Ask Dan and Jennifer » sex before marriage

Do We Need Real Sex Ed In Schools? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 13:30:28 +0000

Sex education in schools – if you have a child , it’s undoubtedly something you’re going to encounter at some point during your child’s school education. You’ll want to know what your child is learning – but does that mean that those of us who do not have children should be unconcerned about the sex education that our children as a society are being taught? Not hardly – there are too many limitations placed on sex ed these days in school that the lack of comprehensive sex education is truly an epidemic of large proportions.

What do you think? Should we educate our kids about sex and how to be safe, or tell them to pretend all their friends aren’t having sex and hope for the best? Education or ignorance?

Click here to view the embedded video.

Abstinence Only?

Every sex education program needs to include abstinence. It is a great choice for teens of all ages, because it keeps them completely safe from pregnancy, STD’s and emotional damage until they’re ready for it. But abstinence is just that – a choice. There are other choices when it comes to sex ed, mainly deciding to have sex and have protected or unprotected sex. It’s a choice that many of our teens today are making – they’re making the decisions, so why aren’t we talking to them about it?

According to a 2006 study from the Guttmacher Institute, abstinence only programs make up the sex education curriculum in half of the schools in the southern United States and 1 in 5 schools in the northern part of the U.S. Many schools absolutely forbid education on safer sex, such as education about available contraceptives. Some abstinence only education curriculums do touch on sexually transmitted diseases, if only to scare teens into becoming abstinent, and some touch on male and female anatomy and how babies are born.

Government Control?

Why are the schools in the United States choosing abstinent only curriculum? Waiting until marriage to have sex is largely a religious concept, and with the separation of church and state, schools are no longer allowed to have prayer in schools – so why are they promoting a form of sex education that is founded on religion? A little digging unearths some unsettling facts. $176 million dollars in government funding is available to schools in the United States who promote an abstinence only sex education program. $0 is available to schools in the United States who choose to teach comprehensive sex ed in their classrooms. The federal guidelines for sexual activity include anything that is sexually arousing – including kissing and hugging – and federal guidelines for these sex ed programs require teachers to suggest that sex outside of marriage is wrong and unsafe at any age.

Teens Will Choose To Have Sex – So What Do We Do?

Teaching abstinence in schools doesn’t automatically shut off a teenager’s hormones. It doesn’t suddenly make them not want to have sex, especially when our marketing, television shows and commericals, movies and music promote sex and sexuality at every turn. Our job as parents – and as a civilized society – is to teach children about all of their choices, including the choices to have sex both protected and unprotected. Knowledge is power and children deserve to know what their options are, including what can happen with each choice. Children deserve to know how you feel about sex and what you expect of them, as well as how to learn what they expect of themselves. A properly educated teenager may choose not to have sex at all, or they may choose to have safe, protected sex with someone they care about when they are ready. Uneducated or poorly educated children will not know what to do when a sexual situation arises, when they don’t understand why they should say no, or what to do when their bodies are telling them to do something entirely different. They may choose to have sex, but they may not know that there are options available to help make sex safer for both them and their partners, so they may end up pregnant or with a sexually transmitted diseases.

Perhaps it’s too soon to hope that the federal government will fund comprehensive sex education, but it certainly something we can take into our own hands. Find out what they’re teaching at your child’s school, and fill in the gaps. Give your children the power to choose – and to choose wisely.

Love, Sex, and Dating 2008 – The Best of Dan and Jennifer

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 13:55:32 +0000

Just in case you missed any of the excitement this year, here’s a wrap of 2008!

I’m including our best, most talked about, and most controversial love, sex, and dating topics of the year.

Enjoy!

Love & Relationships

Sex & Intimacy

Singles & Dating

Christian Couples FINALLY Enjoying ‘Whoopee’ Time!

Christ Pro Erotic — Sun, 20 Jul 2008 13:56:43 +0000

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ;Let me take the speck out of your eye when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?"" Matthew 7: 3,4 (New International Version)

Nearly five years since starting Christian Pro Erotic, after years of struggling with my faith and my sexual needs, after hearing the stories of many people of faith in the same situation I finally read the article in the July 7th Time Magazine.

Sexuality for Married Couples

And God Said, "Just Do It" is about Christian fellowships and churches tackling sexuality for married couples. It seems a movement is burgeoning where ministers and ministries are focusing on one issue: married couples in the church need more sex!

Finally, after so many years, we are cleaning a stubborn speck in the eye. Instead of putting down those in the world whose marriages do not live up to the snuff of church standards Christians will finally try to take out the plank of high divorce rates and failed sex lives from the eye of the body of Christ.

Christian couples are finding programs such as New Directions Christian Church (Memphis, Tennessee) with their series"40 Nights of Grreat Sex" or Relevant Church (Tampa, Florida) with their "30-Day Sex Challenge" available to them to help their marriages grow and prosper.

I can tell you 20 years ago or so the advice would have been to "just pray about it and God will give you the clues to figure our how it will work out".

A step in the right direction

Not anymore.

Now along with the Good Book we are finding couples armed with (gasp) the Joy of Sex in their arsenal to take back their bedrooms from a stale existence.

To me this is a step in the right direction and one which is way overdue; if these materials were available to Christian couples in the past–leadership and members–many marriages could have avoided heartache and tragedy in their lives. To realize they are failing in the battle in the bedroom is a signal playtime is over. The church is ready to catch up with many other couples who made each night a night to remember.

The church had a flimsy argument to folks outside the church about engaging in spicing up their bedroom life. We kept serving Vanilla when everyone else dove into cartons of Rocky Road and Cookies and Cream (whether you add this to your bedroom play is up to you).

The church balked at toys, oils, massages and (gasp) alternative venues to make things interesting. The thing I could not understand was how those folks who lasted 40 plus years together keep it together when it came to times of intimacy?

The road that led to adultery

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My Boyfriend Wants To Have Sex Before Marriage But I’m Not Sure. Is It Really Okay? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Sun, 18 May 2008 14:53:51 +0000

Sex before marriage. It’s a tough topic that many people feel very passionate about, but not everyone is passionate about it for the same reasons.

Many people believe that sex before marriage is wrong or immoral and others believe that it’s not an issue.

While there may never be a universal agreement on whether sex before marriage is acceptable or not, many men and women find themselves in this situation before they’ve even given much thought to the question.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Hello, I’m Lizeth from Turkey. I want to ask a question about virginity.

Here doing sex before marriage isn’t common. I have a foreign boyfriend, and he want to have sex with me and I it want too.

I know in America you don’t care so much about it. I just want to learn your things. Is it bad?

Sorry about the mistakes in the e-mail, I’m not a native speaker of English.

– Lizeth, Turkey

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Is having sex before marriage wrong?

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Met Someone New? How Long Should You Date Before It’s OK To Have Sex? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Sat, 05 Apr 2008 14:17:17 +0000

You’ve met someone new.

You have a great connection and things look great.

So when is it okay to have sex for the first time?

There are those who believe it’s okay to have sex on the first date. Others think the third date is the right time, but still others believe you should wait much longer. Perhaps as long until after the wedding.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

How long should I date a man morally speaking before we have sex??

And so it will be a better relationship if that’s what is meant to be…

–Erica, California

Watch this short video for our thoughts on this very interesting question…

Don’t forget. Click here to Give this Video 5 Stars on YouTube and Subscribe to Ask Dan And Jennifer so you’ll stay up to date with our latest videos.

Then, be sure to chime in and tell us your thoughts – leave a comment below.

The morality of sex

Morally speaking, there is no right or wrong answer to this question – which is what makes it such a great question. People who are uncertain about what boundaries they have when making the decision to have sex with the person they’re dating might be a little surprised to learn that the only boundaries they have are the ones they set for themselves…

Abstinence Only? Does it Really Work?

Christ Pro Erotic — Sun, 16 Mar 2008 14:45:55 +0000

Shelby Knox is one of my biggest heroes!

Who is she? She was a Lubbock, Texas high school student (she’s now in college as of this writing), a church attendee, and comes from a conservative home. Knox was also the subject of the PBS series “P.O.V.” called “The Education of Shelby Knox” where she is the focus of her four years in high school and her fight to bring comprehensive sexual education to her school. Why would someone like her be leading a fight like this?

The Prophet

Like any good “prophet” she saw her people—classmates—suffering form increasing teen pregnancy in her school and others in Lubbock and the spread of STDs. She challenged the Lubbock School Board several times but to no avail; in her journey she realizes places like Lubbock and other areas in the country need to give teens the tools needed to help them to make informed choices when being intimate with another person.

Knox is one of my heroes because she was willing to step outside of her comfort zone and ask the tough questions needed to be asked. Her example helps me to write what I write and ask those tough questions the church and Christians are afraid to ask. I also share her passion over ending the abstinence only teaching in most country and start teaching a through sexual education program around the country and the world.

Choose abstinence for the right reasons

Don’t get me wrong; abstinence is not a bad thing to decide to do for your sexual health. I remember taking my human sexuality course and the instructor taking a sheet of paper and drew a line through the page.

On one side, the risk of being abstinence, the other side, the risk of being sexually active was on the other side of the sheet. While the risk on the sexually active is evident—STD, pregnancy, emotional issues, etc.—those who stay abstinent avoided any of those possible pitfalls. Now proponents supporting the latter view will smile, give high fives, and point at me saying, “see, I told you so!”

Real world issues

However, lets look at the real world shall we? We are human beings, but we are many different parts that make us who we are. We are spiritual beings with the need to be connected with the divine. We are social beings with the need to connect with other people around us. We are sexual beings because, I believe, God made us with the great power to enjoy our sexuality and create life.

With such a great power and responsibility, shouldn’t the final say of how it is used be left to us? The Spiderman geek in me harkens to the mantra created by Stan Lee:“With great power comes great responsibility.”

Give them some credit

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Think Masturbation is Wrong? Here’s The REAL Truth…

Christ Pro Erotic — Sun, 09 Mar 2008 14:18:15 +0000

This is how messed up my understanding of faith and sexuality was as a believer in Jesus. In order to show myself worthy and approved, in order to make sure I can present myself pure before God, self-love was not an option for a believer because it was seen as a sin against God.

Masturbation means I see something (or someone) to cause my loins to stir and thus touch myself; this means I violated the "fornication" code of having sex outside of marriage and violating God’s plan for me.

The message against masturbation

I can’t remember if I became a believer first, masturbated first, or both, but I think after reading some Christian books and hearing teachers from the pulpit come heavy against sexual issues I got the message very clear. If you are to a believer of honor, then you are to keep yourself sexually pure till marriage.

I tried not to touch myself down there. Not to masturbate or think of pleasing myself because it’s evil, of course. My will power (unfortunately) was like one Cosmo Kramer who was the first to loose "the Contest" against Jerry, Elaine, and George on the Seinfield series.

Then again, that could be a good thing.

But is It really wrong?

You see after many tears, many times mentally and spiritually beating myself up, I soon realized maybe masturbation is not a bad thing after all. My human sexuality teacher recommended Betty Dodson’s book "Sex for One."

Man! Talk about an eye opening theory about the practice; she even had pictures and the whole nine yards.

But the thing that won me over to the "Touch Myself" club was a letter from a Pentecostal woman from Cincinnati, Ohio. She wrote how she felt guilty for years due to the church world she lives in, but because of the book it opened her eyes and mind. Now she knows God won’t shoot her down for touching herself.

"Well if she can do it and find inner peace, why not me?" I thought.

The truth about loving yourself

I realized a few things along the way to enjoy masturbation and keep things in perspective:

Many believers look at Onan as the reason why masturbation shouldn’t be part of a believer or non-believers life. If the passage in Genesis is looked at closely you can see it wasn’t masturbation in the sense of giving pleasure to ones self. God struck down Er because of his wickedness. After that happened, God asked Onan to fulfill the duty of his brother and continue the gene line by lying with his widow Tamar.

In what could be dubbed "the costliest money shot of all time" Onan "spilled his seed" so Er’s family line wouldn’t have an offspring. So Onan lost his life over the betrayal.

Tradition and retribution

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Sex Before Marriage – Single People Of The World Rejoice!

Christ Pro Erotic — Sun, 02 Mar 2008 15:54:26 +0000

My single brothers and sisters, we need to talk.

After reading a great article from Bella M. DePaulo about single life, it seems single people get the shaft on many levels: the workplace, getting housing (despite having the means to pay for it), the notion married people are happier than single people in the workplace, etc. The one area I think Ms. DePaulo is missing that’s a slight towards single people is sexuality.

Consequences of promiscuous sexual behavior

For a long time, you’ve been warned from parental units to the street preachers not to engage in promiscuous sexual behavior. Many single people — Christians or non-believers — would spend moments worrying if God has a lightning bolt with your name engraved on it for having a sexual thought or touching yourself in an inappropriate way.

Funny how you’re asked to put your life on the line by joining the military, drive a car, pay taxes, hold a job, and find housing for yourself and you still can’t be trusted for your own sexual lives.

Many in the church think single people are unable to control yourself and that you’re one step away from being an extra on a Girls Gone Wild DVD. I believe its time for the church, parents and our government to stop treating you like children and give the information needed to face your sexual life with confidence.

Save yourself for marriage?

Too often many in the Christian circles try to scare you into a forced life of single celibacy (what the rest of us call abstinence): Save yourself for marriage lest you become a raging sex fiend. In their minds, fear and guilt can cause many to avoid sex and save themselves from contracting STDs or risk pregnancy.

The ultimate cure all to sexual activity is marriage. One problem: Marriage doesn’t give you automatic knowledge about sexuality on the same lines as becoming a single persons can’t make you fully knowledgeable about handling an adult relationship.

Add to it the fury is the misuse of the word “fornication” from many pulpits and Bible scholars and you have young adults confused as to what God means about sex outside of marriage. Instead of its proper usage, they lump this word with every abnormal expression of sexuality instead of normal expressions of sexual intimacy.

Singles are reduced to sitting at the kiddy table of life. “Here, here little Johnny or Jane, we’ll cut up your plate of what you can have sexually for you and you’ll eat what we tell you to or else you can do without.”

Enough!

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Sexual Abstinence – Can You REALLY Have Intimacy Without Sex? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 30 Aug 2007 15:23:21 +0000

Regardless of your personal reasons for choosing sexual abstinence, you really need to talk with your partner about what is and is not OK. The boundaries are different for everyone.

What IS Sexual Abstinence?

Here’s an excellent definition from SmarterSex.org

Sexual abstinence is a choice to refrain from sexual activity. This choice is usually made for a specific reason. The reason may be moral, religious, legal, or for health and safety.

Read this question from a desperate young man who’s wondering how he can ignite the passion in his relationship – without actually having sex…

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I have been dating my girlfriend for a little over two years now, and we have decided to refrain from sex until marriage.

The lack of sex isn’t a problem like I said, but the main problem we are facing is a lack of intimacy. For example, we haven’t really ever made out or fooled around. We started to make out once but then all of a sudden – like something clicked in her head – she stopped abruptly.

Since then I have tried a few more times to make a move to make out with her, but every time she just seems to have a defense mechanism. I was wondering if you have any advice for me to be able to overcome this hurdle, or if you have some tips for us to try and make our relationship be more intimate without sex. Any advice you have will be greatly appreciated.

– Dan, Michigan

Watch this short video for our thoughts on this very interesting question…

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Then, be sure to chime in and tell us your thoughts – leave a comment below.

Intimacy Without Sex

Given that you’ve agreed not to have sex, is it possible to still have sexual intimacy?

Again, that depends on how you define intimacy. Is it cuddling on the sofa, or is it giving and receiving oral sex? As you can see those are two very opposite extremes. We like to think that intimacy is a shared closeness rather than a sexual activity, but that does not have to be your definition.

Intimacy is one of those words that has different meanings for different people. That’s why it’s critical to talk to each other and find meanings and boundaries that you’re both comfortable with. This is not about anyone else and is completely between the two of you.

You see, to some, kissing is the highest form of intimacy and to others ‘getting intimate’ means sexual intercourse.

It’s time to get down to details…

How to Spice Up Your Sex Life and Save Your Relationship

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 07 Feb 2007 03:11:44 +0000

The Question:

My partner and I have been together for 2 years now and we have been living together for about 4 months. Now that we are living together I feel that our relationship has changed. We hardly ever have sex, probably once a month is about all we manage to achieve.

I love sex and I’m sure that my partner does too, but for some reason we just can’t seem to make an effort to do the wild thing – one of us or both are always tired and sometimes it feels like we’re losing sexual compatibility; now it seems like I’ve had more passion in the past with other men or in the beginning of our relationship.

We do love each other and we’ve been through a lot together but I feel that our relationship is changing and I don’t know what to do about it.

We are becoming more like best friends everyday and I’m scared that the passion is fading. His idea of seduction and mine are totally different – he thinks ‘Let’s have sex?’ is an acceptable phrase into seducing a woman into hot sex, where as I would rather be pinned up against a wall without a word being said and so on…

When we weren’t living together our relationship was great; we did struggle a bit in the sex department but 3 times a week compared to once a month was a vast improvement.

Any advice you have considering this situation would be greatly appreciated. I don’t think I want to lose my relationship but I don’t know if I have the will power to save it – I don’t know what to do.

The Answer:

You might be surprised to learn that almost all long term relationships go through this ‘phase’ where everyone seems to get a little lazy. From my experience, it seems to happen somewhere between 18 months and 3 years into the relationship.

Here are some ideas that will help you make the best decision for you…

Honesty About Previous Sex Partners… How Much Do You Really Need To Share?

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 29 Nov 2006 22:25:00 +0000

The Question: I have been with a man for 5 months. He told me a few months ago that he has strong values and wants to wait for marriage to have sex. I was a little disappointed, but I respect his beliefs. We are very open with each other and I have never lied to him about anything until he asked me how many people I have slept with. I said 3, but the real number is around 40. I’ve never been so sure about someone in my life until I met him and wish to put my promiscuity in the past, but I fear he may look at me differently due to his strong values. That is why I wonder if it is necessary for me to tell him the real number of people I have had sex with. Or is this a lie that can remain a secret?

The Answer: My first response is that it’s no one else’s business how many people you’ve had sex with in the past or will have sex with the future…

Don’t allow yourself or your actions to be judged by another person. We make decisions every day and we learn from the results of those decisions and move on to the next decision. There is absolutely no reason to regret any decision you’ve ever made as long as you learned something from the experiences that followed. We grow with each experience, each choice, and each relationship. Some philosophers say that’s what life is really about – experiencing life so that we can discover who we truly want to be.

"We sometimes have to experience who we don’t want to be so that we can discover the person we want to become."

Each of us has our own set of core values that are important to us, but that doesn’t give us the right to push those values onto another person, nor to judge that person because they do not share our values now or in the past. Your partner should not judge you for your past actions because it is those actions and decisions that have made you the person that he or she loves today.

One man’s convictions, values, and moral beliefs are another man’s heresy. For thousands of years different societies have persecuted other cultures and societies for arbitrary "values" and "morality".

Ponder this for a moment… In the greater scheme of the Universe, what gives one man or society the right to determine what is right and wrong for everyone else? Or to force others to feel shame if they feel or believe differently?

If you are suppressing who you really are to match up with another person’s "strong values", realize that there’s nothing wrong with who you are, and there’s nothing in the world that makes their values and beliefs, or life experience, any better than yours. Period. Beware of convincing yourself to live up to someone else’s values. You could end up resenting the other person for it, which could end your relationship.

While I cannot make your decision for you as to whether or not to tell your boyfriend the actual number of people that you’ve slept with, I will say this: Open and honest communication in a relationship is vital to its growth and survival. If this is something that will haunt you and cause you distress on the inside, then you should tell him because suppressing it will affect your relationship. But if you can truly forgive yourself and let go of any guilt that you carry around regarding your past sexual activity, then I say let sleeping dogs lie and move on with your life.

Seems MySpace and Friendster Aren’t Just For Your Kids Anymore…

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 18 Oct 2006 08:17:00 +0000

Ok, so we all got used to thinking about MySpace and Friendster as online hangouts for the college and younger crowd.

But something’s changed…

These amazingly popular social networking sites seem to have absorbed a large segment of the grown-up population.

According to Comscore, the nice folks who bring us website stats, the age of the average MySpace user is – get this – between 35 and 54.

“MySpace.com has the broadest appeal across age ranges, Facebook.com has created a niche among the college crowd, Friendster.com attracts a higher percentage of adults, and Xanga.com is most popular among younger teens. There is a misconception that social networking is the exclusive domain of teenagers, but this analysis confirms that the appeal of social networking sites is far broader.”

You can get down and dirty details from the ComScore press release here:
http://www.comscore.com/press/release.asp?press=1019

So, we’re not talking mostly college kids, but rather a majority of people who are over 35. Go figure.

Of course, there’s been a lot of back and forth between the "in the know" and the "wanna be in the know" people (a.k.a. "experts") on this for the last week or so.

The truth is probably somewhere in between, but the bottom line remains – MySpace isn’t just for your kids anymore.

Don’t be shy – leave a comment on this post and tell us what you think.

Have a great day!
Dan & Jennifer

______________________________________
Ask Dan and Jennifer
Authors, Coaches, and Online Dating Insiders
www.AskDanAndJennifer.com

Revealing New Online Dating Book…

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 28 Jun 2006 16:30:00 +0000

If you have ever thought about trying online dating or if you are using online dating but having less than amazing results, this book is for you.

Don’t spend hours of wastedtime searching all over the internet trying to find out about online dating.

We have compiled everything, and I do mean everything that you need to know to meet your perfect partner online!

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and
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Go here to get it today!
http://www.online-dating-tips-and-guide.com