Ask Dan and Jennifer » sexless marriage

Sexless Marriage? Here’s What To Do

Melody Brooke — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 14:13:06 +0000

Something like 40% off all marriages are, self reported as “sexless“. I read today about a book, Bettina Arndt’s The Sex Diaries: Why Women Go Off Sex and Other Bedroom Battles. This book has really gotten people up in arms. Men are thinking their wives should just do it because its good for the marriage, and women are thinking Arndt is a throwback to the 50’s. But of course, none of them have read her book!

Now, mind you, I have not read the book either. BUT I agree with what I’ve seen so far. of her book. Her book is a compilation of “diaries” she collected from 98 men and women talking about their sex lives. In the excerpt I read, she concludes with a lot of empathy toward the men who poured their hearts out to her.

Sexless Marriages – Are They Inevitable?

The reality is that most men do have a biologically higher sex drive than most women. This leads to a lot of dissatisfaction on the men’s part. Women yell and scream that sex is a “want” and not a “need” and why should they “give in”? Obviously some things are amiss here!

Women, too, want sex more and more than in the past. It was only a few months ago when I was at a party where five women out of the five couples in attendance were unhappy with the amount of sex they are getting. These are cute, smart, personable women whose husband’s would rather be on the internet or watch TV than have sex with them.

Staying Connected Is The Key

Clearly there are some serious problems with couples knowing how to stay connected emotionally and sexually. Women tend to be more aware of their emotional needs and men tend to be more aware of their sexual needs. This does not mean, I don’t believe, that men and women are set up for failure. But both parties have to be willing to respect and have empathy for each other’s needs. To do this, it requires getting out of the blame game and seeing the other as the bad guy.

Men, you really do have to learn how to be emotionally and affectionately attentive to your wife if you expect to get laid. Women, you really do have to be willing to stretch out of your comfort zone sexually in order to have the kind of connection you want with your partner. And, if either one finds sex is not fun, then they MUST take responsibility for making sure that changes.

You do that by respecting each other enough to speak your truths and not faking orgasms. The biggest drain on sexual communication and satisfaction is faking it. How in the world is your lover ever going to know what you want if you pretend you like something you don’t?

Learn to get great sex by being open with your truths. You want your man to share with you emotionally???? Then don’t be a coward about being open sexually about what pleases you and what doesn’t. We have this double standard where we expect men to be open with us emotionally, yet we will lie to them about our sexual satisfaction. That is a sure fire way to kill a sex life.

Should You Stay In A Sexless Marriage? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 19:21:41 +0000

Many marriages go through tough, rocky times. Whether you’re emotionally distant with your partner or you’ve physically stopped being intimate, going through difficult times with your partner can be frustrating and hurtful.

If you and your partner have stopped having sex, whether you’re emotionally distant or not, should you stay in a sexless marriage for the sake of staying in the marriage?

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Staying Together For The Kids

Many married couples believe that it’s better to be unhappy in a marriage and stay together if they have children. They believe that raising their children in a traditional, nuclear family is the best way to go, whether they’re happy as a couple or not.

Many couples will simply grow apart but continue to stay married and live together for the sake of the children? Is this the best idea? Probably not. Married couples that are unhappy, fighting and emotionally divorced have just as much effect on children as physically divorced couples.

No matter what you decide to do, it’s going to have an effect on your children. In fact, it probably already has up to this point. Your biggest decision now is how to proceed. What will impact the children in the most positive way?

If you and your partner are constantly fighting or are so emotionally distant that it appears to your children that you can’t stand each other, there’s really no compelling reason to stay married. Your children will most likely be better off if you’re divorced, spending equal time with happier and more confident parents, even if you are apart.

Why Is The Marriage Sexless?

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I’m In A Sexless Marriage! What Happened? (Video)

Melody Brooke — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 21:45:15 +0000

Many people find themselves in sexless marriages. As unfortunate as it is, if you’re in a sexless marriage, you’re not alone.

Does that mean you have to live with it? Of course not! Here are some great ways to understand what is happening in your relationship and what you can do to fix it so you can turn the heat back up in your marriage.

First the sex was great… but suddenly I look up and I’m in a Sexless Marriage! What Happened?

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How Sexless Is Your Marriage?

Different couples have sex at different frequencies. Some married couples have sex once a week and they’re completely satisfied.

Other couples have sex once a week and they’re not satisfied. They feel like they should be having sex three or four times a week or even every day.

Whatever frequency of sex that makes you and your partner most comfortable and satisfied is your “magic” number. Don’t feel that if your friends or neighbors are having sex more often that you have to have sex the same amount or you’re not satisfied with your sex life.

Have sex as often or as little as it takes to keep both you and your partner happy and satisfied!

Hormonal Issues

If you truly aren’t satisfied with your sex life, it’s time to make a change. There’s no reason that you should not be in a marriage with a satisfying sex life!

There are a number of things that can contribute to a sexless marriage or an unsatisfying sex life, so it’s time to do a little digging.

Visit your doctor to rule out any physical reasons that might be decreasing you or your partner’s sex drive. Many couples in sexless marriages will find out from their doctor that they have an imbalance of hormones that is contributing to a lack of sex drive. Your doctor can help you determine if this is an issue for you and your partner or not.

Feeling Close Again

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Why Don’t We Ever Make Love Anymore?

Dr. Margaret Paul — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 19:41:36 +0000

I cannot tell you how often couples complain to me that they rarely make love. These are generally people who love each other, who enjoy being together and often have fun with each other. Yet they don’t have sex. Why does this happen so often?

Sexual arousal, especially for most women, comes from emotional intimacy and connection. While many men can have sex purely from physical desire, many women need emotional intimacy and connection to feel physical desire. While many men might love it if their wife would suddenly start to fondle their penis, many women feel violated when their husband grabs their breasts, crotch, or butt.

Gender Differences About Touch

I often hear from the woman I work with, “I just feel groped and disgusted when my husband grabs my breasts. Why doesn’t that turn me on? Is there something wrong with me?”

Many women do not feel drawn to touch or be touched in a sexual way until the feeling of love is flowing between them and their partner. Yet women have been trained to believe that they should respond sexually in the same way men do, and often feel inadequate when they do not feel turned on by the things that turn on men.

Hazel and Daniel were struggling with this issue of lack of sexuality. Just before their counseling session with me, they had a fight because Daniel fondled Hazel’s breasts while she was dressing in the morning, and then got angry when she didn’t like it.

Hazel had often expressed to Daniel that what turned her on was the deep kissing that resulted from emotional intimacy. Yet, even though Daniel said he wanted to make love, he would not intimately kiss Hazel.

Why?

As we explored the issue, it became apparent that neither Hazel nor Daniel felt safe with intimacy. While they loved each other, their fears of rejection and engulfment made them feel unsafe with each other.

When Hazel got critical, Daniel took it personally, and was unable to set loving limits against being controlled by Hazel. He would get angry and withdrawn, which would trigger Hazel’s fears of rejection.

Both Hazel and Daniel were afraid that if they were emotionally intimate, they would give themselves up to avoid rejection. Keeping the emotional distance felt safer than risking losing themselves or losing the other if they did not give themselves up. Yet sexuality could not flow without the loving feelings that come from emotional intimacy.

Be Conscious Of Your Intent

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