Ask Dan and Jennifer » trust

Trust And Ultimatums – Can I Trust Her? (Video)

Paul Carlson — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 23:42:18 +0000

Many relationships are built on trust and honesty – in fact, many relationship counselors and therapists would insist that you have to have a foundation of trust and honesty to have a healthy and successful relationship. What happens when your partner breaks that trust? Do you give them an ultimatum? How do you learn to trust them again?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My girlfriend tends to lie about the little things and I’m not sure that she’ll be honest with me on the big things. I know ultimatums are bad, but in this case would it be wrong to tell her that if she doesn’t stop lying, I’m going to end the relationship?

–Tony, Alabama

Click here to view the embedded video.

Ultimatums

Generally, ultimatums of any kind are a bad idea. Do you like being given ultimatums? Chances are, the answer is probably “no.” Ultimatums often cause more strife and heartache than the original problem did to begin with. If the trust in your relationship has been broken – for example, if you’ve been lied to – and an ultimatum is out of the question, what do you do?

Lies And Learned Behaviors

There are many different types of lies. Small lies, which are considered “white” lies, and the big, black kind that can really get you in trouble if you’re found out. There’s also lying by omission. If your partner lies to you – whether it’s a string of little white lies or a big black one, it can make you feel insignificant, frustrated and even angry. Before you make any big decisions though, think about this: sometimes lying is a learned behavior! Learned behaviors stem from childhood and the kind of environment someone was raised in. If your partner lies to you often, even if they’re little white lies, consider that they may have had to do this as a “mode of survival” in their childhood. Of course, if that is the case, undoing learned behaviors requires some good, old fashioned relationship counseling and therapy.

You Can’t Change People – But Can You Learn To Deal With Them?

So your partner may be lying to you – but how bad is it? Think about the good things in your relationship as well as the bad and make a list if you have to. You can’t change people, but you can change your reactions to people. By really sitting down and thinking about what is great in your relationship and what you love about your partner, as well as what you don’t, you can begin to decide which outweighs the other. Are you prepared to accept the little white lies because your partner is great in every other way? Is it something you can handle? Or are the lies bad enough that you’d rather end the relationship? Think about what you’re willing to do.

Talking To Your Partner

Of course, you need to talk to your partner about how you feel, but you can do so positively and without an ultimatum. If you’ve decided to accept your partner for how they are, let them know that their behavior sometimes does bother you but you love them anyways. They may feel incentive to change how they act on their own. If it’s a break up talk, be sure and let your partner know that you truly care about them, but the lies are unacceptable and it’s not something you’re ready or willing to deal with.

It’s OK to Trust: How You Can Overcome The Fear of Intimacy

Alan B. Densky, CH — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 19:33:51 +0000

Cold silences. Angry outbursts. Heart wrenching dread that he (or she) is cheating on you. Suddenly everything starts going wrong, and a relationship that seemed so promising is suddenly on the brink of disaster. You can’t imagine how things could break down so rapidly.

Fear of Intimacy

This problem is called “fear of intimacy.” It’s not uncommon, but it is very hard to overcome unless you recognize the problem and act quickly to get help. If you have found yourself experiencing this stressful relationship pattern over and over again, chances are very high that you struggle with intimacy issues.

If you have developed a fear of intimacy, you are not alone. There is help for your problem, if you are willing to do the hard work necessary to conquer it and develop meaningful, lasting relationships that will be enjoyable and rewarding.

What Causes Fear of Intimacy?

Some people have bad relationships with the primary adults in their lives, such as their parents or grandparents. Many of these adults struggled themselves with intimacy problems or with alcoholism or drug dependency. These adults had difficulty caring for and relating to their children, a problem that they passed on to the children.

Other persons who have trouble with becoming close to another person became involved in a bad relationship. If you were a victim of abuse, or if your previous partner cheated on you, you may find that it’s almost impossible to trust someone else again. Trusting another person after you’ve been let down or abandoned is extremely hard.

Many people have trouble admitting to themselves or to others that they do have trouble trusting in a relationship. Often, they cannot even say why they have trouble.

There may be no single incident or bad relationship to which they can point and say, “This is when I stopped trusting in other people.” All they know is that relationships don’t seem to last for more than a few months, and they don’t know what to do to fix the problem.

There Is Hope For You

If you are one of these people, or if you know someone who does have a fear of intimacy, there is hope. The first, and one of the most important steps, is recognizing that you have trust issues and deciding that you want things to get better. Only after you are ready to seek healing can you find a way to cope with and overcome the painful emotions within.

Your Options For Overcoming Fear Of Intimacy

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How To Tell If Someone Is Lying To You Over The Phone – Without Any Special Equipment

Simon Cruise — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 19:33:03 +0000

Have you ever been having a conversation with someone, say, in the office, at home or out-and-about and doubted the truthfulness of something they’ve said? If you’re like most people, you no doubt have. It’s a frustrating position to be in.

Even though you might suspect one or more of their statements to be false, you have no proof and can’t really risk accusing them for fear of being wrong, upsetting them and making a really bad impression. But what about if you aren’t with them face-to-face and talking on the phone instead or even listening to a message they’ve left you on your answering machine?

Your job, of accurately judging whether or not what they’re saying is the truth or a lie is made even harder. You can’t look at their eyes, view their body language or use any other visual clue to help you decide on whether or not they’re trustworthy.

So what CAN you do? Well, you can use natural lie detection techniques to get a good grasp on what they’re saying and, most importantly, whether it’s been made-up, twisted or is the entire truth.

Let’s look at 4 ways in which people alter or change the way they speak or the words they use when they lie to you. Listen out for each one whenever you want to tell if someone is lying to you, either over the phone or face-to-face.

Sign #1: Negativity

Liars know that when they try to deceive someone they’re breaking an unspoken moral and social code, lying, to any normal, decent person, is plain wrong 99% of the time. Because what they’re saying is negative, they themselves feel a sense of negativity and cynicism, which leaks out in the words they choose to use.

For example, a liar might say: ““I wasn’t there when the fire started,” instead of, “I was at home when the fire broke out.” Or “I never tell lies,” instead of, “I always tell the truth.”

Sign #2: Self-Referencing

When trying to deceive others, people frequently want to psychologically distance themselves from the lie or lies they’re telling. They often do this by decreasing the amount of times they use self-referencing.

For example, they might say: “That car was in the driveway. God knows how it could cause an accident at the same time.” An honest person is much more likely to not worry about referencing themselves in their statement, and might instead say: “My car was parked in my driveway. I don’t know how it could possibly have been on the road and caused an accident at the same time.”

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Do You Now This Surefire Way To Catch A Liar Without Looking Suspicious Youself?

Simon Cruise — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 13:16:32 +0000

Like most people, I’m sure you hate being lied to. In short, other people’s lies make our lives more difficult to live.

The problem most people who think they’ve been lied to face, apart from finding out the truth, is confronting the person that’s been conning them. It’s a really tricky social situation – what if, by some chance, they weren’t lying?

Or what if they were lying but won’t admit it and instead just choose to blindly deny being deceptive? Dozens of questions and uncertainties make tackling a liar and untangling theirs lies a difficult task for anyone to face. But there ARE things you can do to help you succeed.

We’re going to look at just one technique of many that you can use to first discreetly acquire additional, hard proof of someone’s untruthfulness, and then use to confidently confront them safe in the knowledge that they cannot possibly deny what they’ve done…your evidence is simply too strong and damning. It’s called…

False Fact Contribution

This discreet detection technique is a favorite of many skilled natural lie detectors, purely because of its high level of effectiveness and reliability. In involves the adding of a fictional fact of your own that relates to their suspected lie, expressed as the truth, to evoke a telling response from them that you can use as a measure of their reliability.

Here’s an example. Your partner has supposedly been to the movies with a friend, but you have a sneaking suspicion that they may not be telling you the truth. When they return home you casually say hi in a non-threatening, relaxed way.

Once you have eye contact with them, you mention hearing on the radio that there was a massive road traffic accident outside of the movie theater and ask if it caused them any trouble when they had to leave. Now, if your partner IS lying, they are in a might tricky situation.

Do they go along with what you’ve said, assuming it to be true, and say that they saw the accident scene and got out fine, or do they risk saying they saw nothing? The key to using the false fact contribution technique lies in making the fact you use something they cannot have possibly missed (if it were true).

What You’ll Get

This means you’ll get a usable, telling response from them. Either they’ll make a reference to it and therefore expose their dishonesty. Or, having actually gone to the movies, they’ll say, truthfully, that they saw nothing. In this scenario, you quite casually brush the whole thing, and say you must have misheard the road name on the radio or something along those lines.

Remember, take note of how your partner, or whoever you’re using this technique on, reacts when you contribute the false fact. Watch for changes in their body language, a lessening of eye contact and any attempts they make to quickly change or ignore the subject you’ve raised. Looking for these signs give you the best chance of acquiring what you deserve: the truth.

How to Tell If Someone’s Lying Just By Looking At Their Hands…

Simon Cruise — Sat, 25 Oct 2008 13:08:29 +0000

It’s a fact: other people’s lies make our lives more difficult. They distort and twist the truth, con us into believing things never happened, or took place when they shouldn’t have.

There are literally thousands and thousands of ways people’s untruths and falsehoods taint and make living our daily lives more of an effort than it really should be.

So what can we do about it?

Putting a Stop to the Lies

How can we put a stop to lies the second we hear them and reveal the real truth, the actual facts, the exact situation?

The answer is natural lie detection – techniques, strategies and knowledge that give a person the rare and invaluable ability to separate the real from the fake and always know what to believe and what to question.

So, what does it consist of? Well, natural lie detection uses no machines, test papers, no video or audio recordings. It is, as the name suggests, a science based on human perception and skill.

The Three Main Components

It has 3 main components. They are the interpretation and analysis of: body language, psychology, and verbal communication. By having a deep and expert knowledge of all three, you can become capable of spotting 99 out of 100 lies, whether they’re spoken over the phone, in person or even over the internet or via text message.

Although learning these special techniques isn’t difficult when you have the time and proper reading material, it does require more space to explain than this short article allows. However, that doesn’t mean we can’t go over one way many liars give themselves away.

This collection of principles falls under the body language category of natural lie detection and focuses solely on how a dishonest person uses, or avoids using, their hands when they’re being deceitful.

Hand-Related Signals

There are 3 main hand-related signals of deceptiveness.

Signal #1: Hand Gesture Frequency

People use their hands to visually illustrate and emphasize their statements. It’s a way of painting an abstract picture in the air to better help the person or people they’re talking to understand the concepts being covered. When someone lies, however, their mind works differently to how it normally operates. Their thought process is dominated by the act of being dishonest convincingly and they therefore tend to change how they use their hands.

The first change you should look for is in how often they gesticulate with their hands while talking. The majority of people, when they lie, lessen the amount of movements they make with their hands because they subconsciously want to restrict the volume of information being given to the person they’re lying to out of fear of saying too much, either verbally or physically, and getting caught out or questioned.

The More Proficient the Liar, The More Hand Gestures They Use

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Happy Relationships: How To Replace Fear And Doubt With Gratitude, Love and Trust

Dr. Joe Rubino — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 17:02:07 +0000

As human beings, we operate daily reflecting a wide range of emotions with a multitude of motivations fueling our behaviors.

All too often, we react emotionally to what others say or do. If our reactions are preceded by the emotions of fear, anger, or sadness, we forfeit our ability to act with personal power and effectiveness in lieu of a knee-jerk response.

The emotional reaction

This reaction is all too often sourced in fear and low self-esteem. We may focus on what’s wrong with us and our lives, fear being controlled, hurt, or taken advantage of.

We may overlook the many things we have in our lives for which we should rightly be grateful, doubt our ability to thrive and access the abundance we see all around us in the world, reacting instead from the concern of scarcity and the expectation of failure, hurt, and disappointment.

We may see ourselves in competition for the world’s resources and the love and attention of others rather than realizing that there is more than enough of all that is good to go around. We forget that we manifest what we expect rather than needing to compete for limited resources.

Whenever we forget that we are magnificent beings and that there is plenty of wealth, happiness, fun, and fulfillment to go around, we might feel the need to protect ourselves from what we perceive to be a dangerous world. We likewise tend to forget that others operate from the same lacking self-confidence, scarcity of gratitude, and deficient self-love that we often do.

The result of not seeing ourselves as good enough

So, whenever two or more individuals see themselves as not good enough to tap into the world’s abundance and get all their needs met from a physical, social, mental, and emotional perspective, conflicts are likely to arise.

The result is broken relationships, strained communication, emotional pain, struggle, and suffering. All of these are needless and optional for those who realize their ability to detach from the struggle and master their emotional response.

When we stop to realize that everyone else suffers from the same self-doubt and fear of being dominated and cheated out of getting their fair share of love, fun, money, possessions, and security, we can break the vicious cycle of endless competition and continual striving for domination.

Breaking the cycle

We can realize that cooperation and communication is more effective in producing harmony than competition and a focus on self-interest based on fear.

We can intentionally choose to trust that others are doing the best they know how to do based upon how they see the world. We can assume that they act from good intentions, even when we fear the opposite.

Creating win-win relationships

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Can Swinger Relationships REALLY Work? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 23:44:59 +0000

Nowadays, you hear so much about open relationships and swinging, where partners will team up with other couples (or even go their separate ways) to have new and fun sexual experiences with other people.

You also sometimes hear how this is essentially a recipe for disaster, but you’ve thought about it and it sounds like something you might want to try. Can an open relationship or swinging relationship ever actually work?

Can swinger and open relationships really work or are they just a recipe for disaster?

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Yes, for strong couples.

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Can I Trust Her Or Is She Playing Me For A Fool? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 14 May 2008 13:36:58 +0000

Relationships are all about trust. It is what builds the foundation for a healthy partnership. It is essential that you trust your partner and that your partner trust you.

However, early on in relationships, it is normal to have questions and suspicions while you are still building that foundation of trust.

The question for you is what are you going to do about it? Are you going to let your suspicions run your life and ruin your relationship? Or are you going to face them?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I have been going out with this girl for 2 months now and I really like her a lot. She also has a 7 year old daughter. I just don’t know if she really likes me or if maybe she likes 2 guys at once.

We live an hour away from each other so we don’t see much of each other. I asked her if she maybe likes another guy or just doesn’t want her heart broken. She told me no, she doesn’t like another guy. Why would I say that? She just doesn’t want her heart broken. She has told me she wanted to take it slow and that’s what I’m doing or at least trying to do but, I just want to know if she really likes me or is just playing me.

How could I find this out?

- John, Illinois

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Confronting Your Partner

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My Boyfriend is a Total Liar! Should I Dump Him Or Give Him Another Chance? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 06 May 2008 13:45:40 +0000

What should you do if your partner lies to you?

It can be a tough situation to deal with, especially if both partners love and care about each other despite the lies.

There are a few things to ask both yourself and your partner before making a decision whether or not to stay with them.

One thing is for certain – a good relationship is open and honest.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

We have been living together for 3 years and together for 3.6 years. We are engaged.

He would do ANYTHING for me, but at the same time LIES. He lies about MONEY and work. He is not a good provider. I can’t even work because he can’t afford his own car and uses mine and He would rather be the one working.

What do you do when you both love each other but your partner can’t tell you the truth about money things? How can I get him to UNDERSTAND that he needs to be honest about money and work? Please help, I need to make a decision FAST before I marry into a problem that cannot be fixed.

- Melissa, NY

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Why is he lying?

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Having Trouble Choosing Between Two Men? You Have to Read This!

Leland Beaumont — Sat, 09 Feb 2008 17:37:53 +0000

The question appears here as it was submitted by one of our readers, however the names have been changed to preserve anonymity.

Wendy Asks:

I have a friend (David) whom I’ve known for 2 years but our paths only crossed occasionally. We have always had a “connection” but never pursued the relationship because I was dating Craig.

David and I ran into each other again the first of the year and have been dating pretty heavily since then. Our feelings were strongly developing.

I had been trying to end the relationship with Craig since Christmas but felt I needed to be sensitive because he is very dependent. I told Craig I had been seeing David. He initially tuned it out because he was convinced we would work things out.

I catered to the pleadings to the point where I missed two engagements with David because I felt Craig was unstable. When I finally put my foot down and told him to “let it go” he started crying, claimed his chest hurt, etc. In the midst he asked if I would just have sex with him one last time and I reluctantly consented.

He then called David and told him I would always be his and he could prove it because I’d consented to having sex with him. When David asked me if it was true, I was honest.

I have truly developed feelings for David who is currently very devastated. He’s now taking time to see if he can open up to me again. We never talked about monogamy, he knew I was trying to end things with Craig, and he has a female friend himself.

I don’t want to lose what we’ve taken so long to develop and I don’t know what (if anything) I can do.

Please advise.

–Wendy

Answering Wendy:

Wendy, meaningful relationships are based on honesty, mutual respect, and clear agreements about monogamy. What were you thinking? Perhaps after thoughtful introspection and a sincere apology to David you can move forward with him.

Although the role of monogamy in human relationships is somewhat ambiguous, the sharp pain of jealousy is unmistakable. At its core jealousy is based on a threat to sexual access. Playing with jealousy is playing with fire.

You taunted jealousy and suffered the predictable result.

Strong and lasting relationships require total honesty with your partner. Agree first with yourself, then with your partner to always be flawless with your word. Make and keep promises to yourself and each other, especially when the relationship is at stake. You have not yet done this. If you can make an authentic agreement on total honesty with David, then there is hope for the relationship. However, if past events have irreparably betrayed your trust, then you have to move on beyond both Craig and David. Until you can be honest with yourself and your partners, your relationships will not strengthen and last.

Do You Know Why?

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Is It Wrong To Stay With Your Cheating Boyfriend? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 10 Jan 2008 14:59:27 +0000

Should you dump your cheating boyfriend?

Hmmm… The answer to that one is not as easy as it sounds.

Should you listen to your friends and family?

Well, that depends on your friends and family. While it’s really easy to sit on the sidelines and say, "Yeah, dump him!", it’s oftentimes not so easy when you’re the one doing the dumping.

People cheat for all kinds of reasons and it’s really important to understand those reasons before making a rash decision that you may regret for the rest of your life.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Well my ex and I were dating for a while but then he cheated on me. I still like him a lot and he likes me but I cannot trust him.

My family thinks I should not date him because he cheated on me.

What should I do?

–Dylan, Florida

Watch this short video for our thoughts on this very interesting question…

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Then, be sure to chime in and tell us your thoughts – leave a comment below.

Should You Dump Your Cheating Boyfriend?

So, your boyfriend has cheated on you. Does that mean you should leave him and stop dating him all together?

This is one of those questions that doesn’t really have a simple yes or no answer.

Our definition of cheating is a "breaking of trust" between two people. Cheating is often a symptom of deeper relationship problems, not the cause of them.

People cheat for many different reasons, but the most common reason is that they are trying to fill an emotional void of some sort. They normally feel that they’re not getting something from their current relationship.

To help your relationship move forward, it’s important to understand why that person cheated.

So we immediately have several questions that you should answer before you consider leaving him.

Questions To Ask Yourself Before Making A Decision

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Suspect Your Boyfriend or Husband of Cheating? What If You Could Track Exactly Where He Goes and When?

Dan and Jennifer — Fri, 21 Dec 2007 03:34:02 +0000

Do you know that agonizing feeling, when you suspect your loved one is cheating on you, but you just can’t put your finger on why? The panic, the fear, the self doubt, and then the inevitable denial… because nobody really wants to face that possibility and it’s implications.

Cheating is a betrayal of trust, which is what makes it so painful to be on the receiving end. And the only thing worse than being cheated on is not knowing for sure, just suspecting that SOMETHING may be going on.

Don’t you sometimes wish you could just follow him or her around like a fly on the wall, to know once and for all if you’re just making this up or if it’s real?

Well, technology has come a long way in the last years, and today you can actually do just that. The technology to actually digitally monitor someone’s movements through GPS is available today, from companies like LandAirSea.

The GPS Tracking Key from LandAirSea is basically a small spy gadget that is small, easily concealable, and can track where a person goes, for how long, and even how fast. The pocket sized GPS Tracking Key receives signals from the twenty-four Department of Defense GPS satellites orbiting the earth. It’s internal computer accurately determines the GPS location of the device within 2.5 meters and records this data every second. The data can then be downloaded and viewed in Google Earth simply by plugging the Tracking Key into the USB port of a computer.

Think of it as a video recorder for your (or his) car. Silently recording everywhere it goes, without anyone being the wiser.

In fact, this type of tracking technology has even been used to solve crimes, like this murder case. Here’s the NBC report on how this hidden GPS tracking device worked in a surprising real life situation.

Suddenly, you CAN know for sure if he’s really coming straight home after work, or taking a little "detour". Ideally you could just ask him and have an open and honest discussion on the situation, but this is pretty unlikely in most infidelity situations.

So isn’t it a little creepy and "stalkeresque" to follow your significant other around with a hidden GPS tracking device? Well, yeah, sure it is. But it really sucks to suspect infidelity and not know. Facing just about any situation is much easier than worrying and being afraid of it… not knowing is always the worst. So either you end the relationship because something "may be happening", or you find out for sure.

And no cheater is going to admit anything if you don’t have blatant, obvious evidence. Even then, you’re unlikely to get a plain admission.

At the end of the day, trust is the most important component in a relationship. Suspicion, lying, and any kind of deception is a sure way to destroy your relationship. Once you start lying to your partner, it becomes easier and easier… and soon thereafter the trust is broken, and so is the relationship. So stay honest with those you love.

But if you get that nagging feeling in your gut that something is just not right, and you really want to know for sure if he’s seeing someone else and lying about it, do yourself a favor and find out for sure.

Depending on your specific situation and the local laws in your jurisdiction, something like the GPS Tracking Key may well be an option for you.

That type of fear and uncertainty is no way to live. One way or another, put your mind at ease so you can move forward and enjoy your life again.

This article is brought to you by LandAirSea Systems. To sponsor an article on AskDanAndJennifer.com, click here.

My Husband Gave Me Permission to Have an Affair – Now What? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 02 Jul 2007 15:45:13 +0000

Having an open marriage is interesting enough…

But when your husband encourages you to have an affair, as long as you don’t tell him about it… between the stigma around cheating and affairs, and your own fear that you’re breaking the sacred trust in your relationship, things can get a little more complicated.

The stigma of infidelity… MUST we call it an affair?

Cheating is not the cause of relationship problems, but rather a symptom of significant relationship issues. People who are happy and content in a relationship – emotionally, spiritually AND sexually, do not go outside the relationship to "cheat". It just doesn’t usually work that way.

There are situations however in which one person can’t meet all of their partner’s needs… leaving that person longing for more, whether it’s emotionally OR sexually.

But if another person is brought into the relationship to meet those needs, is it truly cheating or breaking the trust, or merely breaking some more commonly accepted societal norms around what a marriage or relationship "should be"?

What if your partner CAN’T have sex with you?

For whatever reason, often health related issues, some people feel they can no longer have sex. Or maybe they just no longer WANT to have sex.

But in reality, they realize even though they no longer have sexual needs, their partner still does. At this point, the relationship will begin to suffer, since there are unmet needs, and those needs intensify as time goes on. Something eventually has to give, and if you’re not careful, it’s going to be the relationship that collapses under the strain.

Do you really want or need to divorce? Is there maybe another way?

So do you really need to divorce or separate, or is there maybe another way?

What if you were to consider an open marriage, or an arrangement by which another person could meet your partner’s sexual needs, while still keeping your marriage, or your relationship, intact?

Certainly this would require even much more trust and communication than a relationship normally does, but it COULD work. At the very least, wouldn’t it be worth trying as a last ditch effort before letting the relationship crumble and deteriorate?

If both partners are willing to approach this situation from a place of true love and acceptance – as opposed to ownership and jealousy – then the relationship may have a chance to survive this challenge.

Love, honesty, and devotion are very different from sex

Many people confuse love, honesty, and devotion to a partner with sexual contact. Those are very different things.

Millions of couples worldwide enjoy the swinging lifestyle (formerly known as wife swapping in previous generations), and they are often brought closer together for sharing such an experience. Rarely does swinging break a couple apart – unless they’re doing it just as an excuse to have sex with other people, and to mask deeper relationship problems.

While swinging only involves sharing your partner with others for sex, many couples engage in polyamory, where there is an actual love relationship between multiple partners and couples. It’s easy to forget sometimes that not all cultures today or throughout history have practiced monogamy…

Can You Trust Your Partner to Be JUST Friends with a Previous Lover? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Fri, 15 Jun 2007 23:22:42 +0000

So your partner claims to be just friends with a previous lover…

Fact is, it’s only natural to continue to have feelings for your ex even after the break up. But what happens when your partner remains good friends with their ex? Is it possible for them to be ‘just’ friends or will they be prone to ’slippage’?

Is this really possible? Should you trust them?

We feel that love is not finite and that it’s very possible to love many different people for different reasons. We love our children, our parents, our friends, and our pets. We love them all dearly, but in slightly different ways.

So, yes. We do think it’s possible for your partner to remain friends with their ex girlfriend, boyfriend, or spouse. There’s nothing wrong with this as long as there are no secrets about the relationship. Your partner should be completely open and honest with you about their feelings and where they stand.

How can you address the jealousy monster?

Even with full disclosure, there’s bound to be some jealousy from either their previous partner or from you. In today’s society, many treat their partners like they own them, telling them who they can talk to, where they can go, and when… The best way to combat the jealousy monster in this situation is open and honest communication and lots and lots of reassurance.

What if you suspect that there’s more than friendship going on?

So you’ve been completely flexible and trusting, but you have this nagging feeling that there’s more to this friendship than meets the eye?

If you believe that your partner is playing the friend card to hide an affair, you should…

Open Marriage – How Can I Convince My Husband? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 31 May 2007 19:42:08 +0000

Unhappy marriages can often lead to one or both partners cheating and having long term affairs.

More often than not, the marriage doesn’t survive the affair. In truth, it’s not just the affair, but the deception and lies that truly kill the relationship.

But what if you really want to stay with your current partner, although you realize that your partner is not able to fulfill your needs for sex and intimacy?

Some people consider an open marriage as a solution. While this is definitely not for everyone, there’s no reason it cannot work for some.

There are certainly other options for resolving intimacy issues couples face, but when counseling and other measures just don’t work, what can you do?

This question is from a lady facing this very dilemma. She has been in an extramarital affair for over a year, but she desperately wants to stay married to her husband. So hopes to pusuade him to consider and open marriage.

How can she approach him about the open marriage, considering her affair is ongoing?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I am finding myself in depression. My joy and juice for life is diminishing. My energy is dwindling. I want to break out, I want to be free. I have a family, three little girls 3, 5, and 6.

How do you open up a marriage? I realize that the only solution to the bind I have gotten myself into is to talk truth. The truth is I have been having an affair for two years. I have no idea if the affair will last, but do we ever know if anything will ever last?

I have to make myself have sex with my husband and thank god to my large sex drive this is not a problem, however I do have to overcome a resistance each and every time, and it is starting to get to me. My affair is also no dream around sex, but I lust after him, he smells and tastes good to me and he can talk and move through stuck places, unlike my husband.

My husband is a good provider and a fun dad to the kids. I respect that and there is a certain turn on in the providing role that he holds. I can get off with him. However, we lack intimacy. I feel alone in this marriage and I went and got what I needed to feel connection and companionship.

Oddly enough orgasm is tricky with “the other man”. Partially this has to do with his story, but also it has to do with mine. Something about guilt of withholding from my husband, something about not feeling truly wanted by the man that would get involved with a married monogamous woman. If I was truly available for a one on one, my affair would be on a plane and out of here. He, although I get intimacy, connection and friendship from him, is intimacy and relationship phobic. Go figure!

In any case I need to open up the door. I am not sure if I need to mention my affair in talking with my husband about opening up the marriage or if I can simply let it be. I do realize that opening up the marriage requires more attention, communication and integrity than staying monogamous.

I have issues with jealousy. My main concern would be sexually transmitted diseases, impregnation of another woman and thereby loosing my provider’s full financial support. I know that he lacks the capacity for intimacy on the level that I want and need so there is no jealousy possible from that point, but I could encounter this from my affair.

Do you have any insights as to how I can work with jealousy so that it makes me aware of the love versus the loss that I fear?

My hope is that if I open up the marriage, I will not feel guilty; therefore I could enjoy myself more sexually all around. I also hope that it moves my husband out of the position of the bad man that doesn’t give me intimacy, and I can simply enjoy him for who he is without putting up walls.

I am pretty sure that he would be open to seeing other people. I am just not sure how to structure that, and seeing that we have three small children, I do believe we need to set up agreements around how this could work. Got any insights?

– Dona (California)

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Relationship Problem – Fighting Like Wild Animals?

Melody Brooke — Wed, 23 May 2007 16:16:48 +0000

Standing in Quick Sand

How many times have you found yourself in a discussion with your partner that suddenly turned sour and you don’t really know how you got there? You’ve said or done something that set them off and you are not sure how it happened, it’s just that suddenly you are standing in quick sand and sinking deeper by the second. Now, of course, you want to dig yourself out, but everything you try just pulls you in deeper. At this point your heart is racing, you are sweating and unsure of what to say or do. Your partner is behaving like a wounded animal and you don’t have a clue how to fix it. Sound familiar?

Well, it should sound familiar because we all do it. We all have times when our communications do go as we intend and we find ourselves battling a battle that we don’t understand. We don’t know what started it and we sure as heck don’t know how to stop it. Sometimes divorces result from just such interactions!

All of us have our moments. All of us have certain things that set us into a survival mode that leaves us feeling isolated, terrified, angry, hurt, or just plain depressed. This survival mode feels personal, as if our partners deliberately intend to wound us in our most sensitive places. Momentarily our partners may lose sight of who we are and, yes, say or do something to deliberately hurt us, but unless our partner is a psychopath, they don’t go into the conversation with the intention of hurting us. So why is it we so often find ourselves in the quick sand?

Human beings are animals. We have an old part of our brain (old in the evolutionary sense) that reacts in a primitive manner to any hint of perceived threat. We can’t really help it; our reactions are part of our brain function. The more insecure we feel in a relationship, and the more important that relationship is to us, the more likely we are to be triggered into this primitive reactivity. The set of behaviors triggered by our brain chemistry are pre-programmed into us from our ancestry to increase our chances of survival in the wild.

Lauren and Stan had been married for over 20 years, yet they had never established trust. Their “old brain” was still behaving as if their partner were a threat to them. Lauren’s mother was depressed and her father was an angry, frustrated man who raged at and physically abused his children. As a result, any time Stan expressed his frustration with anything that Lauren did, she accused him of being abusive. She shamed him and withheld sex from him. She believed herself to be protecting her children. Her old brain kicked in and she went into what I now call “Self-Protector” mode. Her attacks threw Stan into his own “Self-Protector” mode. She would snap at him…

He’s STILL Living With His Ex Girlfriend After The Break Up? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 01 May 2007 22:45:01 +0000

New love and previous lovers

New love is wonderful and full of joy, but there’s always that little matter of your new partner’s previous lovers.

We usually file that under "baggage" and hope they’re over those previous relationships, but sometimes those relationships live on in some form.

Letting go and moving on

Imagine dating a guy who still lives with his ex-girlfriend, for, ahem "financial reasons". Now, it’s not that hard to understand that they may have gotten themselves in debt and he can’t afford to move out (and maintain his lifestyle).

Trust… is he really over her?

But it does make you wonder… is he really over her and ready to move on, or is he holding on to the past and hoping to get back together with him.

How can you know for sure if he is really over her? Even if he is over her, how can you be sure that he won’t accidentally give in to an urge on a dark and lonely night when he’s alone at home with her? Can you ever know for sure?

It’s a lot easier to slip up and have an "oops" moment with a previous lover, since you’ve already been intimate and you know each other well. All it takes is a little alcohol and a surge of passion, and you’ve got "slippage"!

Trust in a relationship is very important, but if you put yourself in a position to mess up, eventually you will. So do you demand he moves out from his girlfriend’s place, or can you just trust him to be faithful to only you (and to not get any urges on that dark and stormy night after he’s had one too many glasses of wine)?

Be sure to read the question, then watch the video and leave your thoughts below.

Here’s the full story…

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’ve just started going out with a bloke who classes himself as single but has told me he still lives with his ex girlfriend (if she’s really his ex!). According to him, he still lives with her for financial reasons only, (I guess this means he couldn’t afford a place of his own). He tells me there is no longer a relationship going on between them.

His work mate told me on the quiet that it was genuine what he is telling me, but he agreed himself that it was an odd set up. I can’t bring myself to fully believe his work mate, because if he does know he’s still sleeping with her, he wouldn’t tell me anyway, would he?

Supposing he is telling the truth – how do I know? I don’t want to continue this with the thought that my boyfriend and his work mate are having a laugh behind my back.

- Jen from England

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What Does it Really Mean When Your Partner Cheats?

Dan and Jennifer — Sat, 14 Apr 2007 23:59:15 +0000

Why do people who seem to be in a perfectly happy relationship cheat on their partner?

How could they even consider loving another when they already have it so good?

While it may seem easy to simply call them an idiot and immoral, there’s more to it than that.

Cheating is the symptom, not the cause…

Relationships today are based on ownership and possession – partners feeling like they own their spouses and try to control their every move.

What if we all came from a place of unconditional love and acceptance?

What if we stopped confusing sex for love – they are not the same thing. You can have sex with someone that you do not love and you can love someone that you do not have sex with. Wouldn’t you agree?

So if that’s true, what is cheating?

It’s a breaking of trust. While trust is vital to a happy relationship, it may not necessarily mean that your partner doesn’t love you or that they love another. If you focus on having an open and trusting relationship where there’s no fear and no judgment, it’s very unlikely that your partner will cheat. Of course you both have to agree to this path. Trusting your partner completely and sharing everything while they don’t reciprocate is simply foolish.

My recommendation for ending cheating in a relationship is to talk openly and honestly to one another without anger, fear, or judgment. When a person cheats, they are typically looking for something that they feel is missing is their relationship with their partner.

If you can truly talk to each other about everything – including the fact that your partner is sexually attracted to another person, then you have complete trust in your relationship and the need for cheating disappears.

If you want to find out for certain, right now, if your partner is cheating on you, download How To Catch Your Cheating Lover today.

Is Your Partner Cheating on You? Are You Sure?

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 21 Mar 2007 15:34:30 +0000

Jealousy… Anger… Fear… Frustration… Confusion…;

These are the most common first emotions when you first suspect your partner of Cheating.

Do you think your partner may be cheating on YOU?

Do you trust your partner completely and think there’s absolutely no way they would ever cheat?

Well, think again…

More people than ever before, thanks to the internet, are cheating on their partners.

With online dating sites, social networking sites, video chat rooms, email and instant messengers, it’s easier than ever to meet someone, have an affair – and get away with it.

Check out these really scary statistics from CheaterCheckers.com.

1 in 2 people in a relationship cheat on their partner
9 out of 10 women who feel their partner is cheating are correct
50% of men who feel their partner is cheating are correct
57% of women cheat on their partner
3 in 4 married men cheat on their partner
2 out of 3 people being cheated on never find out

If you’re like me, you know that people cheat, but those numbers are much, much, much higher than I ever would have guessed.

Now if you know Dan and me very well, you know that we don’t believe in the whole partner ownership thing.

However, if you have made an agreement with someone to stay completely monogamous (Yes, you actually talked about it. Not just ‘assumed’ that’s how it would be.), and then you go behind your partner’s back with another person – that’s lying and you’ve broken the trust between you and your partner.

Without trust, you cannot have a truly intimate and loving relationship.

Our thoughts are that if you really find another person incredibly attractive and it will bring you joy to have sex with them – talk to your partner about it and if it seems like a good thing to do and both of you are OK with it, then go for it.

Again, we don’t subscribe to the whole ownership and jealousy thing. You cannot own another person, and if you really love them unconditionally, you will want them to do whatever brings them joy and happiness.

Unconditional Love means that you place no conditions on your partner (or anyone else for that matter) as to how they must behave, or who they must be, in order to receive love and acceptance from you.

Here’s a great article and another perspective on unconditional love from Roy Klienwachter, author of several books and hundreds of articles on the subjects of New Age Philosophy and Spirituality.

"What Does Unconditional Love Really Mean?"

What we find most of the time is that when we are attracted to another person, it’s mostly the thrill of the chase…

Talking about it openly with your partner will very often diminish the perceived excitement of the other person because suddenly it’s no longer taboo or forbidden. Also, we’ve found that if you talk about what you find exciting about the other person, you may both get so aroused you’ll have the best sex you’ve had in months.

If of course, you can get past the whole jealousy ownership thing…

Trust me, it’s better to just to be open and honest with each other.

If you want to find out for certain, right now, if your partner is cheating on you, download How To Catch a Cheating Spouse today.

I’m Afraid to Tell You…

Melody Brooke — Fri, 16 Mar 2007 10:39:15 +0000

Honestly in a relationship is critical for long term success. But we all know how hard it can be to share our past transgressions with another person, especially the one we love.

We insist that our partner be completely honest with us about everything (check out the discussion around our previous post, Honesty About Previous Sex Partners… How Much Do You Really Need To Share?) and yet we find it difficult to be completely honest with our partner for fear that their feelings about us will change.

Here’s another great article by featured author Melody Brooke with her thoughts on intimacy and trust.

I’m Afraid to Tell You What I am Thinking!

Most of us learn to hold back on some of our truths when we first start dating. We might not tell him about our crazy old boyfriend who used to pull our chair out from under us on the first date. We might not tell her that the way she says the world “Insurance” with the inflection in the wrong place drives you crazy. So we learn to hold back truths in the service of getting to know each other and not running her off before we have had a chance to find out if there is more.

Over time, if we have any skill at intimate connection, we are able to start disclosing more and more information about our past and our likes and dislikes. But some of us find speaking our truths to our partners a real challenge. We may have a hard time letting them know when they don’t shave it scratches our skin raw. We might struggle with telling them when we have made a huge mistake that we are embarrassed about. Our fear of being seen for who we really are can be overwhelming.

What if I tell her and she leaves me? What if it makes him angry? How do we tell our truth and stay in connection? The reality is that if we don’t speak our truth our connection is already starting to deteriorate.

When I first married I had a hard time telling my husband when I had spent money on things for myself. I was fearful that, like my first husband, he would be upset with me and it would start a fight. So I didn’t always tell him when I spent money I was not sure he would approve of my spending. But eventually I learned that keeping secrets builds a wall between us. Over time I began to feel separate from him and he knew something was going on, he could feel the shift, but didn’t know where it was coming from. When we finally talked he let me know that he trusted my decisions and both of us knowing where we are financially would help us both make wise decisions about spending. It was an enormous relief.

Other things are hard sometimes too…