Ask Dan and Jennifer » sexual health

Q&A: Is Sex Good For The Body?

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 14:00:55 +0000

Sex feels great, so it’s natural to wonder if sex does any more than just feel good. The good news is that it does! Sex can help just about every aspect of your life including physically, mentally and in your relationship. Here’s how great sex can be great for your body and why you need to start having more of it!

Question: Is having sex regularly good for the body?

–YouTube Viewer

How Sex Benefits The Body

Sex actually does lots of great things for your body! Not only does it feel good, but it will help make you healthier all the way around. Sex boosts the immune system and helps more oxygen travel to the brain when your heart starts pumping and your breathing gets faster and faster. By boosting the immune system, sex can help you fight off diseases like the common cold or the flu. Couples that have sex often are generally healthier and have to visit the doctor less. Very vigorous sex will burn lots of calories and work your thigh, leg and abdominal muscles even better than weightlifting reps at the gym! Many women have used regular, vigorous sex as a way to exercise and lose weight. Sex sends endorphins throughout the body that help relieve pain, including headaches. Forget using a headache as an excuse to getting out of having sex on a particular night! Sex can actually be a great cure for headaches. And of course, everyone knows that sex will help you sleep like a baby! Many men and women use sex instead of sleep aids to help them fall asleep faster and sleep deeper, so they feel refreshed and ready to go in the morning.

How Sex Benefits Your Relationship

Having sex often with your partner helps build an intimate sexual bond that carries throughout your relationship. You’ll feel closer to your partner even when you’re just hanging out. With regular sex, your attitudes will be better towards each other and you’ll fight less! Sex will also help improve your self esteem and help you to feel loved and emotionally close to your partner. Sex also relieves stress, so if you’re having a tough day at work, it’s a great way to “cool off” and relax. If you don’t feel like you have enough sex in your relationship, try as best you can to have sex more often. Sex will snowball and if you have more, you’ll start to want more. Having more sex increases your libido so you can have more sex!

How Sex Benefits You

So sex can boost your immune system and help you fight diseases, help you feel better about yourself and your relationship, and help make you healthier! Different sex positions can also help you lose weight! On top of all this, sex feels great and satisfies one of our basic desires as human beings. After all, humans are indeed sexual, no matter how society tries to suggest that we ought to hide it or pretend that we don’t want it or like it. So enjoy sex and have lots of it, because it will definitely improve your life in many more ways than you thought!

Q&A: What’s That Lump Inside My Penis?

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 04 May 2010 14:00:27 +0000

Many people have questions about their bodies, such as bumps on their penis, that they’re afraid to ask about or see a doctor about. It’s not uncommon to be nervous about going to a doctor for such a personal issue. But if you have something strange going on with your body and you’re not sure what it is, here’s what you need to do.

Question: I’m scared and I’m not sure what it is. I’m 18 years old and recently I have noticed on the inside of the head of my penis that there is a lump inside the head. This is completely internal. Nothing shows on the outside except for the skin around the area is turning a slight white. I’m really scared to think that it could be cancer or a tumor in my penis head? I can feel the lump in my penis and it feels like hard tissue. When I pinch it, it doesn’t hurt but over time I think its growing.

–YouTube Viewer

Lots Of Possibilities

A lump on the penis could mean anything. It could be a clogged pore, a genital wart, an infection of some kind or even a benign or cancerous cyst. Strange lumps can pop up anywhere on a man or a woman, and there’s really no telling what it is at first glance. It may be getting bigger or growing, it may hurt, or it may stay small and barely noticeable. Other things can turn up on your body, and most of the time they don’t mean anything at all. Our bodies can do strange or crazy things, but it’s all part of nature. On the other hand, some things that can happen to your body aren’t to be taken lightly at all because they could be something serious. How can you tell if that strange lump or other anomaly on your body is something you should be worried about or not?

Seeing Your Doctor

Only your medical doctor can look at you and determine what is going on with you. He or she may examine you, and they may take blood or run other scans depending on what they think it is. Don’t be nervous about going to see your doctor – it’s the only way you can find out for sure what it is. Your doctor can let you know if it’s nothing to be worried about, or if it is something that needs to be treated right away. Your doctor can help you through any kind of treatment you may need, so it’s important to trust your doctor and be comfortable with them. If you don’t like your doctor or don’t feel comfortable with him or her, find someone you do trust and feel comfortable with. Don’t worry about freaking the doctors out. Doctors have seen it all and then some. Their concern isn’t how weird your ailment is – it’s whether what you have going on is dangerous or not and how to treat it and get you well.

Internet Bunk

Lots of medical forums on the Internet now consist of people with various ailments trying to diagnose and treat each other instead of visiting the doctor. This is not a substitute for sound medical advice! Medical forums are great for talking about treatments, tests and receiving general support for whatever medical condition you’re going through but you can’t get a diagnosis in a forum or a chat room. You can only get a diagnosis and treatment from your doctor.

Q&A: How Can We Spice Up Our Sex Life?

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 14:00:58 +0000

Often in relationships, especially steady and monogomous relationships, sex can get a little boring or dull. Does that mean your sex life is over, or you have to find a new partner to have a good sex life? Hardly! Here are some great ideas you can incorporate into the bedroom to spice up your sex life – and your relationship will likely improve too!

Question: My love and I have been sexually active for almost 4 years now. We have tried just about everything in the bedroom from romance to role play, to toys and a little friendly torture. As of lately things are a bit dull. How can I spice things up to make her, myself, and our relationship get a breath of fresh air, without making possible awkward suggestions?

–YouTube Viewer

Sexual Detox

If your sex life seems to be lacking – regardless of what you do to spice it up – you might be burnt out on sex all together. Often, when sex gets boring, one or both partners throw themselves into an effort of making it better. Therefore, many couples end up having sex more often and trying new things in the bedroom, all without actually improving the quality of their sex lives. If this is your story, it might be time for a break – something called “Sex Detox.” Ian Kerner’s book of the same name details how you can use a thirty day break from sex to your advantage to take your sex life from “blah” to the way it used to be.

“Thrill Of The Chaste”

Ian Kerner says what makes sex detox work is the “thrill of the chaste.” When you and your partner first got together, every kiss and every touch was electric. Why? Because it was new. Your body and mind weren’t accustomed to them. By actively abstaining from sex for at least a month, you and your partner can re-create those feelings. Once again, each touch will become all new again. Your body will react differently to a touch that it is not accustomed to, and you’ll begin to experience your partner in a different way.

The Difference Between Not Having Sex And Choosing Not To Have Sex

Often in a relationship, daily stresses take their toll on sex. Kids, careers and housekeeping all get in the way of a great sex life. Often, couples are so tired by the time they step foot in the bedroom that they simply can’t bring themselves to do anything but hit the sack – literally. Instead of letting your life stop you from having sex, make the decision that you’re going to not have sex for a month yourself. Instead of being too tired to have sex, you’ll be trying not to have sex. The shift in mentality makes a huge difference, because as human beings, we all want something more when we’re trying to do without it, just like how good chocolate cake looks and smells when you’re on a diet. Once your diet is over, that chocolate cake will taste even better! The same applies with going on a sexual “diet” from your partner. You and your partner will constantly be tempting and enticing each other in a way that you never have before!

Q&A: Popping A Girl’s Cherry: Will It Bleed?

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 14:00:36 +0000

When it comes to losing your virginity or even taking someone else’s virginity, there are often more questions than there are answers. Many teens and young adults want to know how bad it hurts the first time, if you can catch STD’s if you’re both virgins or if you “pop” a girl’s cherry, how bad it will bleed, if at all. Here’s what you want to know about bleeding after the first time.

Question: My question concerns popping a girl’s cherry. I’m sure you guys have heard that when a girl has sex for the first time she will bleed from her vagina. Is this true or false, and if it is true is it like a period in the sense that it can be a heavy flow or a light flow, or is the bleeding minimal?

–YouTube Viewer

Bleeding After The First Time

When a girl loses her virginity, it may be painful or uncomfortable, and she may even bleed a little that night and the next day. This is separate from a girl’s period, and is not normally as heavy as a period. When a girl bleeds after the first time, it’s usually a brighter red, while a menstrual flow tends to be a little darker. After losing her virginity, she may bleed a little or bleed off and on for about a day, but a lot of blood – such as enough blood to need to wear a tampon or heavy pad – may mean she needs to see a doctor.

What Causes It To Bleed?

Girls are built with a thin membrane of tissue just inside the vagina that covers part of the vaginal opening. Most of the time, a hymen does not completely cover the vaginal opening, rather, it is shaped more like a half moon, leaving the top of the vaginal opening uncovered to allow a woman’s menstrual flow to come through. However, some hymens can completely cover the vaginal opening, and some only leave a small hole. A septate hymen actually forms in the middle of the vagina, allowing for two openings on either side of the hymen. Uncommon types of hymens can make it difficult for a woman to insert or remove a tampon, and may even prevent her menstrual flow. When a woman loses her virginity, the hymen will break, sometimes causing pain or discomfort for the woman, and sometimes bleeding.

If She Doesn’t Bleed, Does That Mean She’s Not A Virgin?

Hymens can be broken through normal activities, such as sports, horseback riding and inserting and removing a tampon. If your partner doesn’t bleed even though it’s the first time she’s had sex, it does not mean that she’s had sex before and she’s not a virgin. It simply means that her hymen may have broken earlier in her life, or that her hymen just didn’t bleed much if at all when it was broken during sex. Losing your hymen doesn’t mean that you’ve lost your virginity either – you can only lose your virginity the first time you have sex, hymen or no hymen.

Q&A: What Are Those Bumps On My Penis?

Dan and Jennifer — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 15:47:30 +0000

Finding something on your penis that you didn’t expect to see there – such as bumps or discharge – can be terrifying. Is it a sexually transmitted disease? What if you’ve never had sex before? What do you do next? It’s impossible to know exactly what is going on with your body until you see your doctor. Your doctor can help diagnose and treat whatever the problem is, so you can get back to living a healthy, happy life.

Questions:

1.What are those bumps on the tip of my penis?

2. I have a friend who tells me about having odd small white spots on his penis, he says he hasn’t had sex before and hes worried if somehow he got a sexually transmitted disease. He is also scared to go to the doctor, do you know what it could be and is it serious?

–YouTube Viewers

What Causes Bumps On The Penis?

There can be several causes for white or red bumps anywhere on the penis. The first thing that comes to mind is a sexually transmitted disease and yes, certain types of STD’s can be responsible for bumps on the penis and in the groin area. Herpes generally causes small, red, pus filled bumps, while genital warts appear more cauliflower like. A single red spot that goes away after a few days can even be a symptom of syphilis. Other causes for bumps on the penis are clogged pores, razor burn or ingrown hairs. These can all cause small red or white bumps and can be the result of recently shaving your penis or genitals, or using cream or lotion that you’ve had a reaction to. Unfortunately, there really is no way to tell sexually transmitted diseases that cause bumps on the penis apart from bumps caused by shaving or ingrown hairs without a doctor’s expertise.

Seeing Your Doctor

Seeing your doctor about your penis can be uncomfortable, but never count your doctor out just because you’re embarrassed. There really is no reason to be – your doctor has gone to school for years to study medicine and to learn to treat patients with various conditions and diseases. There really isn’t anything that your doctor hasn’t seen before, or heard about before. Your doctor is not going to criticize you or look at you like you have a monster growing out of your head just because you have bumps on your penis. Your doctor may take a swab sample from your penis or a blood sample, and they may ask you questions about your sex life and possible exposure to sexually transmitted diseases. These are all important questions that can help lead to a diagnosis in addition to physical tests, and it’s important that you answer all questions completely honestly.

Finding A Doctor That You’re Comfortable With

If you’re truly not comfortable with your current doctor, find a new one. It’s important for every person to have a regular doctor, especially if you’re sexually active. Yearly exams are important and if you’re sexually active with multiple partners, regular STD testing is a must. It’s worth it to put some effort into finding a doctor that you are compatible and comfortable with for your medical needs now and in the future.

5 Sex Tips For Good Health

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 21:00:06 +0000

Sexuality for women is still a taboo topic. Not long ago, women were raised to feel as though sex was dirty, and deriving pleasure from sex was impossible. Fortunately, women can and do enjoy sex, but they have so much more potential to do so once they become more comfortable with themselves as sexual beings. In our new book, The Best Sex Of Your Life, presented by SheKnows.com, we show you 101 ways to make your sex life hotter and learn to enjoy it more. Here are 5 great ways to improve your sexual health right now!

Happy, Healthy Women Have The Hottest Sex (#101)

Women are notorious for taking care of others before they take care of themselves. For better sexual health though, a woman must make sure she is taken care of too! Make sure you get enough sleep, because fatigue will make you less likely to want sex – you’ll want the bed for a much different reason. Get your nails done, get a pedicure and enjoy a quiet spa lunch. Eat healthy and exercise.

Learn To Touch Yourself And Then Teach Your Man Your Moves (#14)

Your man can’t read your mind. He doesn’t know what you like – but you do. That is, if you masturbate. If you don’t, get started! If you learn how to pleasure yourself, you’ll better be able to show your partner how you like to be touched.

Sex Toys Can Strengthen Your Orgasm (#67)

If you want to strengthen your orgasm or experience a different type of orgasm entirely, now is not the time to be shy about sex toys! Try a few out – you might be surprised! Sex toys allow you to have stronger, faster orgasms and can be just the ticket if you have a difficult time acheiving orgasm at all. In fact, women can experience many different types of orgasms, each with their own powerful and unique sensations. Trying different sex toys can help you expand your orgasms!

Don’t Forget To Have Fun (#87)

During the beginning of a relationship, everything is new and absolutely fascinating. You’re not sure what is going to happen next – and neither is he! That makes sex, as well as everything else about the relationship, explosive. When you and your partner begin to get comfortable with each other, the passion tends to dissolve. Remember how you and your partner were at the beginning of your relationship and allow yourself to have that kind of spontaneous fun again. Chances are, the sex is going to be just as good!

Having More Sex Boosts Your Libido (#2)

Sex is one of the most powerful ways to improve your mood and reduce stress. It feels great – physically and emotionally. During and after sex, especially if you reach climax one or more times, allows your brain to release certain chemicals that make you feel fabulous. Having more sex that helps release those chemicals will in turn make you want sex more. It’s a feel good cycle!

Don’t forget, get your copy of our book, The Best Sex of Your Life: 101 Secrets Every Woman Should Know, on Amazon.com today!

What Causes Irrational Fear Of Sex?

Paul Carlson — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 14:00:49 +0000

Sex is everywhere. Sex sells, right? You see sex on television, in movies and you hear it in music. It’s on billboards, in newspaper ads and all over the Internet. So logically, as a society, we don’t seem very afraid of sex, do we? Surprisingly enough, many people still have a deep seated, irrational fear of sex, masturbation and other sex related things. Why is this fear irrational, and what causes it? What can you do about it?

Sex And Psychology

The most complicated part of human psychology is sex. Sex involves so many things, including the body, the mind and even your emotions. What feels good physically doesn’t always feel good emotionally, and what feels good emotionally doesn’t always please you physically. It can be difficult to understand why someone may have a fear about sex or have a sex related phobia, because there are so many contributing factors to sex. In persons who haven’t been sexually abused, a fear of sex or a sex phobia can seem irrational. The human body and mind was created to enjoy and take pleasure from sex, and it’s one of the most natural things for two human beings to do together. What are some things that can cause an irrational fear of sex?

Painful Sex

Many people can experience pain during sex or masturbation. In women, small vaginas or lack of natural lubrication can make penetration extremely uncomfortable or painful. In some women, the clitoral hood doesn’t cover the clitoris completely, making most types of sexual contact painful instead of pleasurable. In men, a poorly done circumcision can leave too little skin on the penis, making an erection uncomfortable or painful when the skin stretches too taut. Penises also have stiff, fibrous muscles that when erect, can “break.” It’s rare, but rough masturbation or sex can “break” a penis, making sex or even erections painful if it’s not corrected immediately. Anyone that experiences pain during sex or masturbation can develop a fear of sex or sex related activities, depending on what causes them pain or discomfort.

Psychological Issues

Many people have an irrational fear of sex due to psychological factors. Some people have phobias of sex or masturbation because their parents brought them up in an overly religious environment, or they were taught to think sex is dirty. Believe it or not, many women are taught that enjoying sex is “wrong” and that sex is only something they must do as a wife when they get married. Many of these women don’t have orgasms and have very poor and unsatisfying sex lives, therefore, may avoid sex as much as they can in fear of it. Many men and women are brought up thinking that masturbation is wrong as well, even that it will give you hairy palms or cause blindness. Any type of skewed thinking about sexual pleasure that was ingrained on a person as a child can contribute to sexual fears and phobias in adulthood.

STD’s And Pregnancy

Some people avoid sex all together because they have deeply rooted fears of pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases. Perhaps someone in the family contracted AIDS or got pregnant, and the family criticized them or looked down upon them. Perhaps someone contracted a sexually transmitted disease or got pregnant and is terrified of it happening again. Fears of pregnancy and STD’s can play a large part in someone’s irrational phobias of sex.

What To Do

If you have a fear of sex or sex related activities, it’s important to see a doctor. What you’re experiencing, however, can determine which type of doctor you go see. If you’re having physical pain during sex, you should make an appointment with your general practitioner or family doctor. They can do a physical examination as well as take a detailed medical history to determine what exactly is causing the pain or contributing to it. If you’re having psychological issues with sex, consider seeing a therapist or a specialized sex therapist to help talk to you about your phobias, why you have them and how you can work your way through them.

Many people are afraid of seeing the doctor – regardless of which type – because having a sexual fear for whatever reason can seem embarrassing. Lots of things are embarrassing though, and you deserve to have a happy, healthy sex life. Find a doctor or therapist that you’re comfortable with, and take control of your sex life.

Vaginal Rejuvenation vs. Penis Size – What Can You Do When Things Start To Get Loose Down South?

PK24 Vaginal Rejuvenation — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 00:01:44 +0000

Creams, supplements and even equipment for penis enlargement or erectile dysfunction is readily available for men all over the world – but what about women? It’s true – after childbirth and as women age, the vagina can become loose and lose sensitivity for both partners. What’s a gal to do when having sex just isn’t as pleasurable as it used to be?

Vaginoplasty

One of the options for vaginal rejuvenation is vaginoplasty, or vaginal surgery. Experienced surgeons can help tighten things up down south, giving you and your partner a more satisfying sex life – but is vaginal surgery all it’s cracked up to be? Not exactly. As with any surgery, while there are pros, there is also a long list of cons. The worst being death, followed by infection, undesirable results (such as a vagina that is still too loose or becomes too tight to even have intercourse), and a long recovery period if the surgery goes without a hitch. Any woman considering vaginoplasty should talk to a board-certified surgeon and consider all options before consenting to surgery.

Are There Other Options?

Of course! The most tried and true of all of them are the well-known Kegel exercises. You may have heard of them, but might not ever tried them. Just like any other muscle, the vaginal muscle can become tighter and more toned with regular exercise. To find your Kegel muscles, simply stop your stream of urine mid-go. This is the exact same maneuver you’ll use when doing your Kegel exercises. You can even try doing Kegels with a vaginal weight or Ben-Wa balls.

Another option is vaginal tightening cream. Just like anti-wrinkle cream for your face, vaginal tightening cream plumps and hydrates the inner walls of the vagina, giving you and your partner heightened sensitivity during sex. Combined with Kegel exercises, vaginal tightening cream can help produce even better results than vaginal surgery, without the risks and lengthy healing periods.

Not all vaginal tightening creams are the same though. Many vaginal tightening creams claim to do wonders, but lack clinical backing or may even use ingredients that are considered unsafe. Because they are manufactured overseas, some even have traces of arsenic. (Be safe.) PK24 is the only vaginal cream that is manufactured in the United States to ensure quality and has gone through clinically trials to test for safety and efficacy.

PK24 is the only clinically tested and proven vaginal tightening cream on the market today, helping women every day to bring the spark back to their sex lives and the satisfaction back to their partners.

PK24 is one of the only all-natural vaginal tightening creams that use proprietary plant extracts to achieve the desired results and is safe enough to use every single day! Lasting a full 24 hours, PK24 helps women achieve heightened vaginal sensations and have better, more frequent orgasms.

In fact, in the PK24 clinical trials, 78% of women reported an increase in satisfaction with their ability to reach orgasm AND 45% report increase in frequency of orgasm when using pk24.

Before considering vaginoplasty, a woman should exhaust all other options first. Through discovering different ways to tighten and tone your vaginal tissue and muscles, you can bring the passion back to your sex life without expensive and risky vaginal surgery. Do some research on your own about what other women are saying about Kegel exercises, vaginal weights and PK24 vaginal tightening cream to find the best solution for you and your partner.

How Keeping A Journal Can Reveal If Your Lover Is Cheating

Jim Walthby — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 13:05:32 +0000

Our minds aren’t perfect at remembering special details and specific facts. Far from it.

Our brains work selectively; they store and recall certain bits of information while forgetting others.

For example, you might remember, for whatever reason, a phone number that has little or no importance to you, but forget the birthday of someone you really should buy a present for.

For the most part, this selective/subjective memory trait creates no real problems in our day to day lives. We can look up a number if we forget it, or ask a friend of a friend for the day of the month on which someone’s birthday falls.

When Selective Memory Is A Problem

However, sometimes it can make things slightly trickier. One such time is when we suspect our partner may be cheating on us. Imagine you walk into the room just as your partner is putting down the phone and they seem a little on edge or tense as they turn around and see you.

The incident may stick out in your mind for weeks, niggling at you, making you wonder: did it mean something, was it a sign? Fast forward to a different occasion, when your partner returns home from a business meeting or other engagement late and immediately jumps in the shower, even before properly saying ‘hi’ to you.

You might rationalize their behavior by thinking: “Well, they were probably tired or something. They surely just felt like refreshing themselves with a shower,” then forget all about it.

You might be 100% right, but that’s not really the point. The strange phone incident and the unusual dash to the bathroom on returning home could both have happened because your partner is cheating on you, and conversely they both could be wholly innocent and not caused by infidelity.

The point here is, remembering one incident over the other and thus giving it more weight or meaning than the other in your mind could potentially make it much more difficult to ascertain what is or isn’t going on, whether they’re trustworthy or not.

So, to combat the human tendency to selectively remember and therefore consider some incidents more than others, and therefore improve your chances of revealing the truth, you should keep an objective, non-selective record of everything that happens. Here’s how it works:

Keep A Journal

Use a journal or diary, not a digital method of recording events, changes in behavior/habits/moods, etc. Noting things in your own handwriting allows each piece of information recorded to be absorbed more deeply and permanently by your mind than if you type them out quickly on a computer.

Also, paper records (a diary, journal, etc.) are usually more portable than laptops, PC’s, etc., which could come in handy if/when you spot a potential sign of infidelity away from home.

Be Objective

Keep your journal as objective and neutral as humanly possible. Note the time something unusual, strange or suspicious occurs, if you’ve noticed it before, and what it consists of.

For example, saying: “Today (insert date) they came home 2 hours later than usual from work, it’s happened once before and they offered no reason or explanation for their lateness” is much better and more useful in the long run than: “They came home late again! They had no reason to be late at all. It must mean something.”

So, be specific, neutral, accurate and non-judgmental. A time will come when you’ll make a decision on whether or not you can trust them and it’ll be then when an emotional response will be completely warranted and understandable. Until then, record what happens like a robot. I’ll help unravel the mystery and reveal what the hell is or isn’t going on.

Keep Your Journal Hidden

Finally, keep your journal/record hidden away somewhere where it won’t be stumbled upon by your partner. If they ARE cheating and find your diary, it could easily make them more secretive and more careful not to give out noticeable signs of their infidelity in the future, thus making your job of uncovering the truth more difficult.

If they find it and are NOT cheating, they could feel insulted or hurt that you don’t fully trust them. That’s an issue that, if appropriate, can be brought up by you after you’ve completed your little ‘investigation’. For now, secretiveness is quite possibly one of your greatest allies in discovering whether or not your partner’s having an affair.

8 Ways You May be Betraying Your Lover

Scott and Stephen Petullo — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 18:45:17 +0000

Infidelity comes in many different forms besides having a sexual relationship with someone other than your lover, assuming you’ve agreed to a monogamous relationship with that person.

We’re often asked how romantic betrayal relates to spiritual tenets such as karma and personal destiny. In two words, a lot. Our long-term empirical research firmly indicates that everything you do and say will return to you, and usually not in the same lifetime.

The Big Picture

When looking at the big picture in relation to your love life, it’s important to realize that key circumstances and events, ”good” and “bad,” happen because that’s the way your soul (not your personality) planned them before birth so you can learn your lessons and grow spiritually.

However, you do have free will to make the most of every situation. You can also limit your future life karma by treating others as you want to be treated now. Below we list five ways you may be betraying your lover, possibly even without realizing you’re doing so.

1. Emotional Cheating

You have an emotionally intimate relationship with someone other than your spouse. You’re not sleeping with this other person, but still you have an intimate connection that you explore and nurture. If this sort of relationship isn’t acceptable with your spouse, then you are betraying them.

2. Fantasizing Outside the Relationship

You’re regularly fantasizing about someone else, even while in bed with your partner. If you and your partner have an agreement that it’s okay to do so, then fine, but beyond that, it’s a form of betrayal.

3. Disregarding Personal Health

You stop maintaining your health, take up unhealthy habits that cause your looks to deteriorate and, or otherwise are not making the most of your appearance and looking your best for your partner.

4. Decreasing Sexual Frequency

You limit the amount of sex between you and your significant other. Worse, you start to offer sex to your partner only under certain conditions, perhaps in exchange for something such as giving you more of his or her disposable income.

5. Cutting Off Your Partner

You cut off your lover emotionally or intellectually, or otherwise limit or sever vital human contact. Sure, relationships go through certain stages where you may change the way you relate, but to intentionally starve him or her of the type of emotional or mental contact you had prior is a form of betrayal.

6. Financial Irresponsibility

You are not financially responsible, spend more than you both make or have, and risk his or her good credit standing. Telling your lover he or she should be making more money isn’t an excuse for spending too much.

7. Just Pretending

You pretend you are in lust and love but you aren’t. Nobody likes to be with someone who really isn’t into them, but pretends to be.

8. Loving Someone Else

You are in love with someone else and, or you simply don’t love your partner anymore, yet you remain with them and pretend everything is great because you don’t want to hurt their feelings. This is actually selfish because you are keeping them from being with someone more compatible.

In a karmic sense, all of this behavior is ultimately betrayal and just as negative as fooling around behind your lover’s back. In fact, altering your behavior in any way, to your lover’s detriment, after a commitment has been made, is cheating. What to do if you are on the receiving end, you ask? We don’t recommend retaliating with similar behavior, since it will incur negative karma.

But if you’ve done all you can do to help your relationship, and your partner refuses to do their part, it is your right to sever the connection and leave if the betrayal or betrayals push the union beyond repair. You won’t incur any negative karma if you leave as peacefully and fairly as you can.

eXtreme Sex Ed: I Feel Like I Have To Pee During Oral Sex!

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 11:19:57 +0000

Feeling like you have to urinate during oral sex, or any other type of sexual activity, can be quite unnerving the first time it happens. If it happens often, you might become even more confused or be tempted to avoid oral sex all together.

Is it normal to feel like you have to urinate during oral sex or other sexual activity? What can you do about it so you can enjoy your partner?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’m relatively new at this whole sex thing. I grew up a pastor’s kid…. Anyways, I’m married now, and there are problems. I’ve got tons of questions but no one to ask. Questions that can’t be answered by books. Is it normal to feel like peeing when a person does oral on you? I kind of squirm, cause it feels like I want to pee, and I would be mortified if that happened. So I avoid it all together, which is a shame cause I’d like to know how it truly feels…

–Scarlett, NJ

The Whole Package

Your genitals actually come in a whole package. The muscles, nerve endings and organs all work together to help you to urinate, achieve orgasm and have sexual intercourse or other sexual activity.

Some of the muscles and nerve endings do two different things. The same muscles that contract while you urinate are also the same muscles that spasm during orgasm.

It’s only natural to consider that sometimes your body might get a little confused. You’re experiencing sexual pleasure and the muscles that are getting ready to spasm during an orgasm might actually make you feel like you have to urinate instead. This is totally normal and it actually happens to both women and men.

Although it’s perfectly normal to feel like you have to urinate during oral sex or other sexual activity, that doesn’t make it any less frustrating or confusing when it happens.

Prevention is Key

If you feel like you have to urinate during oral sex, does that mean you actually do have to urinate? Probably not, but it is certainly possible. If you find yourself feeling like you have to urinate during sexual pleasure, try to preempt yourself by using the restroom before you and your partner get busy.

This can help reduce or eliminate the feeling of having to urinate once you and your partner start pleasuring each other. If you feel the need to urinate during oral sex, feel free to stop your partner and let them know that you need to use the restroom.

You can incorporate it into your sex play by suggesting a hop in the shower with a nice soapy massage or you can just do your business and continue afterwards. It’s up to you based on how comfortable you feel with your partner at the time.

If It Happens

Although it probably won’t happen, if you do urinate a little during oral sex or other sexual stimulation, it’s really not a big deal. Most likely it will be a tiny, tiny amount and your partner may not actually notice it if you have other secretions going on as well. If your partner does notice, relax a little bit!

You’re not the only one it’s ever happened to and it might be good for a laugh later. There’s no need to avoid sexual pleasure, oral sex or other types of sexual activity because you’re afraid of urinating during the process.

When experiencing sexual pleasure in general, it’s likely that your body is going to do many different things, some of which might be considered embarrassing or uncomfortable.

You may pass gas or you may feel the need to urinate. Relax a little and chalk it up to the human body. Learn to accept your body, and your partner’s, and everything that comes with it.

Is Stress Damaging Your Relationship?

Alan B. Densky, CH — Sat, 20 Sep 2008 19:09:43 +0000

Stress is a normal part of daily life. In fact, without a small amount of stress, our bodies wouldn’t function. Yes, our lives actually depend on stress! If stress is good for us, how do we know how much is enough – and how much is too much?

Stress is so normal that we actually come to depend on it to help us with the everyday activities of our lives. For example, if people didn’t feel some stress and anxiety about their grades, they would not be motivated to perform well in school. Likewise, without being a little anxious about paying bills, eating, and housing, people would not be concerned about getting employment or doing their jobs well.

Stress Damages Health & Relationships

Too much stress, however can be damaging to our health and relationships. Excessive worrying can cause a person’s body to produce chemicals that cause high blood pressure, lessen pain tolerance, and even delay healing.

People with high stress levels become ill more easily and get well more slowly. They aren’t able to perform their jobs as effectively or concentrate as intently on course work and exams.

Excessive stress can damage personal relationships as well as business relationships. People who are coping with high levels of anxiety are often irritable from lack of sleep, and have a lower tolerance for a family member’s little faults. Persons who are under high levels of stress may find it much more difficult to control their tempers or say things tactfully.

This often leads to harsh or unkind words. The person who is under high levels of stress may or may not realize just how much someone else might be affected by these words. If he or she does not recognize how much the words hurt, further misunderstandings can result, and the relationship can be permanently hurt by this situation.

How Dating Causes Stress

People who are dating are under high levels of stress as each is working to convince the other that he or she is attractive, interesting, and appealing. Usually, people who are irritable and cranky are not appealing to others.

If you are considering entering a dating relationship, but are at a stressful point in your life, it may be wise to think about waiting until your stress is resolved, or getting some help in relieving your anxiety.

If you are already in a relationship that you value, however, avoiding interacting with the person while you are feeling stressed is probably not a good choice. Finding relief from the stress is probably a more desirable choice than getting out of the relationship altogether. But where can you turn?

Where to Turn For Help

When it comes to dealing with stress, people have a number of options from which to choose. Some people opt for medications that help to relieve anxiety. These medicines, however, can cause sleepiness or drowsiness, and often affect a person’s ability to work and concentrate as well.

Other people, realizing the extent of their stress levels, decide to seek assistance from a professional. Many opt for expensive group or individual therapies. While these approaches can help, they are expensive and time-consuming. Making spare time for keeping therapy appointments can add to the daily stress in a person’s already busy life.

Some people choose to try hypnosis to help them decrease their stress levels. Hypnosis is an excellent tool for relieving anxiety and stress. As a matter of fact, the essence of hypnosis is relaxation!

Misconceptions About Hypnosis

There are a lot of misconceptions about hypnosis. The most prevalent are:

A. Hypnosis is sleep. This is false, actually hypnosis is the opposite of sleep, and it is a state of keen awareness where you are wide-awake and aware of everything around you.

B. You cannot be made to divulge your secrets.

C. You cannot be made to do anything against your will.

There are many different forms of hypnosis, so choosing the right methodology can be confusing.

Forms of Hypnosis

Traditional hypnosis relies on the hypnotist giving the client post-hypnotic suggestions. This can be effective, but it usually only works for people who find it easy to accept suggestions from others without questioning why or how. Most people who are experiencing high levels of stress in their lives, however, do not fit into this category.

A more sophisticated form of hypnosis is Ericksonian Hypnotherapy, named after Milton Erickson, MD, the father of modern hypnosis. This form of hypnosis is highly effective for today’s analytical personality because it hides the suggestions to the unconscious mind within conversation, stories, and metaphores.

A newer, more revolutionary alternative for people who tend to over analyze things and try to solve their problems through critical thinking is Neuro-Linguistic Programming, or NLP. This approach allows people to eliminate stress by using techniques that are easy to learn and implement.

People actually learn to program their mind for relaxation, and become much calmer, by training their unconscious to use the very same thought processes that caused their stress, as triggers to eliminate it.

While Ericksonian Hypnotherapy and NLP are very effective, people often do not have the spare time or money to visit a qualified hypnotherapist and learn these techniques. For this reason, self-hypnosis and NLP experts have created a number of CDs to help people learn and practice these techniques at home.

Stress affects everyone, and too much stress can be harmful to a person’s health and relationships. Most people are willing to do everything reasonably possible to keep relationships with family, friends, and loved ones as healthy as possible.

Finding workable solutions for treating stress, such as NLP or hypnotherapy approaches, is much less expensive, and painful, than losing a friend or a spouse. Read more about the advantages of stress relief today!

Parents. You ARE The Sex Ed Teacher.

Christ Pro Erotic — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 16:17:15 +0000

When was the last time you saw something on your Blackberry of a friend of yours was “sexting” in a photo they’ve sent you? Don’t know what I’m talking about?

Good. I didn’t until hearing the terms passed around lately in the news and around young people.

According to the Urban Dictionary.com (a must for parents/adults alike), sexting is defined as “v: the act of text messaging someone in the hopes of having a sexual encounter with them later; initially casual, transitioning into highly suggestive and even sexually explicit.”

Your teen knows what it means

And yes, if you think your pre-teen or teenager is not up to this term, think again.

I think for all the sexual freedom talk, it’s hard to judge what is the right course of action to take when your pre-teen or teenager is acting out something which should be left in the bedroom. It’s even harder today when our kids are more astute with the latest technology than any of us were 10 or 20 years ago.

From cell phones to text messaging to YouTube and Facebook , kids and teens show an ability to master the latest gizmo available on the market. They take it, use it, and create it to be their own identity; they make their homepages and profiles incredibly savvy even for the novice user.

The danger for young people

The danger is many young people are knowledgeable about sexual terms and how to do them, but not have the knowledge to be responsible to themselves and others.

Meanwhile, parents are left in the dust.

Many adults with kids get their children these devices, or give them unlimited time on the computer unaware of how far down the rabbit hole they can go. Your kids can be in their room or at school for hours, with parents not knowing what is on their cell phone, their personal page, or God knows what else. So how do sexually hip parental units find a balance between allowing your kids freedom to grow?

Simple. Be parental. Mom, Dad…Engage!

Getting to know what your children are doing means you may need to get as technically savvy as your kids. It may be as simple as having a sit down chat with your kids. It may mean you will have to confiscate their cell phones or computer to check out what they have on them.

Be a parent; not a friend

This is the part where you become a parent and not a buddy.

You simply say to them that seeing they are the ones who put a roof over their head, food on the table, and gave you the gift of life you—being the person responsible for how they will turn out in life—have every right to know if what they are doing with their friends and online is okay or not. They may balk but your involvement shows how much you love them as a parent. The alternative is much worse than not engaging in their lives.

Communicate. Educate. Establish ground rules

I’m no Dr. Phil, but I think that giving children some boundaries is not a bad thing at all.

Here are a few more tips for monitored “freedoms”.

Talk to your kids about sexuality. This world is much more sexually charged than the one you may have grown in. Sexual terms are at anybody’s disposal in an instant; radio programs talk about it openly; magazines—male and female—are constantly pushing tips on how to be more “available”. Parents need to head them off at the pass.
Parents, YOU are the sex ed teachers! Teachers need to learn the material out there and all the technology available to kids, engaging in their life. Find out what is out there and what they are doing so you can be a few steps ahead of your teen.
Teens need rules. In fact, if most teens were honest, they want rules so they know where they stand and know what is expected of them. If you just hand them a phone or an account without any supervision they can walk all over you as parents and go as far as they want without any restraint or idea of how much this can hurt them. This is wrong. If you put a curfew on how late your teens can stay out or how late they can stay up then it’s time to put a limit on how long to let them on the computer or on their cell phones.
Before buying a cell phone, find out what parental tools are available to block or place limits on them. If its an on line account, than why not have a primary account, in which a parental block can be put on a child’s account. Most servers like Yahoo or MSN will have this function available.

If communicating about sexuality on a regular basis is not enough, or if putting every safe guard on such 21st century technology is not enough, then you may have to do something “so like last century”.

Don’t give them anything.

Their world won’t crumble if they don’t have these technological devices with them twenty-four hours a day,except for an emergency of some sort where you can hand them your phone. They may be better off not having those tools at all.

This may seem like too much censoring and restricting freedoms. But until parents feel comfortable their children are safe, responsible, and knowledgeable about sexuality and relationships (not to mention the technology available to make social life fun) censoring may not always a bad thing.

Poll question: How many electric devices does your teenager(s) own?

What The Church Should Be Telling You About Sexuality But Isn’t…

Christ Pro Erotic — Sun, 04 May 2008 23:47:36 +0000

I have heard every type of sermon in 30 years time ranging from the typical foundational teachings to Dr. Seuss (if you can believe it) as a reference for deeper truths.

But the more typical subjects on sexual issues and relationship issues in the church and elsewhere range from marriage, single dating, and sex before or during marriage, abortion, and the dreaded gay and lesbian surge.

Sadly, there are other issues out there believers in Christ should be hearing from their pulpits. So permit this writer to expose some of those subjects because its high time believers and non-believers alike fight against such things for the sake of everyone on the planet.

Why don’t we hear about rape?

Why don’t we hear a preacher talk about how rape affects everyone? EVERYONE! According to Rape Abuse and Incest National Network 1 out of 6 women and 1 out of 33 men are raped in their lifetime. This leads to depression, suicide, and drug/alcohol abuse, not the pretty “sweet by and by” topics heard but something every believer and non-believer needs to hear about.

And the children, that’s a whole article in itself; incest and ministerial abuse is even as disgusting and falls under this category. There is also the topic of prison rape that is largely ignored by the best of minister (especially when dealing with prison ministries)

If the church really wants to see healing of the body, mind, spirit, and soul then they need to deal with this topic head on. Until it is, thousands of men, women and children will keep in silence never finding healing or release for the things they’ve experienced. Anger, bitterness, rage, and deep hurt are issues that need the churches attention more than if two men or women live in loving relationships.

Why don’t we hear about the international sex trade?

Around the world the sex trade is so huge it is catastrophic to many families and friends. From families who can’t afford to keep their kids and give their kids away to the sex trade to women taken from villages from eastern and developing countries to satisfy the needs of their “clientele” this is a crime which needs a voice.

Where are the ministers in the world who will give these women (and men) a voice? Girls from preteens and older need someone to speak for them or they will be nothing more than objects in the hands of people who have no care for their welfare.

Why do we not hear about adults with urges for sexual relationship with children?

Call it a sickness, call it an easy out for those who feel guilt over their sexual urges and turn to children for an “easy out”, urges by adults to satisfy their desires with a child under the age of 18 is wrong.

Pedophilias in the Catholic faith rocked the church to its core and have seen the exodus of many members tired of Rome ignoring the issues. The Protestant side shows similar cases with everyone from the minister to the janitor around the world taking advantage of our children.

When will we hear a sermon or a movement to address the sexual issues adults have and to find help to steer them to a healthier expression of their needs? I hope soon. If not, the faith cannot continue standing on the high moral ground when the ground is moist with hierocracy.

What about comprehensive sexual education?

I can find tapes, DVD’s, even on-line sermons dealing with sex before marriage warning teens and adults of the spiritual “dangers” of proceeding this way. I would love to hear a frank sermon from a pastor willing to talk about what happens if abstinence fails and you find yourself wanting to be sexual? Corpus Interruptus isn’t an option by the way; nor is running away into the night.

Can one pastor in the world talk about contraceptives without feeling like betraying the church? Can one man or woman of the cloth deal with condoms and “the pill” without gagging in between points behind the pulpit?

That’s what the people need to hear, not a lot of “thou shalt nots” but realistic approaches to a real world. And if you want to add spiritual touches to the sermons, then talk about people asking for God for the strength to find help and wisdom in taking some of the approaches I’ve just mentioned.

These are just the tip of the iceberg, but now that the cards are on the table will someone take the lead? It’s easy for me to talk about this, but until the people of the church demand to have these issues addressed those affected by these subjects will live in silence without any hope.

With billions of dollars spent on how a person can be prosperous and self assured maybe money could be spent in the direction of putting programs together to help these victims. Instead of stopping the gays or paying for workshops to stop abortions can’t we try to help the broken from loosing all hope that God will ever hear their pain?

How To Move Beyond Childhood Abuse And Have Healthier Relationships As An Adult

Melody Brooke — Sat, 22 Mar 2008 13:37:58 +0000

Jim looked at Shannon with a cacophony of feelings; love, lust, appreciation and fear and wanted desperately to reach for her.

Shannon could sense his looking at her, in spite of her back being turned to him as she washed the dishes. Her spine tensed and she felt afraid and then angry.

Jim felt her energy shift and could feel the coldness she projected out at him. He stood frozen in his tracks uncertain as to what to do.

He knew she loved him, and that she wanted to please him. He also knew she would succumb to him if he asserted himself, but she would be angry with him for days. He went back to clearing off the table and securing their doors for the night.

How it all began

“Jim and Shannon” are a composite of couples I have worked with over the years. Shannon is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and had yet to understand all the ways it impacts her relationship with Jim.

Shannon thinks Jim is too focused on sex and, unspoken she really believes he only loves her for what she does for him sexually. She feels shame that he can’t love her for who she is, but doesn’t really think anyone would.

Jim spent his life craving touch. His mother knew that she shouldn’t “coddle him”; her mother taught her well that boys need to be “toughened up”. She let him console himself when he fell and discouraged his affection toward her.

When Jim became a teenager he discovered the joy of touching girls, and the rush of hormones that came with that touch. Touch then, for Jim, became inseparable from sex.

When he met Shannon he thought he had found a woman who was very open and comfortable with sexuality. She never denied him anything he wanted and he felt loved for once in his life.

Ramifications of abuse

Now, as he stood in the kitchen wanting her so badly, he didn’t understand why she no longer seemed to be able to love him as she once had. He felt guilty for wanting her and confused at her rejection of him. His anger and resentment built every time she rejected him.

Shannon had started therapy and she told Jim her therapist said she should not have sex with him until she wanted, and to assert her own needs rather than always succumbing to his.

Shannon’s sexual abuse had taught her to please men, but not herself. The disgust and pain she felt at the thought of sex convinced her she could just as well live without it.

It made her angry that Jim continually pushed her to do something he knew was painful and not fun for her. It reinforced her belief that he could only love her if she gave in to his sexual needs. She felt resentful and angry at his insensitivity, a belief her therapist reinforced in each weekly session.

How to untangle the mess

How do you untangle a mess like this? Neither fully understands the other’s pain. Both are completely focused on their own needs and their own wounds. Hearing their story there are few of us that could not feel empathy for each of them; yet they don’t have it for each other.

While sorting out their wounds and re-discovering each other is not simple; the underlying process is really quite simple. Both “Jim’ and “Shannon” are wounded in complementary and remarkably similar ways.

Both have had their sexuality interfered with through their early childhood experiences. Both were taught erroneous things about their value as human beings and the meaning of the sexual act.

To survive, Shannon had to adapt to her environment by pretending that her needs don’t matter. So did Jim.

But their needs persisted. Meeting each other’s needs early in their relationship fit right in with their childhood patterns; but continued to require their ignoring their childhood needs.

This leaves both of them feeling like a victim to the other. Both fight in self-protective stances to get their needs met by the person they perceive of as the perpetrator of their pain.

Shannon’s well meaning therapist empathized with the horror of Shannon’s abuse and worked to protect Shannon from further pain by encouraging Shannon to avoid sex with her husband.

This attempt to rescue Shannon from her pain resulted in Jim being stuck in a situation that mimicked his mother’s rejection and perpetuated his touch deprivation.

Hearts are broken and marriages fail in this process of trying to rescue a survivor wife from a husband who, naturally, wants an active sex life.

The alternative?

Help both partners understand the dynamic between them. Teach each partner to experience and practice compassion for the other, as well as themselves. Help them to feel their fear of each other and to accept that fear as a part of the natural development of intimacy, not something to be avoided or disowned.

Encourage them to allow their own feelings to flow in the presence of the other and teach the other to accept and support each other’s pain, sorrow, and joy.

Encourage them to touch each other often in non-sexual ways. Encourage them to learn what healthy sexuality really is: a chance to experience each other fully and joyfully. The process may be painful and difficult; but the result is the ability to love and be loved.

Abstinence Only? Does it Really Work?

Christ Pro Erotic — Sun, 16 Mar 2008 14:45:55 +0000

Shelby Knox is one of my biggest heroes!

Who is she? She was a Lubbock, Texas high school student (she’s now in college as of this writing), a church attendee, and comes from a conservative home. Knox was also the subject of the PBS series “P.O.V.” called “The Education of Shelby Knox” where she is the focus of her four years in high school and her fight to bring comprehensive sexual education to her school. Why would someone like her be leading a fight like this?

The Prophet

Like any good “prophet” she saw her people—classmates—suffering form increasing teen pregnancy in her school and others in Lubbock and the spread of STDs. She challenged the Lubbock School Board several times but to no avail; in her journey she realizes places like Lubbock and other areas in the country need to give teens the tools needed to help them to make informed choices when being intimate with another person.

Knox is one of my heroes because she was willing to step outside of her comfort zone and ask the tough questions needed to be asked. Her example helps me to write what I write and ask those tough questions the church and Christians are afraid to ask. I also share her passion over ending the abstinence only teaching in most country and start teaching a through sexual education program around the country and the world.

Choose abstinence for the right reasons

Don’t get me wrong; abstinence is not a bad thing to decide to do for your sexual health. I remember taking my human sexuality course and the instructor taking a sheet of paper and drew a line through the page.

On one side, the risk of being abstinence, the other side, the risk of being sexually active was on the other side of the sheet. While the risk on the sexually active is evident—STD, pregnancy, emotional issues, etc.—those who stay abstinent avoided any of those possible pitfalls. Now proponents supporting the latter view will smile, give high fives, and point at me saying, “see, I told you so!”

Real world issues

However, lets look at the real world shall we? We are human beings, but we are many different parts that make us who we are. We are spiritual beings with the need to be connected with the divine. We are social beings with the need to connect with other people around us. We are sexual beings because, I believe, God made us with the great power to enjoy our sexuality and create life.

With such a great power and responsibility, shouldn’t the final say of how it is used be left to us? The Spiderman geek in me harkens to the mantra created by Stan Lee:“With great power comes great responsibility.”

Give them some credit

I think the main reason why we see such a push for the abstinence only program is they—religious leaders, politicians and moralist– don’t think young people and adults don’t have what it takes to handle the great gift of sexuality with care. Funny.

We trust them to make a decision to give their life for their country, take a drink at a bar, vote, and drive a vehicle. God forbid if they are given the right keys to take control of their own body and to make choices concerning their sexual lives.

The Christian community has done everything from pushing school boards to teaching their view about sexuality to our kids to forcing state and federal governments to spend billions of dollars to quell the rampant sexual drive. Truth is, it doesn’t work.

The better alternative

What a waste to spend all the money, time, and sermons to scare the devil out of kids touching themselves (or each other) when you can save money and talk about ways to treat your potential interest with concern and care.

What a waste of time to avoid people even seeing a condom—let alone knowing what to do with one when you open the foil—when you can show the guys how to put the darn thing on and the benefits of preventing pregnancy and the risk of contacting an STD.

Why abstinence only isn’t working

One fact stuck out to me was how after years of declining rates in teen birth rates in 2007 saw a jump:

The difference between these two approaches, and their impact on teen behavior, remains a controversial subject in the U.S. Teenage birth rates had been dropping in the U.S. since 1991, but a 2007 report showed 3% increase from 2005 to 2006. –CDC National Center for Health Statistics Dec. 12, 2007.

This despite efforts by leaders to show this line of defense alone will curb the tide. Some figures show in some places around the country there was little to no signs of real change. But the hidden toll is the silence from those who either have taken these courses at school or took some sort of pledge of abstaining from sex in their churches (i.e. “The Silver Ring Thingy”).

For the few who succeed in achieving their goal of being “pure” those who are active sexually must feel like failures not just to themselves but to God. Is this what we want to produce in our children?

Not everyone can live up to the ideals of Paul the apostle or the ideas of many in our society so wouldn’t it make sense to give people tools to help them better address the problems young people face than to go into a relationship with a wing and a prayer?

My advice is to take the money making sex a foe and make it a friend and ally. Install respect for this great power, prepare for our young people the possible, and hope the things we teach them will help them make better decisions in the bedroom.

How To Be A Good, Responsible Dad And Still Have Great Sex With Your Wife

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 16:02:59 +0000

Can you really be a good husband AND a great lover?

Remember that she was your wife before she was ‘mom’.

Married couples and especially new parents often forget this very important fact. You were couple before you were parents.

Your biggest responsibility as parents is to love your children and provide a stable home.

You can’t do that if you’re divorced.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My wife and I have been married for 7 years, we have a four year old son and 2 year old twins.

Money is kind of an issue, due to the fact that we are a single income family and I work nights.

How can I be romantic and achieve a romantic sex life, but not neglect our kids and responsibilities as parents? Thanks Greatly.

– Steven, Missouri

Make Time For Your Relationship First

I know you’re exhausted. I know you’re tired. You’ve had a really long day.

But it’s critical to your relationship whether it’s two weeks older 20 years old, to make time for one another and to nurture your relationship. Schedule some time to just be together, whether its first thing in the morning, a nice lunch, or some quite couple time before you drift off to sleep, couple time is very important.

It doesn’t make you bad parents if you get a babysitter once a week so that you and your partner can go out on a nice, intimate, romantic date. As a matter of fact, it may even make you better parents. Parents who actually stay together. Parents who are able to give fully to their children because they feel nurtured and loved as an individual.

Teach your children now what it means to be a well balanced individual. Don’t let them grow up thinking that they have to sacrifice everything to become parents. Just because that’s what your parents may have done, does not mean that’s what you have to do.

Also, don’t forget why you became a couple in the first place.

Remember the things that you used to say to one another and the things you used to do for one another when you first started dating…

Now start doing them again!

Remind Her How Sexy She Is To You

It’s really easy for a “mom” to start thinking of herself only as a mom and to forget that deep down in there somewhere is the sexy vicious woman that she used to be. It’s very important for a man to lead his woman note that he still thinks she’s sexy and that he still thinks of her as a wife and not just a mom.

Little things go a long way with women. Flirt with her. Let her know that you still think she’s attractive. Ask her out on a date – one that you planned to surprise her.

Don’t take your time together for granted. Treat every day with your wife as if it were the last day on earth. All we very have in life is this moment so live in the present. Not yesterday – it’s already gone. Not tomorrow – it may never come. Be the best partner and parent that you can possibly be – today.

Our best advice for a long term, successful relationship is to live it one day at a time. If you can say before you go to bed each night ”I want to see you again tomorrow”, then you’re well on your way to a life long relationship.

How Your Actions Outside The Bedroom Can Make or Break Your Sex Life

Melody Brooke — Sat, 26 Jan 2008 14:53:05 +0000

I have a little experience with bad sex. I’ve been married three times. This last one took. To tell you the truth my first two husbands would say my current husband was lying if he told them how often and how amazing our sex life is.

Honestly, I have been one of those fortunate women who have always enjoyed good sex. That doesn’t mean I have always said “Yes!” to it when my first husbands wanted me to do so.

Sex happens, not so much in our bodies, as in our minds. Before we can find someone sexy there are a number of things that have to happen in our brain. First of all, the prospect has to fit the patterns our unconscious set into place before we were six years old. Those patterns are based on our experiences as a young person with our caregivers. For some of us, that is a good thing and we meet up with really wonderful partners.

But for most of us this unconscious pattern locked into our brain is not necessarily in our best interest in the long run.

How It Works

My first husband was really smart, something I consciously found very appealing. But he also had some wounds of his own that resulted in his attempting to overpower me with his yelling and demands. This, it turns out (after much therapy), is how my grandmother acted toward most everyone in her household. I happened to be in her household much of my life prior to the age of six. Yelling and demanding behavior have an unwanted side effect on a persons sex life. It didn’t take long for this behavior to become a major turn off for me.

What transpired is that my survival instincts kicked in (this is a brain function, by the way) and I would freeze up in his presence after a while. My whole body went into shut down and the last thing I wanted was to jump into the sack with him. My brain made the decision for me.

My second husband appealed to me consciously because he was handsome and an entrepreneur like my Dad. The unconscious appeal turned out to be that, because of his wounds, he would totally neglect me and ignore my needs the way my father did. My resentment built up over time and there is no way I would choose to have sex him. My brain kicked into survival with him simply because it seemed to me that he was not someone safe in that he did not have my best interests at heart: only his.

It’s All in Your Head

Our brains dictate our behavior much more than we consciously realize. We can feel an unconscious pull toward someone and think this means we want to be sexual with them; this is why we will be so attracted to “bad girls” or “bad boys”. They appeal to the part of us that was hurt and neglected as a kid and it matches up like a lock and key with our unconscious memories of before we were six. We are wired to want the kind of relationship we had with our caregivers. I don’t know about you, but this was not a good thing for me!

So what if you find yourself already hooked up with someone whom your brain is now telling you to retreat from rather than gravitate toward sex with? Well, you have to make some choices with the more rational part of your brain. Is this someone with whom you want to make a life with? If so then you have to figure out how to change the dynamic that is making you not want to have sex with them.

Talk, talk, talk

First of all you need to open a discussion with this person about the things making you feel threatened or shut down. This, of course, is not an easy discussion to have with them because they will immediately feel threatened just by bringing up the idea of your having a problem with them.

So, you have to start with telling them how much you love them and want to work things out. Secondly, begin to talk about your feelings as being about you and your history, not about them being “bad” or “wrong” for behaving the way they do. After all, they act the way they do because of their history and family culture.

When you can open a discussion about how their behavior outside the bedroom is affecting your desire for good sex, then there is hope for things to change. Most of the time, if you want more sex, chances are, they do, too.

If your partner doesn’t want more sex, then you can be certain there is something in your behavior that has triggered an unwanted fear or shutting down response from them. The solution to the problem is to talk about what it is your partner needs to feel safe with you again. Find out what you are doing and see if it is something you can consciously choose to change. Get help and support if you need to, to change those behaviors. A relationship coach or therapist could be the key.

To learn more about Melody Brooke, visit OhWowThisChangesEverything.com.

Do You Know The Hidden Dangers of Anal Sex?

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 08 Jan 2008 15:00:02 +0000

Anal sex… Some people love it. Some people are disgusted by the mere mention of it.

So is it really a special treat, or a very dangerous game that should be avoided at all costs?

The answer depends on who you ask and what their sexual preferences are. It’s not your place to judge another person nor is it another person’s right to judge your sexual preferences.

Here’s a question from a couple who watched an episode of “Talk Sex” with Sue Johanson. They’re wondering if we agree with her take on anal sex.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I watched your videos on YouTube and I wanted to explore a bit more one subject. My girlfriend and I have had anal sex several times, but she recently saw a episode of Talk Sex with Sue Johanson. In this episode she mentioned of all the bad things that can happen if one is to have anal sex.

Our question is the following: Will having anal sex about once, twice or even 3 times a month, with lube and no pain still lead to these problems? Is it eminent like cigarettes give you breathing problems? or possible like walking and twisting an ankle? Thanks, keep up the good work!

– Domenic, California

Is Having Anal Sex Dangerous?

Like all things, there are risks associated with having anal sex that must be considered and weighed against the pleasure and intimacy that many couples experience while engaging in this type of sex play.

Sue Johanson has written a really great article on the things to watch out for if you are going to have anal sex.

Check out her full article here.

In her article, Sue mentions many problems that could possible occur during anal sex.

Possible Complications Caused By Having Anal Sex

First, understand your anatomy. At the lower end of the bowel, there are two distinct circular bands of muscles called sphincters, one is located about an 1 ½ inches above the other. These clamp down tight to prevent the passage of feces or gas.

The mucous membrane which lines the rectum is not as heavy as the lining of the vagina, so it can tear quite easily, and it does not heal as quickly as the inner walls of the vagina. Because feces, loaded with bacteria, pass through the rectum any tears in the mucous membrane are vulnerable to infection.

The vigorous thrusting that may occur during anal intercourse can tear the mucous membrane.

What Can Happen If The Membrane Tears?

Tears in the mucous membrane of the rectum can develop into anal abscesses that can become infected.

Also, if your partner has any sexually transmitted infections (STI’s), then you could get infected through these tears.

Examples of sexually transmitted infections are: gonorrhea (treatable); venereal warts (treatable if external, difficult if up in the rectum); syphilis (treatable); herpes (treatment, no cure); yeast infection (treatable); and HIV and AIDS (treatment but no cure).

You do not want any of these STI’s.

Should You Have Anal Sex Anyway?

Well, according to Sue, the best prevention is to not go there at all!

But if you do decide to try anal sex, she suggests that both you and your partner talk about it and agree on the following points. And we absolutely agree with everything she says in this list.

Your partner must be very, very gentle, absolutely no forced penetration and no vigorous thrusting.
You must use lots and lots of good lubrication, (anal lube, not saliva).
Your partner must use a condom…all the time, every time.
Your partner must respect “stop”. If you say ouch, or it hurts, or No or quit… they must stop immediately.
It must be understood, if you do not want to have anal sex again, there will be no pressure, no threats and no pleading. NO means NO.
Use a well-lubricated condom without spermicide, either on the sex toy or his penis. Spermicide can irritate the rectum.
Never shift from anal sex back to vaginal sex without changing condoms. Feces can end up in the vagina and cause infections. And please wash your hands with soap and water after handling the dirty condom or you could still spread infectious material.

Just How Risky Is It?

The problems that Sue mentions in her article are definitely possible, but not necessarily probable…

Like smoking, the risks are lower if you do it less often.

Chances are you’re not going to get lung cancer from smoking one pack of cigarettes. And as long as you’re careful when having anal sex, the chances of running into the problems that Sue mentions in her article are greatly reduced if you do it very carefully and only occasionally.

Keep in mind that the rectum is designed as an “out hole” – not an “in hole”. Our advice is that if you are going to have anal sex, be very gentle and take it very slowly, use lots and lots of good quality lubrication, and save it as the occasional treat.

Don’t make it a regular activity that you do every day. Save it for special occasions.

Is It OK For Me To Talk My Partner Into Trying Anal Sex?

Like Sue, we get lots of questions from men wondering how they can “talk their girlfriend into having anal sex“. She adamantly says that you should never try to convince your partner to have anal sex.

We think it could go either way. We all use the art of gentle persuasion a hundred times a day to convince our kids to clean their rooms, to convince our husband to take out the trash, to talk ourselves into going to the gym when we don’t always feel like it.

Persuasion is not always a bad thing. Sometimes we need a little encouragement to move past our fears and overcome our shyness.

We do, however, want to stress that no one should ever be forced or pressured into doing any sexual act that they’re not 100% comfortable with and willing to do.

Do not confuse gentle persuasion with force and coercion!

Talk to your partner, and figure out works well for both of you. Sex should be enjoyable for both parties involved – anal or otherwise.

He Knows I’m Faking It! What Should I Do?

Rose Rivera — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 17:27:04 +0000

Although we, as women, like to think of ourselves as Oscar winning actresses in the bedroom, the truth is we’re not!

And the number of sexually knowledgeable men out there is growing. They’re educated, well-read, and many have gained the amazing ability to spot our fake orgasmic performances every time.

(Un)fortunately for them, they’re usually good, caring men who pretend to believe our exaggerated moans in order to spare us the embarrassment of being caught in such a classic lie. The real problem then becomes how to tell us they know without hurting our feelings. Obviously this is an emotionally complicated conversation to bring up.

Just think about it. If he approaches the issue directly, you’ll probably react defensively and deny your pretended “O’s.“ If he approaches it indirectly, hoping you’ll confess, you’ll probably turn the conversation to something else rather than justify his obvious suspicions.

So if you believe your lover already knows you fake “it” and is not broaching the subject out of politeness, then the best thing you can do for your relationship is to make the first move toward clearing up the harmful unspoken questions he’s probably asking himself over and over again.

Questions such as, why are you faking it? Don’t you enjoy your sex together? Is there a physical problem he doesn’t know about? Have you ever had a real orgasm? What should he be doing differently to please you? Is the problem emotional? Should he be worried?

First, Understand Why You Do It

Sometimes women feel compelled to fake orgasms because it seems like the “right thing to do” in the moment without consciously understanding why. If you’re one of these women and you’re not exactly sure why you pretend to orgasm during sex, then this step should be an eye-opening part of the process.

Often the reasons are hidden in cultural expectations of what sex “should” be (ie – both people should orgasm at approximately the same time, sex is not fulfilling without an orgasm, if she doesn‘t orgasm it means she is not enjoying the sex, etc.), other times the reasons are more personal and related to the relationship dynamic itself.

Most Common Reasons Why Women Fake Orgasms

She believes other women orgasm during penetrative sex and doesn’t want to show her “inadequacy” of not being able to orgasm this way to her lover.
She is too shy to do what she knows will work in front of her lover (such as manual stimulation to her clitoris).
She believes her own orgasm will “take too long” in comparison to the amount of time it takes her lover to orgasm, so she fakes one at the appropriate time instead.
If she doesn’t orgasm she’s afraid her lover will take it personally and be offended.

Less Common Reasons Why Women Fake Orgasms

She’s never had an orgasm, even during masturbation, so she doesn’t understand what her body needs to achieve one.
She has a medical condition or is taking a medication that interferes with her ability to orgasm, but doesn‘t want to tell her lover about it or make a “big deal.”
She really does not enjoy sex with her lover (though this is rarely the case!).

Now That YOU Know Why You Do It, Tell Him

You’re pretty sure he already knows, so this part should go smoothly. Remember the point of this conversation is to be honest about your reasons for faking your orgasms, and to assuage his worst fears about your sex life. In all likelihood you are enjoying your sexual experiences with him, with or without an orgasm, so be sure to make a point of saying that right in the beginning.

Tell him about your embarrassments or your shyness to do certain things. Reassure him that you weren’t deliberately trying to make him feel uncertain about the quality of your sex life together. Once you’ve made your confession, both of you should feel very relieved that this collection of little lies is finally out in the open.

Moving Forward – No More Faking!

Although both of you should now understand why you’re not having real orgasms, the next step isn’t necessarily to begin a full-throttled crusade toward the big “O”. Instead, take a moment to assess any underlying issues that may need clarification, such as emotional trust and intimacy.

For example, why do you feel uncomfortable pleasuring yourself in front of him? Is having an orgasm honestly an important part of the sexual experience for you, or are you just as content not having one? It’s very common for women to report experiencing truly satisfying sex without having orgasms at all, but many of those same women feel pressured by societal expectations to have orgasms anyway (hence the prevalence of faking).

Because of this you and your lover should only begin to “fix” the “problem” if you believe sex would be more fulfilling for you with real orgasms. Otherwise it’s perfectly acceptable for you to continue having sex without them – As long as you don’t feel pressured by your lover or your culture, to fake them again!

How Long Can You Go Without Sex?

Rose Rivera — Thu, 01 Nov 2007 14:02:19 +0000

Although you’re probably familiar with the terms “sex drive” and “libido,” how much about your own sexual clock do you understand?

For example, can you list your sexual “need” signs?

How long can you go without sex before it starts to negatively affect you?

Are your needs generally assuaged by “affection” or does it take full intercourse to make you feel satisfied?

Because most people never ask themselves these questions, relationship problems often occur due to misunderstandings regarding the differing sexual needs of the partners. One of the best ways to preempt these common predicaments is to know the sexual needs of your own body and to be able to communicate those needs to your partner in a non-threatening manner.

Why is Sex a “Need”?

The same way your body sends out signals to let you know when you’re hungry or thirsty, it also sends out signals to notify you when it’s time to have sex – or to engage in some kind of physically intimate contact with another human being. These needs have two biologically-based reasons to exist, though both reasons are heavily debated within the scientific community.

The first reason is, of course, reproduction. We have a sex drive so that “mating” happens relatively frequently and we can continue the species.

The second reason is a little more complex and has to do with our survival-of-the-fittest need to live in social groups and act cooperatively.

As the theory goes, we are too physically weak as individuals to protect ourselves from the dangers of our environment, and have survived mainly because we stick together. It’s the “united we stand, divided we fall” philosophy of biological survival. One of the ways to promote this kind of banding together is by making the act of socializing with other members of our species an enjoyable and rewarding experience. In monkeys this is reflected in the importance of social grooming, and in the case of bonobo monkeys, sex.

Now I’m not saying you’re a monkey, but I am saying that like monkeys, humans have an innate desire to physically connect with others of our kind because it has helped us to survive as a species. That’s one of the main reasons we long to be with others – to hold and to be held, to kiss and to be kissed. Rather than just superfluous “wants” these are, in fact, “needs” and should be given the attention they deserve. After all, you eat when you’re really really hungry don’t you?

What are Your Sexual “Need” Signs?

It’s very easy to overlook your body’s sexual needs signs since they are often signs of other problems too. The best way to pinpoint which symptoms are yours is to see which ones seem to go away for a while after you’ve had a satisfying sexual experience – and remember, this kind of experience does not always have to include someone else. (Yes,we can fool our biological needs to a certain extent)!

Some of the Most Common Signs of Sexual Need are:

General and Mounting Irritability
Overall Feeling of Frustration without Knowing the Cause
Feeling Stressed for “no reason”
Excessive/Lack of Hunger or Sleep
Anger and/or Other Unexplainable Negative Emotions Toward Your Partner
Vivid Sexual Dreams that May Lead to Nocturnal Orgasms (Wet Dreams) for both Men AND Women

Basically lack of sex makes people feel disgruntled, to sum it up. Some people even claim that their skin itches, or their everyday thoughts are unusually pervaded by sexual fantasies. What ever your particular signs are, knowing them and recognizing them when they are occurring can be very relieving in and of itself. At least now you’ll be able to know why your body feels so tense!

How Long Can You Go Without Sex Before it Starts to Negatively Affect You?

Once you understand your body’s “I need sex!” signs, the next thing to make a note of is how long between sexual encounters it takes for you to start feeling icky again. For some people, it’s a day. For others, it’s every two months.The amount of time varies greatly from one person to the next, and changes frequently depending upon lifestyle factors (pregnancy,menopause, etc.), relationship status (new relationships tend to increase libidos), and health status.

It’s this internal sex timer that tends to cause the most problems for couples in long term relationships because one person “needs” sex much more frequently than the other. Often the partner with the shorter sex timer gets rejected again and again which leads to feelings of being unloved, unwanted, and eventually resentment toward their partner. Such issues can be avoided and successfully compromised upon when both partners understand the differences in their underlying sex drives. But in order for this to happen, each partner has to first understand his/her own sexual signs and needs.

What Does it Take to Satisfy Your Needs?

The last thing you must consider is what kinds of sexual contacts satisfy your needs. Again, this tends to differ greatly between partners, and especially between men and women. For a lot of women affectionate touches are enough to assuage their sexual desires. Kissing, petting, and manual stimulation are all that may be necessary to make her feel happy again. However, some women don’t feel truly satisfied until they’ve experienced multiple “O”s, so it really depends on the individual.

Men, on the other hand, are usually more “straight forward” in their needs – an orgasm will typically do the trick regardless of how it happens. This is, of course, a huge generalization and some men do feel satisfied with less-than-orgasmic sexual experiences.

Know Your Own Needs First

Once you’ve figured out what your sexual need signs are, how frequently your body requests sexual contact, and what it takes to satisfy those needs, you are well on your way to being able to talk honestly with your partner about what you expect from your sexual relationship. If you’re lucky enough to be with someone who also knows what their particular needs are, then the possibility of you enjoying a sexually fulfilling, long-term relationship increases dramatically!

Danger! Is Too Much Sex With Your Wife Bad for Your Health?

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 17 Sep 2007 16:24:32 +0000

Having hot, passionate sex with someone you love is a wonderful experience, certainly more fulfilling than sex with someone you barely know.

And having lots of sex and erotic adventures with your partner is usually a really good thing. But how much is too much?

Here’s a question from a man in India, who’s happy to be having a lot of sex with his own wife. But he’s worried what might happen if they have TOO MUCH sex!

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

How much sex can I have in a month with my wife? If I have more, will it be bad for my health?

– Sorri, India

Is Too Much Sex Bad for Your Health?

The biggest question is – what do YOU consider to be “too much” sex? Some people can’t conceive of having too much sex, and many people (men especially) tend to always be looking for ways to have more of it.

Aside from sheer exhaustion and maybe the occasional soreness, we’ve never heard of any real problems resulting from too much sex.

Sexual Health Warning!

Just like starting any other vigorous exercise program, you should always consult your physician first. And if you feel any pain or discomfort, stop all “exercise” immediately and consult your physician!

Wait. Can More Sex Actually Be GOOD for You?

A great article from Forbes points out some amazing benefits of actually having frequent sex, and enjoying it!

Improved sense of smell: After sex, production of the hormone prolactin surges. This in turn causes stem cells in the brain to develop new neurons in the brain’s olfactory bulb, its smell center.
Reduced risk of heart disease: In a 2001 study, researchers found that by having sex three or more times a week, men reduced their risk of heart attack or stroke by half.
Weight loss, overall fitness: Sex, if nothing else, is exercise. A vigorous bout burns some 200 calories–about the same as running 15 minutes on a treadmill or playing a spirited game of squash. The pulse rate, in a person aroused, rises from about 70 beats per minute to 150, the same as that of an athlete putting forth maximum effort. British researchers have determined that the equivalent of six Big Macs can be worked off by having sex three times a week for a year. Muscular contractions during intercourse work the pelvis, thighs, buttocks, arms, neck and thorax. Sex also boosts production of testosterone, which leads to stronger bones and muscles. Men’s Health magazine has gone so far as to call the bed the single greatest piece of exercise equipment ever invented.
Reduced depression: Such was the implication of a 2002 study of 293 women. American psychologist Gordon Gallup reported that sexually active participants whose male partners did not use condoms were less subject to depression than those whose partners did. One theory of causality: Prostoglandin, a hormone found only in semen, may be absorbed in the female genital tract, thus modulating female hormones.
Pain-relief: Immediately before orgasm, levels of the hormone oxytocin surge to five times their normal level. This in turn releases endorphins, which alleviate the pain of everything from headache to arthritis to even migraine. In women, sex also prompts production of estrogen, which can reduce the pain of PMS.
Less-frequent colds and flu: Wilkes University in Pennsylvania says individuals who have sex once or twice a week show 30% higher levels of an antibody called immunoglobulin A, which is known to boost the immune system.
Better bladder control: Heard of Kegel exercises? You do them, whether you know it or not, every time you stem your flow of urine. The same set of muscles is worked during sex.
Better teeth: Seminal plasma contains zinc, calcium and other minerals shown to retard tooth decay. Since this is a family Web site, we will omit discussion of the mineral delivery system. Suffice it to say that it could be a far richer, more complex and more satisfying experience than squeezing a tube of Crest–even Tartar Control Crest.
A happier prostate? Some urologists believe they see a relationship between infrequency of ejaculation and cancer of the prostate. The causal argument goes like this: To produce seminal fluid, the prostate and the seminal vesicles take such substances from the blood as zinc, citric acid and potassium, then concentrate them up to 600 times. Any carcinogens present in the blood likewise would be concentrated. Rather than have concentrated carcinogens hanging around causing trouble, it’s better to evict them. Regular old sex could do the job. But if the flushing of the prostate were your only objective, masturbation might be a better way to go, especially for the non-monogamous male. Having sex with multiple partners can, all by itself, raise a man’s risk of cancer by up to 40%. That’s because he runs an increased risk of contracting sexual infections. So, if you want the all the purported benefits of flushing with none of the attendant risk, go digital. A study recently published by the British Journal of Urology International asserts that men in their 20s can reduce by a third their chance of getting prostate cancer by ejaculating more than five times a week.

OK, so how about getting a firm grip on your health? Find someone who likes to play the way you do and have fun – lots of it!

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