Ask Dan and Jennifer » Therapy

It’s OK to Trust: How You Can Overcome The Fear of Intimacy

Alan B. Densky, CH — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 19:33:51 +0000

Cold silences. Angry outbursts. Heart wrenching dread that he (or she) is cheating on you. Suddenly everything starts going wrong, and a relationship that seemed so promising is suddenly on the brink of disaster. You can’t imagine how things could break down so rapidly.

Fear of Intimacy

This problem is called “fear of intimacy.” It’s not uncommon, but it is very hard to overcome unless you recognize the problem and act quickly to get help. If you have found yourself experiencing this stressful relationship pattern over and over again, chances are very high that you struggle with intimacy issues.

If you have developed a fear of intimacy, you are not alone. There is help for your problem, if you are willing to do the hard work necessary to conquer it and develop meaningful, lasting relationships that will be enjoyable and rewarding.

What Causes Fear of Intimacy?

Some people have bad relationships with the primary adults in their lives, such as their parents or grandparents. Many of these adults struggled themselves with intimacy problems or with alcoholism or drug dependency. These adults had difficulty caring for and relating to their children, a problem that they passed on to the children.

Other persons who have trouble with becoming close to another person became involved in a bad relationship. If you were a victim of abuse, or if your previous partner cheated on you, you may find that it’s almost impossible to trust someone else again. Trusting another person after you’ve been let down or abandoned is extremely hard.

Many people have trouble admitting to themselves or to others that they do have trouble trusting in a relationship. Often, they cannot even say why they have trouble.

There may be no single incident or bad relationship to which they can point and say, “This is when I stopped trusting in other people.” All they know is that relationships don’t seem to last for more than a few months, and they don’t know what to do to fix the problem.

There Is Hope For You

If you are one of these people, or if you know someone who does have a fear of intimacy, there is hope. The first, and one of the most important steps, is recognizing that you have trust issues and deciding that you want things to get better. Only after you are ready to seek healing can you find a way to cope with and overcome the painful emotions within.

Your Options For Overcoming Fear Of Intimacy

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Understanding The Desire To Love And Be Loved in Return

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 19:32:02 +0000

“We are all part of the same human condition. The yearning to love and be loved is at the heart of who we are.” – Lynne Twist

That quote speaks to every man and every woman in every place and time! The worlds’ greatest love stories, from the brilliantly successful ones to the dismally tragic ones, come down to the yearning to love and be loved in return.

Loving and Being Loved

In every love story, there is a quality to the relationship that is defined by how each person deals with his or her own yearning to love and be loved.

Some of us have a stronger desire to love than to be loved. We pour ourselves out on everyone we love with abandon. We are supportive and nurturing, even if we risk suffocating the object of our affection. We may pour out our love in bold, brash, even bullying ways.

I am thinking of men who only need a hint that something is wrong and then swoop in to fix the problem, their loved one, and the people involved! This also brings to mind women who turn into protective mother bears when their loved ones (cubs) are threatened.

Others who are more committed to loving than being loved show their support and nurture by being submissive, following their lover wherever he or she leads. Even if it is to a dark place, the supportive, nurturing, I-am-totally-there-for-you individual loves the risk of loving no matter the cost.

A Stronger Desire to be Loved

Then there are those of us with a stronger desire to be loved. As supportive as I think I am, sometimes my desire to be loved by my husband is so strong I embarrass myself! When he is preoccupied with something, with steely focus accomplishing something, if I interrupt and thereby incur even a slight dismissal, the pout that forms on my lips is telling!

In an instant, it is all about me and my needs and desires. If I were truly one of those supportive types, wouldn’t I have seen and appreciated his preoccupation with whatever he was accomplishing?

Managing my desire to be loved and choosing to sometimes follow my yearning to love, as a priority over my yearning to be loved, is simple enough. It can be heartbreaking to watch someone completely sabotage their relationship because nothing can satisfy the hunger for proof that their lover loves them beyond all others!

Sabotaging the Relationship

Of course, the supportive, nurturing lovers can sabotage their relationships too. Smothering love can snuff out love, shocking the supportive individual with the level of resentment the recipient of their love feels towards them and all their loving attention!

Yet, the “yearning to love and be loved is at the heart of who we are.” At some point in your life, I hope you were your mother’s and father’s beloved infant. Mothers and fathers do their best. Sometimes their best is brilliant, sometimes it is good enough, and other times it is barely adequate.

Relationship With Caregivers

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Do You Feel Responsible For Other People’s Feelings? You Have to Read This…

Dr. Margaret Paul — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 11:29:21 +0000

Many people actually believe that they are responsible for other people’s feelings. The truth is our feelings are caused by our own thoughts and actions.

Consider these examples:

“My wife is so upset that I have to travel more on my new job,” Chuck told me in our phone counseling session. “She feels so alone and lost when I’m gone. When I talk with her she is either crying or angry. I feel so badly and guilty but I don’t know what to do.”

“Do you feel responsibility for her feelings?” I asked him. “Do you feel that you are the cause of her feelings?”

“Yes.”

*****

“I’m just starting to date again after my divorce and I’m having a hard time with it,” Jeanette told me. “I just don’t know how to let a man know that I’m not interested in dating him any more, or in pursuing a sexual relationship with him. It feels like such a sticky situation.”

“Is it sticky because you are worried about his feelings?”

“Yes. The last man I dated hung his head and looked so distressed when I asked him to leave. I know that he was really attracted to me and I wasn’t at all attracted to him. I felt so awful that he was so hurt.”

“Did you feel responsible for his feelings?”

“Yes.”

*****

“My 14 year old daughter is so angry at me for the divorce, even though she knows that we are divorcing because of all my husband’s affairs,” Alissa told me. “I feel so guilty, even though I am not the one who had the affairs.”

“Do you feel responsible for her feelings?”

“Yes, of course!”

*****

The Truth About What Causes Our Feelings

Do you believe that you CAUSE others’ feelings, and are therefore responsible for them?

This is a major false belief. Some of our feelings, such as grief from losing a loved one, or helplessness over others, or loneliness when we want to share love with another and no one is available, are caused by life events. But most of our feelings, such as anger, anxiety, depression, hurt, guilt, or shame, are caused by our own thoughts and actions.

If Chuck’s wife is abandoning herself by not attending to her own feelings, or by judging herself, or by making Chuck responsible for her, then she will feel alone and angry at Chuck. It is not Chuck who is abandoning her. It is she who is abandoning herself.

Since there is nothing Chuck can do about the fact that his wife is abandoning herself, he cannot possibly take responsibility for her feelings. But he CAN take responsibility for his own feelings. As long as Chuck is telling himself the lie that he is responsible for his wife’s feelings, he will feel badly and guilty. His guilt is his inner guidance’s way of letting him know that he is telling himself a lie.

Taking Responsibility For Our Own Feelings

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Is Stress Damaging Your Relationship?

Alan B. Densky, CH — Sat, 20 Sep 2008 19:09:43 +0000

Stress is a normal part of daily life. In fact, without a small amount of stress, our bodies wouldn’t function. Yes, our lives actually depend on stress! If stress is good for us, how do we know how much is enough – and how much is too much?

Stress is so normal that we actually come to depend on it to help us with the everyday activities of our lives. For example, if people didn’t feel some stress and anxiety about their grades, they would not be motivated to perform well in school. Likewise, without being a little anxious about paying bills, eating, and housing, people would not be concerned about getting employment or doing their jobs well.

Stress Damages Health & Relationships

Too much stress, however can be damaging to our health and relationships. Excessive worrying can cause a person’s body to produce chemicals that cause high blood pressure, lessen pain tolerance, and even delay healing.

People with high stress levels become ill more easily and get well more slowly. They aren’t able to perform their jobs as effectively or concentrate as intently on course work and exams.

Excessive stress can damage personal relationships as well as business relationships. People who are coping with high levels of anxiety are often irritable from lack of sleep, and have a lower tolerance for a family member’s little faults. Persons who are under high levels of stress may find it much more difficult to control their tempers or say things tactfully.

This often leads to harsh or unkind words. The person who is under high levels of stress may or may not realize just how much someone else might be affected by these words. If he or she does not recognize how much the words hurt, further misunderstandings can result, and the relationship can be permanently hurt by this situation.

How Dating Causes Stress

People who are dating are under high levels of stress as each is working to convince the other that he or she is attractive, interesting, and appealing. Usually, people who are irritable and cranky are not appealing to others.

If you are considering entering a dating relationship, but are at a stressful point in your life, it may be wise to think about waiting until your stress is resolved, or getting some help in relieving your anxiety.

If you are already in a relationship that you value, however, avoiding interacting with the person while you are feeling stressed is probably not a good choice. Finding relief from the stress is probably a more desirable choice than getting out of the relationship altogether. But where can you turn?

Where to Turn For Help

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Relationship Suck? Need Counseling? Read this first! (Video)

Paul Carlson — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 14:28:14 +0000

Sometimes, we have problems that we just can’t fix on our own.

Whether they’re relationship problems, sex problems or even behavioral problems and problems from our pasts, we don’t have the resources or the knowledge we need to right ourselves, no matter how hard we try!

Therapy can work wonders, but where do you start? There are hundreds and hundreds of different types of therapy available to you. How do you know which one is right for you?

What is the difference between the various types of couples counseling that’s available? (traditional counselor, hypnotherapy, alternative treatments, etc)

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Treating the problem chemically.

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How Power and Risk Affect Your Relationship

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 14:58:59 +0000

A study published in the July/August 2006 issue of the European Journal of Social Psychology suggests that powerful people are more likely to take risks. The authors of thestudy theorized that high-powered individuals often benefit when they make choices that are considered high-risk.

The more power these people believe they have, the more risk they are willing to take. However, this behavior can set up an incredibly damaging dynamic. Consider, for instance, the number of scandals that regularly arise involving high-powered executives, wealthy stock-market investors, or political figures.

How power affects relationships

I’m quite sure that former president Bill Clinton never believed he would get caught when he embarked on an affair with a White House intern. Another psychological effect of constant risk taking is the impact the adrenaline rush that such behavior can provide. These thrill seekers “self-medicate,” and I see in my practice their self-destruction. Individuals who are prone to addictive behavior are in danger of falling into a damaging cycle where the rush of taking the risk becomes all the reward they need.

Whether or not their risky behavior is beneficial becomes secondary. And the more risks they take, the more powerful they may feel. This type of power dynamic in a relationship can have a significant impact on a couple’s shared finances. When faced with a crisis, risk takers, who generally take a “don’t worry, don’t plan” approach to money management, may make rash decisions that result in emotional and financial catastrophes for them and/or their partners.

The brain’s reaction to powerful emotional even

According to Bret t N. Steenbarger, clinical psychologist and author of Enhancing Trader Performance, “When humans experience a powerful emotional event (and a big gain or loss in our wealth, even if it is on paper, is one) our brains don’t work the way they do when we’re calm. During times like these the analytical part of the brain shuts down….” You need a plan to limit risk, especially at these times when your brain fails you.

Assess your risk

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How to Recover From an Emotional Hangover and Create a Healthy Relationship (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 13 May 2008 14:24:42 +0000

Whether you’ve been in a bad relationship, have been cheated on or even been abused, it is possible for you to carry the emotional baggage with you even once the situation itself has passed.

Women especially are vulnerable to emotional hangovers and can let bad experiences affect them continually, even in new relationships.

Unfortunately, until you get a grip on your emotions, you’re slowly going to poison any relationship that you have.

You need to break the patterns in order to move on.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Hello, I read your article on the free library and it connected with me. I am very insecure to the extent I am destroying my relationship with my boyfriend. We have been dating now for almost 3 yrs. He has been sincere but I somehow still manage to not having any faith in him. My ex’s cheated on me and my boyfriend says I am carrying it over into our relationship.

I hate the fact that I am becoming such a monster, that I can’t control my thoughts and that I am loosing the man I want as a husband. We want to start 2008 fresh.

How does one ‘let go and let things be?’ How can I solve my problems? How can I clear my head and heart out and move forward? Where do I start and what should I do? Please help.

- Ulrika, South Africa

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Recognition

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How Therapy Can Actually Destroy Your Marriage

Melody Brooke — Fri, 07 Sep 2007 19:14:49 +0000

Generally speaking we choose to go into therapy when we can’t figure out how to make our lives work by ourselves. Maybe we’ve been aware of underlying sadness that doesn’t seem to go away no matter what we do. Or perhaps we have started having panic attacks for no noticeable reason that we cannot contain on our own. We could be tearful much of the time and don’t understand what is causing it.

On the other hand, we could enter therapy because we are unhappy with our marriage and we can’t get ourselves to leave or figure out how to change it.

When we go into therapy for any reason, and we are married, the odds of ending up divorced actually increase. I suspect this is because when we enter therapy we are looking at things solely from our own perspective. We go into therapy hoping to get a different perspective, but often what happens is that we get support in our perspective. Most therapists are kind, care giving types of people who have gone into the profession in hopes of helping people. So when you enter their office they give you support and encouragement, they help you feel better about yourself and your position. If you have a partner and you are unhappy with them, the therapist encourages you to stand up for yourself and assert your needs.

The downside of their doing this is that while it may make you feel better in the short run, it runs the risk of destroying your marriage in the long run. This is because what has happened is that you have gotten help in making you stronger, at the cost of the connection between you and your partner.

In supervision early in my career I remember my supervisor saying that once a person brings their spouse into therapy you become the marriage’s counselor and not the individual’s counselor. This made sense to me at the time.

Since then I have come to realize that when someone comes to me their relationships are as much a part of the therapy as they. This means that I do not take positions against the other parties. I support the person in discovering more about themselves and exploring how their current relationships are impacted by their past experiences. I do not make judgments about my client needing to end their relationships just because my client is unhappy in the situation.

One of my past supervisors habitually demanded that her clients cut off connections with their families. Now, at the time this made sense to me since some of those family connections were with parents that continued to be abusive. And, sometimes, this it can be important to take time-outs in these situations until the clients are strong enough to protect themselves. But most of the time what my clients need is to be able to develop a different kind of relationship with these important people in their lives by developing compassion for both themselves, and for their parents.

To do this the therapist has to themselves be…