Ask Dan and Jennifer » Stress

Men Must Get Away From The Source Of Their Stress: That Means You

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 14:00:04 +0000

The other night on twitter I saw a “tweet” that encapsulated a man’s need to go to his cave when stressed out by relationship issues with his woman. With everything I have read that has explained the phenomenon to me, nothing has brought it home to me like this micro-post. It read, “Girls: Guys must get away from the source of their stress. When he’s in his ‘Nothing Box,’ he’s not mad, he’s simply de-stressing.” I’ve never heard of a man’s “nothing box” before but it is obviously the same thing as “the cave” reference that Dr. John Gray made popular two decades ago. I prefer “cave” because it sounds manly! The “nothing box” sounds like a diminishment of something that I have come to learn is very important to men.

When A Man Needs His Space

If the concept is new to you, let me explain it. However, new the concept is, it is a good bet you have experienced it! When a man and woman are in an argument, at some point the conversation breaks down because he has to get away. Whether he goes for a drive, picks up the newspaper and starts reading, or goes to his office or work room, the man needs space and he creates it. He creates it immediately without consulting you or asking your permission. Women tend to find this behavior dismissive and insulting.

The cave also looks like this – the man comes home at the end of his work day and he just isn’t interested in how your day went. He wants to sit back and relax. He wants the television or the newspaper or to disappear somewhere out of range. He doesn’t seem to want his woman’s company. That is not if she needs to talk. If she genuinely wants to sit quietly with him doing her own reading or watching TV, that’s great. However, he unwinds best without conversation and by creating space for himself.

As I write this, I have a chorus of women’s voices in my head screaming at me, “Don’t you dare justify this behavior in men!” Well, I apologize ladies; but, indeed, I am going to justify it. I can promise you this: if you will get on board with this phenomenon in men, your life and your relationship will improve.

Can A Man’s Need To Destress Make Your Relationship Better?

Joseph’s (my husband’s) and my podcast has given us the gift of talking with many high quality relationship experts this year. In fact, two of our early guests were Dan and Jennifer! The men who are out there writing and making a difference in relationships have consistently referred to how a man has to process his feelings on his own. They discuss the science of how men’s and women’s minds work differently. This has been very helpful because how our minds work goes back to prehistoric days when the differences sustained communities and saved lives.

For instance, have you noticed that when a man is driving in heavy traffic, he isn’t inclined to carry on lengthy, winding conversations with his woman? If you are in the middle of a conversation it will come to an abrupt end as the traffic gets all of his attention. This is because men are wired to protect. In situations where physical harm could occur, their focus becomes laser sharp on protecting. Conversation be damned! There have probably been countless arguments in the front seats of cars for decades because she was talking, his attention completely left her to focus on his driving, and she felt dismissed!

Over and over again, men who are relationship experts agree, men process their feelings on their own. It is hardwired into their chemistry and their physiology to separate themselves from the women they love when under stress with those women.

The Differences Between Men And Women

Women can talk for hours about everything they experience, think, and feel. Men cannot. It isn’t that they don’t want to. They can’t. Between Joseph and his men friends, they all know when one or more of them just can’t talk anymore. Between men it isn’t insulting for one or more of them to withdraw either physically, emotionally, or mentally when talking comes to the point of being overwhelming. Also, between Joseph and his men friends, the only thing they laugh at where their marriages are concerned is how they cannot keep up with their women’s talking and sharing.

Joseph and I talked about this quote, “Girls: Guys must get away from the source of their stress. When he’s in his ‘Nothing Box,’ he’s not mad, he’s simply de-stressing.” He said, “I know this sounds terrible, but it’s like dog training! You know how when training a dog, it tires the dog out because it forces the dog to think so much? Well, that’s how it is for men. We simply cannot keep up with our women when it comes to talking and sharing. It’s one reason we get angry about it. We cannot keep up with it and that causes us to feel shame. Once that shame button is switched on, the conversation is over.”

He went on to say that men are problem solvers. In all that talking, problems aren’t being solved. Therefore, all that talking is a source of stress. Eventually, the only way he can process the stress is to get away from it.

So how will a woman’s relationship improve when she accepts this masculine phenomenon? By accepting a man’s social and biological reality, she respects him. That respect of him translates into his love for her growing. Men adore women who respect them. It is as simple as that.

What I got so deeply out of that micro-post was this: it isn’t personal. When he goes to his cave, he is taking care of his needs. In a very real sense, it isn’t about me. Respecting his masculine process allows us both to relax and get back to the good stuff, living life together in love.

Sex: The Ultimate Stress-Buster

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 22:13:40 +0000

What’s free, fun, and the ultimate way to beat stress? Sex of course! This is especially good news in a downward spiraling economy where people find themselves under more pressure, and often with less money. Sex is a great way to break through a stressful run and – perhaps best of all – it’s free.

It’s all about the endorphins. Even a 20 second kiss or hug raises your endorphin levels, and re-affirming your connection with your loved one is a guaranteed tension reducer. But why stop there? Having sex releases more calming hormones than any other type of pre-cursor (i.e., a kiss or hug).

It’s A Human Need

Everyone has a bio-chemical craving for connection, a theory I developed and talk about in Financial Infidelity. We’re all – to a certain extent – driven by the need for that dopamine high we get when we engage in pleasurable – and sometimes risky – behavior. In relation to fidelity, this is what can lead to spending money behind a partner’s back, or conducting an illicit affair. But the good news is you don’t have to seek out these risky behaviors in order to find that high.

Sex with your partner is another, much less risky way to fulfill your need for connection and get the high you’re looking for. Because your actions leading up to sex release endorphins, and the act of sex itself facilitates calming hormones, you’ll end up feeling much better. Sure, the more stressed out you are, the busier you are, and the less likely you are to focus a great amount of energy and thought into the necessity of sex. But I would argue that in stressful, unstable times, sex IS a necessity, as it does much more than simply work to our advantage scientifically.

Why Sex Is So Important In A Relationship

You probably don’t need me telling you all the psychological and financial benefits of having sex. Of course it’s also an important, crucial way to connect and unwind with your partner. During stressful times it can be hard to squeeze in even something enjoyable like sex. Stress typically doesn’t do a lot to put someone “in the mood,” but that’s why it’s even more important to make time for it. Sex is an integral part of a relationship and aside from the proven mental and physical benefits, it’s emotionally beneficial as well. Staying close and connected to someone important in your life during times of great stress is a must. It helps you stay grounded, and re-establishes important relational bonds.

The importance of sex – both emotionally and psychologically – is something we should bear in mind regardless of the economic climate. Connecting with our partners is crucial to a healthy relationship as well as a healthy mind and body. And considering sex is enjoyable, it’s something good you can do for yourself that should be relatively easy.

Multiple Orgasms – Did You Know That It IS Possible For Men Too?

Carla Tara — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 13:15:36 +0000

Tantra is such a vast subject that it’s fascinating and awe-inspiring. It includes so much that it can be very confusing to the beginning student. Tantra is an art, a science, a way of life that is honest and courageous. It includes and faces squarely our sexual energy, this awesome force that some religions fear and want to suppress.

It can be used to help us reach our highest potential of pleasure, and union with the divine. To achieve this, it offers a series of exercises in breathing, tone vibrations, the use of certain muscles, and concentration on certain symbols representing the energy centers of the body.

One of the techniques it teaches allows men to have an orgasm without ejaculating, which makes it possible for him to come again and again.

How is This Possible?

Well, by using tantric principles, such as breathing, visualizing, and squeezing the love muscles to draw sexual energy from the sex organs up the spine to the back of the brain, a man can learn to ride the waves of orgasm and start coasting along the crest of those waves like a skilled surfer.

He can go down in the valley of the wave and enjoy playing more safely in a sweet and intensive romantic/spiritual space, absorbing the benefits resulting from the heightened pleasure he just achieved. He feels as if he’s buzzing with energy, more open and tender toward his partner and himself.

They can look into each other’s eyes, exchange gentle caresses, or simply breathe together to expand the state of bliss. All this can be done without the man losing the precious life-force contained in his semen.

Then the couple can proceed to make love actively, and reach several peaks in one love session. After having reached several peaks and experienced several body orgasms, the man can choose to have an ejaculatory orgasm if desired.

Controlling Ejaculation

How quickly a man can learn to control his ejaculation response depends on how much he practices, and the attitude he practices with. It’s almost a paradox: The more patient and loving you are with yourself, the less in a hurry to achieve quick results, the faster you’ll learn.

That’s because relaxation is the key, and you can’t be relaxed if you’re very goal-oriented. When you’re goal-oriented, you’re tense and usually judgmental. Ideas like, "I don’t know if I’ll ever learn this stuff…..Perhaps it’s not for me….I’m wasting my time…." or similar discouraging thoughts will retard the process of learning.

Be Positive and Loving

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Spiritual Sex: Reuniting Body And Soul For A Whole Body Orgasm

Maya Silverman — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 11:39:16 +0000

In today’s stressful modern age, it seems as though the practice of sensuality has slowly become a lost art.

Just think about it: with our fast-paced culture and hectic schedules, it’s no wonder that we have very little time for things that require us to slow down and take our time especially when it comes to our sex lives!

Everyday Life Gets in the Way

After all, each one of us is guilty of this behavior. Perhaps you had a long day at the office, or you’ve got a big meeting to prepare for in the early morning. Either way, when you engage in lovemaking with your partner, your mind is somewhere else completely.

You’re focusing on that big report or review at the office, or maybe you’re forming a mental to-do list. Since you’re mind is entirely occupied by distracting thoughts, you can’t focus on lovemaking, and you deny yourself the pleasure that you need.

It’s not that difficult to see why we let the stress of our daily lives negatively affect our sexual energy.

Stress Affects Our Sex Lives

While the act of sex may not require that much thought, achieving an orgasm takes focus which can be hard to do if our minds are focused on our day at the office! Yet if you’re looking to reclaim your sexual pleasure from the stresses of modern life, and to achieve that elusive whole body orgasm that you’ve longed for, follow these rules to max out your soulful sack sessions!

When you want to get your partner revved up for a bedroom romp, chances are you probably focus less on touching and caressing and more on the actual act of sex. Yet if you’re looking to reunite your body and soul for a whole body orgasm that will have you seeing stars, you need to take a step back and focus more on the pleasure that comes with erotic touching.

Max Out Your Partner’s Bliss

Not only can you max out your partner’s bliss by taking the time to caress him or her, but you’ll be heightening the anticipation for lovemaking – a key ingredient for that whole body orgasm!

Erotic touching is an intense and soulful experience, so be sure to engage in intimate behavior: stare into your partner’s eyes while gently stroking him or her along the length of the body. Use erotic touching as a means to explore your partner like never before.

Sure, you may know every nook and cranny of your partner’s body, but how well do you really know it? By using erotic touching, you’ll experience your lover’s body in a new and more spiritual way that will intensify your relationship, both in and out of the bedroom.

Erotic Touching Melts the Tension

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Is Stress Damaging Your Relationship?

Alan B. Densky, CH — Sat, 20 Sep 2008 19:09:43 +0000

Stress is a normal part of daily life. In fact, without a small amount of stress, our bodies wouldn’t function. Yes, our lives actually depend on stress! If stress is good for us, how do we know how much is enough – and how much is too much?

Stress is so normal that we actually come to depend on it to help us with the everyday activities of our lives. For example, if people didn’t feel some stress and anxiety about their grades, they would not be motivated to perform well in school. Likewise, without being a little anxious about paying bills, eating, and housing, people would not be concerned about getting employment or doing their jobs well.

Stress Damages Health & Relationships

Too much stress, however can be damaging to our health and relationships. Excessive worrying can cause a person’s body to produce chemicals that cause high blood pressure, lessen pain tolerance, and even delay healing.

People with high stress levels become ill more easily and get well more slowly. They aren’t able to perform their jobs as effectively or concentrate as intently on course work and exams.

Excessive stress can damage personal relationships as well as business relationships. People who are coping with high levels of anxiety are often irritable from lack of sleep, and have a lower tolerance for a family member’s little faults. Persons who are under high levels of stress may find it much more difficult to control their tempers or say things tactfully.

This often leads to harsh or unkind words. The person who is under high levels of stress may or may not realize just how much someone else might be affected by these words. If he or she does not recognize how much the words hurt, further misunderstandings can result, and the relationship can be permanently hurt by this situation.

How Dating Causes Stress

People who are dating are under high levels of stress as each is working to convince the other that he or she is attractive, interesting, and appealing. Usually, people who are irritable and cranky are not appealing to others.

If you are considering entering a dating relationship, but are at a stressful point in your life, it may be wise to think about waiting until your stress is resolved, or getting some help in relieving your anxiety.

If you are already in a relationship that you value, however, avoiding interacting with the person while you are feeling stressed is probably not a good choice. Finding relief from the stress is probably a more desirable choice than getting out of the relationship altogether. But where can you turn?

Where to Turn For Help

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Weathering the Storm – How to Survive Stressful Times Together

Melody Brooke — Fri, 14 Sep 2007 17:24:01 +0000

Life doesn’t always go smoothly, have you noticed that?

It’s easy to feel in love and happy with your partner during times of success and relative calm. But times like that don’t come along all that often.

My husband and I figure we have had one year that was relatively free of stress. Fortunately it was the second year of our marriage. We had weathered the normal “sturm and drang” of the first year and had established a warm, trusting connection between us. We had one year to enjoy that state of marital bliss before life came along to stir things up.

Change is Inevitable

The old saying goes there are two things certain in life, “taxes and death”. I would go on to add a third, change. Change happens continually and most of the time unpredictably. Humans don’t really like change, for the most part. We would prefer to have our routines and daily lives remain stable and secure so that we can know what to expect. Unfortunately, this is not true to life. Life has a way of shaking things up, sometimes at the worst possible times.

Marriages, if they are to last, have to change as well. They have to adapt to the flow of change in life and become more than they originally were, if they are to succeed. Most of us don’t handle it that well and the result is the amazingly high rate of divorce. The popular belief is that we are “serial monogamists” and that it’s normal to be divorced in the 22nd Century. But if you are like me and ever experienced a divorce, you know there is nothing “normal” about it and it causes damage to anyone touched by it, whether you have kids or not.

So how are we to surf successfully through the storms of life and remain connected as a couple?

I am sure there are books on that particular topic, though I have to admit to never having read one. There are lots of books on communication and deepening intimacy, but I don’t think I’ve seen any that directly address the topic of managing stressful times together as a couple. It’s easy to feel connected to another person when things are going well, its something else altogether to stay connected when things are not going well.

Human Nature is to Find Someone to Blame for Our Unhappiness

This is because knowing who is to blame helps us solve the problem. If we know where the problem is we can do whatever it needs to be done to fix it. But, in the case of marriage, that often looks like divorce. We figure, we are unhappy, so it must because of my partner. “Just look at (him/her) (he/she) is so (fat, addicted, mean, selfish, whatever) and obviously doesn’t care about (him/her) self or me. How can I be happy with a partner like that?”

Ah, we have solved the problem!

Now we know what to do, …