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When Does Harmless Flirtation Become An Affair?

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 22:00:56 +0000

Some would say there is no such thing as a “harmless” flirtation. I disagree. Humans flirt. It isn’t just a mating ritual; it is one of the many ways we communicate with each other, extending an invitation for various levels of closeness. When you are around babies and small children and begin cooing and talking baby talk, you’re flirting! It’s a way of letting others know you are safe and fun to be with. It is a way of getting close. However, among married or committed adults, harmless flirting can become an affair long before any physical act of passion takes place.

For simplicity’s sake, we’ll refer to married life in light of this issue. However, it is clearly true that the same advice can be applied to any committed relationship!

Flirtation vs. Affair

The shift from flirtation to affair happens before you begin doing the things in the list I have provided below. The shift happens when deep inside yourself you feel a sense of loyalty and belonging to this other person. You feel the rush of falling in love, even if you don’t call it that. A chemical reaction even happens in your body, allowing this stranger to feel like “home.” Then the following kinds of things begin to happen, sending up a red flag that you have crossed the line.

You can’t wait till the next time you text, instant message, call, or see that person.
You begin sharing things with him or her that you don’t share with your spouse.
You begin making a list of the things you look forward to sharing with your new friend.
You create experiences or conversations with this person that you are reluctant to share with your spouse.
All your spare thoughts are for and about the other person.
You dress for him or her, rather than for your spouse or even yourself.
The two of you begin sharing secrets.
You find that his or her cologne or perfume makes you feel warm and fuzzy.
You resent the time your marriage steals from your new friend.

At this stage of the game, you have an emotional affair underway. Now what? There are many things that need to happen if your first priority is to save your marriage.

An Emotional Affair

First of all, understand that this emotional affair doesn’t mean your marriage is over. Your relationship does need attention. That is obvious.

Take responsibility for what you have created. Don’t waste time playing the blame game, accusing anyone else for your lapse in judgment. Thank God for your ability to make new friends and then get busy taking your life back before it gets ruined.

Get clear about whether or not you wish to remain married. If this emotional affair is the last straw on an already burdened marriage that has been heading for divorce for some time, you need to be aware of that. However, if it was a lapse in judgment and you want to save your marriage, allow it to serve as a yellow flag that your spouse and your marriage need your attention.

If You Want To Save Your Marriage

Stop the behaviors that led you into this affair. Quit texting, instant messaging, and calling this other person. Quit sharing things with him or her that you do not want to share with your spouse. Quit having private lunches or any other private rendezvous.

You may have to tell your friend that while you appreciate the friendship, your family needs more of you and that it’s time for you to turn your attention back to your family. I don’t suggest acknowledging to your friend that the two of you are in the middle of an emotional affair. Not if you want to save your marriage.

If you want to save your marriage, your emotional state in light of your friend is actually none of his or her business. It is your business and it may be your spouse’s business, but it isn’t your friend’s business.

Treat turning your thoughts away from this friend and back to your real life and the real loves in your life like a self-growth or spiritual discipline. You don’t have to beat yourself up when you find your thoughts drifting to him or her. Simply turn your thoughts to something else, anything else that has to do with your real life. (I say real because unless this emotional affair is solid proof to you that your marriage is over, you are living a fantasy getting your emotional needs met this way).

Open Communication

Talk to your spouse. Without blame, open the door for discussions about what the two of you need to do and how you need to be in order to strengthen your relationship. The emotional affair may have been an accident, but it is also a warning that your relationship is fragile and needs nourishment. Assure your spouse that your heart, your head, and your body are in the marriage. Be prepared to have that assurance tested by your spouse and your own thoughts and feelings.

Stick to the process with a renewed commitment to increase the intimacy and friendship between you and your spouse and the lapse in judgment that led to the emotional affair could turn out to be a true gift.

Do You Know Why Your Partner is Pushing You Away?

Melody Brooke — Sat, 07 Jun 2008 13:42:27 +0000

Don was a tall thin, ex bass guitar player of 43 who had been sober for 18 months. He had, for the first time in his adult life begun to experience the pleasure of being alive without drugs in his system and had met Karen. Karen was a divorcee with two teenaged children. Her ex-husband had been a raging, violent alcoholic with whom she had struggled nearly 20 years to make a life.

When she met Don she felt relieved to be with someone who listened to her feelings, cared about what she thought and wanted. Together they forged an attempt at a marriage. Within six months Don had begun verbally putting her down and nagging at her for minor infractions. Karen had been “through this before” and she withdrew from him emotionally, mentally making her plans for divorce before they were through their first year.

The Underlying Issues

Before the year was out she had divorced him and was convinced that no man could be what she needed. When I spoke with her a few months after the divorce she told me about the failure of their marriage. She said he had never been able to perform sexually, but that she was not upset about it; she was just happy to have someone who cared about her. But as his own since of inadequacy around his sexual performance grew, he became angrier and angrier toward her, ultimately pushing her to divorce.

I was saddened that she had not discussed her marital problems with me prior to their divorce because I knew what had happened could have been prevented had she been aware of the dynamic underlying his behaviors. Don’s insecurity put him in a position of feeling trapped and hopeless, despairing of being the partner for his wife in the way he wanted. His instinct was to move into a self-protective mode, pushing her away so that she would not want to be sexual with him. Karen then reacted back in her own self-protective mode and retreated behind first emotional barriers, then legal ones.

Both in tremendous pain and feeling like a failure, the marriage dissolved without so much as a look back.

Failure Out of Fear

Don and Karen’s dramatic example of how a marriage can fail out of a fear that is not addressed highlights the pain that results from a lack of compassion in marriage. Do I think Karen should have continued to put up with his verbal abuse? No, I don’t. But I do think that if she had been able to see through the rage into the pain that was underneath, she may have been able to save her marriage.

Don continued to be the same loving, gentle, wounded soul she had married, but she lost sight of that because of how his hurt and fear played out. No one can blame her for that considering the abuse she had endured for nearly 20 years. Yet all in all, it was such a shame for both of them.

Had Karen recognized that he was pushing her away because he was so fearful of rejection by her because of his inadequacy in the bedroom, she could have responded to him with empathy instead of self-protective anger. Had Don recognized and been able to own his true fear to her instead of pushing her away, things might have turned out very differently…

Women: 5 Ways To Save Your Marriage

Michael Webb — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 14:03:47 +0000

Is your marriage in trouble? No matter how bad, there’s always hope and ways to turn your situation around.

Here are five common ways to help create a better, more loving and harmonious relationship with your husband.

1. Handle arguments differently

Every marriage and relationship has arguments, but it’s how you handle them that’s most important.

At Junior High School, I said ‘no’ to drugs. At my wedding altar, I said ‘no’ to fighting. Nancy Reagan’s "Just Say No" anti-drug campaign was a huge success.

Kids made a verbal commitment and a mental stance to avoid drugs before they were even of the age to be tempted. When they were introduced to drugs, they knew they could "just say no" and not feel alone.

Fighting is NOT harmless. It’s addictive and, if continued, is likely to cause irreparable damage. Certainly there are times when emotions get wrinkled, and the natural inclination is to blow your top.

I sometimes have to bite my tongue so I don’t say something I would regret later (since when is self-control a bad thing?) Having a naturally calm personality has admittedly made it easier for me to think before I speak than it is for some people. But that shouldn’t stop anyone from trying.

2. How to make him listen

In most relationships, a polite and sincere request gets much greater results than if you yell, nag or complain.

For example, the other day Athena saw my bath towel on the middle of our bedroom floor. She said "you might want to hang up your towel or it won’t dry out in time for your shower tomorrow." When my clothes pile up outside of the hamper, she sweetly says, "it would really help me out a lot if you put your dirty clothes in the hamper."

She was exhausted one morning and when Ashton (then five months old) began to stir, she turned over to me and asked if I wanted to "get up and have a little morning playtime with Ashton."

That was a much nicer way of asking me to help her out than saying, "Why am I the one who always gets up early to take care of YOUR son? I think it is YOUR turn for a change." Athena always thinks of nice ways to ask me to help out or to stop doing something irritating.

3. Turn gossip and bashing into praise

No one’s perfect. When wives get together and the conversation turns to complaining about “what their husbands do,” or male bashing in general, refuse to participate.

It shows that you respect and value your husband. For a man, few things are more devastating than to have his wife criticize him in front of friends. Instead, when a "gripe session" gets going, make it a point to start sharing some of his good qualities.

Usually, this alone will steer the conversation into a positive direction and help your friends to also praise their husbands — which in turn helps them to respect and appreciate them more too. Knowing that my wife refuses to belittle me in front of friends makes me love and respect her even more.

4. Change your routine of life

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