Ask Dan and Jennifer » sexual pleasure

The Problem With Pleasure

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 00:00:24 +0000

The problem with pleasure is nothing…except the interpretation we bring to it. Sometimes I think the only other topic with more confusion around it is that of money (i.e. the misreading of scripture that “money is the root of all evil”). From a similar, puritanical place we are taught that pleasure is synonymous with selfishness. That it degrades the spirit. That giving pleasure is better than receiving it. That we shouldn’t have too much fun because then something bad will happen.

Different Kinds Of Pleasure

There are aphorisms and superstitions around the topic of pleasure that do not serve anyone. Truth told: pleasure should be the predominant experience of a person’s life with pain being the exception. Of course, here at AskDanandJennifer.com, the kind of pleasure that first comes to mind is sexual pleasure. But pleasure is something that should be a part of most of our pursuits in life. In your job, career, volunteer work, hobbies, friendships, family, shopping, religious or spiritual expression, there should always be a pay off for giving your time, attention, and talents to these pursuits. And the pay offs should provide genuine pleasure.

For instance, some people choose careers in order to please their parents. To make a different choice, even if it brought personal satisfaction and pleasure, would produce too much guilt. There’s a negative pay off to pursuing the career or job that makes the parents happy and that is you get to feel loyal. But that loyalty can lead to dissatisfaction, resentment, and deep unhappiness. Whereas, suffering a little guilt and pursuing your dreams can produce satisfaction, joy, and tremendous happiness!

Over-Pleasing

Some people are the sounding boards for practically every single person in their lives. They wind up giving and giving and giving until it hurts! They give their time, attention, even their money, to make sure that the people in their lives know they are loved and valued. The problem is these folks don’t get this kind of love and attention returned to them. They are so easy to get along with and so pleasing, that everyone who uses them thinks they’re fine, that they have it all together, and that they don’t anything from anybody.

There is initial pleasure for the giver in such relationships because it does feel good to be so well appreciated. However, the day comes when most conversations with your friends and colleagues make you feel like a used, dirty rag. Real pleasure comes from relationships that have healthy give and take from both sides. Everyone needs to receive regular attention and nurturing support. Some give of themselves sexually in such a way as to please their partner for fear that attending to their own pleasure will have bad results. They fear coming across as too self-centered. Truthfully, there is no greater pleasure than knowing your lover totally trusts you with his or her sexual pleasure. It is a huge complement when your partner melts at your touch, or over the way your breath feels on the back of her neck, or through the direct eye contact he gives you that lets you know you’ve found the exact right spot.

Sexual Pleasure

If your romantic partner refuses to find pleasure in your sensuality and makes you feel wrong in any way for desiring sexual pleasure or sensual attention; it takes a lot of courage to confront the situation inside yourself, in the first place, and with him or her as well. Our bodies, minds, and souls were built to receive pleasure. If you deny yourself this natural, human expression, you’ll pay dearly with resentment, anger, even depression. Allowing someone to determine that you are bad or wrong for desiring pleasure is the same thing as denying yourself.

Having trouble with pleasure is built in to a variety of cultures around the world. However, there is a simple and effective way that will allow you to open up to receive more pleasure in your life. It does take courage and some effort, but it’s worth it. All you have to do is commit to loving yourself more each day. People who love themselves allow greater amounts of pleasure into their lives. If they are alone, they take care of their own needs and desires. If they are in a relationship, they learn how to effectively ask for what they want. Because they appreciate themselves and their own pleasure so much, they have a whole lot of love and pleasuring to give as well. A circle of energy is created in their lives with plenty of give and take in most of their relationships.

Pleasing Yourself

With a commitment to love yourself more each day, you find yourself doing and saying things to you that you would give to someone you highly value. You say, “I love you!” to yourself. You give yourself good strokes for things well done. You dress in such a way that you enhance your good feelings towards yourself. You are patient with yourself and yet you challenge you to be better, strive farther, and accomplish more because you value your potential! These kinds of things will give you pleasure. As your self-worth and pleasure increase, you will attract those who desire to give you pleasure as well. And then life will be fuller, richer, and sweeter – with the hard times handled with more grace and confidence.

eXtreme Sex Ed: I Feel Like I Have To Pee During Oral Sex! (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 11:19:57 +0000

Feeling like you have to urinate during oral sex, or any other type of sexual activity, can be quite unnerving the first time it happens. If it happens often, you might become even more confused or be tempted to avoid oral sex all together.

Is it normal to feel like you have to urinate during oral sex or other sexual activity? What can you do about it so you can enjoy your partner?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’m relatively new at this whole sex thing. I grew up a pastor’s kid…. Anyways, I’m married now, and there are problems. I’ve got tons of questions but no one to ask. Questions that can’t be answered by books. Is it normal to feel like peeing when a person does oral on you? I kind of squirm, cause it feels like I want to pee, and I would be mortified if that happened. So I avoid it all together, which is a shame cause I’d like to know how it truly feels…

–Scarlett, NJ

Wait! Give this Video 5 Stars and Subscribe Today so you don’t miss a single video.

The Whole Package

Your genitals actually come in a whole package. The muscles, nerve endings and organs all work together to help you to urinate, achieve orgasm and have sexual intercourse or other sexual activity.

Some of the muscles and nerve endings do two different things. The same muscles that contract while you urinate are also the same muscles that spasm during orgasm.

It’s only natural to consider that sometimes your body might get a little confused. You’re experiencing sexual pleasure and the muscles that are getting ready to spasm during an orgasm might actually make you feel like you have to urinate instead. This is totally normal and it actually happens to both women and men.

Although it’s perfectly normal to feel like you have to urinate during oral sex or other sexual activity, that doesn’t make it any less frustrating or confusing when it happens.

Prevention is Key

If you feel like you have to urinate during oral sex, does that mean you actually do have to urinate? Probably not, but it is certainly possible. If you find yourself feeling like you have to urinate during sexual pleasure, try to preempt yourself by using the restroom before you and your partner get busy.

This can help reduce or eliminate the feeling of having to urinate once you and your partner start pleasuring each other. If you feel the need to urinate during oral sex, feel free to stop your partner and let them know that you need to use the restroom.

You can incorporate it into your sex play by suggesting a hop in the shower with a nice soapy massage or you can just do your business and continue afterwards. It’s up to you based on how comfortable you feel with your partner at the time.

If It Happens

…

Erotic Massage: How Erotic Touch Can Turn Up the Heat in Your Bedroom

Maya Silverman — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 14:36:11 +0000

It’s no secret that when it comes to turning up some serious heat in the bedroom, nothing is more effective, or pleasurable, than erotic touching.

After all, the right touch or caress can arouse both you and your partner for some exciting foreplay, bring you to the brink of nirvana over and over again and even rev you up for a second bed-shattering round.

It seems like there’s nothing that erotic touching can’t do for a healthy sexual relationship!

The Benefits of Erotic Touch

Yet the blissful benefits of erotic touch doesn’t have to be limited to your between-the-sheets playtime; in fact, erotic touch can do wonders for your relationship outside of the bedroom – and even boost your mental, physical and emotional health!

Here’s the latest scoop on how erotic touch can be used to boost your individual health and well-being and max out your pleasure!

Hardwired to be Touched

Humans are hardwired to be touched. Even during our modern age of hectic schedules and impossibly long work hours, there’s nothing more satisfying or soothing than the caress of a lover at the end of a busy day.

Even platonic touching can go a long way towards boosting our moods; remember all those times when a comforting hug or a reassuring pat from a friend made you feel a million times better than before? Well, there’s a biological reason for that response.

Long before humans developed language we relied on touch in order to communicate or express feelings of joy, sorrow, pain or love. Touching is an ingrained part of how we socialize with others. In fact, scientific studies have shown that the more healthy touching that an adolescent or child is exposed to, the more likely he or she will develop into a well-rounded adult.

Touching also plays a vital role in our emotional development as well and not just when we’re children. Studies have shown that adults who are regularly exposed to touch, say the comforting hug of a friend or the soothing caress of a lover, often report themselves as being happier and more content than those people who are touched less.

So it’s easy to see how touching can not only spice up your sex life, it can also emotionally heal you and your partner as well.

So if you’re wondering how you can incorporate more of the blissful benefits of sensual touch into your relationship, here’s the scoop on how to soothe and emotionally heal your partner though erotic massage and bring him or her to the brink of pleasure again and again!

Incorporate Sensual Touch Into Your Relationship

…