He Talks About Sex At Inappropriate Times

Even though men think about doing the nasty almost all the time, most men know when to keep their mouths shut about it. Most men aren’t going to try to hold a discussion about sex positions over the dinner table, but a man who is addicted to sex might not find anything wrong with this scenario. If he’s bringing up the topic of sex at really inappropriate times, such as at your parent’s house (in front of your parents) or during business meetings, he might be an addict.

Even if he doesn’t necessarily start talking about the amazing anal sex you had last night at a luncheon, he might still be an a addict if the subject of getting it on makes its way into his conversations often. These conversations may be reserved for you or his friends, but if that’s all he seems to be able to talk about with you, it could be a signal that he can’t stop thinking about doing it for more than a few minutes at a time.

He Watches Porn For Hours A Day

Often, men who are addicts will relieve themselves through watching porn and masturbating. All men masturbate – and most of them watch porn while they’re doing it – but that doesn’t mean that all guys are obsessed with getting it on. Normally, a man might only need to watch a dirty flick for several minutes before finishing the job, but a man with an addiction to sex may watch porn for hours at a time or several times a day.

He Needs To Masturbate Often In Addition To Frequent Sex

Even if a man has sex often with his partner, he’s still going to masturbate on the side. There’s nothing women can do about that and it’s completely natural. However, a man who is obsessed with it is going to go overboard on both counts – he’s going to be masturbating and having intercourse daily or even several times a day.

Even if you and your partner are having great intercourse daily, if he’s addicted to it, you may find him masturbating on the side as often as you have intercourse or perhaps even more. Most men are able to reach a point where they feel sexually satisfied and aren’t driven to have intercourse or masturbate, but men who are addicted to doing the dirty aren’t ever going to get to that “satisfied” place.

The Need For Sex Interrupts His Daily Life

As with any addiction, it becomes a true addiction when it begins to interrupt a person’s daily life. Is your partner adjusting his schedule to make time for more sex or masturbation? Is he late to functions because of intercourse or masturbation? Does he fail to make plans with his family or friends because he’d rather stay home and get it on or masturbate instead? These are all symptoms of a serious addiction. If you find that your partner’s need for sexual release is interfering with his life or your relationship, it may be time to seek help for his addiction.

He Cheats On You

For some addicts, sex with one partner and frequent masturbation isn’t even enough. He may begin to seek sexual release from other partners, especially if the opportunity presents itself. This is in part due to never feeling truly satisfied sexually, but also because getting it on is literally at the forefront of his thoughts all the time. A man who is addicted will have a difficult time looking at a woman and not associating her with sex in some form or fashion.

He Pressures You To Have Sex

A true addict really doesn’t like hearing “no” when it comes to getting it on. Some men who are really addicted to sex can be involved with rape or date rape, but most aren’t. However, a man that has a problem might put more pressure on a woman to have sex with him than an ordinary man would.

Your man might be an addict if he pressures you constantly to get busy with him, or doesn’t listen to you when you say “no.” If you’re constantly having to thwart his advances – especially at inappropriate times – consider seeking help for your partner for an addiction.

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Question: Hello Dan and Jenn, I have a problem and I hope you can help me. I’m 25 years old and I go to university. However, I feel sometimes I cannot stay focused because I have too many sex fantasies during class. I don’t know why, but I’m starting to engage in wishful thinking quite often. Not only in class but in social situations, riding the bus, doing homework, it just happens. What can I do to stop my sex drive from affecting my grades and my life?

–YouTube Viewer

Your Body Is Trying To Tell You Something

If you find that you are thinking about sex all the time, or more often than usual, your body is definitely trying to tell you something. If the fantasies overrun your life, your body isn’t getting the sexual relief it needs so it tells your brain to think about sex – a lot. Just like when your body has cravings for a certain food, your body is telling you it needs sex. This is one time that you really want to listen to your body, especially if you find that the sexual fantasies are popping up everywhere, no matter what you’re doing and you find it hard to concentrate on anything else.

Finding Sexual Relief

When you find yourself fantasizing about sex often, take some time to find some time to satisfy yourself. If you’re in a relationship with someone and are sexually active, try having sex more often or incorporating some of your fantasies in your sex life. If you’re with someone and haven’t had sex yet, think about becoming sexually active with them if there are no moral or religious reasons that are keeping you from having sex. Last but not least, one of the easiest ways to relieve sexual frustration whether you’re in a relationship or not is masturbation. To try to keep the fantasies at bay while you’re at school or work, try having sex or masturbating in the morning before you leave. If you find that you’re really struggling throughout the day, you can pop in the bathroom for a quick masturbation session if you have to. Chances are though, if you incorporate more sex or masturbation into your life at home, you’ll find that you’re just fine at work or school.

Is It A Sex Addiction?

If you can’t shake your sexual fantasies regardless of how much sex you have or how much you masturbate, you may be a sex addict. A sex addiction can really interfere with your life and make living day to day very difficult. If you think you have a sex addiction, don’t hesitate to seek professional help. A counselor or specialized therapist can help you find the root of the problem so you can work towards finding a solution.

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I just spent three days at a symposium on addiction and the speakers there reminded me of just how ubiquitous sexual additions are in our society.

Most of the time I tend to think of men as the ones harboring secret sexual addictions but, of course, women are just as subject to sexual addictions as men.  We really are not that different, are we?

The Truth About Sexual Addiction

Strangely, most sexual addictions have little to do with sex, other than the fact that the behaviors take place in the context of sexuality.  Exhibitionism is really about wanting to feel the power of having shocked someone.  Pornography is about fantasy.

Most of the others, like sadomasochistic fetishes are all about regaining a sense of power and control.  Strangely enough, even the avoidance of sex can be a “addictive” behavior according to Maureen Canning of the Meadows Treatment Center.

As a wife who avoided sex over the course of many years of my previous marriages, this one got my attention.  I was, as many women are, quite able to enjoy a courtship and “honeymoon” phase of an active and athletic sex life during the beginning phases of my relationships.

But, as the relationship moved out of the fantasy stage and into the reality of a real, day to day set of interactions, sex disappeared.  It didn’t disappear because my husband wasn’t interested.  No, it disappeared because I became angry and disgusted with his continuing to be happy with sex as the lifeblood of our relationship.

Once we were married I think I expected our relationship to magically blossom into a real intimate connection.  Never mind that I had no clue how to do that.  But I was certain it was my husband’s fault because HE was such an angry, avoidant, workaholic.

Certainly I was the innocent victim of his deliberate withholding of time, attention and kindness.  So, I withheld sexual contact from him because I was so angry with him.  I never thought of it as being addictive behavior.

But if you re-frame how you think about what addiction is, you can easily see how it really is an addictive process.  As Maureen Canning says, most sexual addiction is really about power and control.

I was clearly attempting to get a sense of power in the relationship by moving into the Self-Protective withdrawal position.  I put up barriers to prevent myself from feeling vulnerable to his angry, avoidant behaviors.  I did this in an attempt to get power and control over feeling like his Victim…

Sexual Anorexia

How many wives do this? I asked Maureen if she new of any other resources for information about  this form of addiction she calls “Sexual Anorexia” and she directed me to a book by Patrick Carnes.  I have not yet gotten a copy of the book but I do think it’s fascinating.

A lot of unhappy husbands will probably relate to this scenario.  Maureen talked about the “offending” quality of this behavior.  I have to admit I never would have thought of myself as doing any “offending” by this behavior, but I was clearly damaging my relationship.

The word offending does bring up legal or even criminal meaning, but one simple definition is “wrong”.  And it was indeed “wrong” of me to withhold sex in order to meet my own power and control needs.

But don’t you offending men take heart at this either, because addictive relationships generally require two addicts.  The partners to the Sexual Anorexic are obviously the “Co-dependant” in the relationship and just as addicted in their own way.  One partner is generally a “Sex Addict” and the other is the “Sexual Anorexic”.  Both are just opposite ends of the spectrum from the other.

The more classic “Sex Addict” is the one who gets a sense of power and control by engaging in some form of sexual activity.  Of course, the sex act itself is mood enhancing and can be a way to alter an unhappy mood.

Where Is The Real Problem?

Sex is not meant to be about power and control or even mood enhancing.  Sex is supposed to be intimate, passionate play with your partner. Any other covert use for it is “wrong” or “offensive”.  If passionate play is not how either of you experience your sexual relationship, then there is a problem.

So What Do You Do If You Are Using Sex Addictively?

First of all you have to just recognize that you are using sex (or your sexual power as in Sexual Anorexia) in a way that is harmful to your relationship.  Once you recognize what you are doing you have to stop the offensive behavior and deal with the feelings that are buried underneath the behavior.

This can be a simple but uncomfortable process, or it can be a complex and debilitating one.  If you begin the process of eliminating your sexual addictive behaviors and find yourself feeling overwhelmed. Don’t hesitate to call a professional because, like any addiction, if it is severe enough it can be life threatening.

No joke, the feelings underneath the sexual addictions can be very intense and lead to severe withdrawal symptoms.  Take care of yourself as you open your eyes to how you may have been unwittingly causing harm to your relationship.

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Anal sex can be fun and intriguing if you’re smart about it, but what if your partner becomes addicted to anal sex? What do you do?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My boyfriend and I have a wonderful emotional relationship as well as a wonderful physical relationship. He recently convinced me to try anal sex. I hated it at first but after giving it a few extra shots it was ok. He loves it so much! So most of the time I let him finish there. Lately I’ve noticed that if we skip the anal and just stick to vaginal, he can’t finish and just ends up loosing his erection. Am I not tight enough anymore in comparison?? I am 20 and he is 32… Is there a possibility that he is loosing his drive?

– Frustrated Girl

Is This A Medical Issue?

Enjoying anal sex is nothing to be ashamed about. Lots of people enjoy anal sex! However, if your partner is wanting to have a lot of anal sex, you might be concerned. Even more so, if your partner is losing their erection if they’re not having anal sex, you might wonder what you’re doing wrong or if there’s something wrong with your partner.

Talk to your partner about it. Find out how they feel. They might not know that you don’t want to have as much anal sex as they do, so you need to talk about it with them. You might be able to find a compromise between anal and traditional sex.

If your partner is consistently losing his erection, that could be another issue altogether. If this is the case, consider seeing a medical doctor and even a sex therapist to find out what might be the issue.

Out, Not In

Remember that the anal canal was created to be an exit, not an entrance. That doesn’t mean you can’t have a little fun with it now and again, but you certainly don’t want to make a huge habit out of it. The anal canal is not self lubricating meaning you will need to use lots and lots of lubrication during anal sex.

Avoid using sharp or large objects during anal sex, or the anus could tear or perforate, causing you lots of trouble in the long run. Having anal sex means being safe about it, and respecting the fact that it wasn’t designed for the purpose of sex.

When Enough Is Enough

There might come a point where you feel like your partner is asking you for more anal sex than you’d like to have. That’s okay, but it’s important that you speak up about it! If you find through your doctor that your partner has no medical issues that would cause them to want anal sex more often, try to find ways to sexually satisfy your partner without anal sex.

There are lots of different sex toys on the market, ranging from the tame to the extreme. Visit a toy store together and browse through things until you and your partner find something you might like to try. You might even find something you like better than anal sex!

All in all, anal sex can definitely be fun if you and your partner both enjoy it and you’re safe and smart about it. While you probably don’t want to be having anal sex all the time, you can certainly save it for that special occasion or for times when you and your partner are feeling especially frisky.

There’s nothing wrong with it as long as you’re both on the same page about your wants, needs and expectations as far as anal sex is concerned!

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There’s a scientific explanation for it.  It’s a chemical released by the brain that gives us those warm, fuzzy feelings when we first meet someone new and the relationship gets off to a great start.

Unfortunately, those “new” feelings tend to wear off, especially when the relationship isn’t new anymore. How can you keep the “new” feeling alive, even after your relationship has passed the “mature” mark?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other for 3 years now.  We were both virgins when we started dating. Well, about a year ago. I caught her seeing another guy.  We broke up but still talked and remained friends. She went through 3 other guys after that and had sex with every one of them. I told her to take it slow with every guy she dated.  After a while I asked her why she was rushing into bed with each guy she dated.  She told me she was excited to have this “new feeling”.  This worries me considering we have been back together for a month after working things out.

So my question is how do I keep this new feeling with her so she doesn’t find some one else again?

- Seth, Michigan

Keep it exciting

One of the biggest reasons that the “new” feeling is lost is that one or both partners start to get comfortable. This can be expressed in a variety of different ways, including wearing flannel pajamas instead of lingerie or burping in front of her after a cold beer. Some people stop working out or stop caring about their image as much, causing their partner to become less physically attracted to them.

Regardless of how it is expressed, however, getting comfortable can kill a “new relationship” buzz in no time. You can keep your relationship exciting by trying your best to avoid getting comfortable. Do everything you would do if you had just met your partner.

If you wouldn’t dream of picking your wedgie in front of a girlfriend you’ve had for two weeks, don’t do it in front of your girlfriend of six months or even a year. Would you buy flowers for your new girlfriend? Buy them for your girlfriend of three months too. If you’re a lady, would you dare let your brand new boyfriend see you without a stitch of makeup or after you haven’t shaved your legs for three weeks? Don’t let your boyfriend of eight months see you like that either!

Take the time and effort to do everything as you would for a new boyfriend or girlfriend and you can keep the relationship exciting.

Searching for the high…

Some people, known as serial daters, are in constant search of that chemical high they get when they’re with someone new. Unfortunately, serial daters don’t know this is why they date someone and break up with them, date someone and break up with them, etc. To a serial dater, each boyfriend or girlfriend had a legitimate reason or fault for the break up.

This usually is a destructive pattern and leads to the serial dater feeling like no relationship will ever work out for them. If you suspect you might be a serial dater, you can seek counseling to help you deal with the bigger issues at hand. If you’re the victim of a serial dater, especially if he or she keeps coming back to you after a string of other partners, you might want to move on.

Trying to get them to realize what is happening is a lost cause, because they won’t see it no matter how many times you point it out to them. If a serial dater breaks up with you, especially if it’s the third, fourth or fifth time, move on and find someone who can commit.

While it takes work, you can keep the “new” feeling alive for as long as you put the effort in. Try your best to stay on your toes and avoid getting comfortable. Treat your partner like you just met them last week and enjoy your relationship day by day.

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