5 Funniest Sexual Bloopers, excerpted from Sexual Bloopers, compiled and illustrated by Michelle Horwitz.

These are really funny, but be warned in advance… They do cover very adult themes.

1. Paradise Lost

The summer between my junior and senior years of college I worked at a nursery-and-garden center and went gaga over the hunk they’d hired to do the heavy hauling. He had the most amazing body I’d ever seen and often starred in my fantasies. One afternoon the owner asked us to close up for her. We couldn’t wait!

At six o’clock we threw the rest of the employees out, locked the door, hung the huge CLOSED sign, and raced to the back of the shop behind a row of huge floor-to-ceiling metal shelving units. My fantasy was about to come true! … 

I wriggled out of my shorts and panties while he unzipped his jeans and pushed them down around his incredibly muscular thighs. He wasn’t wearing any underwear and his penis literally sprung up to meet me. I was soaked and panting with anticipation when he effortlessly lifted me up and set me down on one of the shelves–just the right height for penetration.  

He worked himself deep inside me and began pumping away, totally unaware of the danger looming overhead–the vibration of our slamming bodies shook the clay pots stored on the top shelf. Eventually one fell off the edge and came crashing down on the poor guy’s head.

Much to my horror (and disappointment), he slipped out of me and fell to the ground unconscious! I couldn?t tell if he was dead or alive. I tried to wake him and he didn?t move. I had to call for help. I quickly redressed and tried to pull his pants up –but it was hopeless. There was nothing left to do but call 911 and hope that I died before they arrived.

In a lame attempt to preserve our dignity, I yanked a leaf off the nearest plant and covered his penis. Just as the ambulance and police arrived, he began to regain consciousness. Though dazed and sporting a huge lump on his head, it was quickly determined that his injuries weren’t life threatening. With everyone relieved, attention shifted to the leaf covering his otherwise fully exposed groin.

Unable to conceal their amusement, the paramedics burst out laughing while the grinning police officer turned toward me and said "Well now, Eve, it looks like you and Adam here had a little trouble in paradise."

2. Class of ‘65 — Ass of `95

I’d been divorced for a little over a year when I got something in the mail about my 30th high school reunion. Having just leased an expensive new sports car, shed 25 pounds, and a whole lot of baggage from a bad marriage, I was more than ready to see how I stacked up against all my high-school buddies.

As soon as I walked through the door…

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