How To Manage Money Issues in a Loving Relationship

Laurie Weiss — Sat, 08 Nov 2008 15:30:20 +0000

When "money" is a couple’s issue, is there any way to get past it and still have a loving and supportive relationship, especially if every other aspect of the relationship is strong and loving other than the ways of looking at money (particularly in tough times)?

This money question from Jenny describes a problem many couples face. Money issues can be especially intense because money discussions are usually about much more than just money.

When Money Becomes an Issue

In tough times the money issue comes up because it represents a very basic need—security. When you feel threatened your normal rational way of functioning often becomes very primitive.

Your basic emotional instincts take over without their normal restraint. Therefore, the number one rule is to NOT discuss money when you are scared about not getting what you need. It’s very hard to be rational when you’re afraid and you can’t solve anything when you feel that way.

What You Can Do Differently

A couple of things you can do differently is to have some money talks when you’re feeling calm and connected. You can try these questions to stimulate a different kind of conversation. They’re based on Transactional Analysis (TA), a system for understanding, predicting and changing behavior that was developed in the 60’s.

TA explains that you act in at least 3 distinctly different ways. One, your Child Ego State is emotional. Another, your Parent Ego State is driven by and expresses rules you believe are necessary and important. The third, your Adult Ego State operates rationally and makes assessments and predictions based on information.

In computer terms, you can open any of three different programs and use them to address the problem. Some programs provide answers that are more practical than others, but each program gives you a “correct” answer based on it’s own system.

Questions to Ask

These questions are designed to discover the answers those six different programs the two of you are coming up with about money issues. Once you can see how complex this information really is, you can begin to sort it out instead of just arguing about it.

How would each of your parents tell you to solve the problem? Include step-parents or any other important parent figure as well. (Parent rules)

What would each of your parents do (have done) if they needed to solve this problem themselves? (Parent models that may become rules for you)

What would you do if you could do exactly what you want to do and nobody was watching and you didn’t have to answer to anybody about what you did? (Your own Child)

What are your resources and what are your options? You have this information when you stop to think about it. (Your Adult)

What’s Next?

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The Brain/Credit Card Connection and Your Relationship

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 16:33:10 +0000

You are likely carrying around an emotional connection, and therefore, baggage, you didn’t even know you had. It’s a connection between your brain and your credit card debt; between your thoughts and feelings and why and how you spend money. It helps explain your views on money and debt and why you react to these things in certain ways.

Knowing about these connections and your money patterns won’t excuse you from financial problems you might face, but you can help nip these problems, and any repercussions they might have, in the bud.

I call these brain/money connections the Biochemical Craving for Connection.” It starts when stress causes thrill-seeking behavior. The stress can be linked as far back as childhood but can also be due to recent pain or emotional distress.

The thrill-seeking behavior can be in the form of financial or sexual conquests and infidelities.

You’re looking for ways to self-medicate and to help calm stress levels down. At the same time, these indiscretions give you another kind of high and the cycle starts: Give into sexual or financial pressure to help relieve stress, feel a “high” for a moment, then return to stressful feelings about the situation. Eventually, the only thing that can help your problem is the problem itself!

Areas in the Brain That Communicate With Each Other

There are several areas in the brain that communicate with each other to influence emotion. When it comes to dealing with extreme behaviors such as addiction, infidelity and poor decision making, these areas may be involved:

*The limbic system is made up of several structures that work together to control emotion, hormonal secretions, moods and pain/pleasure reflexes.

*The hippocampus is a structure within the limbic system and plays a role in emotion. If this area is damaged, it can reduce your ability to distinguish safe and dangerous situation, leading you to seek out situations that may FEEL safe, but in reality, aren’t. Things like sexual affairs or financial infidelity.

*The ventral striatum and the nucleus accumbens help process satisfaction and happiness. These areas are also associated with assessing risk reward and gratification. When these areas aren’t functioning properly, people may get involved with addictive behaviors leading to things like gambling, affairs, etc., in order to stimulate pleasure responses.

For people struggling with things like debt and/or financial infidelity, it’s helpful to figure out if these areas of the brain are coming into play. It’s also helpful to figure out what types of stressors may have triggered the Biochemical Craving for Connection in the first place so you can deal with the root cause.