Ask Dan and Jennifer » sexual health

What Causes Irrational Fear Of Sex? (Video)

Paul Carlson — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 14:00:49 +0000

Sex is everywhere. Sex sells, right? You see sex on television, in movies and you hear it in music. It’s on billboards, in newspaper ads and all over the Internet. So logically, as a society, we don’t seem very afraid of sex, do we? Surprisingly enough, many people still have a deep seated, irrational fear of sex, masturbation and other sex related things. Why is this fear irrational, and what causes it? What can you do about it?

Click here to view the embedded video.

Sex And Psychology

The most complicated part of human psychology is sex. Sex involves so many things, including the body, the mind and even your emotions. What feels good physically doesn’t always feel good emotionally, and what feels good emotionally doesn’t always please you physically. It can be difficult to understand why someone may have a fear about sex or have a sex related phobia, because there are so many contributing factors to sex. In persons who haven’t been sexually abused, a fear of sex or a sex phobia can seem irrational. The human body and mind was created to enjoy and take pleasure from sex, and it’s one of the most natural things for two human beings to do together. What are some things that can cause an irrational fear of sex?

Painful Sex

Many people can experience pain during sex or masturbation. In women, small vaginas or lack of natural lubrication can make penetration extremely uncomfortable or painful. In some women, the clitoral hood doesn’t cover the clitoris completely, making most types of sexual contact painful instead of pleasurable. In men, a poorly done circumcision can leave too little skin on the penis, making an erection uncomfortable or painful when the skin stretches too taut. Penises also have stiff, fibrous muscles that when erect, can “break.” It’s rare, but rough masturbation or sex can “break” a penis, making sex or even erections painful if it’s not corrected immediately. Anyone that experiences pain during sex or masturbation can develop a fear of sex or sex related activities, depending on what causes them pain or discomfort.

Psychological Issues

Many people have an irrational fear of sex due to psychological factors. Some people have phobias of sex or masturbation because their parents brought them up in an overly religious environment, or they were taught to think sex is dirty. Believe it or not, many women are taught that enjoying sex is “wrong” and that sex is only something they must do as a wife when they get married. Many of these women don’t have orgasms and have very poor and unsatisfying sex lives, therefore, may avoid sex as much as they can in fear of it. Many men and women are brought up thinking that masturbation is wrong as well, even that it will give you hairy palms or cause blindness. Any type of skewed thinking about sexual pleasure that was ingrained on a person as a child can contribute to sexual fears and phobias in adulthood.

STD’s And Pregnancy

Some people avoid sex all together because they have deeply rooted fears of pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases. Perhaps someone in the family contracted AIDS or got pregnant, and the family criticized them or looked down upon them. Perhaps someone contracted a sexually transmitted disease or got pregnant and is terrified of it happening again. Fears of pregnancy and STD’s can play a large part in someone’s irrational phobias of sex.

What To Do

If you have a fear of sex or sex related activities, it’s important to see a doctor. What you’re experiencing, however, can determine which type of doctor you go see. If you’re having physical pain during sex, you should make an appointment with your general practitioner or family doctor. They can do a physical examination as well as take a detailed medical history to determine what exactly is causing the pain or contributing to it. If you’re having psychological issues with sex, consider seeing a therapist or a specialized sex therapist to help talk to you about your phobias, why you have them and how you can work your way through them.

Many people are afraid of seeing the doctor – regardless of which type – because having a sexual fear for whatever reason can seem embarrassing. Lots of things are embarrassing though, and you deserve to have a happy, healthy sex life. Find a doctor or therapist that you’re comfortable with, and take control of your sex life.

Viagra 101 – Blue Pill Myths and Facts

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 01:18:54 +0000

Most of us know what Viagra is – that magic little blue pill that can make turn a wet noodle into a flag at full mast. But what is Viagra, really? What are the pros and cons of these erectile dysfunction pills that are only growing in popularity? Is Viagra for you? Here’s what’s up on Viagra – no pun intended.

Viagra Pros

The most obvious “pro” of that little blue pill is that it can help many men and women reclaim their sex lives. Men who have been suffering from sexual dysfunction can once again experience fulfilling and satisfying sex, and so can their lonely partners. Viagra works by promoting blood flow to the penis, helping it to become and stay erect when sexually stimulated. When taken as prescribed by your doctor, this little blue pill can help you to become more sexually active, stay sexually active and have a better sex life. Many men enjoy taking Viagra to help counteract erectile dysfunction, especially when erectile dysfunction is diagnosed at an earlier age when a man still has sexual desires, needs and wants.

Viagra Cons

Just like any medication, Viagra has side effects as well. Here’s the scoop from WebMD. Only your doctor can tell you if the benefits of the drug outweigh the risks. Make sure you tell your doctor what you are allergic to, and any conditions that you currently have. The most common side effects of Viagra are dizziness, diarrhea, upset stomach and headaches. More serious side effects include sudden loss of vision in rare cases and a prolonged erection, both of which require immediate medical attention. Men who smoke, have high blood pressure and heart problems need to discuss this with their doctor extensively before trying Viagra.

Buying Viagra

Currently, you can buy Viagra with a valid prescription from your pharmacy, or through several internet websites. Cheap Viagra is often found on the internet, as it is usually expensive in its brand name form or from a pharmacy. Before deciding to buy Viagra, make sure you’re obtaining it from a trusted source!

Many men have found that Viagra has tremendously improved the quality of their sex lives, not only through the quantity of sex increasing, but the sensations that accompany it. Viagra should not be taken by men who do not have erectile dysfunction; rather, Viagra is a medication to help those men who have experienced erectile dysfunction and impotency. If the “blue pill” sounds like it might be your ticket out of a sexless, unsatisfying life, talk to your doctor about Viagra for you.

If you’ve made the decision to buy Viagra, you’ve become one of the millions of men who have benefited from this incredible drug. Why wait and watch life pass you by when you could be experiencing it with your whole mind, body and spirit? You’ll have a more satisfying sex life, your partner will be more satisfied and your quality of life will tremendously improve. Just ask your doctor if Viagra can help – it has for others and it can for you too!

Vaginal Rejuvenation vs. Penis Size – What Can You Do When Things Start To Get Loose Down South?

PK24 Vaginal Rejuvenation — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 00:01:44 +0000

Creams, supplements and even equipment for penis enlargement or erectile dysfunction is readily available for men all over the world – but what about women? It’s true – after childbirth and as women age, the vagina can become loose and lose sensitivity for both partners. What’s a gal to do when having sex just isn’t as pleasurable as it used to be?

Vaginoplasty

One of the options for vaginal rejuvenation is vaginoplasty, or vaginal surgery. Experienced surgeons can help tighten things up down south, giving you and your partner a more satisfying sex life – but is vaginal surgery all it’s cracked up to be? Not exactly. As with any surgery, while there are pros, there is also a long list of cons. The worst being death, followed by infection, undesirable results (such as a vagina that is still too loose or becomes too tight to even have intercourse), and a long recovery period if the surgery goes without a hitch. Any woman considering vaginoplasty should talk to a board-certified surgeon and consider all options before consenting to surgery.

Are There Other Options?

Of course! The most tried and true of all of them are the well-known Kegel exercises. You may have heard of them, but might not ever tried them. Just like any other muscle, the vaginal muscle can become tighter and more toned with regular exercise. To find your Kegel muscles, simply stop your stream of urine mid-go. This is the exact same maneuver you’ll use when doing your Kegel exercises. You can even try doing Kegels with a vaginal weight or Ben-Wa balls.

Another option is vaginal tightening cream. Just like anti-wrinkle cream for your face, vaginal tightening cream plumps and hydrates the inner walls of the vagina, giving you and your partner heightened sensitivity during sex. Combined with Kegel exercises, vaginal tightening cream can help produce even better results than vaginal surgery, without the risks and lengthy healing periods.

Not all vaginal tightening creams are the same though. Many vaginal tightening creams claim to do wonders, but lack clinical backing or may even use ingredients that are considered unsafe. Because they are manufactured overseas, some even have traces of arsenic. (Be safe.) PK24 is the only vaginal cream that is manufactured in the United States to ensure quality and has gone through clinically trials to test for safety and efficacy.

PK24 is the only clinically tested and proven vaginal tightening cream on the market today, helping women every day to bring the spark back to their sex lives and the satisfaction back to their partners.

PK24 is one of the only all-natural vaginal tightening creams that use proprietary plant extracts to achieve the desired results and is safe enough to use every single day! Lasting a full 24 hours, PK24 helps women achieve heightened vaginal sensations and have better, more frequent orgasms.

In fact, in the PK24 clinical trials, 78% of women reported an increase in satisfaction with their ability to reach orgasm AND 45% report increase in frequency of orgasm when using pk24.

Before considering vaginoplasty, a woman should exhaust all other options first. Through discovering different ways to tighten and tone your vaginal tissue and muscles, you can bring the passion back to your sex life without expensive and risky vaginal surgery. Do some research on your own about what other women are saying about Kegel exercises, vaginal weights and PK24 vaginal tightening cream to find the best solution for you and your partner.

Does You Really Need To Know If She’s Faking An Orgasm?

Paul Tony — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 15:09:42 +0000

I have had many people ask me if it really is possible to know when a woman is faking an orgasm. My answer to that question is yes, if you are extremely alert.

However, why spend so much time trying to find out if she’s faking an orgasm when you can rather spend that time learning different techniques in cunnilingus, fingering and intercourse.

More importantly, why not spend that time to learn what your woman’s sexual wants and needs are in the bedroom. By doing that, you won’t ever have to wonder if she is faking it or not.

Why Is She Faking Her Orgasm?

If your woman truly is faking an orgasm, it is because she does not want to hurt your feelings. So, the only way to make sure that she never does this again, is by allowing her to be open with you in the bedroom.

Take the initiative to be the first to open the communication channels between yourself and your partner. Make her feel totally relaxed and comfortable when she is with you. The way to do this is by showing her that you don’t take yourself too seriously.

For example, if you make a small yet embarrassing mistake during a lovemaking session, don’t just keep it quiet. Instead, acknowledge it in front of her, and then laugh it off.

By doing this, you will show your partner that if things don’t go the way they should when making love, you won’t get all upset and act like you have just lost your manhood.

Don’t Take Yourself Too Seriously

By not taking yourself too seriously, you will show your woman that you are open to criticism, and that if all still fails in the end, it doesn’t matter, because you are both just having fun. Once she has opened up, take the opportunity to ask her what really gets her going.

Let her know that you are open and ready to do whatever it takes to please her, and that you lay no judgment on her for showing you. Do it in a fun way so that it does not look like a science project, and never feel frustrated or anxious if you do not get it right the first time.

By applying this type of mindset, you will make it easier for your woman to be open with you. This will then allow her to openly tell you what her deepest and darkest desires are.

Think About What Faking An Orgasm Really Means

Faking an orgasm spells "miscommunication between two lovers". Both are afraid to open up to each other, because both feel the other might get upset or judge them incorrectly.

So really, if you read between the lines, you will realize that each partner has a common goal, and that goal is to please the other, even if it means not hurting the other’s feelings. Unfortunately, the outcome is disastrous, because both shoot themselves in the foot. Someone needs to break the ice, so why not take the lead and let it be you?

By spending your valuable time on being open, and learning to accept your other half for who they are, you will be paving the way for a much healthier, passionate sex life between the two of you.

So ask yourself seriously, what sounds more productive; Finding out if she is faking an orgasm in the hopes that one day you can catch her out and embarrass her, which in the end will make your woman close up even more in the hopes that you never catch her out again, or rather spending the time to learn how to prevent your woman from faking an orgasm by learning how to communicate openly and not take yourself so seriously, so that both parties can actually learn to enjoy a night of passionate sex.

You decide.

How Keeping A Journal Can Reveal If Your Lover Is Cheating

Jim Walthby — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 13:05:32 +0000

Our minds aren’t perfect at remembering special details and specific facts. Far from it.

Our brains work selectively; they store and recall certain bits of information while forgetting others.

For example, you might remember, for whatever reason, a phone number that has little or no importance to you, but forget the birthday of someone you really should buy a present for.

For the most part, this selective/subjective memory trait creates no real problems in our day to day lives. We can look up a number if we forget it, or ask a friend of a friend for the day of the month on which someone’s birthday falls.

When Selective Memory Is A Problem

However, sometimes it can make things slightly trickier. One such time is when we suspect our partner may be cheating on us. Imagine you walk into the room just as your partner is putting down the phone and they seem a little on edge or tense as they turn around and see you.

The incident may stick out in your mind for weeks, niggling at you, making you wonder: did it mean something, was it a sign? Fast forward to a different occasion, when your partner returns home from a business meeting or other engagement late and immediately jumps in the shower, even before properly saying ‘hi’ to you.

You might rationalize their behavior by thinking: “Well, they were probably tired or something. They surely just felt like refreshing themselves with a shower,” then forget all about it.

You might be 100% right, but that’s not really the point. The strange phone incident and the unusual dash to the bathroom on returning home could both have happened because your partner is cheating on you, and conversely they both could be wholly innocent and not caused by infidelity.

The point here is, remembering one incident over the other and thus giving it more weight or meaning than the other in your mind could potentially make it much more difficult to ascertain what is or isn’t going on, whether they’re trustworthy or not.

So, to combat the human tendency to selectively remember and therefore consider some incidents more than others, and therefore improve your chances of revealing the truth, you should keep an objective, non-selective record of everything that happens. Here’s how it works:

Keep A Journal

Use a journal or diary, not a digital method of recording events, changes in behavior/habits/moods, etc. Noting things in your own handwriting allows each piece of information recorded to be absorbed more deeply and permanently by your mind than if you type them out quickly on a computer.

Also, paper records (a diary, journal, etc.) are usually more portable than laptops, PC’s, etc., which could come in handy if/when you spot a potential sign of infidelity away from home.

Be Objective

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How to Intensify Your Woman’s Orgasms

Paul Tony — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 13:01:43 +0000

Ask any woman what she would prefer; multiple orgasms, or one extremely powerful orgasm? Most likely she will choose the second option.

Okay, now take it one step further; ask her if she would prefer multiple orgasms, or powerful mind blowing multiple orgasms.

Now that you see the bigger picture, let me show you some powerful techniques to intensify your woman’s orgasms to new heights;

Tease your Woman and Create anticipation

Most "sexperts" will tell you to take your time during foreplay, and they are right. However, there is more to it than just taking your time. Every bit of time spent must count. Pointlessly taking your time will only bore your woman.

However, taking your time to tease your woman will drive her crazy and keep her on an "erotic high". All she will care about is hoping that you will make her cum, because she has such an itch for it.

You can apply this technique even before you get under the covers with your woman. Begin by flirting with your partner during the day. This will give you a feel as to whether she is in the mood for a lovemaking session or not. Once you have confirmation that she is, move to the next step of teasing her.

At different intervals during the day, do something a little naughty to her. Start off lightly by whispering sexy words into her ears. Tell her what you are going to do to her later that day. Then walk away.

The next time you brush past your partner, kiss her lightly and seductively, and when you feel she is wanting to kiss you more, pull away, but do it with a mischievous smile. Once again, walk away. This will show her how much control you have over your desires.

At this point your woman will be feeling a little frustrated, and maybe even a little annoyed. However, she will most likely be hoping that you approach her again so that she can regain some control.

When you do walk past her again, grab her a little more passionately, and give up just a little more control, but just when your partner thinks she has regained control of the situation, pull away.

By doing this, you are teasing her and building anticipation into her mind. The anticipation in turn will put your woman in a higher state of arousal. She has an itch, and she is dying to get it scratched, and she wants you to scratch that itch real bad.

The Trick To Keeping Her On The Erotic High

The trick is to keep your woman on this “erotic high”.

Once you and your partner are finally under the covers, you can continue to tease her. If you are performing cunnilingus, tease her by going as close to her clitoris as possible without ever touching it. By the time you finally do, her “erotic high” will reach a new level.

At this point you can…

How To Tell If She Is Faking Her Orgasms! And What To Do If She Is…

W. Wilcox — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 18:42:32 +0000

It’s every sexually active man’s fear, that his partner or partners have or are faking their orgasms. So is there a way to tell if a girl’s only acting like she’s in pleasure heaven? And what can a guy do to turn her amateur dramatics into fully blown, sexual satisfaction?

The female orgasm has always been shrouded in mystery for men (and many women!). Unlike a guy’s guaranteed sexual pay-off, a female orgasm is never a certainty; for it to occur at all requires a whole host of special requirements to be met.

Things like the male’s sexual technique, the woman’s knowledge of how her body works and responds to different things, and the female’s mood at the time of sex all play a part in either preventing or allowing an orgasm to take place.

So let’s tackle the first issue: what signs should you look for to tell if a girl’s putting it on in the sack and not really reaching her ultimate climax?

1st Signal That She May Be Faking Her Orgasms

BLOOD FLOW SIGNALS. When a woman is sexually aroused, the blood flow to specific parts of her body change. These changes are most notable (and useful to us guys!) when a woman climaxes by reaching an orgasm. Here are the Blood Flow Signals you should watch out for:

A. Watch her cheeks as you have sex and take note of how red or blushed they are. When a girl climaxes, the blood flow to her face typically increases, you’ll often notice her cheeks suddenly become more pink and flushed.

B. Another part of the body that receives an increased flow of blood when a woman reaches orgasm is the nipples – again, try to watch out for how they change as you have sex and especially when she appears to be having an orgasm. If she IS truly cumming, her nipples may very well become harder and more “erect”.

C. Her chest is another GREAT place to notice the after-effects of an orgasm. A massive percentage of women, right after they climax, have a red flush on their chests that almost looks like a light rash. If your girl has this, it’s a strong sign she’s just achieved the magic “O.”

D. Lastly, her vagina’s lips (labia). Look for a slight swelling and reddening as another indication that she’s not play-acting her ultimate pleasure.

2nd Signal That She May Be Faking Her Orgasms

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How To Give Your Woman The Kind of Orgasm SHE Wants

Paul Tony — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 13:35:19 +0000

Ok, after spending a good amount of time on foreplay, your woman is finally highly aroused. You decide that now is the time to get physical with her.

So, all you need to do is get into your favorite sex position and pound away. Before you know it, your woman will be achieving some “Earth-Shaking” orgasms, right?

Well, if you are happy to live in “Never Never” land, then go for it.

There is a lot more to intercourse than a few fancy sex positions and thrusting like a sledge hammer. Unfortunately, most men do not realize this, thus leaving themselves wondering why many women find it difficult to achieve any type of orgasm through intercourse.

Though it is never a good idea to approach sex as if it were a science project, it is important to understand that a little bit of logic can go a long way.

The Big “O” Decision

First you have to decide what orgasm you would like to help your woman achieve. Do you want to give her a g-spot, a-spot or clitoral orgasm?

In order to make the correct decision, you have to take the time to learn your partner’s sexual likes and dislikes. Would she actually enjoy receiving a g-spot orgasm? Some women find the feeling of g-spot stimulation to be a little uncomfortable, painful, or just outright annoying. On the other hand, some women see the g-spot as the ultimate form of ecstasy.

The a-spot also shares a love/hate relationship with many women. The reason for this is that the a-spot is situated between the cervix and the bladder. If stimulated correctly, some women can achieve very powerful orgasms. However, most women don’t enjoy having a penis pounding on their cervix wall, as it can be very painful.

So, before you take the plunge, make sure that you have learnt your woman well enough to know what her likes and dislikes are, otherwise you might find yourself pounding away for no good reason, and who knows, she might just fake the orgasms just to get it over with.

Sex positions play a very important role during intercourse, but only if used correctly. Yes, sex positions are fun and erotic, but they are also the foundation of allowing your partner to achieve certain types of orgasms. For example, not all sex positions are ideal for clitoral orgasms, just as not all sex positions are ideal for g-spot orgasms. The same applies for a-spot orgasms.

If you want to give your woman an a-spot orgasm, you need to consider the following

The a-spot lies deep within the vaginal canal between the cervix and the bladder.

Deep penetration is needed in order to reach and stimulate the a-spot.

The a-spot is best stimulated with pressure, not friction.

It would therefore make sense to find a sex position that allows for deep penetration without having to thrust too hard in order to reach the a-spot. The sex position must allow you to comfortably stimulate this area through gentle yet firm pressure.

If you want to give your woman a g-spot orgasm, you need to consider the following

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Did You Know That Tantra Can Help Sexual Dysfunction?

Carla Tara — Sun, 12 Oct 2008 14:55:12 +0000

There is a certain embarrassment or even shame that is connected with sexual dysfunctions. No one would be ashamed to have, for example, a liver or heart dysfunction.

One would be sad but not embarrassed and one would immediately ask a professional for help.

Common Sexual Dysfunction

The most common sexual dysfunctions that men experience are: loss of desire, erectile dysfunctions, premature ejaculation and impotence. Some women experience: inhibited sexual desire, lack of orgasm, insufficient lubrification and painful intercourse.

According to the Journal of the American Medical Association, in 2005 more than 105 million Americans have reported struggling with chronic sexual dysfunctions and many of them were not aware that there is help available. Diabetes can be one of the causes of sexual dysfunctions.

Also some prescription medications for depression can have a negative effect on sexual desire.

What Causes Sexual Dysfunction

There are many causes: some of them are related to hormone production, to blocks to the flow of energy, to shallow anxious breathing and unhealthy diet, just to mention a few.

The hormonal production tends to diminish with age, and you could consult a good endocrinologist to check your hormonal production status. There is a lot of information available on the internet. It’s worth learning about it.

There are also products available that are natural, organic, that very safely stimulate the body to increase production of the body’s natural growth hormones.

You Are What You Eat

What you eat and drink is also important. There are certain simple recommendations you might want to observe most of the time: eat your biggest meal between 12 and 2 PM; eat fish vegetables often; keep your stomach light at night; drink lots of water during the day. Drinking a little alcohol can help lower inhibitions, while drinking too much can inhibit sexuality.

Breathing Matters

Breathing shallowly and high in the chest is probably the most important single cause of lack of energy and anxiety during lovemaking. Through the years, we became habituated to breathe shallow breaths, often filling only the higher part of our chest where the lungs are narrow and smaller.

The body brings the venous blood to the lungs to be purified and the largest veins are located on the bottom of the lungs. Venous blood contains carbon dioxide and other poisonous gases that need to be exchanged with oxygen and thus transformed into vital arterial blood that nourished and strengthens the body.

To be fully present and energetic lovers, we need to learn to breathe to facilitate this exchange as fully as possible. Tantra teaches different breaths for different purposes. Some of the most used techniques are to increase energy and to retain energy without going over the top.

Sometimes It’s Emotional

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8 Ways You May be Betraying Your Lover

Scott and Stephen Petullo — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 18:45:17 +0000

Infidelity comes in many different forms besides having a sexual relationship with someone other than your lover, assuming you’ve agreed to a monogamous relationship with that person.

We’re often asked how romantic betrayal relates to spiritual tenets such as karma and personal destiny. In two words, a lot. Our long-term empirical research firmly indicates that everything you do and say will return to you, and usually not in the same lifetime.

The Big Picture

When looking at the big picture in relation to your love life, it’s important to realize that key circumstances and events, "good" and "bad," happen because that’s the way your soul (not your personality) planned them before birth so you can learn your lessons and grow spiritually.

However, you do have free will to make the most of every situation. You can also limit your future life karma by treating others as you want to be treated now. Below we list five ways you may be betraying your lover, possibly even without realizing you’re doing so.

1. Emotional Cheating

You have an emotionally intimate relationship with someone other than your spouse. You’re not sleeping with this other person, but still you have an intimate connection that you explore and nurture. If this sort of relationship isn’t acceptable with your spouse, then you are betraying them.

2. Fantasizing Outside the Relationship

You’re regularly fantasizing about someone else, even while in bed with your partner. If you and your partner have an agreement that it’s okay to do so, then fine, but beyond that, it’s a form of betrayal.

3. Disregarding Personal Health

You stop maintaining your health, take up unhealthy habits that cause your looks to deteriorate and, or otherwise are not making the most of your appearance and looking your best for your partner.

4. Decreasing Sexual Frequency

You limit the amount of sex between you and your significant other. Worse, you start to offer sex to your partner only under certain conditions, perhaps in exchange for something such as giving you more of his or her disposable income.

5. Cutting Off Your Partner

You cut off your lover emotionally or intellectually, or otherwise limit or sever vital human contact. Sure, relationships go through certain stages where you may change the way you relate, but to intentionally starve him or her of the type of emotional or mental contact you had prior is a form of betrayal.

6. Financial Irresponsibility

You are not financially responsible, spend more than you both make or have, and risk his or her good credit standing. Telling your lover he or she should be making more money isn’t an excuse for spending too much.

7. Just Pretending

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eXtreme Sex Ed: I Feel Like I Have To Pee During Oral Sex! (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 11:19:57 +0000

Feeling like you have to urinate during oral sex, or any other type of sexual activity, can be quite unnerving the first time it happens. If it happens often, you might become even more confused or be tempted to avoid oral sex all together.

Is it normal to feel like you have to urinate during oral sex or other sexual activity? What can you do about it so you can enjoy your partner?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’m relatively new at this whole sex thing. I grew up a pastor’s kid…. Anyways, I’m married now, and there are problems. I’ve got tons of questions but no one to ask. Questions that can’t be answered by books. Is it normal to feel like peeing when a person does oral on you? I kind of squirm, cause it feels like I want to pee, and I would be mortified if that happened. So I avoid it all together, which is a shame cause I’d like to know how it truly feels…

–Scarlett, NJ

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The Whole Package

Your genitals actually come in a whole package. The muscles, nerve endings and organs all work together to help you to urinate, achieve orgasm and have sexual intercourse or other sexual activity.

Some of the muscles and nerve endings do two different things. The same muscles that contract while you urinate are also the same muscles that spasm during orgasm.

It’s only natural to consider that sometimes your body might get a little confused. You’re experiencing sexual pleasure and the muscles that are getting ready to spasm during an orgasm might actually make you feel like you have to urinate instead. This is totally normal and it actually happens to both women and men.

Although it’s perfectly normal to feel like you have to urinate during oral sex or other sexual activity, that doesn’t make it any less frustrating or confusing when it happens.

Prevention is Key

If you feel like you have to urinate during oral sex, does that mean you actually do have to urinate? Probably not, but it is certainly possible. If you find yourself feeling like you have to urinate during sexual pleasure, try to preempt yourself by using the restroom before you and your partner get busy.

This can help reduce or eliminate the feeling of having to urinate once you and your partner start pleasuring each other. If you feel the need to urinate during oral sex, feel free to stop your partner and let them know that you need to use the restroom.

You can incorporate it into your sex play by suggesting a hop in the shower with a nice soapy massage or you can just do your business and continue afterwards. It’s up to you based on how comfortable you feel with your partner at the time.

If It Happens

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Is Stress Damaging Your Relationship?

Alan B. Densky, CH — Sat, 20 Sep 2008 19:09:43 +0000

Stress is a normal part of daily life. In fact, without a small amount of stress, our bodies wouldn’t function. Yes, our lives actually depend on stress! If stress is good for us, how do we know how much is enough – and how much is too much?

Stress is so normal that we actually come to depend on it to help us with the everyday activities of our lives. For example, if people didn’t feel some stress and anxiety about their grades, they would not be motivated to perform well in school. Likewise, without being a little anxious about paying bills, eating, and housing, people would not be concerned about getting employment or doing their jobs well.

Stress Damages Health & Relationships

Too much stress, however can be damaging to our health and relationships. Excessive worrying can cause a person’s body to produce chemicals that cause high blood pressure, lessen pain tolerance, and even delay healing.

People with high stress levels become ill more easily and get well more slowly. They aren’t able to perform their jobs as effectively or concentrate as intently on course work and exams.

Excessive stress can damage personal relationships as well as business relationships. People who are coping with high levels of anxiety are often irritable from lack of sleep, and have a lower tolerance for a family member’s little faults. Persons who are under high levels of stress may find it much more difficult to control their tempers or say things tactfully.

This often leads to harsh or unkind words. The person who is under high levels of stress may or may not realize just how much someone else might be affected by these words. If he or she does not recognize how much the words hurt, further misunderstandings can result, and the relationship can be permanently hurt by this situation.

How Dating Causes Stress

People who are dating are under high levels of stress as each is working to convince the other that he or she is attractive, interesting, and appealing. Usually, people who are irritable and cranky are not appealing to others.

If you are considering entering a dating relationship, but are at a stressful point in your life, it may be wise to think about waiting until your stress is resolved, or getting some help in relieving your anxiety.

If you are already in a relationship that you value, however, avoiding interacting with the person while you are feeling stressed is probably not a good choice. Finding relief from the stress is probably a more desirable choice than getting out of the relationship altogether. But where can you turn?

Where to Turn For Help

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Erotic Massage: How Erotic Touch Can Turn Up the Heat in Your Bedroom

Maya Silverman — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 14:36:11 +0000

It’s no secret that when it comes to turning up some serious heat in the bedroom, nothing is more effective, or pleasurable, than erotic touching.

After all, the right touch or caress can arouse both you and your partner for some exciting foreplay, bring you to the brink of nirvana over and over again and even rev you up for a second bed-shattering round.

It seems like there’s nothing that erotic touching can’t do for a healthy sexual relationship!

The Benefits of Erotic Touch

Yet the blissful benefits of erotic touch doesn’t have to be limited to your between-the-sheets playtime; in fact, erotic touch can do wonders for your relationship outside of the bedroom – and even boost your mental, physical and emotional health!

Here’s the latest scoop on how erotic touch can be used to boost your individual health and well-being and max out your pleasure!

Hardwired to be Touched

Humans are hardwired to be touched. Even during our modern age of hectic schedules and impossibly long work hours, there’s nothing more satisfying or soothing than the caress of a lover at the end of a busy day.

Even platonic touching can go a long way towards boosting our moods; remember all those times when a comforting hug or a reassuring pat from a friend made you feel a million times better than before? Well, there’s a biological reason for that response.

Long before humans developed language we relied on touch in order to communicate or express feelings of joy, sorrow, pain or love. Touching is an ingrained part of how we socialize with others. In fact, scientific studies have shown that the more healthy touching that an adolescent or child is exposed to, the more likely he or she will develop into a well-rounded adult.

Touching also plays a vital role in our emotional development as well and not just when we’re children. Studies have shown that adults who are regularly exposed to touch, say the comforting hug of a friend or the soothing caress of a lover, often report themselves as being happier and more content than those people who are touched less.

So it’s easy to see how touching can not only spice up your sex life, it can also emotionally heal you and your partner as well.

So if you’re wondering how you can incorporate more of the blissful benefits of sensual touch into your relationship, here’s the scoop on how to soothe and emotionally heal your partner though erotic massage and bring him or her to the brink of pleasure again and again!

Incorporate Sensual Touch Into Your Relationship

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Parents. You ARE The Sex Ed Teacher.

Christ Pro Erotic — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 16:17:15 +0000

When was the last time you saw something on your Blackberry of a friend of yours was “sexting” in a photo they’ve sent you? Don’t know what I’m talking about?

Good. I didn’t until hearing the terms passed around lately in the news and around young people.

According to the Urban Dictionary.com (a must for parents/adults alike), sexting is defined as “v: the act of text messaging someone in the hopes of having a sexual encounter with them later; initially casual, transitioning into highly suggestive and even sexually explicit.”

Your teen knows what it means

And yes, if you think your pre-teen or teenager is not up to this term, think again.

I think for all the sexual freedom talk, it’s hard to judge what is the right course of action to take when your pre-teen or teenager is acting out something which should be left in the bedroom. It’s even harder today when our kids are more astute with the latest technology than any of us were 10 or 20 years ago.

From cell phones to text messaging to YouTube and Facebook , kids and teens show an ability to master the latest gizmo available on the market. They take it, use it, and create it to be their own identity; they make their homepages and profiles incredibly savvy even for the novice user.

The danger for young people

The danger is many young people are knowledgeable about sexual terms and how to do them, but not have the knowledge to be responsible to themselves and others.

Meanwhile, parents are left in the dust.

Many adults with kids get their children these devices, or give them unlimited time on the computer unaware of how far down the rabbit hole they can go. Your kids can be in their room or at school for hours, with parents not knowing what is on their cell phone, their personal page, or God knows what else. So how do sexually hip parental units find a balance between allowing your kids freedom to grow?

Simple. Be parental. Mom, Dad…Engage!

Getting to know what your children are doing means you may need to get as technically savvy as your kids. It may be as simple as having a sit down chat with your kids. It may mean you will have to confiscate their cell phones or computer to check out what they have on them.

Be a parent; not a friend

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Is It True That Orgasms Kill Brain Cells? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Sun, 25 May 2008 14:36:12 +0000

While that may seem like a silly question, it’s actually not.

What it is, however, is urban legend. Many people hear these types of urban legends from their friends or from their relatives, and they were probably started to discourage people from having sex.

Remember the one about how masturbation gives you hairy palms? Or about how masturbation can cause blindness? Truth be told, masturbation causes none of these things and the same can be said of orgasms.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Do orgasms kill brain cells?

- Kristen, Pennsylvania

Watch this short video for our thoughts on this very interesting question…

Don’t forget. Click here to Give this Video 5 Stars on YouTube and Subscribe to Ask Dan And Jennifer so you’ll stay up to date with our latest videos.

Then, be sure to chime in and tell us your thoughts – leave a comment below.

But wasn’t there a study?

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What The Church Should Be Telling You About Sexuality But Isn’t…

Christ Pro Erotic — Sun, 04 May 2008 23:47:36 +0000

I have heard every type of sermon in 30 years time ranging from the typical foundational teachings to Dr. Seuss (if you can believe it) as a reference for deeper truths.

But the more typical subjects on sexual issues and relationship issues in the church and elsewhere range from marriage, single dating, and sex before or during marriage, abortion, and the dreaded gay and lesbian surge.

Sadly, there are other issues out there believers in Christ should be hearing from their pulpits. So permit this writer to expose some of those subjects because its high time believers and non-believers alike fight against such things for the sake of everyone on the planet.

Why don’t we hear about rape?

Why don’t we hear a preacher talk about how rape affects everyone? EVERYONE! According to Rape Abuse and Incest National Network 1 out of 6 women and 1 out of 33 men are raped in their lifetime. This leads to depression, suicide, and drug/alcohol abuse, not the pretty “sweet by and by” topics heard but something every believer and non-believer needs to hear about.

And the children, that’s a whole article in itself; incest and ministerial abuse is even as disgusting and falls under this category. There is also the topic of prison rape that is largely ignored by the best of minister (especially when dealing with prison ministries)

If the church really wants to see healing of the body, mind, spirit, and soul then they need to deal with this topic head on. Until it is, thousands of men, women and children will keep in silence never finding healing or release for the things they’ve experienced. Anger, bitterness, rage, and deep hurt are issues that need the churches attention more than if two men or women live in loving relationships.

Why don’t we hear about the international sex trade?

Around the world the sex trade is so huge it is catastrophic to many families and friends. From families who can’t afford to keep their kids and give their kids away to the sex trade to women taken from villages from eastern and developing countries to satisfy the needs of their “clientele” this is a crime which needs a voice.

Where are the ministers in the world who will give these women (and men) a voice? Girls from preteens and older need someone to speak for them or they will be nothing more than objects in the hands of people who have no care for their welfare.

Why do we not hear about adults with urges for sexual relationship with children?

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How To Move Beyond Childhood Abuse And Have Healthier Relationships As An Adult

Melody Brooke — Sat, 22 Mar 2008 13:37:58 +0000

Jim looked at Shannon with a cacophony of feelings; love, lust, appreciation and fear and wanted desperately to reach for her.

Shannon could sense his looking at her, in spite of her back being turned to him as she washed the dishes. Her spine tensed and she felt afraid and then angry.

Jim felt her energy shift and could feel the coldness she projected out at him. He stood frozen in his tracks uncertain as to what to do.

He knew she loved him, and that she wanted to please him. He also knew she would succumb to him if he asserted himself, but she would be angry with him for days. He went back to clearing off the table and securing their doors for the night.

How it all began

“Jim and Shannon” are a composite of couples I have worked with over the years. Shannon is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and had yet to understand all the ways it impacts her relationship with Jim.

Shannon thinks Jim is too focused on sex and, unspoken she really believes he only loves her for what she does for him sexually. She feels shame that he can’t love her for who she is, but doesn’t really think anyone would.

Jim spent his life craving touch. His mother knew that she shouldn’t “coddle him”; her mother taught her well that boys need to be “toughened up”. She let him console himself when he fell and discouraged his affection toward her.

When Jim became a teenager he discovered the joy of touching girls, and the rush of hormones that came with that touch. Touch then, for Jim, became inseparable from sex.

When he met Shannon he thought he had found a woman who was very open and comfortable with sexuality. She never denied him anything he wanted and he felt loved for once in his life.

Ramifications of abuse

Now, as he stood in the kitchen wanting her so badly, he didn’t understand why she no longer seemed to be able to love him as she once had. He felt guilty for wanting her and confused at her rejection of him. His anger and resentment built every time she rejected him.

Shannon had started therapy and she told Jim her therapist said she should not have sex with him until she wanted, and to assert her own needs rather than always succumbing to his.

Shannon’s sexual abuse had taught her to please men, but not herself. The disgust and pain she felt at the thought of sex convinced her she could just as well live without it.

It made her angry that Jim continually pushed her to do something he knew was painful and not fun for her. It reinforced her belief that he could only love her if she gave in to his sexual needs. She felt resentful and angry at his insensitivity, a belief her therapist reinforced in each weekly session.

How to untangle the mess

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Abstinence Only? Does it Really Work?

Christ Pro Erotic — Sun, 16 Mar 2008 14:45:55 +0000

Shelby Knox is one of my biggest heroes!

Who is she? She was a Lubbock, Texas high school student (she’s now in college as of this writing), a church attendee, and comes from a conservative home. Knox was also the subject of the PBS series “P.O.V.” called “The Education of Shelby Knox” where she is the focus of her four years in high school and her fight to bring comprehensive sexual education to her school. Why would someone like her be leading a fight like this?

The Prophet

Like any good “prophet” she saw her people—classmates—suffering form increasing teen pregnancy in her school and others in Lubbock and the spread of STDs. She challenged the Lubbock School Board several times but to no avail; in her journey she realizes places like Lubbock and other areas in the country need to give teens the tools needed to help them to make informed choices when being intimate with another person.

Knox is one of my heroes because she was willing to step outside of her comfort zone and ask the tough questions needed to be asked. Her example helps me to write what I write and ask those tough questions the church and Christians are afraid to ask. I also share her passion over ending the abstinence only teaching in most country and start teaching a through sexual education program around the country and the world.

Choose abstinence for the right reasons

Don’t get me wrong; abstinence is not a bad thing to decide to do for your sexual health. I remember taking my human sexuality course and the instructor taking a sheet of paper and drew a line through the page.

On one side, the risk of being abstinence, the other side, the risk of being sexually active was on the other side of the sheet. While the risk on the sexually active is evident—STD, pregnancy, emotional issues, etc.—those who stay abstinent avoided any of those possible pitfalls. Now proponents supporting the latter view will smile, give high fives, and point at me saying, “see, I told you so!”

Real world issues

However, lets look at the real world shall we? We are human beings, but we are many different parts that make us who we are. We are spiritual beings with the need to be connected with the divine. We are social beings with the need to connect with other people around us. We are sexual beings because, I believe, God made us with the great power to enjoy our sexuality and create life.

With such a great power and responsibility, shouldn’t the final say of how it is used be left to us? The Spiderman geek in me harkens to the mantra created by Stan Lee:“With great power comes great responsibility.”

Give them some credit

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How To Be A Good, Responsible Dad And Still Have Great Sex With Your Wife (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 16:02:59 +0000

Can you really be a good husband AND a great lover?

Remember that she was your wife before she was ‘mom’.

Married couples and especially new parents often forget this very important fact. You were couple before you were parents.

Your biggest responsibility as parents is to love your children and provide a stable home.

You can’t do that if you’re divorced.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My wife and I have been married for 7 years, we have a four year old son and 2 year old twins.

Money is kind of an issue, due to the fact that we are a single income family and I work nights.

How can I be romantic and achieve a romantic sex life, but not neglect our kids and responsibilities as parents?

Thanks Greatly.

– Steven, Missouri

Watch this short video for our thoughts on this very interesting question…

Don’t forget. Click here to Give this Video 5 Stars on YouTube and Subscribe to Ask Dan And Jennifer so you’ll stay up to date with our latest videos.

Then, be sure to chime in and tell us your thoughts – leave a comment below.

Make Time For Your Relationship First

I know you’re exhausted. I know you’re tired. You’ve had a really long day.

But it’s critical to your relationship whether it’s two weeks older 20 years old, to make time for one another and to nurture your relationship. Schedule some time to just be together, whether its first thing in the morning, a nice lunch, or some quite couple time before you drift off to sleep, couple time is very important.

It doesn’t make you bad parents if you get a babysitter once a week so that you and your partner can go out on a nice, intimate, romantic date. As a matter of fact, it may even make you better parents. Parents who actually stay together. Parents who are able to give fully to their children because they feel nurtured and loved as an individual.

Teach your children now what it means to be a well balanced individual. Don’t let them grow up thinking that they have to sacrifice everything to become parents. Just because that’s what your parents may have done, does not mean that’s what you have to do.

Also, don’t forget…

How Your Actions Outside The Bedroom Can Make or Break Your Sex Life

Melody Brooke — Sat, 26 Jan 2008 14:53:05 +0000

I have a little experience with bad sex. I’ve been married three times. This last one took. To tell you the truth my first two husbands would say my current husband was lying if he told them how often and how amazing our sex life is.

Honestly, I have been one of those fortunate women who have always enjoyed good sex. That doesn’t mean I have always said “Yes!” to it when my first husbands wanted me to do so.

Sex happens, not so much in our bodies, as in our minds. Before we can find someone sexy there are a number of things that have to happen in our brain. First of all, the prospect has to fit the patterns our unconscious set into place before we were six years old. Those patterns are based on our experiences as a young person with our caregivers. For some of us, that is a good thing and we meet up with really wonderful partners.

But for most of us this unconscious pattern locked into our brain is not necessarily in our best interest in the long run.

How It Works

My first husband was really smart, something I consciously found very appealing. But he also had some wounds of his own that resulted in his attempting to overpower me with his yelling and demands. This, it turns out (after much therapy), is how my grandmother acted toward most everyone in her household. I happened to be in her household much of my life prior to the age of six. Yelling and demanding behavior have an unwanted side effect on a persons sex life. It didn’t take long for this behavior to become a major turn off for me.

What transpired is that my survival instincts kicked in (this is a brain function, by the way) and I would freeze up in his presence after a while. My whole body went into shut down and the last thing I wanted was to jump into the sack with him. My brain made the decision for me.

My second husband appealed to me consciously because he was handsome and an entrepreneur like my Dad. The unconscious appeal turned out to be that, because of his wounds, he would totally neglect me and ignore my needs the way my father did. My resentment built up over time and there is no way I would choose to have sex him. My brain kicked into survival with him simply because it seemed to me that he was not someone safe in that he did not have my best interests at heart: only his.

It’s All in Your Head

Our brains dictate our behavior much more than we consciously realize. We can feel an unconscious pull toward someone and think this means we want to be sexual with them; this is why we will be so attracted to “bad girls” or “bad boys”. They appeal to the part of us that was hurt and neglected as a kid and it matches up like a lock and key with our unconscious memories of before we were six. We are wired to want the kind of relationship we had with our caregivers. I don’t know about you, but this was not a good thing for me!

So what if you find yourself already hooked up with someone whom your brain is now telling you to retreat from rather than gravitate toward sex with? Well, you have to make some choices with the more rational part of your brain. Is this someone with whom you want to make a life with? If so then you have to figure out how to change the dynamic that is making you not want to have sex with them.

Talk, talk, talk

First of all you need to open a discussion with this person about the things making you feel threatened or shut down. This, of course, is not an easy discussion to have with them because they will immediately feel threatened just by bringing up the idea of your having a problem with them.

So, you have to start with telling them how much you love them and want to work things out. Secondly, begin to talk about your feelings as being about you and your history, not about them being “bad” or “wrong” for behaving the way they do. After all, they act the way they do because of their history and family culture.

When you can open a discussion about how their behavior outside the bedroom is affecting your desire for good sex, then there is hope for things to change. Most of the time, if you want more sex, chances are, they do, too.

If your partner doesn’t want more sex, then you can be certain there is something in your behavior that has triggered an unwanted fear or shutting down response from them. The solution to the problem is to talk about what it is your partner needs to feel safe with you again. Find out what you are doing and see if it is something you can consciously choose to change. Get help and support if you need to, to change those behaviors. A relationship coach or therapist could be the key.

To learn more about Melody Brooke, visit OhWowThisChangesEverything.com.