All In Good Fun – Or Date Rape?

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 13:00:18 +0000

Everyone has different fetishes and fantasies when it comes to sex. Its part of what makes us dynamic and charismatic as human beings.We all like different things.

Where do you draw the line though? Is there a fetish or fantasy that is wrong to take part in? Are there fetishes or fantasies that shouldn’t be satisfied? How do you know how much is too much?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Is it weird if I like to knock my girlfriend out and have sex with her without her knowing?

– Dave, Ohio

Two Consenting Adults

There are a few things you can look at when you’re trying to decide if your fetish or fantasy crosses the line. First of all, is the activity between two consenting adults?

That’s the biggie. If it’s an adult and an underage person, it definitely crosses the line. If it’s an adult and an unconsenting adult, it’s considered rape or date rape.

This can be if they’re saying no or if you’ve drugged them or knocked them out. Generally speaking, unless the sexual activity is being performed between two consenting adults, it is definitely too much. If you find yourself wanting or needing to be a part of a sexual activity that includes an underage person or an unconsenting adult, seek help. There are a number of good, unbiased counselors that can help you through what you’re experiencing.

Causing Harm

So you’ve passed the first test. Your sexual fetish or fantasy is something that takes place between two consenting adults. The second test is whether or not it causes a great deal of harm

to a person. Sure, a little pain and pleasure never really hurt anyone, but you need to take a look at whether you’re doing serious damage…

Are you drugging someone? Are you hitting them, hurting them or leaving any sort of marks behind? These are all things that definitely cross the line when it comes to sexual pleasure. You can find ways to enjoy yourself sexually without hurting another person or causing a great deal of damage.

If you and your partner both like to play a little rough, come up with a code word that means “stop.” When either partner says the code word, the activity immediately stops. This is a great way to experience your fetishes and fantasies while still keeping you and your partner safe.

What it Boils Down to

When you boil it down, sex with an unconsenting adult is considered rape or date rape. If you’ve drugged that person and they wake up and realize what happened, they can definitely press charges against you.

Depending on what happened, there is likely to be enough physical evidence for a conviction. The same goes for an underage person or a person who says “no” but you end up having sex with them anyway.

Be careful and keep your fetishes and fantasies between you and another consenting adult, because not only can sex with an underage person or unconsenting adult cross the line sexually, it’s also illegal. It’s always better to be safe than sorry!

Find a consenting adult that enjoys what you do and have fun experimenting with sexual fetishes and fantasies with them. As long as everyone involved is okay with what is happening and no one is getting seriously hurt or damaged, it can be fun and exciting to experience sexual pleasure through your fetishes and fantasies!

How To Move Beyond Childhood Abuse And Have Healthier Relationships As An Adult

Melody Brooke — Sat, 22 Mar 2008 13:37:58 +0000

Jim looked at Shannon with a cacophony of feelings; love, lust, appreciation and fear and wanted desperately to reach for her.

Shannon could sense his looking at her, in spite of her back being turned to him as she washed the dishes. Her spine tensed and she felt afraid and then angry.

Jim felt her energy shift and could feel the coldness she projected out at him. He stood frozen in his tracks uncertain as to what to do.

He knew she loved him, and that she wanted to please him. He also knew she would succumb to him if he asserted himself, but she would be angry with him for days. He went back to clearing off the table and securing their doors for the night.

How it all began

“Jim and Shannon” are a composite of couples I have worked with over the years. Shannon is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and had yet to understand all the ways it impacts her relationship with Jim.

Shannon thinks Jim is too focused on sex and, unspoken she really believes he only loves her for what she does for him sexually. She feels shame that he can’t love her for who she is, but doesn’t really think anyone would.

Jim spent his life craving touch. His mother knew that she shouldn’t “coddle him”; her mother taught her well that boys need to be “toughened up”. She let him console himself when he fell and discouraged his affection toward her.

When Jim became a teenager he discovered the joy of touching girls, and the rush of hormones that came with that touch. Touch then, for Jim, became inseparable from sex.

When he met Shannon he thought he had found a woman who was very open and comfortable with sexuality. She never denied him anything he wanted and he felt loved for once in his life.

Ramifications of abuse

Now, as he stood in the kitchen wanting her so badly, he didn’t understand why she no longer seemed to be able to love him as she once had. He felt guilty for wanting her and confused at her rejection of him. His anger and resentment built every time she rejected him.

Shannon had started therapy and she told Jim her therapist said she should not have sex with him until she wanted, and to assert her own needs rather than always succumbing to his.

Shannon’s sexual abuse had taught her to please men, but not herself. The disgust and pain she felt at the thought of sex convinced her she could just as well live without it.

It made her angry that Jim continually pushed her to do something he knew was painful and not fun for her. It reinforced her belief that he could only love her if she gave in to his sexual needs. She felt resentful and angry at his insensitivity, a belief her therapist reinforced in each weekly session.

How to untangle the mess

How do you untangle a mess like this? Neither fully understands the other’s pain. Both are completely focused on their own needs and their own wounds. Hearing their story there are few of us that could not feel empathy for each of them; yet they don’t have it for each other.

While sorting out their wounds and re-discovering each other is not simple; the underlying process is really quite simple. Both “Jim’ and “Shannon” are wounded in complementary and remarkably similar ways.

Both have had their sexuality interfered with through their early childhood experiences. Both were taught erroneous things about their value as human beings and the meaning of the sexual act.

To survive, Shannon had to adapt to her environment by pretending that her needs don’t matter. So did Jim.

But their needs persisted. Meeting each other’s needs early in their relationship fit right in with their childhood patterns; but continued to require their ignoring their childhood needs.

This leaves both of them feeling like a victim to the other. Both fight in self-protective stances to get their needs met by the person they perceive of as the perpetrator of their pain.

Shannon’s well meaning therapist empathized with the horror of Shannon’s abuse and worked to protect Shannon from further pain by encouraging Shannon to avoid sex with her husband.

This attempt to rescue Shannon from her pain resulted in Jim being stuck in a situation that mimicked his mother’s rejection and perpetuated his touch deprivation.

Hearts are broken and marriages fail in this process of trying to rescue a survivor wife from a husband who, naturally, wants an active sex life.

The alternative?

Help both partners understand the dynamic between them. Teach each partner to experience and practice compassion for the other, as well as themselves. Help them to feel their fear of each other and to accept that fear as a part of the natural development of intimacy, not something to be avoided or disowned.

Encourage them to allow their own feelings to flow in the presence of the other and teach the other to accept and support each other’s pain, sorrow, and joy.

Encourage them to touch each other often in non-sexual ways. Encourage them to learn what healthy sexuality really is: a chance to experience each other fully and joyfully. The process may be painful and difficult; but the result is the ability to love and be loved.

Ask Dan and Jennifer » sexual abuse