kind of sex game where you beg your partner to don orange-gold contacts, body glitter and suck on ice before he kisses you. Although if your partner is into that, go for it. A real vampire/prey role play borders a little bit on the BDSM side, and can easily become an excellent game of domination if you’re into that kind of thing.

Dress the part with black clothes and smoky dark makeup. A really pouty mouth with fire engine red lipstick will complete the look if you can pull it off. Or, if your partner would rather be dominant, let him get his Bram Stoker on and you play the helpless victim. However, if you plan on doing any real biting or bloodletting, make sure you observe some safety precautions first.

5. Storybook Characters

Many guys have a bit of a fetish for storybook characters like little red riding hood or many of the Disney Princesses. Seriously though, who didn’t think that Princess Jasmine was totally hot in Aladdin – especially in her slave-to-Jafar outfit? The Princess Leia slave outfit is also a HUGE fantasy among many guys. Let the princess inside you out and dress up in your man’s favorite character. Don’t be afraid to lay it on thick either!

Military/Drill Sergeant

Again, this is an excellent role play when you want to incorporate some submission and domination. You can often find old military clothes at surplus outlets or warehouses, and they’re often pretty inexpensive. Have fun ordering your man to do push ups for you, or other naughty things like perform oral sex on you. If you like to be the submissive one, let your partner have fun ordering you around! Bonus points if you can “roll around in the grass” and get a little dirty too.

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Once you’ve gotten used to using words and dirty talk in the bedroom, couples sometimes choose to venture into role playing. This can allow your dirty talk to evolve further because you’ve changed the dynamics and this opens up more opportunities to converse in a sexual setting.

Hot Role Play Examples!

• Prisoner and Warden’s daughter
• Professor and Naughty School Girl
• Headmistress and Pupil
• Adam and Eve
• Cowboy and Cowgirl at the Rodeo
• Nurse and Patient
• Doctor and Patient
• Hollywood Starlet and Producer (imagine the casting couch audition)
• The Professor and Maryann
• Boss and the Sexy Secretary
• Police Officer and the Traffic Stop (works for either sex being in charge)
• Stripper and Club Patron
• Photographer and Model
• Rock Star and Groupie

More Great Ideas….

Take the initiative and surprise him by handcuffing him to the bed (you can use silk scarves if you don’t have the real thing) and tell him he’s under arrest!

Advise him of his rights – that he’s not allowed to do anything but watch as you pleasure yourself. After you’ve put on quite a show for him and you have had an orgasm for him, ask him if he wants to be freed from the handcuffs so he can join in, but make him work for it! He’ll need to convince you of why he should be set free – maybe you’ll let him off for some “good behavior,” or just make him beg!!

Dress Up & Holidays

Take role playing a step further by dressing up. People use Halloween as a time to throw on an outfit and for an evening pretend like they are someone else. Imagine your wife in a sexy little Fireman’s outfit – while you lay in the bed screaming that you’re on fire and wait for her to come to your rescue. There are so many themes you can use and you can purchase affordable costumes online or make your own.

For some people, you can lower your inhibitions by playing dress up and getting to act like you are someone you’re not with an outfit sometimes makes it easier to throw a few words around that you might not say on a normal encounter.

You can work other holidays besides Halloween to your advantage as well. On Valentine’s Day set the mood by changing out the light bulbs in your bedroom to the red ones they sell at party supply stores. Surprise him or her with chocolates and champagne in bed and a homemade card with a dirty talk story that you’ve written about how you want to celebrate the night.Chris

Christmas Ideas

The whole month of December can be used for Christmas ideas. Stick a sprig of mistletoe into the belt loops of his pants with a little dirty talk note telling him in great detail where you plan to kiss him once he gets home from work. It will be a tough day at the office for him to think of anything else besides quitting time.

Wrap your headboard in Christmas lights and your partner when he or she is heading home from the office or puling into the driveway with a little dirty talk. Tell your beloved that you have blown a fuse and that the lights are not working in your bedroom. Once he or she arrives home to check out the situation, be waiting and using your best dirty talk let him or her know that the only real outlet in the room is waiting to be plugged into by the electrifying, red hot cock!

Any holiday can work to your advantage. Think outside the box! Be creative.

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Foot Fetish

People with a foot fetish get sexually aroused by women’s feet. A foot fetish and a shoe fetish are often mistaken for one another – people with a shoe fetish are sexually aroused by shoes and feet in them, but usually not by feet in general. Those with a foot fetish are the exact opposite – they are sexually aroused by feet, which may or may not include footwear. This could be in the form of just looking at feet, licking and sucking on them or involving them in sexual activity.

Role Playing

Tons of people enjoy role playing, whether they’re avid BDSM enthusiasts or couples that could be considered relatively “vanilla.” Role play is so much fun, because it allows you to experience different sexual fantasies without going too far outside your box (or outside your relationship). Some sex role play fantasies include:

• Hot nurse (or doctor), ailing patient
• Teacher, naughty student
• Sexy cop, person getting arrested

Breasts

It’s no secret that a big number of guys have a breast fetish! Most guys absolutely love breasts and will watch porn that features women with large breasts or sexual acts taking place with breasts, and they’ll also pay special attention to their lover’s breasts during sex. Some guys will enjoy grossly enlarged breasts (we’re talking HUGE), while others just like ones that are pretty big. Men with breast fetishes may have a particular interest in nipples, but not all of them will.

Butts

It’s also not at all uncommon for some guys to be aroused by butts – especially the nice, large, round variety. Most guys with a special attraction towards butts are going to enjoy rear entry sex positions. They may also really like anal sex. Interestingly enough, there are many guys who are “butt guys” and many guys who are “breast” guys, but very few men (if any) are actually both.

Public Sex

People love the idea of having public sex. There’s just something about having sex around other people – who could possibly see you – that seriously gets people off! Some couples may role play the idea of having public sex – or choose to do it somewhere really discreet where it’s almost impossible to get caught – while others really will get it on out in the open, without regard to getting caught. For some, the idea of getting caught (and actually getting caught) is the biggest turn on of all.

Shoe Fetish

Again, a shoe fetish is a largely popular form of sexual gratification – but it is often mistaken for a foot fetish. A shoe fetish is going to be specifically centered around shoes (and sometimes feet in them). The shoes are almost always high heels, and often very “bondag-ey” looking. Fetish footwear often includes lots of straps, buckles and leather! Some shoe enthusiasts feel like the higher the heel, the better.

Piercings & Tattoos

People have long linked pain with pleasure, and many people will say that there’s a fine line between the two. It’s not hard to figure out that there’s a lot of people on this planet that enjoy not only getting piercings and tattoos, but being around other people that have them as well. However, did you know that a lot of people who enjoy piercings and tattoos get sexually aroused by them? They will be more inclined to have sex with someone that is pierced or tattooed than someone who isn’t, and may even be sexually aroused by the process of getting tattooed or pierced.

Domination & Submission

This is also one of the more popular forms of BDSM & fetishes, because so much fun can be had if you’re creative with domination and submission. Some people have a personality that leans more towards a dominant nature, while others will have a more submissive personality. This can work really well in couples, because dominant and submissive personalities will usually feed off each other.

Rough Sex

This goes back to pleasure being linked to pain. Many couples enjoy BDSM and rough sex, which may include:

• Slapping
• Spanking
• Biting
• Restraints
• Hard and fast penetration that typically goes deeper than “normal”

Certain Fabrics

Believe it or not, it’s not at all uncommon for people to be aroused by the feel and texture of certain fabrics when they rub up against the skin. This can include:

• Satin
• Silk
• Leather
• Rubber
• Velvet

People who are sexually aroused by different kinds of fabric will often have pajamas, lingerie or their sheets that are made of this particular fabric.

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Domination Vs. Submission

Very few people enjoy both domination and submission, so it’s safe to say you generally like one or the other. Now, domination and submission doesn’t always involve BDSM or sex escapades that are really out there. You can definitely experiment with dominant and submissive roles in the bedroom without getting too crazy.

Are You A Dominant Personality?

Think about what turns you on – do you like being in a position of power over your partner? Do you like to tell your partner what to do to you? If so, you may have a dominant personality. If you know you have a little bit of a dominant personality, take it a step further in the bedroom and really bring out your alter ego. No, you don’t have to bring out the whips and chains. Here are some easy ways to experiment with domination without going too far.

• Order your partner around. Have them do sexy things for you or to you.
• Try light spanking. Tell your partner that they’ve been “naughty” and need reprimanding.
• Experiment with a little bondage. A silk tie makes a great blindfold or impromptu handcuffs. You don’t have to bring out the heavy duty rope to have a little fun with tying your partner up or taking away their sense of sight.

Are You A Submissive Personality?

If the idea of being dominant over your partner just doesn’t do it for you, but the idea of them being a little dominant over you intrigues you, you may be more of a submissive personality. Think about receiving a spanking from your lover or having your lover tell you what to do to them. Does it turn you on? If the idea sparks some interest but you’ve never tried it before, here are some ways to start to bring out your submissive personality.

• Tell your partner that you’ve been very, very “bad” and need to be reprimanded. See if they catch your drift.
• Let your partner gently tie your hands behind your back while they tease you, leaving you helpless to stop what they’re doing to you.
• Get on your hands and knees in front of your partner. Crawl towards him slowly before unzipping his pants for a blowjob.
• Let your partner use sex toys on you. This can be even more fun with a blindfold because you’re not sure what they’re going to use next!

Playing Pretend

You may think that playing pretend is for kids, but you can turn it into sex games to make it a more adult activity. Think about different roles that would work with your inner personality. For example:

Fun Role Play For A Dominant Personality

• Have your partner be a “dog” while you be the owner. This is a great role to use when you want your partner to perform oral sex on you.
• Act out a teacher/student fantasy. Give your partner a test and then tell them that they failed it and you need to “tutor” them on how to do it correctly.
• Be a dirty cop. “Arrest” your partner for a crime and keep them hostage until they “earn” their way to freedom.
• Try being a sexy nurse. Have your partner assume the role of a wounded patient that needs your immediate “medical” attention.
• Capitalize on the recent craze in vampires and approach your partner wearing a pair of sexy fangs. Let them know you’re not out to suck their blood though – and you can prove it by showing them what you do want to suck on!

Fun Role Play For A Submissive Personality

• Act as a French maid, or a maid of any kind. Clean up after your partner, or “serve” them sexually.
• Try adopting the personality of a “school girl.” This can be with or without an outfit, but an outfit will make you look and feel more submissive to your lover in this role.
• Look for a Princess Leia slave costume and act out the role with your partner. Surprisingly, a ton of guys – especially Star Wars fans – dig this sex fantasy.
• Have your partner act out the part of a sexy firefighter that rescues you from a burning building or from being trapped in a car.
• Don an Indian girl costume and have your partner assume the role of “John Smith.”
• Be Little Red Riding Hood while your partner acts as  the wolf – and completely takes you over.

Bring In Costumes

While you may feel a little shy about wearing a sexy costume, but even just a few props can make the role play feel more realistic and be a lot more fun! Even home made costumes can really make a difference! Consider getting a few things to make your role play more fun, such as a red cloak to be Little Red Riding Hood or a sexy police costume to act out the role of a dirty cop. If you can’t get your hands on an adult costume, here are some easy things you can grab from your house and turn into a sexy prop:

• A white dress shirt can be tied at the waist and paired with a skirt for a “sexy school girl” outfit.
• A bikini with a few silk ivy leaves glued to it can easily make a sexy “Eve” costume for an Adam and Eve role play.
• A cut up sheet can suffice as a Pocahontas or Indian outfit.
• Check out thrift stores in your area – you’ll be surprised at what you can find if you use your imagination!

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Fantasy Is Crucial To Great Sex

The physical aspect of sex certainly feels fantastic, but that’s not all there is when it comes to getting busy with your lover. Fantasies are incredibly important to sex that is out of this world, especially from a woman’s perspective. A guy can simply have intercourse and completely enjoy it for what it is, while a woman’s mind must be involved for your partner to even become sexually aroused in the first place.

By getting your lover to start having fantasies with you as the main subject, you’re getting the mind and imagination working. Stimulating your lover’s imagination is crucial to getting your partner to enjoy sex (and to really let go of inhibitions so YOU can enjoy it too) and it’s extremely difficult to get a woman turned on without getting the imagination involved first. If she’s using you to fuel sex fantasies, she’s halfway turned on before you ever hit the sheets.

Foreplay Isn’t Just Physical

Foreplay isn’t just about giving your partner oral sex or kissing them passionately. A huge part of foreplay before sex is the anticipation, the excitement and the fantasies about what is going to happen. That’s actually what makes having sex with someone new so awesome – you’re excited about it and the anticipation is sometimes better than the actual sex itself.

Step 1: Become Your Partner’s Fantasy

Start by finding out what kind of guy really trips your lover’s trigger. Does she love the idea of a police officer, who can assert his authority? Or does she like the idea of a different kind of man in uniform, such as a mechanic or a handyman? Find out whatever your girl’s fantasy is and develop a separate sexual persona that involves some kind of role play with the type of man that really gets your partner off.

Doing this will make it much easier for your girl to think of you sexually if she can see you in the role that she’s already attracted to. Essentially, you are becoming the man of your woman’s fantasies.

Step 2: Get A Great Body

A lot of people may think that focusing too much on physical appearance is shallow, but having a great body is actually incredibly important if you want your girl to think about having sex with you. The reality is, you care about how you look, she cares about how she looks and you both care about how you look to each other.

Having a great body will also make you feel much more confident about the way you look. You’ll be able to let go of your inhibitions more easily, and feel more confident when your partner looks at you in all of your naked glory. Being in great physical shape also gives you more energy and stamina to last longer in bed! Feeling great about the way you look and feeling strong and healthy on the inside will make sex that much more pleasurable and it’s simply just a better quality of life.

Step 3: Master The Skill Of Dirty Talk

Understanding how to get your partner aroused is an important part of getting her to think of you. Since a woman gets aroused with the mind first, work on mastering the skill of dirty talk. Dirty talk is like an “on” switch to the part of your woman’s brain that processes sex and even a few simple phrases such as, “I can’t wait until you get home tonight” or “You’ll never guess what I’m going to do to you as soon as I get my hands on you.”

What you’re doing here is turning the switch on and then leaving your partner to imagine what you’re going to do until you actually get to do it. You’ll also want to master the skill of emotional talk, such as telling your lover how she steals your breath when she walks into the room or how much you love the fact that she’s yours and only yours…to do with what you please. Be creative and come up with phrases that will really get your girl thinking – of YOU!

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Watch A Few Porn Videos Together

Sit down with your partner and watch a few adult movies together. Figure out what you like and what you don’t like. Decide what looks hot and looks like you might want to try, and decide what you want to keep off screen. For example, don’t videotape your first time engaging in anal sex. That just won’t go well. Figure out what you want to do first, next and then how you want to finish up. Don’t be afraid to write it down. Professionals have a script and a storyboard, why can’t you?

Consider Hiring A Trusted Friend

One of the best things about real porn is that the camera goes in and out, focusing on different aspects of what the couple on screen is doing and grabbing those awesome close ups. You just aren’t going to achieve that with a standing tripod. If you want one camera angle, or don’t have anyone that you feel close enough with to ask this favor, a tripod will be fine.

However, if you want a film that turns out really great, consider hiring a close friend that you trust (perhaps even one with some knowledge of video cameras and filming techniques) to film you and your lover getting down. The finished product will most likely turn out much, much better and you’ll get views of you and your partner that you’ve never had before.

Invest In A Good Camera

No, the video camera on your cell phone isn’t going to work this time. If you don’t already have a good video camera, it may be time to invest in one before you start filming an amateur porn. It may be a pricey investment, however, you’ll be very glad you spent the money when you view the end result. Poor quality video cameras tend to be grainy or pixelated, making it difficult for you to see what’s really going on in the movie. When detail is important, a good camera is essential. Why would you want to tape a homemade porn when you’re not going to be able to see saliva on your partner’s penis as you give him a blowjob or vice versa when he’s giving you oral sex?

Make Sure You Have The Right Lighting

Lighting plays a very important part in any movie, and porn is no exception. Porn lighting can be tricky though, because you want enough light to make sure the camera picks up on everything, but you don’t want the fluorescent kind that highlights your every flaw. You can rent some lighting setups from your local rental agency, or you can purchase a few cheap floodlights from a hardware or home building store.

Buy An Outfit (Or Two)

Don’t wear your old, ratty pajamas when you shoot a homemade porn. Instead, spend a few extra bucks and get something nice for both you and your partner to wear. Lingerie, of course, looks great on camera, but it’s very important that you find something that flatters your body type. If you can fit into a garter belt and a pair of stockings without a muffin top hanging out, good for you. Go for it! However, if you’re a little bigger, you’ll want to buy something that flatters you.

Not so fond of your stomach? Try a baby doll top with sheer, filmy organza that flutters over your stomach and rests on your hips. Don’t like your arms but think your legs are bangin? Splurge on a minidress with tight long sleeves that rests just below where your butt and your legs meet. High heels or stilettos are a must for women, simply because no matter what you’re wearing, they’ll make your legs look fantastic.

Grooming

Grooming before shooting a porn is important, because you want to look your best. Of course, hair and makeup is a must but what about body makeup? Find a color of concealer or foundation that matches your body’s skin tone and use it to cover up blemishes on your legs and arms. You’d be surprised at how a bruise that you didn’t even know you had shows up on film after the fact.

You’ll also want to trim or shave your pubic hair, legs and armpits. Men may want to trim or shave their chest hair, depending on what you want to look like on film.

Use Editing Software

So your video is filmed and you’re ready to make the finished product. Consider purchasing or downloading video editing software to help you in the process. With editing software, you really can turn something mediocre into something fabulous. Just being able to cut out the scenes that you’re not happy with is well worth it right there, not counting the countless other cool features that can give your video that “wow” factor.

Above all, make sure that you’re filming a porn with someone that you trust and don’t allow copies to be made that aren’t expressly agreed upon by both of you. Remember to have fun and if you and your partner split, make sure the tape and any copies (digital or otherwise) are destroyed. Next time you and your lover want to heat things up, throw in your homemade porn and watch you and your lover get it on!

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While erotic humiliation isn’t generally as dangerous as activities like erotic asphyxiation, it can be just as fascinating to see exactly what gets different people off. What is erotic humiliation, what does it involve and how would you introduce it or an alternative in the bedroom?

What Is Erotic Humilation?

Erotic humilation is a form of BDSM defined by Wikipedia as the “consensual use of psychological humiliation in a sexual context, whereby one person gains arousal or erotic excitement from the powerful emotions of being humiliated and demeaned, or of humiliating another; often (but not always) in conjunction with sexual stimulation of one or both partners in the activity.”

Depending on whether someone has a dominant or submissive personality, the act of being humiliated or humiliating another during sex can be very arousing for both partners. Rarely does a person enjoy both humiliating and being humiliated and many sexual partnerships are formed because one partner prefers domination while the other prefers submission.

The Difference Between Humiliation And Domination

Many people may confuse erotic humiliation with domination and other forms of BDSM, because the roles are very similar. There is, however, a simple distinction between the two. Those who enjoy dominating others enjoy “commanding” or “ordering” their submissive partner do do something, and the submissive partner enjoys being “commanded” to do something. With humiliation, the dominant partner enjoys verbally or physically belittling their partner, and the submissive partner enjoys being belittled and humiliated just as much.

Verbal Means Of Erotic Humiliation

Depending on the agreement between the dominant and submissive partners, verbal belittlement may or may not be an accepted part of humiliation. However, it is much more common to see verbal belittlement in a humiliation situation than a great deal of physical humiliation. Verbal belittlement during sex might include:

• Being a human “pet,” complete with collar and leash. This may include eating or drinking out of a pet bowl or off the floor.
• Name calling such as “slave” or “whore”
• Belittling the body, suggesting that it is “dirty” or “ugly”
• Men who enjoy being humiliated may enjoy their partners belittling their penis size
• Asking for permission to eat or use the restroom
• Being verbally mocked or ridiculed

Physical Means Of Erotic Humiliation

When couples desire more than verbal belittlement offers, they may decide to move into more physical means of humiliation. This can be something as mild as spanking or can be very extreme. When combined with sexual activities and verbal belittlement, the humiliation factor can be very powerful. Many dom/sub couples may choose to forgo the physical aspect, or they may participate with a lighter attitude. Physical humiliation might include activities like:

• Being slapped on the rear or in the face
• Having the hair pulled
• Ejaculating in the face or on the body
• Being required to perform oral sex on the dominant partner without getting anything in return
• Being forced to worship the body of the dominant partner
• Physical punishment such as spanking or whipping when the submissive partner is “disobedient”
• Torture of the nipples or the genitals

How To Approach Erotic Humilation In Your Relationship

If you’re interested in erotic humilation, you may be unsure of how to approach the subject with your partner. Remember that while being open and honest about your sex fantasies is extremely important, going slow and giving your partner time to warm up to the idea is even more so.

The first step is to determine which of you has a dominant personality and which of you has a submissive one. If you and your lover are both dominant or both submissive, erotic humiliation is generally something that won’t work well in your sexual relationship. Ease into it slowly, by introducing one new concept at a time and only when your partner seems ready for it.

If You’re A Sub

• Offer to be you lover’s sex slave for the day and see what happens
• Tell your partner you’d love to be spanked during sex
• Come to bed wearing a collar
• Experiment with handcuffs and bondage
• Ask him to call you his “slut” or his “whore”

If You’re A Dom

• Pinch your partner’s nipples during sex (not too hard without the green light first)
• Ask your partner if they’ll be your sex slave for the day
• Go shopping with your partner for sexy accessories, like collars or tiaras
• Ask your partner to give you a blowjob or go down on you without reciprocation
• Ask your partner to let you ejaculate on their face

Special Note: Never be derogatory or dominant towards your partner without their knowing and consent first. Not letting your lover in on what’s going on before verbally belittling them or physically humiliating them will only end very, very badly.

Pubic Humiliation

Another aspect of erotic humiliation which may be arousing to both partners is public humiliation. Sometimes, consenting partners will use verbal belittlement in public and very rarely will they humiliate physically in public. However, some couples may be part of groups that also enjoy this activity and may have “sex parties” in where one or more subs are humiliated in front of the crowd.

Alternatives To Extreme Humiliation

If the idea of humiliating your partner or being humiliated turns you on, but you’re not ready to go to the extreme with it, start small and work your way up. Alternatives to more aggressive forms of humiliating might be:

• Nibbling or biting your partner
• Spanking or asking to be spanked
• Light bondage
• Dirty talk with a dash of humiliation thrown in
• Online or long distance humiliating

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She Wants To Teach You A Lesson

It’s a good bet that your partner wants to teach you a sexy lesson. The teacher/student fantasy is one that a lot of women (and men) have and it’s an easy one to do. You don’t have to have any special costumes or spend money on anything to get started. Call her “Mrs. ____” and ask her to “teach” you how to give her oral sex or finger her. See if she gives you “detention” for being a bad boy!

She Wants To Do It With Someone She’s Never Met

Sex with a stranger is something every woman fantasizes about at one time or another. While you probably don’t want to see her go out and bang someone she’s never met before, you can play into her fantasy with just a little bit of dirty talk. When she comes home from work and the two of you sit down for dinner, introduce yourself to her and tell her that you’ve been eyeing her from across the room and would love to meet her. If she plays along, lead her to the bathroom for a quick and dirty romp.

She Wants You To Pull Her Hair

In many cultures, women are taught to be submissive to men. In fact, the desire to be submissive to a man stems from generations and generations ago when women had to rely on men for many more things than they do now. Play into your partner’s desire to be dominated by you and tug her hair a little when she gives you a blowjob. If she likes it, make a point to spank her a little when you start getting busy!

She Wants To Tie You Up

A part of her wants to be dominated by you, but the other part of her wants to dominate you. Chances are, she’s fantasized at one point or another about doing bondage with you and tying you up while she has her way with you. Since this is probably something you would love her to do as well, introduce her to it by wearing a blindfold to bed (a silk tie or scarf works well) and handing her a pair of handcuffs or a tie for your hands. This also works well if you do it on her first and then let her do it to you!

She Wants To Have Sex In Public

Most women dream about having sex in public, but they’ve never taken the chance in real life to actually do it. Satisfy her desire for exhibitionism by taking her somewhere you can have sex (check out these amazing sex places) or surprising her next time she’s in the dressing room at the mall.

She Wants To Play With Your Prostate

Sure, she’s given you an amazing orgasm by just giving you a blowjob or a handjob. But she’s probably read about the “male g-spot” or a man’s prostate and how much better an orgasm can be for a guy with a little prostate massage thrown in. She’s most likely fantasized about being the first one to touch you there, or about being the woman that can give you the most amazing orgasms. Let her insert her finger next time she goes down on you and see what happens!

She Wants You To Rim Her

A lot of women fantasize about their partners going down on them, but her idea of great oral sex and your idea of giving great oral sex may be very different. Lots of girls imagine their guys going down on them and putting their tongue everywhere and exploring places that have never been licked or sucked before. Satisfy her craving for amazing oral sex by spreading her legs and letting your tongue go places it has never gone before instead of just licking her clitoris.

She Wants You To Talk Dirty To Her

Almost every woman has fantasized about dirty talk at one time or another. She wants to hear exactly how good it feels when she touches you, licks you or gives you a handjob. She also wants to hear how much you love doing things to her!

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What She Said

Heck no, that’s not weird! In fact, I bet your boyfriend will be kissing your feet. A girl who wants to dress up in adult costumes? I’m sure he’ll be thrilled to know that he not only gets you as you are, but also has a sexy kitten, nurse, French maid, school girl, cheerleader and witch all coming to visit! If he, for whatever reason, expresses discomfort then there will be some compromises ahead – but my guess is that your revelation will be greeted with a big smile and a little (or a lot) of foreplay.

What He Said

Would it be weird to ask him if it’s okay to wear adult costumes? Well, all that depends on the costumes. If you want to dress up like Chester A. Arthur or The Queen of England and have a historically accurate 19th century tea party, then yes, yes it is in fact weird. Unless of course he has a fetish for Medieval English History Reenactments and then no, it’s not weird. Well, the asking him to dress up part. The rest is most certainly off, to put it nicely.

What Adult Costumes Are Appropriate For The Bedroom?

If however, you want to dress up as a naughty nurse, a naughty doctor, a naughty cheerleader (you can also substitute the word ‘naughty’ with ‘slutty,’ ‘whore-y’ or ‘nympho’) and you think that it is weird to ask him if you want to wear those costumes for him, I have to wonder what exactly is wrong with you.

Are you afraid he’s going to take the kids and leave the country because he can’t believe what a foul mouth deviant you are? Are you afraid it will ruin his chances for running for office? Are you finding your sexual desires incompatible with your religion (if it makes you feel any better, the people who are in charge of your religion have way more f’d up sexual fantasies than you do).

Why He’ll Love Your Adult Costumes

The point here is that there’s no way your man will have a problem with you wearing sexy adult costumes for you. If he does, then he’s gay and just not ready to come out of the closet. Seriously. He may have a slight problem wearing costumes for you because, well, men feel weird rocking the banana hammock (or speed to the lay person).

He may not feel secure or comfortable in his body because he doesn’t fit the Fabio body type, or maybe he’s never done this kind of thing before. Just work with him on it and let him know you are into him and that this will make you want to do him more. That should eradicate any resistance he has to the idea, if he has any to begin with. If all else fails, offer him anal sex. That always works.

I really think this is less about how to get your man to go along with role playing and more about getting you to feel comfortable about it. There’s nothing wrong with it. You can be in a happy long term relationship (or not), monogamous (or not), and good parents (or childless) and still be freaks and whores in the bedroom. In fact, I encourage it.

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If you and your partner are both consenting adults, you can pretty much do anything you want behind closed doors! You can experiment with kink if you’ve never done it before by trying a little light bondage with a pair of fuzzy handcuffs or role playing your favorite fantasies. You might be surprised at how much fun you and your lover can have if you learn to let go a little! If you’ve already made the dive into kink and are ready to try something a little hotter, try using a mouth gag or whip.

You can also explore really different fetishes, like a diaper fetish or domination. BDSM and kink is all about what turns you and your partner on – regardless of what anyone else considers to be “strange” or “weird.” This past year, we’ve done some research on the kinkiest fantasies and the best dirty sex tips that are out there. Here’s our top picks for the best kink tips of the year!

• How To Deal With Your Partner’s Secret Diaper Fetish
• Q&A: BDSM – How To Introduce Your Partner To Domination (Video)
• How To Introduce Your Girl To Bondage (Video)
• Q&A: How To Fantasize Without Sounding Like A Pervert (Video)
• When Orgasms Are Dangerous – What Is Erotic Asphyxiation?
• Q&A: My Girlfriend Wants To Do Me With A Strap On (Video)
• BDSM Around The House – Things You Can Use For BDSM That You Already Have!

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Question: I like kinky sex but he doesn’t. How can I get him to maybe try it?

–YouTube Viewer

Kinky Sex Is All About Perspective

What is kinky to some is completely benign to others, so keep that in mind when trying to introduce your boyfriend or girlfriend to kinky sex. For example, some people may think that simply having sex with the lights on is super kinky, while others delve deep into kink with lots of bondage and BDSM. Think about what you are wanting your partner to try and what they’ve tried before – is there a big difference between the two? Are you wanting him to try sex with a strap on when all he’s ever done is light bondage? If this is the case, think about toning down your idea of kink to better match what he’s tried already so you’re not too outside of his comfort zone.

Respect His Boundaries

Everyone has their boundaries when it comes to kinky sex, and it’s important for two people in a relationship to respect those boundaries. You may be very into kink, but there is someone somewhere out there that is probably into doing some things that you definitely wouldn’t be comfortable with. Imagine if you were in a relationship with someone who wanted to push your boundaries and try to convince you to do something that made you really uncomfortable – you definitely wouldn’t appreciate it and it would probably do harm to the relationship. So think about the situation in reverse. You may think your idea of “kink” is ok, but your partner may not. It all goes back to each person’s perspective – there is no “standard guideline” for what is ok and what isn’t. It all depends on the person and where their boundaries are. So it’s definitely important to respect your partner’s boundaries and avoid pushing him too far past them. If you push them too hard to try kinky sex, they may run the other way.

Finding The Right Approach

How you approach the topic with your partner is critical to whether or not they will actually be open to trying what you want them to try. Talk to him about how to spice up your sex life is important, but doing it at the right time and in the right way will make the most difference. Don’t try to talk to him about it while you’re having sex, right before you have sex or even right after. Get it? Have the conversation completely outside of the bedroom, at a time when you’re both relaxed and enjoying spending time together. Avoid being critical of your partner at all costs – this is not a “Why won’t you do this, there’s nothing wrong with it” conversation. If he even smells a hint of criticism in your words, he will lock up and probably won’t hear a word that you say. Instead, approach the topic by letting him know how much a particular activity turns you on and how much it turns you on to imagine doing it with them.

Modify Your Kink

So you want to try tying him to a chair and having your way with him – but he’s never so much as tried light bondage before. Consider modifying whatever you want to try a little bit and tone it down. This may make him more comfortable with trying it and you can eventually work your way up to heavy bondage and BDSM by taking baby steps to get there. Remember that kinky sex is again, all about perspective, and you’ll have a better chance of getting your partner to try something different if you make it a little more benign. Instead of going all out with handcuffs and rope (if bondage is your thing), try simply tying his wrists with a scarf or silk necktie. He will be more open to it if it seems really harmless – and then trying something else even more kinky won’t seem so bad!

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Wear A Garter Belt

It’s true – a garter belt is the stuff that most men’s fantasies are made of. Garter belts simply say, “I’m naughty! Let’s do naughty things together.” Slip a garter belt on under your favorite outfit when you’re going to dinner and afterwards, slip it off and let your man marvel at what’s underneath. Just make sure you don’t take it off when you do the deed – and leave your heels on too for good measure. Almost naked sex can sometimes be even better than fully naked sex if you do it right.

Have Confidence

Confidence is super sexy. No matter what you’re doing in the bedroom, whether you’re giving him a handjob, a blowjob or just having sex, act confident about what you’re doing and your skills in the bedroom. Don’t be so quick to turn out the lights or bury your face in his shoulder during your orgasm. Instead, let the confident, sexy woman in you out to play.

Look Him In The Eyes

Looking your man in the eyes is a great way to show him confidence and make him see you as a super sex vixen. Instead of closing your eyes when giving him a blowjob or having sex, look him in the eyes and let him know how much you’re enjoying it.

Lick Up And Down His Body

Instead of just keeping your tongue on his lips – or in his pants – lick up and down his body as though you just can’t get enough. Start with his toes and work your way up, going as slow or as fast as feels good. He’ll love the feel of your tongue in places he hasn’t felt before, such as on his legs and his chest.

Play Innocent

Introduce a little role play in the bedroom by suggesting to your partner that you’re “innocent” and need him to teach you how to do naughty things. Bat your eyelashes and look up at him coyly, all while doing very naugty and sexy things to him down there. He’ll really enjoy showing you all the things you’ve “never done before.”

Masturbate In Front Of Him

Most women cringe at the idea of getting caught masturbating by their guy, let alone masturbate in front of him. But guys love masturbation (heck, they do it all the time) and watching you do it is the ultimate turn on. Show him how you like to be touched by touching yourself, and don’t hold back when it comes to having an orgasm. Bonus points if you are able to ejaculate! You just might open your eyes after the big “O” and notice that he’s been touching himself too!

Try Anal Sex

If you’ve never tried anal sex before (and aren’t against it for some reason) try introducing a little anal play in the bedroom. You can start small with small anal sex toys such as tiny butt plugs or super skinny vibrators, or you can use your fingers. Just don’t forget to use a very generous amount of lube before you try anything having to do with the anus. It’s definitely not self lubricating like the vagina is. The appeal of anal sex is that it’s so “taboo” and it’s something that you’re “not supposed to be doing.”

The Reverse Cowgirl Sex Position

Men are visual creatures and having something to look at while they’re having sex can make sex absolutely explosive for him. Turning the lights on while having sex is a daring but very rewarding move, but if you really want to be sinful in the bedroom, try the reverse cowgirl sex position. This sex position involves the woman being on top, but reversing herself so that she is facing his feet. Many women are apprehensive about letting their guy see all their lady bits up close and personal, but this is where a good dose of confidence comes in. He’s going to absolutely love watching you slide up and down his penis, no matter what!

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Cliche Costumes Make The Best Ones

Sure, you may think a sexy nurse or police officer is cliche, but these are actually some of the sexiest and hottest costumes available! Everyone loves a nurse in garters or a police officer in tall leather boots. If you think that by picking a common sexy costume that you’ll show up at a party wearing the same costume as someone else, think again. Many websites offer different versions of the same costume, so you can choose the one that’s just a little bit different than all the rest! You’ll love being the center of attention at any halloween party, and of course, you’ll want to incorporate your costume into the bedroom at home and give your partner amazing sex!

Spice Up Your Costume With A Wig

If you really want to be different on Halloween, try looking for a wig to go with your sexy costume. Have you picked out a sexy genie costume? Try going with a blond ponytail instead of your long brown hair. If you’ve picked something darker, such as a police officer, a mafia girl or even a hot assassin, why not go for a short, razor cut dark bob? Pairing wigs with your costume can take your look from “sure, that looks good” to “Damn! Who is that girl?!?” Taking your sexy costume to the next level with a wig is a bit like taking your normal sex routine up a notch with oral sex. It just adds that little something extra!

Plus-Size Sexy Costumes

Don’t think that you can’t wear a sexy costume just because you’re a little bigger around the middle. Most websites have plus size versions of their best costumes, so you can choose the costume that best flatters your body shape – it’s kind of like selecting the right size condom for your partner’s penis. Don’t want your spare tire to hang out? Choose a one-piece sexy nurse costume instead of the two-piece, or add a black leather bodice to your police costume to help cover up your flaws and make you look thinner! A one piece sexy school girl outfit can flatter a lot of body shapes, but perhaps the best costume for large tummies and busts is a barmaid-type costume. A full skirt will hide your thighs and a criss-cross bodice will cover up your midsection. A ruffled top enhances a large bust, so you can flaunt your assets while hiding what you don’t like about yourself. Finding a costume that you feel comfortable in (and that you can have sex in any sex position in without worrying about what’s hanging out) is the key to looking great on Halloween. Confidence and knowing you look good in whatever you choose to wear is what will turn heads and make you feel like a Halloween sex vixen!

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What Is A Diaper Fetish?

A diaper fetish is a strong like or even obsession with diapers. These people are often called “diaper lovers” or “DL’s” for short, and while it may seem at first that the diaper lover is into pedophilia or infantophilia, they’re absolutely not. In fact, pedophiles and infantophiles are very much shunned by the diaper loving community. Some diaper lovers enjoy using diapers during sex and enjoy their partners wearing diapers during sex, however, others may not feel that diapers are sexual at all. These types of diaper lovers are often called “adult babies” and simply enjoy wearing diapers because they feel or look good to them. Adult babies may also enjoy wearing child-like pajamas, playing with children’s toys or even sucking on pacifiers. A diaper fetish is actually no different from a foot fetish, a smoking fetish, a cross dressing fetish or any other type of fetish.

So Do I Try It?

If your partner has confessed to you that he would like to wear a diaper during sex or would like to see you wearing a diaper during sex, you may be taken aback or even a little freaked out. This is very normal for people who don’t have much experience with fetishes at all or have never heard of a diaper fetish. It may take you some time to get used to the idea and get comfortable with the fact that your partner is a “diaper lover,” let alone considering trying it yourself. Stop and think about it though. Your partner’s sex fantasy could be something that really brings you and your partner together emotionally and sexually. Or it could be something that drives a wedge between the two of you. Your partner may not break up with you or leave you because you’re uncomfortable with trying his fantasy, however, it’s always going to be hanging out in the back of his mind. You have the opportunity to make his wildest fantasies come true and be a sex goddess in his eyes. If it’s not hurting anybody, why not?  However, after giving the subject some deep thought, if you’re really and truly uncomfortable with it, don’t let your partner pressure you into anything you don’t want to do.

Going Through With It

If you’ve decided to try wearing a diaper for your partner, it’s going to seem very weird and strange at first. In fact, taking a trip down the “adult diaper” aisle may send shivers down your spine. But if you’ve thought about it and decided to try it, try to put your freaked out thoughts aside. Start slow though and don’t rush into it. Try purchasing a pack of diapers for yourself and checking them out when your partner’s not around so you don’t feel any pressure to like them. Put one on and see how it feels. If you try a diaper for the first time in front of your partner and aren’t at all comfortable with it, your partner may feel hurt or betrayed when you rip the diaper off, throw it in the trash and get as far away from it as possible. Trying diapers out by yourself allows you to form your own judgements without the pressure of having your partner waiting with bated breath for your reaction. If you’ve gotten that far and aren’t thoroughly wierded out, try wearing a diaper on your next date. Surprise him by leaning over and whispering to him, “Guess what I’m wearing underneath my pants?” Let him feel the crinkle of the diaper for himself. You would be amazed at how turned on he’ll get if diapers are truly his deepest, darkest fantasy!  

It Goes Both Ways

Sex fantasies and fetishes are often harmless if they happen between two consenting adults and no one is getting hurt. However, if you try his diaper loving fantasy, it’s only fair that he try one of your fantasies. You may not have any deep, dark, secret sex fantasies but for example, if bondage is really your thing and it’s not his, it’s only fair that he play along. Try setting up a fantasy box where each of you can put in your own fantasies, wants and desires for sex. Pull out a fantasy whenever you and your partner want to do something fun. It could be your fantasy that ends up getting pulled out or it could be his!

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In Your Kitchen

Using a spatula for light spanking (or hard spanking if that’s what you prefer) might have already crossed your mind, but you might have dismissed it because it seems so cliche. But what about that naughty fantasy of a nearly naked cook punishing you for trying dinner before it was ready? A simple spatula can be a lot of fun with a little imagination. Smooth fruits and vegetables can be used for homemade sex toys, such as using a very large cucumber as a dildo. Make sure it’s clean and smooth, without rotted places or rough places on the surface. NEVER insert anything into the anus that isn’t a sex toy built with a wide base specifically for anal play – it might get lost in there and warrant you and your partner a trip to the emergency room.

In Your Bathroom

A feather duster can feel divine when your partner tickles you up and down your body, especially if alternated with light or firm spanking. You may not, of course, keep a feather duster in your bathroom (or in your house for that matter) but they’re available at virtually every store and are extremely cost effective. They are definitely less expensive than their red and black sexy feather tickler counterparts. While the sexy feathers might seem more enticing, who doesn’t like a nice “French Maid” sex fantasy? You can even bring “bathroom cleaning supplies” such as soap or lotion and offer to clean up your partner’s genitals.

In Your Bedroom

Your bedroom has lots of fun BDSM toys inside, including scarves and ties that can be used for sexy blindfolds and restraints. Bondage may sound played out, but never underestimate the power of being blindfolded and tied up and not knowing what your partner is going to do to you next. Looking for something a little less blase than bondage? Try experimenting with shoes. Even if you don’t have a strong shoe fetish, experimenting with stilettos can be super fun. You can create both pleasure and pain with a sexy high heel and you’ve probably got a really hot pair of heels or even boots lying around somewhere. Don’t forget that your closet is also a great place for sexy costumes, even if you don’t seem to think so. Pair knee high boots with your normal black bra-and panty set for a hot surprise, or put on one of your partner’s white button up shirts and ties for a sexy just-from-the-office strip tease. There are lots of great roleplaying ideas that will utilize clothes you already have, such as a sexy librarian, a school teacher or a sexy pool boy or handyman. When it comes to BDSM, you just have to use your imagination!

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Question: Dear Dan and Jenn, I want my boyfriend to try a bit of domination. But he seems a bit shy about doing it. How can I help him get over that shyness?

–YouTube Viewer

Taking Small Steps

You definitely can’t throw the idea of hardcore BDSM straight into your partner’s lap and expect them to be interested. That’s actually one of the fastest ways you can turn your partner off of the idea altogether. You really have to start slow when you’re introducing domination to your partner, so think about baby steps you can take and how you can start small. Try introducing your partner to bondage with a first time, introductory bondage kit complete with fuzzy handcuffs? Your partner will be less likely to be freaked out by the fuzzy cuffs and they’ll help your partner get warmed up to the real deal. Try doing a little light spanking or nibbling on your partner and see how he reacts to it. Introducing it a little bit at a time will allow your partner to process and accept domination as being pleasurable.

Introduce The Fantasy

Make sure to incorporate some of the fantasy in with your BDSM play. Don’t just tie your partner to the bed with the lights on (that is, unless, you’re doing an interrogation fantasy). That will most likely make your partner feel awkward and uncomfortable. Get your partner in the mood by roleplaying a little bit and working whatever you want to try that day into the fantasy you’re creating. Encourage your partner to try playing out their own fantasies with you as well. Try using a fantasy box, where each partner can contribute fantasies that get randomly selected on any given night. Getting your partner absorbed in a sexy fantasy will help him to want to try things he’s never tried before.

Don’t Be Pushy

If your partner isn’t comfortable with a certain fetish, don’t press him on it. Being pushy and making him feel like he’s being pressured into something he’s not comfortable with will likely have the exact opposite effect. You can’t force him to like exactly what you like or find what you like erotic. If he’s given domination a good try and he still isn’t into it, it may be time to let it go. However, introducing small things to your partner and working your way up to the big stuff slowly will help nudge your partner in the right direction without making it seem like you’re being pushy at all. Just remember not to be critical or try to make your partner feel guilty for something that they don’t want to do. If you find that you and your partner’s sexual needs aren’t fitting well, move on and find someone else who has sexual preferences that are more similar to your own.

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Going Outside Of Your Current Comfort Zone

Just because you want to try kinky sex, you don’t have to start with the whips and chains right away – that is, unless you really want to. Spicing up your sex life can involve lots of fun, tame activities, as long as you and your partner are going just slightly outside of your current comfort zone. For example, if you’ve never tried light spanking or dirty talk before, try it now! If that soon becomes a part of your regular sex regimen, it will soon be time to graduate on to something else. Your “current” comfort zone is always changing – you could be completely comfortable with racy lingerie six months from now, but it may make you just a tad nervous if you’re thinking about putting it on tomorrow night. A little nervous is good though. Your goal is to make it just outside of your “bubble” and try something you’ve never done before.

Paddles

Paddles – the ones made specifically for sex, not the ones with the rubber ball on a string – are great way to get started. Most paddles that are made for the bedroom are soft and silky on one side, and hard on the other so it smarts when you give your lover a light smack on the rear end. Start by giving each other soft taps before you graduate to full on paddling pain. By starting off small and working your way up, you and your partner can both find your level of tolerance to paddling before pleasure starts turning into pain.

Blindfolds

This is an incredibly easy and fast way to bring some extra sizzle to your sex life tonight. Anything will do – a scarf or a silk necktie will work just fine, although there are a number of great blindfolds made specifically for lovers. These may be soft and silky or have naughty sayings on them to entice your partner. Either way, the sensory deprivation created by placing a blindfold over your lover’s eyes (or vice versa) is an extremely titillating experience. You or your partner won’t know what is coming, and it will force you to experience your partner’s touch (and taste and smell) in an entirely new way.

Bondage & Restraints

There’s few things that are sexier than being tied up and waiting patiently for your partner to deliver you pleasure while there’s nothing you can do about it. Take turns with your partner in some light bondage situations, allowing both you and your lover to experience the feelings of being in total control and being totally out of control where pleasure is concerned. You may find that you really enjoy one or both of these roles! Combine restraints with blindfolds for a really wild experience!

Sex Swings & Sex Furniture

You’ve heard about a thousand and one different sex positions and how they are all meant to add that extra “oomph” to your sex life. Some of these positions are darn hard to get into though, let alone actually create any kind of movement that will stimulate you or your partner! Sex furniture, such as the Tantra Sex Chair or a sex swing, are great aids to help you and your lover get into all kinds of different sex positions – without breaking your back.

Advanced Kink

If and when you and your partner are ready to graduate to advanced kink in the bedroom, try experimenting with more dominant and submissive roles. Force your partner to be your sex slave for the day, or vice versa. Some partners like to get into cross dressing a little, or have a little more fun with the fine line between pain and pleasure. Remember to be safe (and have a safe word), but when it comes to kink, the only limit is your imagination!

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While you can do nothing to keep her from thinking about work, grocery bills and other tiresome issues, you can improve the mood by making her relax while she’s alone with you. Being relaxed will lead to more enjoyable things, as you’ll soon find out. Read on to discover some of the best sexy games you can do with your partner to make her less inhibited and more willing to try kinky sex with you.

Find That Ticklish Spot

Stimulating someone sexually when she’s not in the mood is like plunging a bar of ice into boiling water. The ice will not thaw slowly, it will break. What you need to do is warm her up in a way that she naturally opens up.

You can do this by poking her or running your fingers on her ticklish spots and gently teasing her. Be as naughty as you want. It’s important to do this gradually so that she naturally allows you to explore her body. When you get her laughing and giggling, you can pick up the pace and start acting sexual. You can let her turn the tables on you, too.

Use Props

When she is breathless with anticipation, or if you have made it clear over dinner that you intend to make love that night, you can bring props with you to bed. It does not have to be some fancy sex toy that you bought online; you can simply use what you have at home.

Bring a bowl full of ice cubes to bed or slices of her favorite fruit. You can even encourage her to bring out her vibrator so she can play with it while you do your moves on her. Props and toys make sex more exciting. Have fun trying out each one and finding out which ones give the best sensations.

Who Can Hold Climax Longer

The fun thing about this game is that the more she tries to hold her orgasm in, the more aroused she gets. This is a psychological game that you can play with your girl, to increase sexual tension and anticipation on her part. The more she tries to hold back, the harder you should work so that she will not be able to hold back.

The next time you think of using champagne to “loosen up,” think about these sex games. There really is no need for artificial stimulants when you can play some kinky games with your partner to get her in the mood.

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When To Bring It Up

Bringing up new things to try in the bedroom is not the best thing to do when you’re already in the bedroom. Never bring up new sex topics during sex, right before sex or right after sex. Also don’t bring it up during a fight or when you and your partner are tired and stressed out. So if you want your girl to get into bondage, when do you bring it up? Try talking to your girlfriend about light bondage during dinner, or after you both have had a couple glasses of wine. Bring the topic of BDSM or bondage up when you and your partner are both relaxed, stress free and are open to new ideas.

How To Bring It Up

If you have a fairly open and honest relationship with your partner, putting it out there as something you’d like to try may work well for you. However, if you’re not sure how your partner will react to your interest in bondage, you may want to be a little more creative on how you introduce the topic to her. Try telling her you read an article about bondage, or you have a friend that tried it with his girl and gauge her reaction to the information. If she seems interested, it’s probably okay to move forward with the conversation. If your girlfriend seems nervous, upset or even disgusted with the idea of BDSM or bondage, you can take that as your cue to zip it. Don’t get too hung up on your partner not wanting to try bondage, because there are lots of other fun ways you and your partner can connect in the bedroom!

What You Need

Assuming you and your partner have both agreed to try bondage, it’s best to start with light bondage rather than going straight for the hardcore handcuffs. There are a variety of products available online and at your nearest adult toy store that make bondage much more fun for both you and your partner. You don’t have to spend a lot of money on adult toys to start out with, but definitely get a few things such as a beginner’s fetish kit or japanese bondage rope. Don’t try to use regular rope you bought from the store – talk about ouch! You’ll have more success with getting your girlfriend to actually enjoy being tied up and tying you up if you have a few things that were actually made for what you want to do. If you and your partner really like the lighter stuff, you can consider graduating to some more hardcore bondage and BDSM. Remember to always have a safe word, and always stop whatever you’re doing immediately if your partner uses the safeword.

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Question: My girlfriend keeps asking me what turns me on. How do I say something without sounding like a pervert?

–YouTube Viewer

Accept Your Fantasies

Everyone has something that turns them on sexually. Each person has a fantasy or fetish – and some people have more than one – and what turns someone on differs greatly from person to person. There are as many sexual fetishes, likes and dislikes in the world as there are people. What turns you on is part of what makes you sexually unique, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Unless your fetish is illegal – say, child pornography – having something special (or several somethings special) that gets you hot is perfectly normal. If you accept your fantasies and fetishes as part of yourself and aren’t embarrassed by them, you’re not going to sound like a pervert when you share them with your partner. You’re going to sound like a hot, confident guy who knows what he likes and what he wants. Her attitude about it greatly depends on your attitude about it.

When Your Partner Opens The Door

If your partner has asked you to share with them what turns you on, this is an open door that you want to take advantage of. Sure, coming right out and saying to your partner, “Hey, do you like to bite during sex?” might sound strange coming out of nowhere, but if your partner asks you what you like in the bedroom, don’t be too embarrassed to tell her. She’s let you know that she wants to share fantasies with you. This is a sign that she’s more open minded about sex than you think. Take advantage of the situation and talk about what you like and what she likes. You might find that what turns you on turns her on too and vice versa!

Make It Fun

Sharing your fantasies with your partner isn’t supposed to be nerve wracking, it’s supposed to be fun! Finding out about your partner’s fantasies and sharing yours with her is part of the fun of a new sexual relationship. If you’re still nervous about sharing what turns you on with her, try playing a fun sex game to loosen you up. Adam And Eve has a great game called Sex Is Fun, and involves fun questions about you and your partner’s fantasies. Popular sex advice magazine Cosmo has also come out with a Truth Or Dare game that lets you and your partner discover the truth about each other – and get turned on by the sexy dares. However you decide to share your fantasies and fetishes with your new partner, don’t be embarrassed or scared to do so. Make it fun and exciting instead, because it’s really not as big a deal as you think it is!

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What Is Erotic Asphyxiation?

Erotic asphyxiation is the practice of using various suffocation or choking methods to cut off blood supply to the brain, to attempt to induce feelings of dizziness, giddiness and lightheadedness. This can be done with a scarf or a rope around the neck and less commonly, with suffocation applied over the mouth and nose. These sensations are said to intensify an orgasm greatly for both men and women. Some people simply enjoy the feeling of being completely helpless during an orgasm and for others, self-endangerment is actually a turn on. Erotic asphyxiation is sometimes practiced with two people, where one partner applies suffocation to the other just before orgasm, however, autoerotic asphyxiation is more common. During autoerotic asphyxition, suffocation is applied during masturbation when a person is alone. Usually some form of slack noose is used, where a person can lean into it to create suffocation but is slack when a person is standing or sitting upright.

Why Is Erotic Asphyxiation Dangerous?

Erotic asphyxiation and autoerotic asphyxiation is extremely dangerous. Cutting off blood supply to the brain in any way, shape or form can cause brain damage at best or even death. When erotic asphyxiation is practiced with two people, you run the risk that your partner may choke you too hard or wait too long after orgasm to release you from suffocation. Your partner doesn’t know how hard to press or how long to suffocate you for, and can easily overdo it. With autoerotic asphyxiation, the risk is even greater. When you begin having an orgasm during masturbation, your body and mind lose control. You could pass out and not be able to lift yourself away from the noose or scarf you’re using, causing you to continue to suffocate and die. It is estimated that up to 1000 deaths a year occur from erotic asphyxiation in the United States alone.

Is There A Safe Way To Practice Erotic Asphyxiation?

There is absolutely no safe way to practice erotic asphyxiation or autoerotic asphyxiation. When the brain goes without oxygen for any period of time – even if it’s simply a few seconds or a minute – your brain begins the process of shutting down. If starved from oxygen long enough, the brain will shut down completely and cause brain damage and death. Regardless of whether you and your partner have a “safe” word or you think you’ll be able to stop suffocating yourself during masturbation in time, an intensified orgasm simply isn’t worth the risk of living the rest of your life as a vegetable or dying right then and there. There is no guarantee that you will come out of an erotic asphyxiation session alive or all there, no matter what you feel you’re doing to the contrary. There are a number of ways to create incredible, mind blowing orgasms without risking your life.

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Question: I am currently going out with someone that likes BDSM and cross-dressing, some humiliation as well. The problem is as much as I love him and would like to please his every desire, I just dont seem to be able to understand the deal with BDSM or humiliation. I’m not into it. He doesn’t want me to do these things if I’m not into them. He says he loves me and doesn’t mind being with me, even if I cant seem to get into his fetishes.

–YouTube Viewer

Have You Tried It? You Might Like It!

If you partner has a fantasy or fetish that you don’t seem to be interested in, such as BDSM, bondage or humiliation, steering clear of these in the bedroom is going to make you more comfortable sexually. However, if you haven’t tried it with your partner, you might consider some light bondage next time you and your partner have sex. Your partner will really enjoy anything that relates to their fantasy and you might find that you like it! Don’t try anything you’re super uncomfortable with, but trying new things in the bedroom isn’t a bad idea.

Be True To Who You Are

If you’ve tried to share your partner’s fantasies and fetishes and just can’t seem to get into them, don’t force yourself to do things that you don’t like. If you don’t like it, you don’t like it and it’s important that you be true to who you are. It’s also important that your partner is true to who they are and if they like something, it’s essential not to criticize them about it. While you don’t have to be a part of it if you’re not comfortable with it, it’s important to allow your partner to be themselves. Being unable to find sexual satisfaction together because you both like different things in the bedroom may cause issues later on in your relationship but if they’re not bothering you or your partner now, relax and let it go. You can cross that bridge when (or if) you get there.

Find Fantasies That You Do Share

Try to find some fantasies that you and your partner both like. If you and your partner think you’re totally sexually incompatible together, you might be surprised that there are a few things that you both actually have in common. But you won’t know unless you try! Talk to your partner and be open and honest with them about what turns you on and what doesn’t. Listen to them openly about what they like or don’t like. Browse adult toys online, or even adult videos that might interest you both. Just because you aren’t into his fantasies doesn’t mean you can’t find something that you both really enjoy!

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What happens when we start carry those term of endearment into the bedroom? Watch this video to find out if it’s normal to call each other ‘mommy’ and ‘daddy,’ even when the kids aren’t around.

Using “Mommy” And “Daddy” To Refer To Your Partner

Lots of parents call each other “Mommy” or “Daddy” in front of the kids, and sometimes when they’re alone just out of habit. This is a completely normal part of parental life, especially if you’re teaching very little ones what to call your partner. If you refer to your partner as “Jeff” all the time, but ask your little one to call him “Daddy,” she might get confused. It can definitely help teach little ones if you and your partner call each other “Mommy” and “Daddy” too. But is there ever a point where these terms of endearment aren’t normal?

Using “Mommy” And “Daddy” In The Bedroom

It may be out of habit, or it may be a bit of fun roleplaying, but sometimes the terms “Mommy” and “Daddy” get carried away in the bedroom. Some people even like to roleplay with those terms, with “Mommy” punishing her bad boy, or her partner asking, “Who’s your Daddy?” This may seem strange, or even sick, but it’s just part of roleplaying. If both partners are into it, and both partners are comfortable and emotionally mature enough to realize that it is just a roleplaying game, there’s certainly nothing wrong with it, just as there is nothing wrong with playing “teacher” in the bedroom, or “french maid.” As long as everyone involved is having fun and isn’t getting hurt, there’s no reason to think there’s something “wrong” with you. If someone becomes uncomfortable, find a new game to play. It’s as simple as that.

When It Crosses The Line

There is a point where being “Mommy” in the bedroom (or being “Daddy” for that matter) can cross the line. If you’re playing “Mommy” and your partner is thinking of his own mother, there are some psychological issues there that probably need to be addressed. Although, your partner is the only one that will ever know that, so it’s up to him to seek help if he finds that he’s having these kids of issues. Also, if being “Daddy” in the bedroom leads a man into psychological or physical abuse of his own children because he’s so into it, that is definitely a call for professional help. Other than that, it’s very hard for two, emotionally mature, consenting adults to make roleplaying “Mommy” and “Daddy” in the bedroom go too far. So what do you think? Is it sick or sexy?

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I enjoy wearing a leash, collar, bit and saddle sometimes, and I sometimes enjoy being groomed. Does this qualify as a BDSM fetish? What makes people enjoy the different things they do?

 

–Tom, IN

A Basis Of Comparison

First of all, trying to find out if your kinkiness is considered “abnormal,” or if it’s beyond all others, you’re really fighting a losing battle. What is considered “normal” in this society? It’s all about perception, which can easily be distorted by religion, culture and even television or movies. In reality, various fetishes are common, even though people don’t always share them with others. Most people actually think that their fetish or kink is “normal” and everyone else is “abnormal,” regardless of how strange their own kink would seem to someone else. That is the true crux of the matter – why let what other people do or don’t do or what other people think or don’t think dictate what you like to do in your own bedroom?

A Colorful Variety Of Fetishes

There are probably more fetishes out there than you could even imagine. Shoe fetishes and BDSM are commonly talked about, but what about crossdressing? Asian women and men? Smoking after sex? Roleplaying? The Princess Leia slave costume fetish? Believe it or not, everyone has a little kink in them somewhere. Fetishes can arise from anything in our lives, even something stemming from childhood. Did you really like the princesses in the cartoon fairy tales? Perhaps you enjoy dressing up as them now during sex and imagining what that would have been like in the movies. Perhaps your mother enjoyed getting her nails done at a salon and now you enjoy having sex with women who have extraordinarily long, false fingernails that they use during sex. There’s no limit to what someone can like during sex!

When Does It Cross The Line?

Fetishes and kinks may seem like an intensely gray area with no real boundaries, but it’s actually quite easy to find out if your fetish crosses the line. Does it severely hurt other people? Does it involve people or animals who don’t give their consent? Does it involve anyone who is not a legal adult? If you answered “yes” to any of those questions, it’s definitely time to seek professional help. If you answered “no” to all of those questions, you still might consider talking to an unbiased counselor if you find that your fetish is taking over your life, preventing you from having healthy relationships and living a normal life. If having your fetish involves only legal, consenting adults and no one is getting seriously hurt, and it is allowing you to live a full and healthy lifestyle both in and out of the bedroom, embrace your uniqueness and enjoy your fetish!

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Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’m very comfortable with my sexuality and a little on the BDSM side… I’ve been this way for years. My fiance and I have done a few things, but I want to try even more – costumes, props, etc. I don’t think he knows how dark my sexual side can be. How can I bring it up to him without scaring him?

–Desiree, MO

Let Your Partner Go First

Ask your partner what turns them on. This is not the time for a “sit down” talk, rather, you want to ask him in a very nonchalant sort of way. Bring it up if you’re watching a romantic movie with a hot sex scene, or even if you’re watching pornography together. If you’re visiting the mall, pop into the lingerie store or even the novelty stores that carry some sex toys. Asking your partner what turns them on opens them up to their own fantasies and gets their minds going.

Introduce Yourself Slowly

Don’t break into your fetish by surprising your partner with a leash and collar while wearing a full black leather outfit. You might scare them off! Try incorporating light BDSM into your foreplay and sexual routine, such as using a feather duster or even a light whip. Try purchasing some racier lingerie, or sexy shoes that reflect what turns you on. You can even suggest roleplaying light BDSM roles, such as light submission or light dominance. You might find that your partner really likes this type of sex play and begins to get more into it! If this happens, just ease into your fetish or fantasy slowly, until you’re really sharing with your partner what you like and what turns you on.

Try A Fantasy Box

A “Fantasy Box” is something you and your partner can try if you’re really shy about sharing your fantasies with your partner or your partner is really shy about sharing their fantasies with you. Write down your fantasies on a scrap piece of paper and put it in the box. Have your partner do the same. Make a “rule” that once a week, a fantasy is pulled out of the box and is enacted. If some fantasies require planning, give you and your partner enough time to purchase costumes, etc. This can even be something fun that you do together that can bring you and your partner closer! Decorate the fantasy box with things you both find sexy to make it even more fun.

No matter what, your sex life should be enjoyable and fulfilled, no matter what fetish or fantasy you like. You might be surprised – your fetish or fantasy probably isn’t as uncommon as you think it is! If your partner is freaked out by your fetish, whether it’s BDSM or something else, and you can’t work past it, consider that they might not be the partner for you. Remember – there’s someone out there for everyone!

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Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I have a fetish for cross dressing. I like dressing up in sexy lingerie, but I don’t go out in public or anything. Are the any women out there who are open enough to consider this a normal part of a healthy sex life? I also like the idea of dressing up as a French maid and submitting myself to the lady of the manner….

–Jonathan, FL

Some Like It, Some Don’t

Many women aren’t going to be turned on by men who enjoy cross dressing – it’s just fact. While some women don’t mind it, some are going to be turned off by it. That doesn’t mean you have to give up what you enjoy though! There are women who enjoy cross dressing themselves, and who enjoy being with men who like to cross dress. There’s someone for everyone, no matter what your fetish or fantasy is. You just have to find them!

Where To Look

Okay, so popping over to the bookstore might help you meet a nice girl, it’s not likely to be the best place to meet someone who either won’t mind your cross dressing or someone who might even share your fetish with you. There are, however, lots of good places online to meet people who share your interests or similar interests to yours! Browse through online dating websites or online fetish websites where you can specify your interest in cross dressing before you even meet someone. It’s refreshing to know right off the bat that someone who shows interest in you through these websites know that you enjoy cross dressing and either like it or don’t have a problem with it.

How To Tell Someone Who Doesn’t Know

What if you’re already involved with someone or are dating someone who doesn’t know that you like to cross dress but you would like to share this fetish with them? This can be a tricky situation, but it’s definitely not an impossible one. Don’t have a “sit down” talk with them. This can be uncomfortable and will put your partner on the spot, and it can be especially awkward if they don’t react to your cross dressing in the way you expected. Try introducing it slowly. Buy a silky robe and see if your partner likes the feel of it on you. Try wearing her panties to bed and see what she thinks – if she doesn’t like it, you can always play it off as having fun. If she does, visit a lingerie shop with her, and pick out fun, sexy lingerie for both of you. Sharing your cross dressing with her slowly can help warm her up to the idea, and then you can begin to share your fantasies with her!

No matter what your fetish or fantasy is, it’s important to have someone you can share it with. Don’t judge other people and don’t let them judge you – to each his own and there’s always someone out there for everybody!

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Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I fantasize about being a prostitute, having sex with strangers and being naughty – having to do what the other person wants and even getting paid for it. I want to experience this fantasy with my husband, but he’s not comfortable being the ‘dominant’ one. How can we pull this off so that everyone has fun?

–Lisa, WA

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Dear Dan And Jennifer,

 

My boyfriend wants to be tied up, but I’ve never done it before! What are some tame ideas that I can start with that are comfortable for both of us?

 

–Sheila, Texas

Tying Him Up

If you want to start by tying your partner up but you’ve never done it before, try using light bondage such as fuzzy handcuffs or silk ties. You can even incorporate a blindfold to make it more exciting! Loosely tie your partner to a chair or to a bedpost and make sure the knot is too tight. A good thing to do before you start tying your partner up – or start doing anything BDSM related at all – is to come up with a code word that either partner can use if something becomes uncomfortable or painful. “Stop” is usually inefficient in the heat of the moment, so come up with something totally unrelated like, “banana” or “fairies.” It may sound silly, but it’s a great way to communicate if something has gone too far.

What To Do Once You’ve Tied Him Up

Chances are, your partner wants to be tied up because he’s wanting to feel a little submissive. So slip into a more dominant role and lightly tease him! You can tease him using props, such as chocolate sauce or even a light feather duster. If you’re really feeling kinky, a light elastic whip might do the trick! Tease him with nibbling, kissing, light biting and possibly light spanking if he’s into it. You can also do a little anal play while he’s tied up, because most guys are unresponsive to anal play ordinarily. Be careful with this, but you might find that your partner enjoys being in a submissive position and would be more receptive to anal play this way. If you want to try anal play, be gentle and go slow! Also, giving him a nice lap dance can be a great finishing touch while he’s completely tied up.

Advanced BDSM

If you and your partner find light BDSM interesting, you might be more willing to venture into something a little more hardcore. You never have to do anything you’re not comfortable with, but if it turns you on, why not? There are lots of stores – real and online – that can provide you with costumes, toys, sexy shoes, gags, muzzles, leashes and anything you can imagine to help you get your BDSM groove on. Just make sure you have your safe word handy (or a safe gesture if you’re gagged) and you’re ready to go!

First and foremost, whether you’re engaging in regular sex or BDSM, it’s important that you’re comfortable with everything on the table. Communicate to your partner beforehand what you like and listen to what they like – be open and honest about sharing your fantasies and non-judgmental when it comes to acting them out. If you’re open to it, you and your partner can find lots of ways to enrich your sex life and have a more exciting and satisfying time with each other!

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Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I love rough, hard sex.  I like to have it all the time!  Is this just a fetish or is there something wrong with me?

–Alyssa, New Jersey

What Goes On Behind Closed Doors?

What goes on in your bedroom – or living room or kitchen, for that matter – is your business as long as it is between two consenting adults and isn’t harming anyone. Most of the time sex – even the rough, hard kind – falls into this category but occasionally it doesn’t.

Make a mental checklist of what is going on between you and your partner when you have rough sex. Are both parties consenting adults? Is either party being hurt in some way? Usually, this is where some types of rough, hard sex cross the line.

Some people enjoy being hurt, but it’s important to look at the extent of it to decide how much is too much. Strangulation and asphyxiation are especially dangerous, as are things that would require either partner to seek a doctor’s attention afterwards.

If you like rough, hard sex, just make sure you’re being safe.

Is It A Fetish?

Typically, a fetish is an obsession with a single thing – such as shoes or bondage – but that doesn’t mean a liking for rough, hard sex is excluded. If you enjoy rough sex all the time, so much so that you avoid having any other type of sex, you might have a bit of a fetish.

That’s okay – as long as you’re not truly hurting someone or involving someone that doesn’t want to be involved. If your partner really enjoys rough sex and you do too, it can be a great way to connect in the bedroom.

If your partner enjoys rough, hard sex and you typically do not, that’s when it may cross the line.

Open Communication

If your partner likes hard sex and you don’t, make sure your partner knows this right away! You don’t have to submit yourself to sex that isn’t enjoyable to you and may be hurting you.

Chances are, your partner will be open to finding new ways of pleasing you and themselves without rough sex.

If feel that your partner might have a serious issue with rough sex, especially if they refuse to stop even after you’ve asked them to, it’s definitely going too far. If this is the case, consider the fact that you and your partner might not be a good match for each other.

Whether you enjoy rough, hard sex with your partner or prefer a softer side of your partner in the bedroom, just keep the lines of communication as open as you can.

Whether it’s coming up with a safety word that lets you both know it’s time to stop or simply letting your partner know you’re not really into the hard sex fetish, communication is the key to a healthy and happy sexual relationship.

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Society has put sort of a damper on being open and honest about what turns us on sexually, however, most of it is healthy and even natural.

Most fetishes and fantasies aside though, some of them can be dangerous or harmful. How do you know if what turns you on goes too far?

Are sexual fetishes bad?

Are fantasies healthy?

Healthy Fetishes and Fantasies

First, let’s distinguish between a fetish and a fantasy. A fetish is in part an obsession on one particular thing whereas a fantasy can incorporate several different sexual and non sexual elements.

You’ve probably heard of a fetish before, such as a foot fetish, and who hasn’t had a sexual or non sexual fantasy? You may, in fact, have both fetishes and fantasies. That’s perfectly normal. It only means that you’re human.

So what is a healthy fetish or fantasy? Well, there’s no “list” of what’s healthy and what’s not, so it’s something you need to determine yourself. Does your fetish or fantasy make you uncomfortable in any way?

Don’t use others’ reactions as a guide. Someone might find that a fetish for crotchless panties disgusting when there’s really no harm at all in enjoying crotchless panties. It’s really a classic example of “to each his own.”

What if your fetish or fantasy is a little more extreme than that? Do you like S&M pornography or do you enjoy biting or being bitten during sex? These are still relatively healthy and normal fetishes, although that is where it starts to get a little hairy.

When Does It Cross The Line?

Basically, it crosses the line when someone gets hurt and they don’t want to. Now, in S&M and some other fetishes and fantasies, people do get hurt a little.

It all boils down to consent. If all parties involved are consenting, there really is no harm in . . . well, a little harm. It does go too far though. If you’re really hurting someone and they don’t like it. In fact, it doesn’t even have to be “harmful.”

If any other person involved isn’t comfortable with what you’re doing, you’ve crossed the line. Back up a little and find another way to enjoy your fetishes and fantasies without harming someone or making them uncomfortable in any way.

That said, there are some fetishes or fantasies that might signal you need some help.  If you have any questions about whether your fetishes and fantasies are normal, run it by a therapist or more specifically a sex therapist. Most fantasies are normal but in rare cases where someone might fantasize about really hurting someone else, it’s time to seek help.

If you’re worried that your fantasy or fetish isn’t normal, keep in mind that there’s a very wide range for what “normal” is. Some people fantasize about phone sex while others think feet are the most erotic thing in the world. Some women fantasize about a sexy pirate with rock hard abs sweeping them off their feet while others just want to spank their partners.

As long as everyone involved is comfortable and consenting, there is nothing wrong with indulging your fetishes and fantasies!  Remember that everyone is different and unless someone is getting hurt or is uncomfortable, or you are fantasizing about really hurting someone, just enjoy the ride!

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The articles are vague, but they usually mention the word “kinky,” a kitchen appliance malfunctioning, and the husband being held for questioning. You don’t want this to happen to you.

BDSM is fun and exciting, but you have to invest time in making it a positive experience for everyone involved.

Negotiating scenes, checking play equipment, and doing a little preparation ahead of time will keep things safe and sane. Here’s a little checklist of things to consider when veering from vanilla sex.

Addressing the Physical Side of BDSM

• Be present. Don’t be drunk or otherwise out of it.

• Never put anything around someone’s neck. OK, maybe a dog collar, but not ropes or bungee cords.

• Don’t leave a restrained person alone. You don’t want your sex life to turn into a Stephen King novel.

• If you’re playing with rope, have EMT scissors on hand in case you need to break out of something quickly.

• Have water nearby to keep your honey hydrated and comfortable as you torment and tease.

• Don’t lose your handcuff key!

• When “no” doesn’t mean “no”: Part of your play might involve you pretending to resist, and your partner needs to know when you really need a time out. Have a safeword that is two syllables or less you can call out if things get too intense. (Mine is “bluebird,” as in, “the bluebird of happiness.”) It’s also a good idea to have a safetune to hum if the mouth is stuffed with something like a ball gag and you need a break.

• Use safe props like cold water and ice cubes as punishment. It stings in the moment, but doesn’t cause lasting damage.

Addressing the Emotional Side of BDSM

• Negotiate a scene. Discuss your turn ons, turn offs, limits, and what you both want out of the experience. Have any ideas for props or role playing? One fun way I discuss my fantasies with my partner is through Instant Messenger. We IM each other from separate rooms, acting out a fantasy virtually, which gets us worked up mentally and physically. Mmm, virtual foreplay!

• Let’s talk about safewords again. One thing I have noticed in my experience is that I don’t want to use my safeword. I have come to think that uttering it would be weak, and it’ a source of pride for me that I don’t use it. GET OVER THIS MENTALITY. Your dom is depending on you to keep him or her informed of your state of mind. Body language can be read, but not minds. It might be a good idea to employ a play session where the goal is to make the sub use the safeword.

• Afterwards, baby your sub. Make sure he or she is hydrated, warm, and comfortable.

• Talk about it afterwards. Share with each other what you liked and didn’t like about the scene. If something freaked you out, that’s not a deal breaker, it’s a learning experience.

Once again I recommend filling out the BDSM fetish checklist, as it has a section on limits, safewords, and signals. Not only does your partner learn more about what turns you on, but in filling it out, YOU learn something about yourself as well. It’s so much fun to explore. Be safe, be well, and flog on!

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He tried to oblige and picked up the pace a bit.

“Harder!” I asked again. I needed it rough.

With that he stopped mid-thrust and it was game over for the night.

“I can’t treat you like that,” he said with disgust. I felt like a freak.

This was sex with my ex-husband.

Later, I had a relationship with another man, and I got him trained pretty well in the bedroom to do the things I liked, but out of the bedroom he constantly criticized me, complained that I needed to be more assertive and outgoing.

Fast forward through a handful of other brief failed relationships…

These days, I have a wonderful, loving, strong man who can give me a nice hard spanking or tie me up nice and snug. I finally found my dom – someone who can give me what I want in and out of the bedroom.

What is dom and sub?

A dominant person is a leader, likes to be in charge, is the person on top or does the tying. A submissive person is passive, a follower, is often the person being penetrated, and likes to be tied up.

A parallel to the dom/sub dichotomy is extroverted/introverted. For the most part, dom types are extroverts, and the subs are introverted. All you introverts out there know what a relief it is to have an outgoing partner who does well at parties. They take the pressure off of you.

A dom is often a boss, a politician, a lawyer. A sub is often a secretary, a jewelry maker, a massage therapist. But there’s always more than meets the eye! We’ve all heard of the high power businessman who pays a dominatrix to give him a good paddling.

So, dom or sub…which one are you?

Breaking a Pattern

I didn’t realize it, but I was habitually going for the wrong type. I have a thing for sensitive, intellectual academic types, and the men I kept ending up with had submissive personalities.

Turns out they wanted a woman who would lead the way, be in charge, wear the pants. I didn’t have that personality at all. I’m a skirt-wearing wimp. And the fact that I wanted it rough (oh fine – and that I had rape fantasies) made them nervous.

The guy who criticized me – we were one of those annoying bickering couples. And now I know that he resented me putting him in a dom role. It wasn’t comfortable for him.

Look at Your Own Relationship

Take a moment and think about your current relationship. If it’s good, it’s probably because you two match up well – one of you is predominately dom, and the other is predominately sub. If your relationship is tense or otherwise not ideal, it could be that you inadvertently ended up with a person who is the same type as you.

Two doms together are no good. Two subs together are also not good. If you’re matched up with the wrong partner, your sex life will be out of sync. Neither of you will be able to fulfill the other person if you both want to be tied up.

What to do? If you’re already paired up, explore the possibility of one of you switching roles and see how that feels. Some people find pleasure in both the dom and sub roles, depending on their mood.

If you are currently looking for a partner, keep this concept in mind while searching. Look for clues in other people that will indicate if you would be a good match or not. It’ll save you a lot of time and heartache.

Look at Others

Now take a moment to think about other relationships you know. How about your parents – is one of them the dominant type? Are they still together?

Think about the unhappy couples you know. What’s the source of their friction and frustration? What about the happy couples you know? Chances are, they are a good match because one is dom and one is sub.

I have a good rule of thumb for figuring out who wears the pants in a relationship – it’s the person who does most of the driving and whose voice is used as the message for the home answering machine.

But it’s not always so cut and dried. I thought long enough about one content couple I knew and figured out that the woman is a dom type who plays the submissive role.

Meanwhile, her husband is the sub type who is playing the dom role, and for some reason, this works for them. If one of them didn’t assume this role, then the whole thing would be off balance and they would run into problems.

Why do I think I’m such an authority on this? Well, I’m a self-proclaimed slut – I’ve had lots of sexual partners, LOTS of hands on research, and all that experience has given me insight on sexual compatibility in a way that someone who has only had sex with a handful of people can’t know.

I only wish I had this figured out ten years ago.

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Immediately she froze in horror and blurted, “What are you doing?”

Well, how do you answer that? They resumed their lovemaking and talked about it afterwards. He told her he was going with the heat of the moment, and that to him it was an incredibly intimate gesture, a dominant move on his part.

She felt the opposite – she said it creeped her out and made her feel like an object. And there you have it – that one simple hand over the face gesture crossed the vanilla sex line.

What Do You Call Non-vanilla Sex?

I still haven’t found a good term for non-vanilla sex – chocolate? Strawberry with sprinkles? Chili sauce? This is a little problematic, since I overwhelmingly prefer it over vanilla.

Don’t get me wrong – vanilla sex has its place. But there are plenty of times when you just want to take it to “11,” like Nigel in Spinal Tap.

Taking it to “11”

First off, make sure you’ve covered the vanilla basics. Have you tried sexual positions like doggy style, reverse cowgirl? Have you played all the oral sex games, even 69 (highly overrated in my opinion)?

How about places – have you branched out from bedroom? I’m partial to the bathroom vanity myself, and the basement works well for my dungeon fantasies. How about anal sex? OK, now we’re crossing the line.

Consult the Checklist

Hopefully you have filled out the handy dandy BDSM fetish checklist I provided last month. Going through the checklist will be an eye opening experience for most couples. You’ll find out pretty quickly if one or both of you is dominant/submissive. Take turns picking a fantasy and trying it out.

Start small with blindfolds, silk scarves. A friend of mine had NO idea she liked blindfolds, until her boyfriend spontaneously wrapped her winter scarf around her head and gave her a massage on the couch. That smooth move prompted her to change her blindfold preference from a 3 to a 5 on the checklist. Instant addition to their bag of tricks!

Test Your Comfort Zone

As for me, I knew I liked rough sex, but I sure didn’t know I got turned on by a gentle face slap. My guy tried that one on me one time and I had a similar reaction to the woman with the hand on her face – I was shocked, but paused to process it. Did I like it? At first I didn’t, then found myself fantasizing about it later. As you can see, you can surprise yourself.

Be “Try-Sexual”

It pays to try new things, even if you think you might not like them. If you find you’re not crazy about it, don’t do it again. As long as you keep open communication going, pushing your boundaries shouldn’t “ruin” things. It’s all a learning process.

You can also experiment with swatting the bottom during sex, or pinning your partner’s hands above his or her head while you’re making love. Take a candle and drip hot wax on your partner – it’s easy to monitor this one – the higher up you hold it above someone when it drips, the less it hurts.

Someone once told me that they loved sex because it reminded them of what it was like to be a kid. “EXCUSE ME?” I said, eyebrows raised. “And just what kind of childhood did you have?” He laughed and explained, “With sex you get to be really messy and play make believe and just have fun!”

What a great attitude. Give your hang-ups a rest and explore with an open mind. Work the kinks OUT. Oh and by the way – my friend I mentioned at the beginning of this article? He ended up breaking it off with his girlfriend. It turns out they weren’t sexually compatible, and now they are both with better matched partners. In my next article, I’ll talk more about sexual compatibility when it comes to kink.

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Is it possible to be both? Here’s a question from Melissa who is a little confused. She always considered herself to be submissive, but lately, she keeps meeting others who want her to dominate them.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I am a submissive and  lately I’ve been meeting people that want me to dominate them. When I try I get shy and can’t do it.

So how do I NOT be shy when they asked me to do this?

–Melissa, Washington

Is it Possible to be a Shy Dominatrix?

Of course it’s possible. Anything is possible…

If you consider yourself to be submissive and yet you find others wanting you to dominate them, I can see where this could get a little confusing.

The big question I have for you is ‘Why are you attracting these people?“.

If you are truly submissive, why do these people keep wanting you to dominate them. It’s normally quite obvious where a person lines up – a little to the top or to the bottom.

Are you sending mixed signals? Maybe you are a wolf in sheep’s clothing?

The really big thing you have to ask you self is “Are you sure about what you want?”

Sometimes we end up in a role, whether in life or sex, and find ourselves wondering how we got there. Maybe it’s time for a change and maybe not, but it’s worthwhile taking some time to get really clear about what you truly enjoy. Try on various roles and see what fits you best.

Start Slowly

If you do want to try the dominant role, then just start slowly rather than trying to put on the whole show all at once.

Just try little things and work your way up. That will give you time to decide if that is the role that you want or not. You don’t have to get dressed up in leather and spike heeled boots, tie him up, and punish him on the first try.

Start small and work your way up. Find and test your limits gradually. This works anytime you want to overcome shyness with with any area in your life. Take the first little step in that direction. The important thing is to take that first step.

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From meeting online via a dating website to having a casual chat over instant messenger, the likelihood that you’ll have at least one online conversation with your potential lover is extremely high.

One of the main differences between online and face-to-face conversations is the amount of social inhibitions experienced by the chatters.

Because online communications encourage an atmosphere of anonymity, it’s easier for most people to open up about themselves. The lack of physical/visual social repercussions online, such as a frown of disapproval, makes online chatters less vulnerable to emotional hurts, and therefore much more willing to take chances by saying things that might otherwise be considered “inappropriate” in person.

Under such relaxed social constraints, it’s easy to imagine how a casual late night chat can quickly turn into an arousing exploration of each other’s sexual fantasies. But is engaging in this type of risqué talk with someone you’ve recently met and may eventually sleep with a good idea? Might it ruin those first “magical” moments if and when you do decide to have physical sex together?

The Pros and Cons of Having “Cyber Sex” Before Really “Doing It”

Pro – It’ll Give You Both a Chance to Explore Your Sexual Compatibility Safely.

Rather than risking a potentially awkward first time with a new partner, having cyber sex beforehand can provide both parties with an opportunity to verbally explore each other’s likes and dislikes in a fun and consequence-free environment.

Maybe she is much more sexually aggressive than he is, or maybe he has certain kinks that she is strongly against. Whatever differences and similarities are discovered, it’s much better to test out certain ideas online than it is in person. Wouldn’t you like to know your new crush actually enjoys being tied up before you whip out your studded leather cuffs?

Con – What Happens in Cyber-Land, Stays in Cyber-Land

It’s true, the uninhibited social freedom of cyber sex can go straight to some people’s heads like the bubbles in any great bottle of champagne. Because of this, the difference between someone’s online sexual persona and their real life sexual behavior can be shockingly different…

Although you and Mr. New Love did every position in the book during your torrid affairs in Cyber-Land, the reality might be that you’re a very shy and cautious lover. Once Mr. New Love really gets you between the sheets, the difference between Cyber-Land you and Real you might be very confusing to him. So confusing it might seem like a betrayal since you portrayed yourself to be one way when in fact you’re another. Sounds very much like lying, doesn’t it? And that’s never a good start to any relationship.

Pro -  Fantasies Can be Very Revealing

Not only can exploring each other’s sexual fantasies be a wonderful way to test out your sexual compatibility, but it can also lead to a whole slew of other insightful topics of conversation. Bringing up different sexual likes and dislikes can reveal where someone stands on a variety of socially political issues such as homosexuality, marriage, religion, feminism, etc. For example, when you are having cyber sex try shifting the fantasy toward something “taboo” and see how your partner reacts. It’s very easy to then bring up that topic later on for further clarification and discussion. There’s nothing like trying out a Nun/Priest role playing fantasy to bring out someone’s religious and political convictions!

Con – Your Writing Skills Don’t Match Your Sexual Skills

This problem can go one of two ways. Either you’re a fantastic writer who‘s bad in bed, or you’re a fantastic lover who can‘t write. In the first case, your partner may be disappointed the first time you “really” have sex since cyber (written) sex with you was mind-blowing due to your uncanny way with words. In the second case, your lack of verbal finesse might ruin your chances of ever getting your partner into your bed at all. If for some reason you believe your writing skills do not match your real sexual prowess, then it’s probably best to avoid cyber sex with your crush until after you’ve had physical sex with them at least once. That way no one will be unfortunately disappointed or unreasonably dissuaded from having sex with you.

Otherwise, Enjoy It!

Like most things, the decision to have cyber sex before physical sex with someone new is a gamble. The opportunity to explore each other sexually without having to worry about physical consequences, appearances, and social inhibitions is understandably tempting. My only words of caution are to remember that your cyber persona and actions will influence how your potential lover perceives you, as well as their expectations for your “real” first time together. However, if you’re a little mindful of these things and don’t go crazier in Cyber-Land than you would in your bedroom, then cyber sex can certainly add a lot of playful flirtations to those first few weeks of heart-racing acquaintanceship.

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Unfortunately most of us never get the opportunity to fully explore all of the hidden erotic treasures patiently awaiting us in our kitchen drawers because we’re too busy reheating yesterday’s pizza to actually spend three savory hours indulging in our sensual creativity.

So here’s my suggestion – make a little cooking date with your lover on a Saturday, or a Sunday, or whenever. Treat it just as you would any other date, give the children to their grandparents, get a babysitter, etc. Make sure the two of you have plenty of time to relax and to really “get into” whatever happens to come up.

Go through your cupboards, your refrigerator, and your pantry with kinky eyes.

Ask yourself questions like “how would that feel running up my spine?” or “how else could this fork be used?”

Before you know it everything will seem wonderfully tempting, and you’ll be well on your way to making steamy memories that will no doubt have you blushing the next time you stick that boring old pizza into the oven.

If, however, you still need a bit of inspiration to get your naughty juices flowing, keep reading.

Five Very Wicked Ways To Turn Your Ordinary Kitchen Accoutrements Into Brazenly Devilish Sex Toys

1. The Spanking Wooden Spoon – Near and dear to my own playful heart, I get a fluttery feeling every time I use one of these classic, extra-large wooden stirring spoons. For the edgy players among you, using a spoon for spanking purposes is not a very shocking idea.

After all, whenever a paddle’s not handy, a wooden spoon will always do the trick! It’s sturdy, fairly wide, and gives that yummy mix of sting and thud. Oh come on, be daring and give your partner a soft teasing whack – their reaction might surprise you!

2. Chip Clip Nipple Clamps – Warning, not for the faint of heart. I’m a little hesitant to make this suggestion because it has to be the right kind of chip clip – you should only use ones that are flat on the inside, NOT the kind with little teeth or jagged edges meant to hold the bag closed tighter! Although impromptu nipple (or other body part) clamps are a fun idea, remember how easily this skin can be damaged and use your common sense. Smaller clips have less power so are better suited for this pain/pleasure toy. And don’t forget to sooth those fire-hot nipples afterward with a little melting ice from the freezer…

3. Really Hot Chocolate - Find a great recipe for homemade hot fudge and make it together. The aroma of melting chocolate alone should get your mind wandering into happy land. Once it’s finished and cooled enough that you can touch it without burning yourself, begin to finger-feed it to your lover. Remember, the point is to be sensual and indulgent. Do it slowly, deliberately.

Watch as your lover takes your finger into their mouth, let yourself feel the roughness of their tongue, pay attention! Don’t be afraid to get sticky and very messy. You know this activity has gone well when all of his, um, “fingers” and all of her “lips” have been completely covered in chocolate – preferably over and over again!

4. Rolling Pin Massage – Grant it, this suggestion is more fun and light-hearted than the others, but we all need a little relaxing warm-up don’t we? I know it’s a funny image, but using a rolling pin to massage the sides of your back, butt, thighs and calves actually feels great! The big handles make it really easy to use and you can get wonderfully long strokes out of it.

Feel free to laugh along the way, but eventually your partner will appreciate the real massage he or she is getting – even if it is from a rolling pin!

5. Guessing Game – Cover your lover’s eyes with a blindfold, or if you think they won’t cheat just tell them to close their eyes. Pick about twenty-five different cooking utensils (tongs, forks, basters, etc.) and use them of various parts of your lover’s (naked) body. Pinch them with the tongs, blow air in their face with the baster – you get the gist. Have your lover try to guess what you are using on them.

For every correct guess, offer them a sexual favor of their choice, and for every wrong guess they have to do something for you. Clearly this simple game can go in many different directions, so you can take it as far as you’d both like.

Of course, these ideas are just the beginning. Your kitchen’s sexuality completely depends on your own unique imagination and preferences, so please don’t ever feel limited to what you’ve heard or what other people have done!

Give yourself and your lover the freedom to be silly, kinky, weird. Something memorable is bound to come out of all that loving energy!

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And then ask yourself… why should kids have all the fun, while all the adults grow up and become boring and stodgy? Well, there are a lot of perks to being a grown up, and Halloween can be just as fun as it was back then… and a LOT more naughty.

Forget that! Let’s turn up the heat this Halloween with some dress up gear that’s ONLY for grown ups.

Instead of cartoon characters and action figures, how about some fun, sexy fantasy costumes to get you AND your lover in the mood for a steamy evening after your trick or treating.

French Maid? Nurse? Maybe a Sexy Bunny? 

"Is there a doctor in the house? Somebody’s been naughty and needs a physical."

Role playing is one of the most common forms of sexual diversion for a couple. Nothing like pretending to be someone else, living dangerously, meeting an exciting stranger and letting your passion run wild! 

There is of course the French maid, or better yet, the upstairs maid (no upstairs is complete without one). And of course the nurse, in case of emergency.

What about a sexy witch, or an adult pirate costume.

And for the serious playa who’s just dying to don that purple suede suit with leopard lining and matching hat, check out these pimp costumes.

It’s truly amazing how many creative sexy and fantasy costumes can be found, if you just know where to look.

What About Just Straight Fun Costumes? 

Then again, it’s not always about sex (just most of the time).

The lock and key costume is a great gag costume for those couples where the lady wears the pants. Just look at the picture and imagine it reversed, with her wearing the key. You know who you are.

Sexy Halloween Costumes

If you’re going to find a great, sexy outfit for Halloween, start looking now and order in plenty of time. Check out some of the great sexy costumes at Costumes, Inc and see what sparks your imagination.

They also have a special offer for our readers. When you order, be sure to use the coupon code "askdanjen" to get 15% off any order over $75 (except closeouts and shipping).

At the very least, check out the upstairs maid. Remember, no upstairs is complete without one. 

Note: This is a Sponsored Review brought to you by Costumes, Inc, but all opinions are our own. 

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Lingerie and sexy costumes are proven and effective tools used in the art of seduction. And as we all know, there are hundreds of online lingerie stores that all look pretty much the same…

But, occasionally we find a website that’s worth mentioning and Vicki’s Drawers is one of those… It’s a lingerie store, but not just a lingerie store. Vicki also provides her customers with great advice and a personal shopper service.

What is a personal shopper? It’s someone who knows the trend, styles, and more importantly someone who knows what will look good on your specific body type. Your personal shopper can save you hours of time and help you avoid the frustration of picking something out, only to find out that it looked really great on the rack but not on you. Just give Vicki a call or send her an email. She’ll shop for you and send you pictures of suggestions that you may like.

Vicki tells a tale of how she played dress-up in her grandmother’s closet as a child and dreamed of the woman she would become some far-away day and have all those feminine lace-and-satin things of her very own. It was these memories that planted the seed of owning her own lingerie shop. That dream has come true, online for now, but eventually Vicki hopes to own a physical lingerie shop.

Oh, and did we mention that she operates Vicki’s Drawers with her guy.

Together we searched for the perfect items to encourage women of all body types to fantasize about just how their own lovely, womanly curves will complete them, how the fabric will feel on their skin, and how their own lovers will react at the first sight of them, returning the gaze, expectant and blushing with desire.

So what do you dream and fantasize about? Really. When no one else is around… That you’re a goddess who is worshiped and adored by your lover? Or perhaps a wicked seductress claiming any lover she desires?

Stop living your fantasies only in your head. Regardless of your fantasy, Vicki will help you select the perfect lingerie to turn your fantasy into reality.

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And like with most things that are driven underground (prostitution being a great example), it’s hard to find good, safe tips and information… so you’re left to experimentation.

Rough sex is largely about mind games, dominance, and control – not just the physical

While many people think of rough sex as having mainly to do with physical aggression, when you truly get into it you’ll realize the most important aspect is generally the mental one. The mind games, the dominant and submissive relationship that quickly develops into total trust and absolute control.

Is make up sex just an excuse to have rough sex?

As amazing as it sounds, some couples actually have arguments and fights just so they have a socially acceptable excuse for what’s commonly known as make up sex (read: rough, wild, and passionate sex).

Here’s a question from a couple in Wyoming hoping to spice up their sex lives by experimenting with rough sex.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My partner and I have started to get into rough sex, but as far as we have gone with it, it’s just him pulling my hair and spanking me. I have tried to find other stuff online that we could add in, but really can’t find much. Any suggestions?

– Ellie, Wyoming

Explore your sexual fantasies together

One of the wonderful things about being a couple is that you have a friend, a partner in crime, someone to share your experiences and the joys of life with.

Talk with your partner and share your fantasies…

It’s very important to explore and discover your fantasies together with your partner… many people keep their fantasies to themselves, which is a recipe for a boring sex life.

Watch some erotic movies TOGETHER and talk about what turns each of you on

Pay attention to the feelings that surface early on, and what excites you. Even if it’s just a hint of an idea or a feeling, run with it. Hard core porn doesn’t usually do much for women, but there are plenty of erotic thrillers that should do the trick. Movies like 9 1/2 Weeks are a great example of a dominant / submissive relationship evolving. Here are some erotic movies to check out.

Safety is a very important in rough sex play

Rough sex is often about pushing and breaking through boundaries, which is why safety is so important to discuss UP FRONT.

Decide on a safe word

This is a word that actually means “stop right now, no matter what”. It can be any word you agree on, but it’s best for it to have nothing to do with “stop” or “don’t do that”. This is because in rough sex play, pushing these boundaries often includes the idea of forced sex, etc. Thus “stop” doesn’t necessarily mean much. Something like “flower”, “coffee”, or “butterfly” is much more effective. Be creative, and make sure you both remember it.

Set a few simple ground rules that will NOT be broken

Rough sex is often about pushing and breaking boundaries, so you really can’t make a lot of rules around it. But agree ahead of time if there are a few specific things you ABSOLUTELY do NOT want to do. Remember, this is all about pushing boundaries and head games, so don’t set too many rules. Just a few so that you can really let go and have fun without worrying about going to far and spoiling the moment.

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"She’s playing games with him." "He’s playing games with her." "They’re playing games with each other."

These comments are always accompanied by stern looks of disapproval. But if I enjoy a game of tennis with my lover, nobody’s going to accuse us of "playing games with each other".

What’s going on?

Most people pay lip service to the idea that "mind games" is bad, bad, bad. But who among us never plays them? I submit that these games are not always bad; in fact sometimes they are good and even downright necessary to social interaction. I like to call them "social games". 

Playing mind games in love and sex can be everything from exhilarating to heart crushing.

Games can be anything from psychological bantering to role playing. The perception that playing mind games is bad comes from the fact that far too many people use little known seduction tactics to take advantage of other people. 

However, when everyone involved knows that they’re playing, it can be an incredibly fun ride. A chance to let your hair down and try something new or be someone new for a little while.

Dan and I both love the chase… And we both know it. So while some couple might get jealous if their partner flirts with someone else. For us, it’s exciting because we know we’re having really hot sex tonight! The key here is that we have a completely open and honest relationship. We tell each other absolutely everything.

I know you’ve got fantasies that involve some sort of game playing even thought you may not call it that. You see, having a fantasy IS a mind game.

One word of caution for couples who like to play games, make sure that you’re both always on the same page and are completely open and honest with one another. If a game goes too far, say so. If you want it to go farther, say so.

I would love to hear any thoughts or ideas that you may have on this topic.

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