Question: My boyfriend and I are planning on having our first time soon, and we both said condoms are a must, I’m very pleased with that, but I’m still afraid it will break or rip or leak and I will become pregnant. So I’m trying to find out what the best brand is. Thickest perhaps? We want a latex condom for sure though. Is there any way to help settle my nerves so I can enjoy our first time?

Is A Condom Enough?

If you want to practice safer sex, using a condom during intercourse is an absolute must. But is using a condom all you need to do? Planned Parenthood says that each year, 2 out of every 100 women who always use condoms correctly will become pregnant. They go on to say that each year, 15 out of 100 women who use condoms incorrectly will become pregnant. So what does it mean to use a condom correctly? Surprisingly, it takes a lot to put on a condom “correctly,” including washing your hands before, leaving enough space for the semen at the tip and taking it off correctly. Many people fail to do this when they’re passionate and in the heat of the moment. Condoms are a must, but they really aren’t enough – they are, however, a great first layer of defense.

Hormonal Birth Control

Many people choose to use hormonal birth control in addition to using condoms, especially for first time sex. There are many forms of birth control including the popular pill, the ring, the patch, injections and even implants that last for five years! There are lots of options, so be sure to talk with your doctor about the right options for you. Hormonal birth control does not protect against sexually transmitted diseases, so it’s important to continue using condoms if you’re with a partner who has not been tested or if you are not monogamous. Birth control will, however, significantly reduce your risk of an unplanned pregnancy, even more so if you use birth control and condoms together.

Barrier Methods

Barrier methods of birth control are often overlooked, simply because hormonal contraceptives are so popular. Some women can’t use hormonal birth control, so a barrier method is a great choice. You can use a barrier method in addition to condoms if you are unable to use birth control, or you can use a barrier method as yet another layer of defense against unplanned pregnancy. However, keep in mind that condoms are the only thing that help reduce your risk of contracting STD’s. Barrier methods include spermicide (available in gel, foam, suppository or a small, thin film that you can fold and place inside your vagina), as well as cervical caps and diaphragms which are usually available at your doctor’s office but may have to be specially made to fit you.

There Is Always A Small Chance

The only 100% effective form of birth control and STD prevention is abstinence. If you want to be absolutely, positively sure that you won’t get pregnant, consider abstinence. No method of birth control including condoms and barrier methods are 100% effective. Yes, they greatly reduce your risk of STD’s and pregnancy, but even with a double or triple layer defense, there is still a very tiny, very small chance that you could become pregnant or contract an STD.

Don’t assume that you are completely safe and fail to make plans if you should become pregnant. Have the conversation with yourself and your partner about what would happen if you did become pregnant. What would you do? How would you handle it? If you’re not ready to have this conversation in the event that your birth control fails, then you’re definitely not yet ready for first time sex. Dealing with the hard questions up front not only shows maturity, it also makes things easier for you later if something does actually happen – that way, you’re not completely unprepared. Recognizing the risk but taking as many precautions as possible and practicing safe sex is the best thing you can do if you want to make sex safer and reduce the risk of STD’s and unplanned pregnancy as much as you can.

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Legality

Let’s face it – it’s not legal for people to have sex if they’re under the age of eighteen. You can’t buy porn or sex toys if you’re underage either. While tons of underage boys and girls still do have sex before they’re eighteen and never get caught, it’s important to know the basics of when it is actually legal for you to engage in sexual activity.

That said, if you and your partner are both underage, it becomes less of a criminal issue and more of an issue with your parents. However, if you are underage and your partner is over the age of eighteen, or vice versa, you can get into a LOT more trouble. The older person may be charged criminally if it is ever reported that you are having sex with them, and they will be required to register as a sex offender after any jail time, probation or community service that is issued.

Being registered as a sex offender will haunt them for the rest of their lives and make it difficult for them to buy a home, have a job, have children and visit their children’s schools, and even impact their ability to vote. It’s not something that goes away after a few years – it’s a lifetime of being on a list with pedophiles and rapists. Think twice about having sex you or your partner are underage!

What Are You Waiting For?

If teen sex isn’t something you want to be involved in, think about the “why.” Are you waiting for marriage? Are you waiting until the age of eighteen to do it so you or your partner don’t get into trouble? Whatever your reason for waiting is, it’s a good reason – and it’s important that you fully understand the reason why you’re waiting so you can stay strong and continue to abstain.

If you’re not “waiting” but you just haven’t had sex yet, think about some of the reasons you should wait. Are you in a serious, committed relationship? If not, perhaps you should wait until you’re in love. Think about possibly getting yourself or your partner in legal trouble, or going against your personal beliefs. There are lots of good reasons to abstain and there are many of them that will apply to you and you alone. Perhaps you don’t want to abstain until marriage, but you just want to abstain until you’re older, smarter, more confident and ready. Every reason is a good one!

Considering Consequences

No one likes to think about the consequences of teen sex, but it’s a must if you’re considering losing your virginity. Having sex is an adult activity, and if you feel like you’re adult enough to handle it, then you’re definitely adult enough to think about the possible consequences beforehand. A lot of teenagers are afraid that if they think about the consequences of teen sex before they have it, they might talk themselves out of it. That’s not necessarily a bad thing!

If you’re sure you want to do it and “being talked out of it” isn’t something you feel will happen, considering the consequences will help you effectively plan for anything that might happen as a result of your decision. Think about the possibility of getting an STD – and all the different ways that they can be transmitted – and think about what you can do to reduce your risk as well as what you’ll do in the event that it does happen. Unwanted pregnancy is similar – before you have sex, think about how you can prevent an unwanted pregnancy and how you might deal with one should it actually happen.

Staying Safe

If you’ve thought long and hard and have decided that now is the right time to have sex, take the time to look into all safety options that you have available to you – and there are a LOT! Think about going to your doctor and getting on birth control. If you’re too young to go to the doctor by yourself and can’t tell your parents that you’ve made the decision to have sex and want to get on birth control, you don’t need to be having sex.

Also, think about using condoms and spermicide. Get flavored condoms and dental dams for oral sex. Talk to your doctor about other ways you can practice safe sex. Sex isn’t fun if all you’re worried about is getting pregnant or an STD. It’s also not fun if you’re worried about your partner going to jail.

If you can’t get it on with a clear conscience, try waiting until you can!

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That’s why it’s really important to start preparing yourself for the big changes you’ll be encountering long before your baby is actually born.

Preventing Unwanted Pregnancy

It may seem like an obvious tip, but if you really want to start out on the right foot, take the steps to make sure you or your partner doesn’t get pregnant on accident. Even though many surprise pregnancies turn out to be happy accidents, the shock of the surprise can add extra stress. Always practice safe sex if you’re not ready for a baby yet.

That’s particularly true if one of you is less prepared for parenthood than the other, or if your relationship isn’t very serious yet. Just watch one episode of Sixteen and Pregnant, and you’ll understand why it’s better to have a child that you’ve planned for with someone you truly love. Whether your pregnancy is planned or not, once you find out about it, you need to have a talk with your partner.

Allow yourselves to experience all the emotions of the moment—excitement, happiness, nervousness, etc. Openly discuss your hopes and fears and promise to be there for each other when either of you needs to talk about your impending parenthood.

Splitting Up The Parenting Duties

Before the baby arrives, be sure to discuss how you’re going to split up the childcare duties. There are so many things to deal with, from diaper changes and feedings to playtime and going for walks. If you try to balance your roles, neither of you will have the chance to feel resentful toward the other one for not pulling their weight. Of course, once the baby actually arrives, it may be hard to stick to your exact plans, but just having a rough idea of what to do will help you both.

It’s also really important that you savor the last few months before your baby is born. Take advantage of any time you have to be together in a one-on-one setting. Any romantic or passionate moments that you can enjoy now should be taken advantage of, because once the baby shows up, you’ll both be way too busy. Sex will be nonexistent for awhile, not only because a woman has to wait for a bit after giving birth, but also because you’ll both likely be too overwhelmed and exhausted to consider it.

Once you’re both feeling better and have found your baby-care rhythm, however, you should try to work some sex back in. Don’t pressure each other, but do realize that you’ll both be happier for it. You need to keep your physical connection going.

Don’t Forget To Appreciate Your Partner

You may both feel consumed by childcare, so you have to make an effort to appreciate each other. If your partner is particularly helpful with something, thank him or her. Take the time to acknowledge what a good job they’re doing with the baby. If one of you goes back to work before the other one, be empathetic to any jealousy that may bubble up.

Try to take turns watching the little one so you both get some time away from the house. Recognize the fact that you’ll both be getting way less sleep than normal, so if one of you gets snappish, the other one should try not to take it too personally. Above all, remember that your baby will be older and less dependent before you know it.

The toughest parts of caring for an infant won’t last forever, and you will eventually be able to sleep through the night, have sex, and even go on the occasional date night again. Keep a sense of humor, be kind to each other, and look forward to how much fun you’ll have when your little one gets older. Hang in there and support each other, and you may find you’re more in love than ever before.

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Question: I was wondering if you could do a video on the side effects of oral birth control. By this, I don’t mean what we normally hear like weight gain and possibility of a stroke (if you smoke while on the pill), but I mean the stranger side effects like loss of sex drive, insomnia, and depression! I know it didn’t even strike me that the pill could cause these things, so I’m betting other people don’t know either. So if you could make a video to help inform woman of some of these strange side effects, I think that would be really great! Thanks!

–YouTube Viewer

Common Birth Control Side Effects

There are many side effects that are caused by oral birth control, ranging from very mild side effects to more serious ones. Some women who take birth control won’t experience any side effects at all, others may experience some side effects that aren’t bothersome, and others may experience very serious and uncomfortable side effects that may mean they need to discontinue using the medication.

• Nausea
• Weight gain
• Sore or swollen breasts
• Spotting between periods or lighter periods
• Mood changes
• Decreased sexual libido

More Serious Birth Control Related Side Effects

While most of the side effects that are related to birth control aren’t serious, some of them are and require immediate medical attention. These side effects are more rare, but they can happen. Every woman who takes birth control should be aware of the more rare but serious side effects of the medication so they can contact their doctor as soon as possible if they experience any of these more serious side effects.

• Abdominal pain
• Chest pain
• Visual disturbances such as blurred vision or spots or flashes in your vision
• Mild headaches or severe migraines
• Swelling and aching in the legs and thighs

Other Forms Of Hormonal Birth Control

You may think that the “pill” is the only form of birth control that has side effects, but quite the opposite is true. Many popular forms of birth control contain the very same mix of hormones that the pill does! Other forms of hormonal birth control can be even stronger than some pills and can produce similar but stronger side effects than the those associated with the pill.

• The Ortho Evra patch
• The Nuva ring
• Mirena – the hormonal IUD (intra-uterine device)
• Depo-Provera injection and other birth control injections
• Hormonal implants
• Plan B – the “morning after” pill

Barrier Methods

While oral birth control is among the most popular ways to practice safe sex, it is not the only way. Oral birth control doesn’t protect against sexually transmitted diseases, but some other methods of safe sex (called “barrier” methods) do.

• Condoms – protects against STD’s
• Female condoms – protects against STD’s
• Copper IUD
• Diaphragm
• Cervical Cap
• Spermicidal sponge, foam, cream or film

Talk To Your Doctor To Find Out If Birth Control Is Right For You

Always talk to your doctor to find out whether or not oral birth control or other forms of birth control is right for you. Your doctor can help explain to you why you should or should not take birth control, and will tell you how to use it correctly so it is most effective. Some women should not take birth control at all, because the risk of side effects are too great. Your doctor will look at your entire health history to determine whether or not hormonal birth control is the right choice for your health and lifestyle.

Who should not take birth control:

• Women over 35
• Women with a history of blood clots
• Women with a history of heart or liver disease
• Women with a history of breast or uterine cancer
• Women who have experienced undesirable side effects from birth control previously

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I want to say that up front because I’ve traveled around the southern part of America a few times and found myself admiring the beautiful lands, the great food, and the good people of the South. As a Northerner I always have this fear of being discovered for my dislike of grits at the breakfast table. But truthfully my fears are irrational, at best, when relating to the good people of the south.

However, when it comes to issues such as sexuality, birth control, and teen pregnancy you have to scratch your head how far behind this region of the United States is so far behind the rest of the world by one century.

I say this because the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), in a recent report, finds the South is far ahead of the rest of the country in the amount of teen pregnancies.

What The CDC Finds In The South

• Nevada, Texas, Arizona, New Mexico, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Tennessee, and Kentucky lead the nations as the top 10 states showing increase in teenage birth rates.
• Mississippi leads the nation with 65.7% ; most of the teen birth rate increase are found with non-Latino blacks making up 89.5%.
• Non-Latino white teens in the South have the highest birth rates in the country in these states: Oklahoma, Arkansas, Mississippi, Alabama, Kentucky, Tennessee, Georgia, and West Virginia.

The one pattern that holds in this study shows those regions of the country that teach abstinence only sex education are found in (you guessed it) the South.

The states which show offer comprehensive sex education–both safe sex and abstinence education (Calif., Minnesota, Wisconsin, New York, Rhode Island, New Jersey, Delaware, Maryland, Connecticut, Massachusetts) have the lowest teen birth rates in the country.

Now it would seem to some I’m picking on the South; I got this agenda to make the South look stupid and backwards. On the contrary, I’m trying to make aware to my fellow Americans there is a huge crisis with our teens that needs to be addressed. Teen pregnancies run the risk of higher complications involving low weight and dying during infancy.

It pains me to drive through states like Kentucky or West Virginia where you can see billboards decrying abortion, but not one billboard showing the need to use a condom or stress to young women the risk you take when they choose to be sexually active. It pains me how you can’t buy a dildo in Alabama, but you get a “just say no” to sex sermon in youth groups across the state giving teens a false sense of what to do when faced with a chance of sexual activity. It pains me how a region (not the only region, but one of the leading regions in the United States) who will decry gay marriage, but the divorce rates in the South are some of the highest in the country.

Faith Vs. Safe Sex Education

As a person of faith, I know how important many Southerners take their faith in their life. But I think the churches and believers in the region who hold to the “no sex till you’re married” mantra must take a serious hard look at the facts and realize our traditions are not helping the situation by teaching abstinence only, but perpetuating the situation further by giving teens a battle axe with only one side to use (and the one side is rubber).

Some of the nations mega churches, ministries, and denominational homes (i.e. Southern Baptist) will make full scale warfare on anything that even shows a bare leg on television or in public. But these same men and women find themselves in compromising positions throwing to the fire their own teachings to their own.

Isn’t it time we faced facts that our traditional stance towards sexuality is a hopeless battle of wits where Southern Christian leaders look like halfwits in the room; that their belief system regarding sex and love are, at worst, a failed attempt to control the masses? I sometimes think the real agenda for some who decry sex education is they want to see their women barefoot, pregnant, with little chance at any background in education. Keep the women in the kitchen and keep them busy with a ton of kids. That a way you know you don’t have to have someone smarter than our men folk.

Ridiculous.

How The South Can Rise Again

If the South is going to rise again it will have to take some bold steps, as a region, to rid itself of their darkened past:

• Drop the Confederate flag! That’s so Jefferson Davis.
• Join the rest of the world to embrace fact, logic, and clarity on all issues.
• Admit the South has a sex problem and find a better, logical way to deal with it.

Right now the way Southern religious/non-religious leaders are handling sex education (not to mention the sexual well being of Southerners as a whole) shames the people and the rich history of the south.

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It’s for the wrong reasons. We’ve all heard about the more common situations under which a pregnancy isn’t a good idea, even if it’s planned. Things like getting pregnant to keep the man, to try and save the relationship, or to create a bigger purpose in your life. But here’s another ill-advised reason to procreate: an attempt to recapture those feel-good hormones  people experience during pregnancy along with the attention from friends and family.

Women in these situations should look at the reasons why they’re desiring this type of attention and endorphin rush. In my book, Make up, Don’t Breakup I talk about why relationships stagnate and then go south and investigate ways to keep this from happening. If you’re searching for attention and connection, examine that with your partner before you bring another person into your lives!

Reasons Not To Get Pregnant Right Now

It’s financially stressful. Sure, there’s never a PERFECT time to have a baby, but naturally certain times are better than others! With the financial strain many of us are facing now, it’s simply not wise to add and additional financial burden to the equation. Which brings me to my next point.

Doing so can create strain in a relationship. In many Bumpaholic situations, the women often strongly desires to get pregnant while the man may be more reticent. Pressuring a partner into having a baby can be one of the most dangerous forms of financial infidelity. Not only can it easily become a point of contention between partners, it can also present an unhealthy and volatile environment to bring a kid into.

It’s denying feelings at the core. I touched on this in my first point, but when it comes to feel-good hormones and attention paid to us, it’s only natural to want more! We have a biochemical craving for connection, as I mention in my book Financial Infidelity, that spurs us on to want to connect with the important people in our lives. When those needs aren’t met by our parents, we can try to overcompensate for that as we become parents ourselves, by looking to create a large family. Or it can be a reflection of the abandonment people feel from their significant other, or from life in general. As our society becomes busier and busier we pull away more and more from the relationships that should be an integral part of our lives. Creating a baby with someone not only allows us to feel close to that person, but gives us someone to lavish our affection, emotion and energy on.

These are all dangerous reasons for bringing kids into the world! Just as alcoholics must examine their relationship to alcohol and what drives them into the destructive habit, so too must a mom looking for fulfillment through pregnancy look at her reasons for doing so.

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