Ask Dan and Jennifer » stalker

Feeling Needy? Have A Clingy Partner? Find Out How To Bring Balance To An Unbalanced Relationship

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 11:55:41 +0000

Have you ever called someone else or been called a “stalker?” Using the term or having it used on you is a frustrated or mean way to say, “I’m sorry but I don’t love you and I need you to understand this and give me my space!”

Sometimes calling someone a “stalker” comes after several failed attempts at communicating the disparity in feelings. Other times, used early on in that person’s affection, it is meant to belittle and humiliate.

One of the problems inherent when a person is actually stalked is the stalker invades that person’s personal space: physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, and even spiritually. The stalker is in the person’s life without invitation and without permission.

Similarly, when a person has someone in her life that has fallen in love with her and is desperate to be seen by her, this potential lover’s attention can feel needy, clingy, and invasive because he is requesting admittance at a deep level without invitation or permission.

Imbalance In Relationships

Within an established relationship, if one member of the couple is usually needier or more clinging, resentment can start to build for both of them. For instance, if I am going through a period of insecurity and fear and I pull on my husband for reassurance repeatedly,

I resent my weakness as well as the extra power he has as the more secure one. If I am so needy that he never has the opportunity to relax much less share his own insecurities here and there, he can resent having to be the strong one.

An imbalance of need or desire can suck the life right out of either an established, potential, or even non-existent relationship! How do you turn the tide when you find you are the needy one and what can you do to help yourself and the relationship if you are the stronger one?

Balancing the Imbalance

The short answer to both sides is self-love! At those times in life when you find yourself the needier, more insecure one, self-love is an incredible cure. If you have found yourself in the needy position for what seems like most of your life, self-love is crucial!

By nurturing yourself, giving yourself your own unconditional high regard, thereby valuing who you are from the core of your being to the tips of your fingers, souls of your feet, and top of your head, you give yourself a sense of security from within that no one else can give you. Furthermore, no one else can take it away.

Self-Love is the Answer

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Peeping Tom – How Do I Turn My Fantasy Into Reality? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 14:33:53 +0000

Voyeurism. Watching. Peeping.

It’s not all bad…

Many people find themselves in the situation where they’re watching someone having sex, and they’re a little surprised to find out they enjoy it.

Everyone has a little bit of voyeurism in them, but what happens if you want to take it to the next level? What is okay and what isn’t?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Living next door is a beautiful girl my age. We are both 18. We have been friends and have flirted and done other fun things. My bedroom looks over at hers. I have sometimes seen her undressing and doing other sexy things. The other night I saw another guy in her room. They were making out. The shades were left open. To be honest I would like to see her doing it. I would like to watch them have sex. What suggestions would you give for me watching them without being caught? Could she want me to see her having sex? I want to do it with her, if I see them doing it. Should I tell her? What would I say? How do I say that I would like to be with her?

-Roger, PA

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Do they know I’m watching?

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6 Signs You May Be Dating a Psycho

Click by Lavalife, Kelly Jones — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 15:50:00 +0000

We’ve all got a teeny bit of psycho in us. But the line between going ga-ga for someone and becoming completely delusional about the boundaries of the relationship is a fine one.

If your newest fling’s behavior is starting to give you a serious case of the heebie-jeebies and you wonder where the glowing personality went that you met on the first date, you may have hitched up with a psycho.

From bunny-boiling to phone-tapping, incessant emails to branding-style scratched initials in your back, there’s a lot to be afraid of. Herewith, six signs your honey is half-baked.

Communication Overload

There’s a difference between an eager beaver and a psychotic partner. An eager beaver calls you once and leaves all their phone numbers and email addresses so you can find them when you get the urge to reach out. A wacko calls all of your numbers and sends messages to all of your email addresses — all day and every day.

And the more time that passes between live interaction with a psycho, the more nutsy the notes and messages become. "Hey, it’s me" morphs into "I’ve called 12 times…where are you?" and finally "Pick up the phone or I swear I’m gonna boil the bunny."

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

The fibs seem harmless at first; they may even be confused or couched as miscommunications.

But psycho partners lie incessantly in an attempt to control you. So what starts as lies about small things, like liver also being his favorite food (so that it looks like you two are so similar you must be soul mates) escalates into elaborate fabrications about him needing your emotional support because he’s just discovered that he has an identical twin brother whose cancerous liver will self-implode without a transfusion of your lover’s genetically matched blood.

Beware the contradictions, the overabundance of justifying details, the well-timed dramas.

Stalk Talk

Don’t be fooled by the cliché image of a trenchcoat-clad dude running from telephone pole to telephone pole as he follows his victim home from the bar. Stalking girlfriends and boyfriends come in all shapes and sizes (and outfits).

And their techniques are many: from blatantly setting up tent and bonfire on your front stoop to see what time you get home, to "coincidentally" planting themselves in public places they know you’ll frequent — your neighborhood porn shop, your synchronized swimming class, the recycling room in the basement of your building.

Don’t discount the idea of your phone being tapped if it seems your lover knows secrets you’ve shared only with friends over the phone. If you’re starting to get that creepy "being watched" feeling and have actually found yourself wondering how the witness protection program works, you’ve probably made allies with a lunatic.

Scared Out Of Your Wits?

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Are You a Stalker?

David Wygant — Fri, 09 Nov 2007 15:52:15 +0000

Ever feel like you’re being just a little TOO persistent?

Do you ever wonder why she never seems to get that email or text message you sent?

And how did she miss all those voice messages you left her?

Wait… could she be trying to tell you something?

Ask Yourself These Questions to Decide if You May Be a Stalker

• Do you find yourself calling people three, four, five times … even after they haven’t returned a phone call?

• How about the endless text messaging or emailing to someone even when there’s no responses to any of them?

There Are Many Different Ways That Someone Can Be a Stalker

There’s the scary Glenn Close type from “Fatal Attraction” who has a penchant for boiling bunny rabbits and jumping out of bathtubs.

There’s the creepy ex against whom you have to get a restraining order to stop them from coming over to your house.

Then there is the form of stalker no one talks about. It’s usually the man or woman who doesn’t understand that when a person does not respond after the second phone message, text message or email, that the person is no longer interested.

One Rule Everyone Should Follow

I’m not very big into rules, but there is one by which I think everyone should abide: If you’ve left a few messages for someone and they haven’t called you back, then (borrowing from an old dating book) he’s (or she’s) just not that into you.

As Miranda on “Sex & The City” once told a group of women sitting on the library steps, if you leave a couple of messages for a man and he doesn’t call you back, he’s just not that into you. The problem is that they should have left it as a “Sex & The City” episode.

That book had one piece of good advice. The rest of it is annoying.

Plain and simple…